SRS I'm constantly worried that I'm being cheated on

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Mopar03, Jun 29, 2009.

  1. Mopar03

    Mopar03 73-9 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    May 9, 2004
    Messages:
    90,568
    Likes Received:
    102
    Location:
    Dayton, Ohio
    Let me start by saying that my trust has been betrayed and I've been hurt in the past, so this is why I believe I have these issues.

    Whenever I'm in a relationship, I'm constantly paranoid that I'm being cheated on. Random texts messages and phone calls between my SO and any guy friends get me so intrigued and stressed. The sad thing is, the girl I'm currently with has given me zero reason to believe she's cheating, yet I'm still paranoid.

    I wish I could get over these issues :hs:
     
  2. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sorry to hear that man.

    The way I see it, as long as I feel paranoid about someone or a relationship the more likely I am to refrain from investing emotionally in the relationship. Over time, people have a way of either demonstrating loyalty or falling short of my expectations. By doing this, I can easily discard anyone who betrays me while still giving someone ample opportunity to be in my life until I feel comfortable.

    So I say, be paranoid and while you're at it, don't let your guard down until you feel ready -- not when you "think" you should be ready.

    Instead of running from the feelings, embrace them. Someone fucked you, it's not your fault that your own mind is protecting you from the stupid fucks of this world. When someone has earn my trust, I'll know. You know how I'll know? I won't feel paranoid.

    Hope this helps and remember, the more you fear something and try to persistently push it away the more likely you are to create it -- the more likely it will manifest in reality. So cut yourself some slack, you didn't ask to feel this way or to be betrayed.
     
  3. Kafka

    Kafka New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2007
    Messages:
    48,664
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles --> D.C.
    I don't really agree with Metallic Blue, in fact i think his advice could actually be harmful to your situation. Feelings of guilt, low self-worth, paranoia, and fear can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies because you will behave towards your SO with such feelings in mind. In the end, that could push them away or have a negative impact upon becoming more close and intimate with one another, which is what should normally happen in a healthy relationship.

    So instead of slowly understanding and trusting each other as time goes on, those negative feelings you possess will only become stronger and create a greater divide because you're setting yourself up for disappointment every step of the way. You don't have to be naive or arrogant in the strength of your relationship, but you shouldn't create fictions in your head from mere feelings.

    Hope this helps bro.
     
  4. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    How else are you supposed to trust someone you don't trust than to let time pass, and feel the feelings of distrust? You can't just suppress feelings of distrust and paranoia without thinking carefully about why you feel them. If you understand that it's ok to feel them and understand why you feel them, you find that as a person demonstrates loyalty and earns trust the paranoia will fade away. (I'm assuming the TS isn't a sociopath)

    Not to mention, a lot of what you said in your post is what I just said. What are you offering him for advice other than telling him not to feel what he feels?
     
  5. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2006
    Messages:
    4,537
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cary, NC
    I understand what Kafka is saying though.. Trust issues are a hard thing to battle. I had trust issues that had nothing to do with my boyfriends behavior and thus pushed him away without realizing it.

    I'm still not 100% over the issue but I've just had to focus on getting to know my boyfriend and separating him from my ex in my mind. I think it's a really hard situation to offer advice for though because you really do have to change your way of thinking in situations like these.
     
  6. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2001
    Messages:
    13,610
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    lovely orlando
    i'm sorry you have to deal with this. these insecure feelings will never go away on their own, and no girl, no matter how perfect she may be, will ever help you get over them. i seriously suggest you talk to a counselor.

    i've been in a similar situation where a guy i was seeing had been cheated on many times in the past. one of my faults is that i absolutely love any kind of a challenge. i totally fell for this guy! knowing he had been cheated on by every girlfriend he'd had, i went into the relationship thinking i could prove to him that i could be different than the girlfriends he'd dated in the past.

    i let my boyfriend snoop in order to ease his fears about trusting me, but it didn't have the outcome i had anticipated. i had thought that it would make him trust me, but it drove us apart. i'm not saying that i am anywhere near perfect, and i admit to making some of the huuuuuge mistakes in our relationship. my point is that no matter what the text, it was always an ordeal.

    ...same scenario with the TS. :( good luck!
     
  7. Crawling Dead

    Crawling Dead Gz-TeRRoR

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2006
    Messages:
    2,015
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Slamtown USA
    I feel the same way as the TS, difference is, I've never been cheated on. Wrap your mind around that one.
     
  8. Deepsouthwrx

    Deepsouthwrx If in doubt, flat out!

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2004
    Messages:
    9,501
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Central, MS
    i felt this way, and at the time didn't have any reason to even begin justifying such feelings. However, my ex was cheating on me the whole time so even tho my suspicions were justified it is not the way I want to approach relationships, but its really hard to not to judge future relationships on past failures.
     
  9. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    50,614
    Likes Received:
    173
    Location:
    Dingoland
    I was exactly the same, even still the same to an extent.
    I was straight up with my husband when we started dating. It was a bit difficult as he felt like he was being blamed for something he didn't do, but he never gave up on me.
    We were always straight up with each other and I tried to turn the auto pilot off as often as I could :)
     
  10. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I always say, innocent until proven guilty. You know a new person is not automatically like the previous person, the human body does this in order to protect itself from hurt, but its often irrational. Everybody deserves at least one chance in life, so does your new gf, so if she has earned your trust you are obliged to give it.
     
  11. Daria

    Daria New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,529
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ottawa, Canada
    I was cheated on once and it hurt like hell, but the only solution for me was to have confidence in myself. If I know deep down inside that I am awesome, if someone cheats on me, it's their fucking loss.

    Yes, the pain of the breakup may be aweful, but I did it once, so I could do it again. I won't die, and I will find someone better worth my time afterwards.

    I definitely feel like I lost a piece of myself after going through all the pain, but I will not let that stop me from being happy with the person I'm with now.

    You can watch for the signs, but you can't let yourself get upset unless there's a strong reason to be concerned (ie. you found out she sent nudes to some other guy).
     
  12. Kafka

    Kafka New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2007
    Messages:
    48,664
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles --> D.C.
    haven't you cheated on a bf before? just curious.
     
  13. Kafka

    Kafka New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2007
    Messages:
    48,664
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles --> D.C.
    /thread

    it's not only based upon how awesome you are i'm sure, but the moral turpitude of the other person who is betraying someone's trust without having the balls to simply say "i think we should see other people".
     
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2009
  14. GFlem

    GFlem New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2004
    Messages:
    19,574
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lakewood, OH
    I agree with Darla, in that those feelings usually stem from insecurity.

    The best thing you can do is be honest with yourself, even if it means acknowledging that you might not be ready for a relationship in the event that you can't shake the feelings of persecution. Those can develop into nastily abusive relationships... you abusing her, her abusing you, or you abusing yourself.

    Your self-esteem, coming from good places of positive reinforcement, is paramount to shaking these feelings of "what if i'm not good enough to keep her faithful?" If you KNOW that you're a good boyfriend, and KNOW that she doesn't need or want anyone else, you won't worry so heavily about her running around on you.

    Territoriality and jealousy is a normal part of being a man. Obsessiveness and domineering isn't. Learn the difference and why you're having trouble staying with your toes behind the line and you'll be a lot happier in life.
     
  15. eXyle

    eXyle ׂ

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2003
    Messages:
    2,774
    Likes Received:
    0
    i've been cheated on and have had my trust betrayed before. it was a painful experience, but guess what? i survived it. you know what? you survived it too. it's important to remember that. what happened in the past is over and done with. if it happens to you again, you'll survive it just like last time.

    you can't control her actions, only your own. you need to believe that she's with you for a reason other than blind luck or because she's holding out for something better. otherwise, you'll end up creating the situation you fear the most.

    believe in yourself. trust that she cares for you and would not put you through that. more importantly, trust that even if she does, you will survive it and find someone new.

    there's nothing wrong with fear so long as you don't let it control you. the fact that you're afraid just shows that you care about her. leave it at that.
     
  16. disley

    disley Ooooh no it isn't. Ooooh yes it is. OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2007
    Messages:
    25,371
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Under the Southern Cross.
    This may be a generalization, but it's been my experience with myself, and by watching others who have jealously issues for no apparent reason, that if you can't trust yourself, you'll never learn to trust anyone.
    So make sure you're not doing anything your girlfriend would be unhappy with, then you'll begin to trust others.
     
  17. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England

    if you're constantly stressing over it then she knows it, and eventually it's going to cause her to either leave you or cheat.

    you really should talk to someone about your issue before it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
     
  18. Mopar03

    Mopar03 73-9 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    May 9, 2004
    Messages:
    90,568
    Likes Received:
    102
    Location:
    Dayton, Ohio
    thank you all for your input :hs:
     
  19. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think you should tell her you're having trouble with that and it would really help if she could remind you from time to time that she isn't going anywhere. Let's face it, that's the real concern, that she might leave you for someone else, not that she might fool around from time to time but still come home to you. Neither one is great, but it's the getting dumped on your ass that you're really worried about, I bet.
     
  20. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2000
    Messages:
    29,766
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Canada
    you can just trust them for no reason. I've been cheated on yet I still trust girls. The way I see it my distrust won't change anything/help anyone. If I get cheated on again, oh well, she's not someone to be with then, if not, great.
     
  21. bowrofl

    bowrofl New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2005
    Messages:
    6,555
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto, Canadia
    Yes. This is so damn true... if one is not internally secure, how can anyone maintain healthy relationships with others? You need a strong foundation to build good friendships off of... and that strong foundation is a strong (in the confidence sense) personality.
     
  22. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    Mopar, I had this exact same problem. PM me if you'd like to talk about it.
     
  23. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    To put it another way, the behavior of one person does not reflect on the behavior of another person. If there is a pattern of behavior that can't be explained by the women knowing each other, then the common link has to be you and your behavior. But even that is putting the cart ahead of the horse, because unless you know there's a pattern, then there isn't a pattern, and you shouldn't (easy for me to say, I know) act like there is a pattern.
     
  24. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Seems a bit simple for the TS position -- in other words (easier said than done, if not nearly impossible for the TS). I would think if that solution worked for him that he wouldn't be here having made this post. The only alternative I could see was what I posted earlier and that's to slowly work through it by dealing with the feelings directly, until they finally alleviate and then the "a ha" moment comes where the person can let go and realize exactly the point you just made."
     
  25. summer1547

    summer1547 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2009
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    0
    I used to think that everyone deserved "the benefit of the doubt" and that I should never put my experience biased opinions on others until it has been proven relevant. After awhile I started to think about how people talk about trust and respect being earned. Now I start everyone at 0- I don't mistrust them nor do I trust them either. With time and experience they will either move into positive and higher numbers or into the negative. The number is never steady either because just because someone did something awesome that makes you feel they are trustworthy, they can do little things over time that will bring those notches right back to where they started at 0. People are complex and we change and morph every second of every minute of every day. No one is static or stays the same all the time. For me, I've surprised myself with decisions, thoughts, and actions that I never thought I was capable of.
     

Share This Page