this is gonna sound like a lot of bragging, but what the hell.. 1. i've taken at least one person's girlfriend. i knew she liked me when she approached me, and we worked together on a project for university.. where i promptly took the entire burden on my back, which wasn't easy or entirely deliberate, but which left her completely dependent and obedient to me. i worked from there. there was one day i met her and her boyfriend for lunch in the afternoon, and i was inside her the same night. 2. 2 years ago, a certain girl ends up in a group with me for a university project. i cultivate this friend's trust carefully and patiently, because i know she's friends with a certain girl i've had my eye on for a very long time. i suspect she likes me, talking often about her boyfriend's weaknesses, going through trouble here and there, and saying she wants me to be happy. i keep her at arms' length, and i know she's jealous when i spend time with the girl i used her to infiltrate. 3. meanwhile, i'm on great terms with the girl i had my eye on. been to her house, met her family, taken her dancing, to dinner, and lay in the same bed with her half-naked while her boyfriend was out of the country. she says she trusts me because her friend (#2) and i seem to be close. recently i broke promises to the girl in #2, while subsequently spending more time with this girl (no causality). i suspect she likes me, though maybe just in the most superficial way. - the girls in #2 and #3 used to be good friends with each other; recently the one in #3 told me that they've been drifting away, and that i was closer to #2 than she was. similarly, #2 said i was closer to #3.. hence i'm closer to either of them than they were to each other originally! alright. - things didn't work out with the girl in #1. i still see her sometimes, we talk sometimes, but she hardly seems to place any weight on the time we spend anymore; just this thursday she took a raincheck on dinner and was in no hurry to reschedule. i get the impression that she thinks i'm scheming with the other female friends i have in a similar way, and a lot of people i know seem to suspect something similar of me, including the friend in #2. but i actually don't care what they think for the most part, except for how it affects my scheming. - i don't really have any male friends. the boyfriend of the girl in #3 takes me for a friend and does a lot of favors, but usually at the girl's request. most of my female friends are reasonably attractive. guys seems pretty boring most of the time, and my side of the conversation is almost always filler talk and head nodding. - last year, a friend told me he had a crush on a certain girl. in 2 weeks i took the girl out for dinner; i told him about it a month later. to boot, i offended the girl i took out for dinner somehow, so neither of them have spoken to me for 6 months. i've had people uninterested in talking to me my whole life, but that was the first time i'd had people avoid me like that. on wednesday i'm gonna be taking the girl in #2 (friend of girl in #3) on a long overdue night out to dinner. it was supposed to be just good fun among two friends (she's got a boyfriend), but thanks to having delayed it for more than a month and the huge amount of time and attention she believes i've spent on the girl in #3, i suspect it's not gonna be as good. she's been a really good friend and i have no idea how to show her that. i've gotten her two presents in the last 2 months, but they seem to have been forgotten already. she seems convinced that i'm doing this out of guilt or for the sake of keeping a promise, and that i'd rather be spending time with the girl in #3. and she's right. except i'm only really interested in #3 in the most physical and superficial manner. but lately i've managed to convince myself that i'd stab #3's boy in the back for a night with her... despite the realization that i couldn't, and, more importantly, wouldn't, do as much as her SO of 4 years would do for her. like #1, there's the very real chance that something with #2 and #3 just fizzles in the end; not that it'd be much better if it didn't. CLIFFS: i just don't understand why i can't seem to develop and sustain normal friendships, and why all my energy seems to be focused on getting laid. all my friendships seem to be potential sexual relations.. as a result i've broken 3 friendships in the last year, and am on the verge of breaking 3 more now i think. i don't like the idea of breaking them, but at the same time i can't begin to believe that a deep friendship can mean anything to me. this quote from Good Will Hunting runs throught my head a lot: "You don't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much." i've gotta apologize if this is all slightly incoherent. i'll be happy to fill in any blanks, and any thoughts at all would be appreciated.