SRS i'm a cunning manipulative amoral asshole

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by glass, Mar 11, 2006.

  1. glass

    glass New Member

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    this is gonna sound like a lot of bragging, but what the hell..

    1. i've taken at least one person's girlfriend. i knew she liked me when she approached me, and we worked together on a project for university.. where i promptly took the entire burden on my back, which wasn't easy or entirely deliberate, but which left her completely dependent and obedient to me. i worked from there. there was one day i met her and her boyfriend for lunch in the afternoon, and i was inside her the same night.

    2. 2 years ago, a certain girl ends up in a group with me for a university project. i cultivate this friend's trust carefully and patiently, because i know she's friends with a certain girl i've had my eye on for a very long time. i suspect she likes me, talking often about her boyfriend's weaknesses, going through trouble here and there, and saying she wants me to be happy. i keep her at arms' length, and i know she's jealous when i spend time with the girl i used her to infiltrate.

    3. meanwhile, i'm on great terms with the girl i had my eye on. been to her house, met her family, taken her dancing, to dinner, and lay in the same bed with her half-naked while her boyfriend was out of the country. she says she trusts me because her friend (#2) and i seem to be close. recently i broke promises to the girl in #2, while subsequently spending more time with this girl (no causality). i suspect she likes me, though maybe just in the most superficial way.

    - the girls in #2 and #3 used to be good friends with each other; recently the one in #3 told me that they've been drifting away, and that i was closer to #2 than she was. similarly, #2 said i was closer to #3.. hence i'm closer to either of them than they were to each other originally! alright.

    - things didn't work out with the girl in #1. i still see her sometimes, we talk sometimes, but she hardly seems to place any weight on the time we spend anymore; just this thursday she took a raincheck on dinner and was in no hurry to reschedule. i get the impression that she thinks i'm scheming with the other female friends i have in a similar way, and a lot of people i know seem to suspect something similar of me, including the friend in #2. but i actually don't care what they think for the most part, except for how it affects my scheming.

    - i don't really have any male friends. the boyfriend of the girl in #3 takes me for a friend and does a lot of favors, but usually at the girl's request. most of my female friends are reasonably attractive. guys seems pretty boring most of the time, and my side of the conversation is almost always filler talk and head nodding.

    - last year, a friend told me he had a crush on a certain girl. in 2 weeks i took the girl out for dinner; i told him about it a month later. to boot, i offended the girl i took out for dinner somehow, so neither of them have spoken to me for 6 months. i've had people uninterested in talking to me my whole life, but that was the first time i'd had people avoid me like that.



    on wednesday i'm gonna be taking the girl in #2 (friend of girl in #3) on a long overdue night out to dinner. it was supposed to be just good fun among two friends (she's got a boyfriend), but thanks to having delayed it for more than a month and the huge amount of time and attention she believes i've spent on the girl in #3, i suspect it's not gonna be as good. she's been a really good friend and i have no idea how to show her that. i've gotten her two presents in the last 2 months, but they seem to have been forgotten already. she seems convinced that i'm doing this out of guilt or for the sake of keeping a promise, and that i'd rather be spending time with the girl in #3.

    and she's right. except i'm only really interested in #3 in the most physical and superficial manner. but lately i've managed to convince myself that i'd stab #3's boy in the back for a night with her... despite the realization that i couldn't, and, more importantly, wouldn't, do as much as her SO of 4 years would do for her. like #1, there's the very real chance that something with #2 and #3 just fizzles in the end; not that it'd be much better if it didn't.

    CLIFFS:
    i just don't understand why i can't seem to develop and sustain normal friendships, and why all my energy seems to be focused on getting laid. all my friendships seem to be potential sexual relations.. as a result i've broken 3 friendships in the last year, and am on the verge of breaking 3 more now i think. i don't like the idea of breaking them, but at the same time i can't begin to believe that a deep friendship can mean anything to me.

    this quote from Good Will Hunting runs throught my head a lot:

    "You don't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much."

    i've gotta apologize if this is all slightly incoherent. i'll be happy to fill in any blanks, and any thoughts at all would be appreciated.
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2006
  2. LiQuiD_FuSioN

    LiQuiD_FuSioN New Member

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    OT: I really need to go to college.. lol.
     
  3. glass

    glass New Member

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    haha.. not really. i didn't really date in high school, which probably explains most of this. somewhere along the line my peers learned to actually care for their SOs, and i guess i missed that class.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Your problem is that you are willing to 'go over dead people's bodies' to get towards your goal.

    Imagine you totally in love with this particular girl, she goes all 'your the best thing in my life, i love you and want to marry you' , and then you find out she used you to fuck your best friend. How would make you feel? Like a pretty incoherent fuck who got abused is my best bet.

    Therefore a warning , always 'perceive' things from another persons shoes and views. You can't just walse over people's feelings, don't do against others what you wouldn't do to yourself. Its hard tho, but you should find more creative non destructive not only on sex based ways to intereact with other people's gf's. Its better to really really 'love' someone and going into a relationship with that person ,then the eventual sex that would follow would only be natural.

    Really watch out with that stuff, and who's people's feelings you hurt, don't go tripping over your ego. Because its something that gives you real loss , which you don't know about because losing someone you loved in a simular way hasn't happend to you, and if you where really caring about other people, you wouldn't have the courage to betray them like that.
     
  5. glass

    glass New Member

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    i agree with you completely... and i wish i could say i haven't thought about any of that at least once in the past. i know i'll be hurting a lot of people (least of all myself) and that it is destructive, that the amusement isn't sustainable, and that i wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of anything i'm doing. but i just don't seem to care, because these amusements are all i know.

    i think i've got this philosophy of "efficiency >>> equity" programmed in me to a bit of an extreme. of course the problem with 'survival of the fittest' is that you can't expect mercy from life when you play your hand wrong.. and i do everything i've described in full knowledge of that. i'm more than ready for the consequences of my actions, and i almost always feel like i'm ready to lose everything. and i don't know why that is, or how i can fix that. when i get cheated, i feel at fault for being careless or inadequate. when i lose, i always think it's because i should've been better.
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2006
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Your boldness is enchanting, However 'preventing' is better then healing from all the karmatic emotional hurt that will get repelled at you. You should play 'safe' , although without taking risks not much profit can be gained,and without sacrifices one cannot expect anything equivalent in return, there's no need to injure people's emotions unneccesary. My my if you ask me you are walking carelessly over people's hearts , so many people have come together and have married without walking over crushed emotions and devestating people's lives like you are doing.

    Well at least you know what the problem is, my advice is to try to 'preserve' other people's feelings. I mean its not war time, so you might as wel get to know a girl in a regular and kind way. In the future plz use people friendly methods , for every selfish act is a sin.
     
  7. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Just keep on doing what you're doing.

    I don't think true morality is an intellectual choice, in that you don't simply choose, in the absence of any real motivator, to simply become ethical and morally whole on some arbitrary day.

    It's going to take a "significant episode" in your life to alter your path. And in that vein, I suggest you continue your downward spiral. Your comeuppance will be that much more devastating, and all the more satisfying to the dozens of people who you've fucked over.

    And it will be a chance for the more evolved of those people to realize just how evolved and wise they've become when they feel not glee at your misfortune, but instead feel compassion and pity.

    It's they who have come to realize and witness the interconnectedness of all beings, all life, all intelligence in this world.
     
  8. OpoQ

    OpoQ 12 Shades of Awesome

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    You're not going to hell, just expect a very bumpy ride on your way through the years that follow this moment.

    Karma is a bitch when it comes to human emotion. When it happens you will know, trust me.
     
  9. glass

    glass New Member

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    johan:
    i notice you usually reply with at least a modicum of empathy towards anyone, so i was kinda taken back by the apparent lack of it. but you might be right.. that could be precisely what it takes.

    i think a person can change his behavior without a significant episode needing to occur; but without a real motivator (e.g. comeuppance), i don't know how long he can sustain it. there's the chance though that a person can change his behavior in the hope that a good reason will come later, and if i could read between lines i would suspect that was your point. in that case, i guess i have a choice.
     
  10. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I am impressed that you came back with a thoughtful response that showed humility instead of dismissive arrogance.

    So...perhaps you're not entirely the "cunning manipulative amoral asshole" you thought you were?

    Maybe there's hope yet. Isn't there?

    And so maybe my post served its purpose in drawing that out. Sometimes the true meaning of a post doesn't lie so much in the words on the page, but in what's behind the words.
     
  11. glass

    glass New Member

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    they say a madman doesn't know he's mad, and evil people are usually sure of their righteousness. i've always thought there was hope, but i'm also sure i'm more naive than most. it's unfortunate but i owe a lot of my life experience to going against so many of the values i believed in for so long, e.g. selflessness, pacifism, honesty, etc. but i suppose that's how you learn.. if you just aligned your life against your values without ever challenging them, i suspect you'll always be wondering what you were missing. well.. not what you were missing - but going against your values you tend notice the subtle merits you didn't see before, and if you come back to those values your belief is stronger than when you left.

    anyway.. maybe that fear of loss is all i need, or maybe nearly losing everything will do the trick. who knows. sort of like how people who just escape death begin to live to the fullest. sometimes it looks like there's not really much worth looking for in life besides the hard and fast, and it still looks that way to me. but i've been going cold turkey this week (not entirely deliberately), and am willing to see where it goes.

    the replies have been very helpful and have given a few things to think about.. i don't really have much more to discuss at the moment, but any more food for thought will be welcome.
     
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2006
  12. glass

    glass New Member

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    it's been three months since i posted this, and i dunno.

    nothing terrible's happened more so because i'm afraid to take the bold leap that will bury me, than out of firm resolve.
     
  13. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Fear is a state of hell

    For example if you are in a room with a door in it, that room effectivly becomes a prison if you are afraid to go thru that door.
     

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