SRS I'm an alcoholic

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by scottymcc, Oct 1, 2004.

  1. scottymcc

    scottymcc New Member

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    Have been for a few years.

    I quit a while back but started again after two years dry (a whole psychotic episode was the reason).

    See, I didn't notice any withdrawel symptoms when I went back but it seems to have been down to the beta blockers and anti-depressants I was on anyway at the time.

    Just kept hitting the drink every morning noon and night, either pass out at least once a day or / and puke till my sides hurt.

    Right now I'm off it but it does have this horrible side effect when taken with my new medication which is for mania.

    It turned out I was running from a mixed mania psychosis, a form of manic depression which hasn't been the best of fun.

    There is no way out apart from the medication working, without it I'm confined to my room where I still won't feel safe or be away from the hallucinations, speeding thoughts bouts of anger and so on, not to mention the flash backs and symptoms of Depression.

    Right now I'm pretty positive though, been off the drink a few days, only smoking and caffeinne right now.

    See, it's not the stopping drinking I have much problem with it's the illness which is.

    The only thing keeping me from getting more booze is the fact that the mixing it with these drugs creates a whole new pain and one that's far worse than going without drink.

    The joy of legal drugs right? Perhaps the govt should spend a bit more time educating kids about drink as they do illegal drugs or heck just ban it outright.

    For the record I have no intention of going to AA and am Agnostic. I'd rather not hear any religious preachings.
     
  2. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

    Peace, and you're in the right place. Like it or not, you're prayed for. Blessings
     
  3. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    AA is not a religious program, but rather emphasized a spiritual belief. Its quite logical...

    Get beat down with booze.
    You'll realize you're powerless over controlling it.
    Other people are also powerless over controlling it.
    Other people go to AA meetings.
    They don't drink.
    Is it their own will? No, they were powerless.

    Thus the concept of "a power greater than yourself" comes into play. You can call this higher power whatever you believe it to be. If you want to call it the collective fellowship of AA, go for it. If you want to call it allah, go for it. If you want to call it God, so be it. AA does not advocate any one type of belief over another, just that you have to belief in SOMETHING.

    If you don't like anything of what i've said here...at least do me a favor and consider this coincidence. There is a chapter in the AA big book that is entitled "We agnostics."

    http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt4.pdf

    ^^ read that, please...

    Good luck.


    I don't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. I have a program with drug addiction and alcoholism. If you're the type of alcoholic that I was, your only hope is in fellowship with others. I'm not trying to scare you but had it not been for a 12-step fellowship, I would not have been able to quit. I was just fucking my life up. Try reading the "my story" thread in this forum for people's stories. See if you relate. I hope you become a little more open-minded to
     
  4. scottymcc

    scottymcc New Member

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    Ya know, I'd read some other page about the 12 step plan and it wasn't till I'd posted here that I read that bit you quoted about their idea of spiritual or whatever.

    It does sound better than I'd thought but I can't see myself going there, can't really do much till this sickness goes. Mainly being around people at all is my main problem and nothing other than drugs will help me get there if ever I do go.
     
  5. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    The only way you will learn to be comfortable around people, is to do just do it. Get yourself to a meeting, I know plenty of sick (physicall ill) people who have trudged to meetings even know they felt like shit. A friend of mine takes Interfuron for Hep C (which is very powerful and makes you feel like shit all the time, if you didn't know), and still came to meetings each week.

    Most of the time, he felt too shitty to talk, and would just sit there and listen. He began working a program, just as I have, and his life changed for the better. I would highly advise attending some meetings, it could easily save your life. Don't worry about the God issues, I was an atheist when I walked through the doors of NA. I was also so beat down by drugs and alcohol that I was willing to go to any length to get some recovery. If this meant meeting some new people and considering a new way of life without alcohol and drugs, so be it!

    I have never made a better decision in my life than to begin working the program of 12-step recovery.
     
  6. scottymcc

    scottymcc New Member

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    It's the mania which keeps me from being around people. Not just a simple fear, it's a bit more than that, quite a bit more.
     
  7. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    It's worth roughing it out, to save your life, and escape the prison that is active alcoholism. 12-step will give you freedom from you're constant need/impulse to drink and use drugs, it's well worth it. If it's physically possible, tell your head to shut up, and go to a meeting.
     
  8. scottymcc

    scottymcc New Member

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    The problem with going is i get auditory and primary (visual) halucinations constantly, paranoia, aggresive when with people, muscle stiffness, flashbacks and more all without the help of drink.

    Being around people agrivates the problem and is the main reason why I started drinking.

    Telling myself to stop would be telling the dopamine levels in my head to start leveling out which just isn't possible.
     
  9. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    Sounds like you need medical help. Can you get a hold of a doctor?
     
  10. scottymcc

    scottymcc New Member

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    off to see a shrink soon but am already on a lot of medication for this. Hardly notice the withdrawel because of it.
     
  11. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    Well, get the help you need from the medical community and then seek out some meetings. You'll find what you need. I promise.
     
  12. Zardoz

    Zardoz Guest


    Many in AA have grave mental disorders and as it says at the beginning of Chapter 5 in the Big Book they have the capacity to stay sober if rigorously honest with them selves. If you can admit you are powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable then go to any lengths to do what you have to in order to stay sober. I suggest you get a big book and read it in the comforts of your home. Seek therapy about the social anxiety and call your local AA intergroup for phone help. Then at some point it will be time to go to meetings.

    I can predict your future and it will be just like the past locked in a hell of your own making if you do what you have always done. If you try and reach out to others in the program of AA and do as they suggest you can and will find help. There is no time table for this it will be at your own pace but just remember if you are hurting step up the pace. Be honest with your self and reach out for help because recovery is possible.
     
  13. a red heart

    a red heart Guest

    You sound like a reasonable person at mind who has a body that unreasonably is affecting the mind. You need medical help. You need a STRONG desire and a STRONG set of values to think about and believe in 24x7 to keep your mind from doing what it is doing. I suggest seeing a doctor immediately and then doing some deep personal exploration via books on philosophy or whatever disciplines you have convictions for. Far too often people like you lack some sort of msytical town on the hill to cling onto-- don't be scared to dream and to shield yourself from your alcoholic evils by clinging onto the good idea... think happy gilmore.
     
  14. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    :ugh: what?

    Zardoz's post = :bigthumb: right on.
     
  15. a red heart

    a red heart Guest

    I don't know i was just throwing my personal experience on the matter into it. I could be dead wrong but everytime I ever had substance problems it was a psychological problem with me not having a really solid belief system and drive in life. I always encourage that kind of integration into anyone who recovers from a substance addiction.
     
  16. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    got it. Good call, i just couldn't tell if the happy gilmore reference meant you were being sarcastic.

    the truth is that we always think the solution to our problems is material in nature... but the problems are far deeper than material in nature.
     
  17. a red heart

    a red heart Guest

    what do you mean by 'material in nature'
     
  18. scottymcc

    scottymcc New Member

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    This illness prevents me from reading large amounts of text, even in here it's near impossible to read due to racing thoughts, tension, palputations that I feel through my whole body and a disscomfort at sitting still. - I type better than I read.

    Honestly it's more the mania that effects my socialising, it's the hallucinating, paranoia, ticks and extreme disscomfort at even sitting still, the meds are making this easier now though.

    ok, but I don't know what that is so erm... ;)

    I get what a number of you are talking about by getting to my root issues but it is the chemicals in my head right now that need fixing first, I had the luck of someone councilling me a while back who took it a step further with me by helping see myself as others do.

    Unfortunatly this sickness is beyond words right now and helps to play against what I've learnt in the last ten years.
     
  19. scottymcc

    scottymcc New Member

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    I'm finding it pretty easy to quit myself, the meds I'm on right now like anti-depressants and beta blocker s more or less take care of the withdrawel for me.

    When I stop taking them and am better it'll be interesting to see how easy it is for me to quit.
     
  20. BedBunny

    BedBunny Guest

    if you read the list of side effects of your anti-depressant med you may see mania listed as one of them. could the med be causing your symptom?
     
  21. scottymcc

    scottymcc New Member

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    No, the muscle tension, racing thought and so on have been consisten throughoout.

    Seroxat has actually helped the mania side at a high doseage.

    Update - I have given up on the mania meds, I can't handle the side effects and am on my way to the shrink.
     
  22. BedBunny

    BedBunny Guest

    that's what i am saying... i know some of the anti-dep meds help some people, but for some people the side effects make things worse.

    i wish you luck finding a balance.
     
  23. rchlgnd

    rchlgnd Guest

    scottymcc, I'm an agnostic, like you, and I've finally gotten on the right meds, something for psychotic breaks and something for mood swings, in the right doses, finally, now that I'm 64. I have 21 years of sobriety from alcohol. All this has taken a long time, has been a voyage of self-discovery. I was teaching English in a Japanese university when I had my first pyschotic break, at 34 years of age, and I ended up washing the thorazine down with scotch, and was blacked out for over two weeks. Ten years later, in America, I had to go in the hospital for alcoholism treatment, because my agnosticism and anti god feelings kept me from AA; but even in the hospital they told me no human power could save me, but a higher power could and would if a higher power were sought. The hospital was just AA on-site. The first step of AA is that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. Surely you can take that step. It was the second step that would cause us agnostics with mental health problems so much trouble: It suggested the next step former recovered AA members had taken in their recovery, that is, Came to believe that a powerer greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. How hopeless that seemed to me. For weeks the doctors tried to argue me into a belief of god, but of course it couldn't work. Then in desperation, toward the end of my stay, one night I prayed to a god I didn't believe in, for help, and had a spiritual experience. I experienced a warm glow, a light, inside my brain that transended, melted down my shoulders and back and I felt relaxed for the first time in soooo long, and I had a good rest that night. Such a simple thing, but I became an agnostic who believed, because I experienced, an agnostic who was on his way to 21 years of recovery in AA. I still, like many AA members, have no churchly affiliations but only follow my own spiritual path. Scottymcc, I don't mean to suggest my personal path is your personal path, but only that being an agnostic, and having mental health issues is no insurmountable hurdle: I want to offer hope. I wish you the best.
     
  24. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    Thank you for sharing all this, seriously. I think you have the most sobriety time on the forum! It helps to have more people share here, so i encourage you to come back. I appreciate your share from the agnostic side of the coin, as I believe many people concern themselves with this.

    Congrats on 21 years.
     
  25. rchlgnd

    rchlgnd Guest

    Nukegoat, thanks for the warm welcome
     

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