SRS I'm attracted to troubled women

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by hardlywaiting, Aug 9, 2009.

  1. hardlywaiting

    hardlywaiting New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    And I don't want to be anymore.

    3/5 of the girls I've slept with were raped or molested. In fact, one of the ones that wasn't might have been but I wouldn't know because she was incapable of communicating any issues she had with herself. I'll block out the long part of this with hyphens so if you don't want to read the details, skip past the hyphens.

    -------------------------------------------------------
    First one was in high school. She was basically date raped by her first boyfriend when she was 12ish. We dated for a year and a half at the end of highschool and when we both went to separate colleges. She was extremely clingy and would call me so often that to this day I cannot stand the sound of my phone ringing, 7ish years later.

    Second one was the one that to my knowledge hadn't been assaulted in some way, that I know. Unfortunately, however, if there was something bothering her she would completely clam up and couldn't say a single word. I would get a long email 2 days later about why she was upset. She could never tell me anything face to face. I walked all over her and she would sneak around and read my secret journal (which I didn't know she knew about), and write the contents down to use against me later. Very passive aggressive person.

    Third one hadn't been assaulted, but she talked to her ex-boyfriend constantly. I think I was down on myself for some reason and dated her and put up with the crap because I felt miserable for some stupid reason. I also said some stupid things to her that probably made the situation worse.

    Fourth one was really nice for the most part but she had been raped and there were issues stemming from that. She would also have episodes where she would wake up in the middle of the night (or fall asleep randomly and wake up) having forgotten the past x years of her life. This led to very interesting, frightening, and painful situations. She could also be extremely jealous of my other female friends.

    Fifth one lied to me initially about being 21 (she was actually 18). This wasn't a huge deal to me but as time went on more issues came up. She had been molested by family at one point. She also dated and slept with one of her highschool teachers.

    I dated others but I didn't have sex with them. The latest one had been raped and brutalized by an ex boyfriend (in the kick you hard enough to abort kind of way). She also had REALLY bad experiences otherwise that I will not talk about. I'm glad that I didn't sleep with her, but I still think I let it get too far by doing other things. I caught her pretty much on the verge of going full lesbian. I think the only reason she was holding back was because of her family.
    ------------------------------------------

    Typing that out makes me feel kind of gross, actually. Anyway I want off the crazy train. I'm beginning to wonder if I might be messed up myself to be wanting to date girls like this.

    I'm an attractive enough guy that I don't go out of my way to dress up or anything. I have a really good talent that's useful for meeting ladies, so I don't have a problem meeting women generally.

    I just don't want to date extremely troubled women anymore. I want to be able to enjoy their company and not feel like I have to fix them or protect them from their past.

    I recently moved to an area where I know almost no-one for a better job and I want to start dating girls that don't need to go to therapy. I think sometimes I see a girl that many people will think is beautiful or pretty and I think "boring". Why is this? I've never talked to the girl before and I think she's boring? Why?

    What else could I possibly be doing that's making me attracted to/attracting the wrong kind of women? Can I just stop? Will I be doomed to think other girls are just boring? Is this just a perception of mine that needs to be defeated?
     
  2. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2009
    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    0
    Maybe you used to like being needed by these women, but not any more. Being the sensitive type was your 'hook'. Does 'boring' equal 'not needy' in your mind?
     
  3. hardlywaiting

    hardlywaiting New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think it's more like, no deep dark secrets that few people know about? I'm wondering if it's some kind of superiority thing.
     
  4. hardlywaiting

    hardlywaiting New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    I don't think I have a lot of issues. Or if I did I got over them, or so I think anyway.
     
  5. illectronic

    illectronic I'm Coming Home OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2005
    Messages:
    16,950
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Brooklyn
    Troubled people attract troubled people. Trust me, I have the same problem.
     
  6. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2000
    Messages:
    29,766
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Canada
    perhaps it's your personality trait to want or need to heal/care/help others
     
  7. illectronic

    illectronic I'm Coming Home OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2005
    Messages:
    16,950
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Brooklyn
    This too. A pretty common trait for females too.
     
  8. Schadenfreude1

    Schadenfreude1 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2006
    Messages:
    16,393
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Orleans
    White Knight Syndrome.
     
  9. untoastytoast

    untoastytoast The Glory Days

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2004
    Messages:
    10,842
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Palace of Auburn Hills
    in my case i attracted women who were on the same level of troubled-ness as i was. now that i am a lot healthier, i'm attracted to women who are like-wise healthy.
     
  10. hardlywaiting

    hardlywaiting New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hmm, this is making me think. I'm not feeling quite as bad as I was earlier, but now it's making me want to improve myself more and also keep my eye out for girls I otherwise wouldn't notice...
     
  11. hardlywaiting

    hardlywaiting New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Update if anyone cares:

    I met a few girls this weekend, and I noticed what I was really attracted to, and some steps I was taking in the wrong direction.

    I met a few girls that were on the awkward side. They would seem like they were lacking in confidence or a afraid to loosen up. I would linger awkwardly a little bit longer and find myself thinking about helping them out. I was kind of attracted to them, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking "she would be more interesting if...plus...." which would really be kind of horrible if I actually dated one of them. This has been how I have operated in the past.

    And then I met another girl that blew me away. She was extremely good looking, and I figured her for the more stuck up type. However, I ended up talking to her for quite a bit and she had so much confidence and I could just act like myself without thinking at all about fixing a damn thing. We have at least one big common interest (which is how we met) and she's good. It was great. I'll hopefully see her again and keep my eyes open when I get that feeling. I think I've ignored it for too long.

    And then I remembered all those girls in the past that I knew and I didn't act upon because they didn't come running to me for help, but I had found out later were interested in me...all too late. I think I based my relationships in the past on them asking me for help with something. That's how several of my relationships have started.

    I think it's time to kick it up a notch and go for what I want.
     
  12. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2009
    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    0
    Good for you!!
     
  13. polishillusion

    polishillusion New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2007
    Messages:
    1,319
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'm attracted to whackos too.

    White Knight Syndrome for sure.
     
  14. disley

    disley Ooooh no it isn't. Ooooh yes it is. OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2007
    Messages:
    25,371
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Under the Southern Cross.
    I don't know, but don't we all have baggage of some sort.
     
  15. Jimeigh

    Jimeigh Every rook and jay in the corvidae have been raven

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2005
    Messages:
    20,304
    Likes Received:
    0
    i think what you were feeling was an emotional response to a reflection of your values. I'm not going to presume to say you were "in love" with these girls, but you felt something strong enough to want to date them. It might be that you've had a troubled past, and while it wasnt nearly as troubled as these girls, it made you think these girls were, as you almost put it, more exciting than others. you saw something of yourself in them that made you want to keep them around. when i was in highschool i was in a similar situation, and looking back on it i'd say that i felt pretty crappy about myself and didn't know how to help myself, but thought i could help these girls, and that it might make me feel better: special because they "needed" me.

    you've realized that you don't want to value those kinds of people, and that's a good step to make. you're already special: you need you. you've realized you're the most important in your life, and you'd rather help yourself than help these other people anymore. i dont know how self-confident you are but a lot of the time, building up a good and healthy ego is necessary to get out of this mire that you're in. when you feel really good about yourself, you'll be attracted to people who feel really good about themselves. there's no "good ego" pill you can take, it will be a process. some things that help are: going to the gym/exercising regularly, a good diet, dressing up once and a while, being productive/keeping busy. good luck
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2009
  16. Jimeigh

    Jimeigh Every rook and jay in the corvidae have been raven

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2005
    Messages:
    20,304
    Likes Received:
    0
    this sounds like you're doing better. great for you, man.
     
  17. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    I had a LTR in the 90's with a troubled gal. It was an emotional rollercoaster.

    She hadn't been sexually molested, but had been "shit" on pretty bad by her previous relationships.

    The sex was awesome, but getting away from her was the best thing I ever did relationship wise.

    It also gave me a baseline on what to stay away from.

    Good luck!
     
  18. hardlywaiting

    hardlywaiting New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    It was a huge surprise to me that all these girls that had burn hurt sexually by some horrible person just wanted to be able to enjoy sex like anyone else. I had always thought that the most common reaction to something like that was to be extremely difficult to enjoy that sort of thing. The emotional/personality damage is much, much worse.
     

Share This Page