SRS I'm a total mess

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by THoC, Feb 11, 2009.

  1. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    Gf of almost 2 yrs left me last week.

    we were great together. got each other very well. almost never argued about anything.
    sex started to decline but it did not bother me all that much bc everything else was there.
    we talked about getting married. talked about having kids.
    i bought a house for us (my name only) and a puppy. all was great.....

    about 3 months ago she hit a patch where she felt depressed about her life. she felt like she was not going anywhere in her personal growth.
    i was there for her.

    then last week a sense this creeping up again. i ask her if she is happy.. happy with us... and she breaks down crying.
    says she thinks she depends on me too much for support (both mental and financial).
    she feels like she is not putting forth what i am in the relationship. bc of this she has lost the spark for our relationship.

    i told her i wanted to be there for her... wanted to fight for her... for us. but she feels like she needs to move out and be independent. figure out life on her own. then maybe one day we will be together again.

    now she tries to act like we are best friends and im just not able to transfer my feelings from being in love to being best friends.

    every time i start to feel a little better i think about how much i love her.
    this girl is talking to me right now and i just cant help but think of my ex.
    i have zero interest in "hooking" up.

    i have no idea what to do.... and keep in mind that ive been through a divorce. that was tough but i knew deep down it was best for both of us.

    this one is just dragging me down big time :hs:
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Sorry to hear that :sad2:

    But you know the answer. You know what you have to do....you just have to be strong and do it.
     
  3. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    well i know i have to move on. time will make it easier.

    i have no ill feelings towards her. she even asked me to come hang out w. her this thur.
    i wanted to say yes, but declined.
    i just need more time to settle my feelings down before i simply can go back to hanging out with her... and even then.... i dont know if i will ever be able to just be friends.

    an issue is that she is only 22. she even admitted to it.

    so in my heart i keep thinking "give her sometime. then down the line you can start back up".

    she even said she cannot picture herself being w. anyone else. she sees herself w. me down the line..... but for now what am i to do?
     
  4. UCFGavin

    UCFGavin Active Member

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    personally i think its good for her to want to be independent. you can't expect her to be happy with you if she isn't happy with herself.

    i think the best course of action would be for you to tell her that you want her to be independent and do things for herself, and work towards a mutually independent relationship, but that you have no interest in just being friends because you love her too much to do that to yourself.
     
  5. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    as of now i think its too late for me to ask her to be in a relationship with me.
    she is pretty set that she needs to move out and not date me bc she feels she cannot give what i give (even emotionally) to the relationship.

    i keep thinking to myself to just enjoy life the best i can. then months down the line when i see her getting a hold of her life more ask her out on a date and see where it goes from there.

    but even that makes me feel weak. bc... if i do this and she says no i will be crushed all over again.
     
  6. UCFGavin

    UCFGavin Active Member

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    then be strong and let her know you hope for the best and that if she feels as though she can contribute to come back to you.

    in all honesty, i have a hard time believing she really wants to be with you if she isn't willing to try. it sounds like shes using the "its not you, its me" excuse. because i believe if you really love someone and you don't feel like you're doing enough, you don't push them away to build yourself up, you use their support and motivation to become independent and a contributor to the relationship.
     
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    What are you to do? Move on with your life. You just learned a lot about love and relationships, you have a new house and now a puppy to take care of.

    You two cannot keep up contact, it's only going to crush you more. You have to accept that you have to let her go and remember why and just do it. If in a few years you two are the .5% that actually gets back together because she grows up and then yay! But chances are if you realize you deserve someone who will fight to stay with you you'll move on just fine.
     
  8. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    you know what sucks about what you just said?

    that its true.
     
  9. UCFGavin

    UCFGavin Active Member

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    you're already way ahead of the game just by acknowledging it. you know how many people stay in denial for months?

    you'll be ok
     
  10. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    its a bitch. but unless you want to be single the rest of your life i guess its a must.

    when we first started dating she was worried that i would leave her. she knew me for about a year and saw me date around quite a bit.

    we even went on a few dates when we first met but i was not ready.
    that whole year she wanted to be with me.
    then we date. i never wrong her. and this happens..... :hsugh:
     
  11. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    You can't hold yourself accountable for anything.

    That might have been the issue, you never did do anything wrong.

    Now im not saying that you should be looking forward to making mistakes or doing something wrong, but from what you said in your OP, she feels she is to dependent on you.

    Stop thinking about what went wrong. She admitted to you that she didn't feel she developed as a person properly. She said she relied on you mentally, financially, and sadly, cause she is young, you probably affected the way she grew up/matured.

    Shes a young girl at 22, the thought of marriage could of hit her hard, kids could of hit her hard, life comes fast. But I think what hit her the hardest was the fact that you were there to help her through everything, and she is finally realizing that.

    Maybe she just wants to grow up a bit and become a bit more independent, and if thats the case, you can't be upset with yourself or her. If you truely loved her, you would be happy that she is opening her eyes to life and is realizing that certain things need to change in order for her to be any type of successful.

    You know what you have to do, it hurts, but its the truth. Iwishyouwerebeer hit it on the head when she said you have to stop contact. You'll feel much better about yourself... Maybe 6 months down the line you'll hear from here and she'll be doing much better for herself, in all aspects of the matter.
     
  12. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    It is a great thing you got dumped. Now you get the chance to experience the company of other interesting and beautiful women.

    cut all contact with ex
     
  13. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    i didnt mention this but.... its hard to break ALL contact when she works with me. I can avoid talking to her but i will see her almost daily.

    she is also still paying me back for a loan on a check by check basis... so some communication will be needed.

    but i do see your points. she really wants to remain friends w. me. she actually asked me if i wanted to spend v-day w. her.... did i want to watch the office w. her, etc...

    i feel bad doing this but i have to break contact for me to deal w. this.... at least break contact as best i can.
     
  14. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    sounds like you made your bed then already

    (get a new job)
     
  15. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    :rofl:

    thats not going to happen. i have a very good job for a very good company... id much rather deal w. me being emo over her then be broke and have to find a job in this economy. especially trying to find a job that pays me what i get now.
     
  16. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Ahh, this will not end well
     

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