I don't even know how to start this post. I've been posting the same bullshit problems here for 6 years and some of you won't even listen to me anymore. I'm starting to take things to the next level. I'm drinking alone in my room at nights now. When I get home from school I lock myself in my room and crack open a case of beer that I have under my bed. Alcohol allows me to escape and forget about my problems. For the few hours that I am drinking, I am pretty happy and optimistic about the way my life will turn out. My mood gets elevated and suddenly my life doesn't seem so bad. The next morning I'm back to being myself.....lonely, angry, insecure, frustrated, and resenting my family for turning me into a monster. By noon I am usually eager to start drinking again because I just can't face reality anymore....my life is just too depressing. This morning I looked around online for some free/cheap therapists but didn't have any luck. In case anyone wants to help me out I live in Lake County, IL. My depression has gotten worse since the weather has improved because it only reminds me of how i'm missing more opportunities to go out and enjoy life. I think of friends, memories, fun, and all the good times that I won't experience and it makes me sick to my stomach (I almost puke sometimes). What am I to do? The community college counselors already told me that my problems are beyond their scope of practice. They told me I need a professional psychologist/psychiatrist and I can't afford one. They have some sort of program for discounted insurance for students which I will look into, but I don't think I will be able to afford that either. I think if I moved out my life would improve about 80%. Living here with these shit parents keeps me in a constant state of shrewdness. I want to ask out some girls from school but ultimately it won't go very far because I have nowhere to go with them for privacy, and thus as long as I am living at home I will probably NOT get laid....and this makes me very frustrated since I'm 21 and horny as hell. About 2 days ago I started contemplating suicide again because of an incident at school. We were working in groups of 4, and the other 18-19 year old students were having good conversations. They were comfortable, laid back, happy, laughing, and I was just sitting there like a big freak with a frown on my face. I just made it awkward for them. Ever since then I completely feel like I shouldn't be around others because I will only drag them down with me. They are good, and they don't need me around making life sad. I am attending paramedic training this fall which will last through the end of 2010. I will also have my A.A. degree by then. Hopefully once I finish paramedic training I will be able to move out. The only problems is that I don't think I can take living at home anymore. I'm not even optimistic about being a paramedic. I want to join the fire department and be a firefighter/paramedic but I think that in order to be a firefighter you have to be a happy person with a good attitude, and you also need good interpersonal skills. These are qualities that I do not have and I don't think I will fit in with the other firefighters. I need a drink.