FRK If your SO just ain't into it...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by justsomejoe2002, Jan 18, 2005.

  1. I read the stuff in FS and find myself longing for a chick that is as into sex as I am. My wife and I love each other, we're best friends, we'll be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary in March, but she is nowhere near freaky enough for me. I wasn't always this way, of course, and I would never have considered even thinking about doing some of the things I do/want to do today when we first met. It's like she doesn't want sex, and when we do, she always wants this slow, tender love. That's fine too, dont get me wrong, but she's never in the mood to just fuck like animals.

    I figured out what I'm missing. You know when you first meet someone and you fuck the first time? You can't stand it, you rip each others clothes off and fuck and kiss each other's body all over and it's very intense. That's the kind of sex I want to have with her, but how do we get there after 9 years of marriage? Am I being unrealistic thinking that she's in the minority when it comes to not being interested in sex? I think maybe I read OT too much and think that a lot of chicks want to get fucked. But then when I talk to female friends, they tell me that they love sex just as much as a guy and want it every day too, or at least 4-5 times a week. At this point I'd settle for some good fucking once a week even.

    Granted we're both very busy, she's starting a new job next week, she's a social worker, so the job isn't exactly stress free, I work in a foster home, we both bring home a lot of mental baggage every day. Most importantly, we're expecting our first baby in June and I'm so so very happy about that, I love to rub her belly as it's just now starting to really show, it feels hard, it's so incredible, I love when she gets sonograms, it's the most amazing thing to see the baby moving around inside her like that, it blows my mind.

    OK long post, but I guess what I'm asking is 1) Do the majority of women want sex as much as men do? 2)Are the women of FS really that rare? I'm not even talking about doing the things FS women do, but just as horny as FS women, 3) Is there a way to ever get that feeling of lust that you have when you first meet someone?

    Thanks for your thoughts guys. I've thought about talking to my wife to see how she'd feel if I had a FWB, but I think she's never trust me again, I know you're going to say "just ask her," but you don't know her like I do, she'd say no way, and then I know that she'd think that I'm already doing it, and it would turn into this huge fight with her possibly leaving me. Even if I did say something to her, it won't be while she's pregnant, I don't want to cause her or the baby any stresss.
     
  2. Trina

    Trina New Member

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    First of all, if you have been together and faithful for 9 years there shouldn't be anything that you couldn't talk to her about. Maybe she just doesn't know how freaky you want to be and might surprise you by being open to a little more fun in bed.

    Second, she's pregnant right now, give her another month and her hormones should really kick in and she'll be wanting sex more often, god knows I couldn't get enough when I was pregnant.

    Third, even having the idea of a FWB after you have your child is BAD BAD BAD. If you think she's insecure or unsure of herself sexually now, just wait til you suggest that she's just not sexual enough for your appetite and you want to go elsewhere. If you want to make her feel totally insignificant in your life THAT is definitely the route to go. I may be harsh about this, I tell the truth. DO NOT, under any circumstances, even MENTION a FWB, not now, not after the baby.

    And btw, after the baby she's isn't going to want sex for a good long while, so you better enjoy what you get while you can get it.

    Best thing for you to do is to sit down with her and talk about your interests in the bedroom, just don't do it IN the bedroom. This isn't something for pillow talk.
     
  3. I've tried talking to her about things, while we were having sex even, and she tells me afterwards that what I want is gross.

    I'll take your advice about the FWB thing, I don't think I would ever talk to her about it anyways, I really don't want to hurt her feelings or break her heart.

    I just feel rejected and lonely a lot.
     
  4. Trina

    Trina New Member

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    My husband and I have been thru the same things you are going thru. There were times when we would just totally ravage each other, and other times when one or the both of us just didn't want sex at all or just didn't have the previous passion as we once had.

    It's all about balance in your life. Considering your occupations, it's not surprising to me that she would go for the gentle and tender sex, she needs the comfort after the emotional turmoils of every day. And it's not a bad thing for you either.

    Believe me, I understand about the first part of pregnancy and her not being that interested in sex right now, the hormones should really kick in and help in that department in the last two trimesters. Don't panic if it doesn't, just be aware of her needs and desires. Help her out around the house as much as you can to lighten her physical workload and that will help conserve her energy for other activities.

    My hubby and I have been together for 14 years, married for 13, and until just a few years ago, I had not gotten into anything really freaky at all. With lots of forethought and play during sex, we are a lot more adventurous now, I actually enjoy anal sex (only did this after the first child, made it a lot easier for me for some reason), and we go thru times where we have quite a lot of sex and other times where we don't as much.

    Our life kinda swings on a pendulum, we have found that it works pretty good for us. We wouldn't mind working in more sex into our schedule, but then scheduling it kinda takes the fun out of it.

    Here's an idea for you. Get a calendar for the bedroom to hang on the wall somewhere and each time you have sex, put a smiley face on it. This will be a visible reminder for both of you to put your sex life in a higher priority, not just for you, but for both of you. It will also help you keep track and make you both pay attention to your sex life and not neglect it.

    Now for the big questions: What all have you talked to her about or tried to talk to her about? What is it that you would like to do to expand your experiences? Got to have some details so I know what to suggest for help. :big grin:
     
  5. contactone

    contactone OT Supporter

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    What exactly are you saying to her during sex? Maybe it's not the actual sexual acts that bothers her, but your delivery is not to her liking.

    What are your ages, upbringing
    and sexual histories?
     
  6. Trblmkr

    Trblmkr Tap that Ass

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    My wife and I will be celbrating out 20th this Friday... we've gone from sex 3-4 times a week to 3-4 times a month and back again. Schedules play a huge part in finding time for each other. Calendar is a good suggestion, even making a specific night "date night" which is just for you to.

    Some other things that work... make a date with her at a local bar. Act as if you don't know her and try to pick her up... or have her try to pick you up:naughty: :naughty:

    But really, you should be able to talk with her about anything... not during sex though... try it some other time when your focus isn't about the "BED"
     
  7. dumb_end_user

    dumb_end_user Sad Gus

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    Few things that come to mind immediately.

    I have been in the same boat - my wife likes to be the aggressive one. I never would have guessed as I thought she never wanted sex (when I was having these issues).

    Don't do anything remotely sexual with or towards her for a week and see where she is at. I know it is hard not to throw an innuendo in there every once in a while but bite your tongue. Just be there for her without trying to be sexual. I used to "ask" for sex whenever I wanted it - especially right after I had had it and she just wasn't interested. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to miss out oan any opportunities - I felt like it was a catch-22. I knew I couldn't ask for it because then I would "be asking too much" and I was worried that if I didn't ask then I wasn't going to get any. She wanted to be the one who decided when and where. She likes to be the one in control until she "lets" someone take over and take advantage of her. Now I just blow her off until she pouts around the house telling me how wet her pussy is and asks me to take care of it for her.

    It is a fine line between flirting enough to get her interested and making her feel like an object.

    If that doesn't work, you can always try:

    You - "Look honey, I need to talk to you about something."
    Her - "OK, what is it?"
    You - "I am unsatisfied with the amount/quality of sex that we have and I would like to offer some suggestions of how I think it could be better."
     
  8. xela

    xela So say we all!

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    Those are great suggestions. I too, was having problems with my boyfriend in this same area and he'd always say, "I don't like when you ask me. It makes me feel like I'm pressured." I'd discuss with him my interests in BDSM and such, but he always seemed hesitant.

    I started to just not ask. If I was feeling particularly frisky, I'd just happen to "walk by" him while in a sexy bra or something. Eventually, he got the hint and totally surprised me with a great night of exactly what I was looking for. He was into it, I was into it and it seems to have already rekindled our drive for each other.
     
  9. FairyTat

    FairyTat Anticipation, the taste of things to cum

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    I feel compelled to respond to these questions. These are just my opinions.
    1. Every woman is different. For women sex is a very mental act. Maybe you should try getting her to tell you what she has fantasys about? Sounds like you both need to communicate more openly. Some women have high sex drives and some don't. Mine has increased with age.
    2. Some of the women on FS that you're referring to have the same problems you do. If you read the posts regularly you'll realize that just because these ladies know what they want/need, that doesn't mean they always get it. On the horny side of things, woman who are sexually aware of themselves usually have a higher sex drive. Maybe your wife just hasn't admitted to herself that it's okay to be a horny woman. Society tells women that they shouldn't feel that way. I was in my early thirties before I accepted that I have a right to want sex just as much as a man.
    3. I don't think you every get that "first lust" back. But you can bring lust back into the relationship with work on both parts. You have to both want it and be willing to be open with each other.

    I have to say that this is a really bad time to try to improve your sex life. A woman pregnant with her first child is probably going to be scared, worried, etc. Talking about sexual needs and that you wish she was a little freakier in bed is not going to go over very well. I'm afraid you may have to wait till the baby is here and things settle down a little to try to work on this problem.

    As for the FWB, are you crazy? You cannot do that to a pregnant woman or a new mother. Do you want to lose her? That's all that will come out of you even mentioning a FWB.
     
  10. Tornado6

    Tornado6 When the wind set down in funnel form and pulled y

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    Ok, first things first. You've been married for nine years, you both work full time, she's a little pregnant, and you have a full schedule of cooking and cleaning and housework to do? YES, you are at the 'no sex tonight' stage of your relationship.

    I don't know what you are like or what you do around the house, but sex starts in the laundry room. I'm not kidding. If she sees you contributing, and if her load gets noticably lighter, and she knows you're doing it for her (not to get laid) then you may start getting laid. I think THIS may be the one thing most women really want and none of us know how to ask for.

    This is where men and women really diverge. A man can go out and dig ditches all day, then come home and want to fuck like crazy before he even gets a shower. Or in the shower. Or on the way to the shower. You know. Women tend to get slowly worn out by their daily activities, it just slowly slowly sucks all of the sex right out of your body. It just isn't hot to lay there and worry about having to do the dishes. :hs: We're really good at getting on these mental streaks where sex doesn't even really cross our minds because there are too many other not sexy things to get done.

    Yes, you can get that back from time to time... It really didn't last that long the first time, if you think about it. The new person you're fucking literally takes over your life for that "new sex" time period. You're crazy with it, you always think about it, and you're always sorta horny because it is on your mind all day. It isn't logical for that to last through nine years of marriage, because there are other things to do. But you can still have your moments. There are only about 1,001 books written about 'putting the spice back in' your love life. Get one or two or 10 of them. I don't think a FWB is the answer to your problem, unless you really want to go through a divorce this year.



    Chin up. There will come a time in her pregnancy when all she wants is dick. I wore my ex-husband out at around 7 months. It's all about hormones and physical changes... Who cares, just enjoy it :big grin: You probably won't have a 'normal' sex life with her for at least a few years, because the fact is that she's going into mommy mode, which means a lot of her attention will be diverted from you. The baby will be up at night. She may even feel more vanilla than ever now that she's a mom. It's all part of the whole package of husband and daddy. I'm fairly certain that the sex life you manage to create for yourself within your marriage / fatherhood will be much more rewarding than banging some hot chick for 20 minutes in the back of a van. Ya know? Enjoy the process and the journey with her, and some day, in about 20 years, your kid will be out of the house and she'll be all over you :p
     
  11. Acesn8s

    Acesn8s The Deadman's Hand

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    There's a lot of good advice here. I'd like to add that in my experience, some (if not most) women don't like being put on the spot, to try something new, in the heat of things. The best time to discuss some of your fantasies is in a neutral place (livingroom not the bedroom).

    As for sex drives, there's a lot of things that kill or enhance them. When we started sating my wife couldn't keep her hands off me. It was great, now I can't keep her up past 9 PM and she doesn't like fooling around when I get home from work because she's hungry (she gets done with work @ 3 pm I get home @ 6p pm). I've got a real narrow window of opportunity and if she has to grade paper/homework I'm shit out of luck.

    Add to those complications the fact that she's on Zoloft and the pill and I've got a wife with a really low libido. All the laundry and dishes in the world aren't going to over come the chemicals and hormones issues. So I've caught up on some porn and I've been thinking about some FS stories to write. She's hoping to ween herself off the zoloft next month (Im not going to pressure her) and I'm hoping that will fix a good deal of the problems.
     
  12. LuMpY

    LuMpY New Member

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    Damn. This isn't my thread and I'm not even in a relationship anymore, but I got some good advice out of it so far. You guys are awsome. :)
     
  13. Trina

    Trina New Member

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    Oh, we aim to please. Or at least steer people in the right direction of pleasures. ;)
     
  14. dnallivah

    dnallivah Guest

    A few thoughts of my own. When my SO and I got together, I was the biggest girl he's ever dated. I'm still in the process of losing weight, but for a bit I slowed it down to make sure he knew that I was losing it for me and not for him.

    It's important for her to know that you feel she's beautiful. Even if it's not looks, she's got to feel beautiful for you before she'll want to do anything different. There's still things I won't do with this guy cause for so long I was insecure about it, I nearly left him but I could tell if we stayed together good things could come from it. And they have, including, I myself am pregnant now.

    I know you've shared your wants and desires with her (in whatever form) but have you talked to her about her wants and desires? She may be bashsful about it at first, but once she gets comfortable with it, you may find some of your desires mesh with hers. Maybe not as freaky as you want at first, but expirmentation can lead to anything.

    I'm 10 weeks, and our sex life declined for a bit, but my morning sickness is about 24/7...it's hard to be attracted to someone that just spent 20 minutes yacking in the toilet, and as much as I hate it, it's so damn hard for me to give him head. Especially since I have him trained for morning sex...and theres nothing I can do but lay and try not to be sick.

    Pregancy is a wonderful time to start with expirmentation. Again, she'll want to know that you're not disgusted by the changes in her body and this can bring in a new intament side for the two of you. As she gets larger, it may be an excuse to try out new positions, I know my SO surpised me with that yesterday morning :)

    Slow steps can take you a long way, just don't make her feel pressured or not good enough and who knows where it'll get you.
     
  15. FifthGear

    FifthGear -

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    sorry but whats FWB again :hs:
     
  16. xela

    xela So say we all!

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    FWB = Friend with Benefits.
     
  17. Natas

    Natas O&A Party Rock

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    I'm considered a joker and usually never taken anything serious, so what always worked for me was throwing something out there, then if I got negative reaction, I would just say "naaa, I'm just kidding" (unless you're gonna do it)

    but seriously, it doesn't hurt to talk, if you've been together that long, I can't imagine her getting upset with something on your mind. Communication is the key
     
  18. I just wanted to clarify that the no sex part hasn't just started with her being pregnant, I mean we don't really ever have sex much at all, and it's been that way for a like three or four years. No joke.

    Thanks for all your advice, i'll use it. Tornado, you sound exactly like my wife. She says basically the same things you say. Hearing it from someone else makes it seem valid somehow lol. You know how it is, you never think your SO is right :) I'll keep the house super clean from now on, and I like the calendar idea, although I worry that she'll look at it as pressure from me. Tornado, since you seem to think like my wife, what can I do tomake her feel special? She says for her that's the biggest thing missing. I love her, I always hug her, give her kisses when we she gets home, or if I haven't seen her, I kiss her on the way out, I hold her in my arms when we're sitting next to each other, I spoon her in the bed, for me that's how I show her I love her. I've told her that sex for me is also showing my love for her, and she says she understands all these things I do are to show my love, but that's my way, not her way. She wants me to do things like keep the house clean, like you said, but also other things, like she'll say, it sure would be nice if I had an appointment to get a pedicure. I'm a guy, I don't want to call the nail tech to schedule her a pedicure. I mean, what is women's vision of a romantic guy? That's what I really need to know. Is it bringing home flowers every day? Making dinner every day? Cleaning the house all the time? I know I'm not the most romantic guy in the world, but I can't be that far off can I? I don't really know what I'm doing wrong here, you tell me.

    Now as far as what I told her I wanted, we were having sex, and she was saying stuff like "don't you wish there was another girl here and we could all be fuckig right now?" She's had sex with other women, one who she was in a one year relationship with, but she says she's done with that. She had a fucked life growing up, both parents were alcoholics, total assholes, she had to raise herself. With that came all the self esteem issues, and she put on a lot of weight. She says that the lesbian relationships were just her trying to find herself, she thought she might have been gay at the time, but she's said she is straight, and always has been. When I met her I thought awesome, there's a threesome in my future, but she's always said no and she wont do it ever she said. She said she wont share me with anyone. So yeah, I want a threesome, but it won't kill me if it never happens. I also told her I want her to do me with a strap-on, she started that whole interest in me by sticking her finger in my ass whle blowing me once lol. That's never happened, although I think she'd do it if I went out and bought the strap-on. I've told her that I can't go buy it, I'm too embarrassed to walk up to a clerk and buy it. Yes I could buy it online, but then again, I'm scared of what her reaction will be when I say here honey, I bought a strap-on. Yes I'm too shy with my wife and I shouldn't be, I know. I told her once that I wanted to cum on her face after she blows me, she refused, said it was degrading, said it would never happen, I can see how women would find it degrading, but you can't let me do it a few times? I mean we're married for fuck's sake. Then when I asked her last time while we were fucking, that's when she said the thing about another chick being there, so I thought hey, she's horny, I can say anything. So I told her I wanted to fuck her in the ass, cum, then pull out and watch my cum squirt out her ass. Now we've had anal sex many times before, and she's let me cum in her ass, but then she always runs to the bathroom. You know guys are very visual, we want to see everything when it comes to sex, we're married, is it that horrible that she stay there on her hands and knees and let me see that? I don't think so, but a couple days later, we're chatting and she's like "Your idea about cumming in my ass and watching it, that's gross, I don't know where you get your ideas from, but that's not gonna happen." So I was like dude, we're married, what's the problem? And she said, well, yes we're married, but it's degradig to women, and why wouold you want to see that anyways, and I'll think about it, but it would have to be a very special occasion like your birthday or something and you would have to really earn it or something, be really nice to me, blah blah blah. I see her point, but again, we're married 10 years almost, what the fuck, she can't do that for me? Then the last thing I'd aked her, this was like 3 years ago though I think, we were having sex, I told her that I liked it so much when she plays with my ass that I had thought about having sex with another guy, and she was like really???!?!??!? Then we finished and neither one of us has ever said anything about it again. Now before you come in with "there's your problem, you're gay and married, you'll never be happy blah blah.... Let me assure you that I'm 100% straight. I am not, nor have I ever been attracted to any man. I'm very liberal in my thinking and to me there's a big difference between sexual orientation, and what gets you off. I believe you can have sex with anyone you want and it doesn't change who you are. What you like to do does not make you gay or straight, I hate it when people act like taking it in the ass makes you gay or something, it's just very ignorant in my opinion. I mean, if that's the case, doesn't jerking off make you gay too, since you're playing with cock? So I'm not worried about being gay living a straight life, so please don't come with that crap, you'll just be showing the world how ignorant you are.

    Anyhow, she's not skinny, not fat, but she's overweight, and so am I, I could stand to lose 40 pounds for sure. She's always felt self conscious about it and would never have sex with the lights on, or during the day in the past. She's gotten over it for the most part, but she still acts like it's an issue at times. Once we were having sex and I wanted to turn the lights on, she didn't want me to.

    These days, it's like I've given up. I don't expect to have sex, and I don't do anything to make it happen. I love her, and I'm very excited about the baby, can't wait, but sex has been a sore subject for us for a long time, like 3 years like I said at the top. It's as if she's never been that interested, like she's a anti-nymphomaniac or something. I don't know what I'm looking for from you people, validation I guess, that I'm not crazy. Thanks for the advice, please keep it coming, epecially tornado, it's like you and my wife share the same minds :rofl:
     
  19. AUshock

    AUshock Guest

    There's your first problem right there. Stop thinking about yourself for a minute and think about her. She's giving you hints about what she wants - get over your "embarrassment" or whatever and call the nail people. She wants to feel special - meaning she wants you to do something for HER without thinking about yourself all the time.
     
  20. Acesn8s

    Acesn8s The Deadman's Hand

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    Yes and No, I think. What threw me was where he mentioned that she said, " . . . but you'll have to earn it."

    Now in a D/S relationship, that's fine. For most people when sex is being traded like currency, there's something wrong going on.
     
  21. dnallivah

    dnallivah Guest

    You mention that she's uncomfortable with her body. Do the small things like make the nail appointments, etc. Make sure she gets out and does it instead of putting it off. Maybe get her a day/weekend at a spa somewhere just to be pampered silly.

    She'll feel amazing getting it done and be amazed at you for loving her so much that you wanted to pamper her.

    You also mention that she's a tad overweight, as you are. I'm not sure how intimate your sex life is anymore, but make sure you're not just putting your hands on her shoulders or to the side and grunting away.

    Touch her.
    Make her feel wanted. Sure the lights may be off, but when a man really touches me during intercourse, it brings a lot more sexuality into it then when we're just fucking for fun. Granted, fucking for fun is a blast, but it's not going to happen if she doesn't feel good enough. Nine years is a long time, and if you've lost that lustful spark that made you want to dive into her, that affects her as well. She just might not feel up to standards atm.
     
  22. woodchuck

    woodchuck Member

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    Dude, the women at the salon/spa/wherever....will think you are an A+ PIMP definatly no fears about making her an appointment. Besides, if you're that nevrous, just do it on the phone and pay in advance with your credit card. Nothing makes my woman happier than walking in, getting served like a princess, and not having to pay.

    Hell get her a hair appointment too, apply DEU's advice about dropping the sex subject completely in conjunction with this, and she'll be attacking you.

    Having gone through the pregnant wife thing 3 times, there are gonna be times when there's absolutly nothing you can do to her mood, but sometime in the seocnd trimester I believe, her hormones change again, and she'll get reall touchy/sexual.
     
  23. Tobe

    Tobe New Member

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    I have just a short post. My Wife, Mum, Aunty, Mums friends, Wifes friends, all call foreplay "doing the housework/dishes/ironing" . Thats gotta say something. Clean the house one day while shes out, and have dinner on the stove when she gets home, I know its a cliche but I really think that might help. Then just before you serve her dinner, say something along the lines of

    "Ive done all this today because I love you and think you are the most beautiful person I have ever met. I think you deserve a thank you for all the things you do for me."

    I have done this many times in different ways, and it makes it more about her, about love and closeness, and she may just feel comfortable enough with you to do some different things.

    So there goes my short post, hope this helps, and good luck my friend.
     
  24. Mike99TA

    Mike99TA I don't have anything clever to put here right now

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    I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in...

    Before my wife and I got married we took a couples course...one of the things they went over was the different types of affection:

    Words of Affirmation
    Physical Touch
    Together-time
    Acts of kindness

    Well, when we took the "test" to see what our type of affection was, I came out with "Physical touch" and "Words of affirmation" and my wife came out with "Acts of kindness" and "Together time".

    What this means is, when I want to show her I love her I typically want to tell her how beautiful she is, how much I love her, and kiss her and hug her and caress her. However she doesn't respond much to that, it's much more effective for her if I surprise her by cleaning the house, doing the dishes, making dinner, or just sitting on the couch with her talking and watching TV for a couple hours.

    If I don't pay close attention to how I'm showing mya ffection for her, I notice my sex life drops significantly - but when I spend more time with the right types of affection, I get laid more often and shes just much happier in general.

    Perhaps you need to sit down with your wife and figure out what type of affection both of you want or need. I would be willing to bet that you and your wife are in the same position as me and mine.
     
  25. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    awesome :bigthumb:
     

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