If your girlfriend had been raped

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Epiphany, Nov 1, 2005.

  1. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    If you started seeing this girl....

    Ok... lets just put it this way. I've started seeing this great guy. I've been seeing him about a month now and I'm crazy about him. Things are going slow which is great. We have not really gotten very physical much yet but I think we are starting to close in on that phase.

    I'm not quite sure if I should tell him about my past yet. I believe I was drugged and I was raped twice one night after I turned 20 about 5 1/2 years ago. There have been a lot of rough edges I've had to get through but I'm doing a lot better with it and handle it better than I used to. I haven't decided whether it's something I should just try and let go of and not tell him or if I should tell him. I'm afraid it's going to leave a lot of questions that I can't really understand and answer.

    There is a strong possiblility he may know this person who did it and always a chance we could run into him since I have seen him around before and he has tried to approach me which flips me out. He's the type of guy no one would ever think would have ever done that kind of thing... and his father is also a cop.

    I really don't know if it's better to tell him or not.

    If it were your girl... would you want to know?
     
  2. critter783

    critter783 OT Supporter

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    I would absolutely want to know, so I could put a stop to him approaching you and victimizing you again and again, which is what he is doing when he stops you to talk. Remember, rape isn't about sex; its about control. Telling a boyfriend, who, from what you've said, sounds like a decent guy, could put a stop to that and make it easier for you to come to terms with what happened to you.

    Just do one thing when you tell him ( if you decide to). Explain it to him in the context that you don't want your attacker talking to you anymore. The only reason I say this is because I know how I would react if a girl I was dating told me about being raped. I'd probably go ballistic. But, putting it in the light that you'd like to stop being harrassed by your attacker and asking your bf to help you handle it in a civilized way would do a lot to curb any anger he has, and possibly channel it into something positive for you, your bf, and your relationship in general.
     
  3. RockChick

    RockChick New Member

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    in general... did you ever tell anyone about that night? the police? your family?
     
  4. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    It wouldn't be the first thing I'd mention, but if the relationship was to get more serious yes I would tell him.
    It obviously still affects you.
     
  5. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    :werd: not to mention, if someone was raped there's always the possibility of having picked up an STD that is just laying dormant and undetected. I'd want to know abou that and understand the calculated risk beforehand.
     
  6. Mikey

    Mikey This one, this form I hold now, so Wide eyed and h

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    Tell him. Otherwise you might see the guy and start flipping out or acting weird and your boyfriend won't know what's up. I know from experience and was glad I was told. Initially it may freak him out, but in the long run it will be better for him to know.
     
  7. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    I did go to the hospital two days after because I was scared shitless that I was going to get pregnant. I had stopped taking my birth control after my bf and I split. I guess part of what freaked me out also was that his father is a detective. I was afraid of everything getting twisted and drawn out. I didn't want people looking at me differently or to think that I was lying.

    I did kiss him and despite the fact that I told him I didn't want anything physical a lot of people saw me kiss him and hold hands with him most of the night. I was only 20. I've tried to rationalize it in my head and think I was only 102 lbs... I really had nothing to eat all day... it's possible that the one drink had knocked me out that much since I hadn't been drinking much at the time at all.... but the older I get... the more I believe that he really did drug me. This wasn't normal. I couldn't move so much as my arm or finger. I couldn't even make any noise at all. He pulled me up by my arms and dropped me. I fell back and hit my head on the wall and couldn't even yell or move myself. He also lived in one of the biggest party university towns in America.

    I know this is long but here is for the most part what happened:

    He was 6 years older than me. I had known him for about 3 years and hadn't seen him in awhile. I had just broken up with my boyfriend and was still having a pretty hard time dealing with that since it was a long relationship. He was helping with a lot of that... Not because I wanted a relationship with him but because he was there and was someone to talk to. I had liked him a lot a couple years prior when I worked and hung out with him but he had a girlfriend. He was aware of this and I respected their relationship although he had told me back then he had feelings for me too. We just decided that it was best that we went our separate ways which I thought was only right.

    So a few years ago I called him to see how he was after I had heard of a wedding of a friend we both knew. I wanted to see how he was. Both of us were single. We decided to go to to the wedding together. He came in town... we went to the wedding. We did kiss but I made it point to make it extremely and thoroughly clear to him that I wasn't over my boyfriend (a 3 year relationship) and I wasn't in any place where I was ready to sleep with anyone else let alone throw myself head first into a relationship ...and he got really quiet for the rest of the reception...and the car ride....

    He ended up drinking a lot at the reception. I drove to my apartment where he and his friends had parked and we all went in. My roommate was there along with a few other friends of mine. So it turned into kind of an after party and he started to come around and be not so crappy.

    My date ended up sobering up a bit and got out a bottle of wine he had brought to town with him. He poured me a glass..ONE glass...while he was in the kitchen with his friend. I had never had wine before. They were the only ones in the kitchen. I tend to react oddly to a lot of different alcohols. I was only 102 lbs at the time. After I had started drinking and got about 3/4ths of the glass finished. I started feeling kind of sleepy which wasn't abnormal when I'm drinking but it was hitting me a little harder than normal for the amount I was drinking. He began to re-fill my glass and before I had gotten 1/4 of that down... I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I couldn't do anything. No noise.

    I could hear everything. I remember everything. I remember a lot of people leaving, thinking it was odd I had already passed out after a glass of wine but that I must have been tired and I hadn't passed out! I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Why I couldn't move or talk. I felt heavy. The music was loud and people were still there. He carried me upstairs and he took my clothes off. The entire time he apologized, saying he knew he shouldn't be doing what he was doing. He got dressed. Went down stairs talked to his friend and my roommate and came back up and did it again. Still apologizing...

    In the morning I was lathargic. I had crawled to the bathroom and I threw up everywhere. I was so sick and I just fell asleep on the floor. I still had no clothes on. He came in and found me on the floor, cleaned up the mess and picked me up and carried me back in my bedroom before my roommate came out. He kept me in there for half the day rambling. I asked him what happened and he told me "nothing". He told me that he loved me and waited for me.

    I started feeling stronger and just told him that I had to leave. My brother had his graduation party and I left him there in my apartment. I called my roommate to make sure he left. He stalked me for about 3 weeks until my roommate threatened to call the police on him since I was screening all our calls and wouldn't leave the apartment aside from work anymore.

    The first day after... I went to work. He started calling me in the morning before I left for work and I didn't answer. I left my phone at home so I wouldn't have to deal with the thought of him calling me all day having to regurgitate that over and over...not that it helped. By the time I got home 8 hours later he had called just my cell phone 18 times and left message after message on my home machine. This continued for 3 weeks... I saw him drive by my apartment on the weekends. My roommate threatened to call the police and that was pretty much the end of it. (His father is a detective downtown.) So I haven't heard from him but I've seen him a couple times and he tries to get to me but I get away before he gets the chance.

    At this point...I've come a long way. I have had a lot of low points since that day. I came close to killling myself but that was awhile back and I'm a whole lot healthier now. I still remember it everyday and sometimes are harder than others but after 5 years the nightmares don't come all that often anymore. Although it's changed the way I live, it doesn't for the most part, rule over my life anymore. The days are easier and I am happy again. I worry about seeing him again to the point I don't go out much incase he is in town. I think people get bored with me because I don't like to go out and party all the time but it's hard to understand what you don't know. Luckily I think this guy is a bit that way although I know he's had a drinking problem in the past. I experienced him drinking a little more than what I was comfortable with last weekend at a party but...that could just be me.

    My roommate apparently felt that it was easier for her to not deal with at all. From what my other friend said she felt responsible and the best thing she could think to do was ditch me 4 weeks after this all happened. We didn't fight or argue at all. She just moved out and wouldn't talk to me anymore. And my friends defended her saying, "don't you think she had her own things she was dealing with because of all that?!" I couldn't believe that they thought that I was supposed to just accept and excuse that as if what she delt with was so much worse. I pretty much lost all my friends I thought would always be there for me. Not only did I have to live with it... I had to do it alone.

    My mom found out and blamed me. She didn't talk to me for two months. My cousin was kind of there for me through it although I found out a year ago that she had gone to bars where he was serving and she had actually allowed him to serve her and her mom. Shot the shit with him. I guess this has happened more than once. I think that hurts more than anything. Needless to say I have issues with trust among other things.

    I don't sleep around but I've noticed over the last couple years my sex drive has gone through the roof. I also tend to like being put in overpowered positions which doesn't make sense and I kind of like a small amount of pain. I don't know how this could be normal for a rape victim...and it kind of scares me that I like it. I feel like he won't understand it and question it. I don't feel like it's unhealthy but I just worry that he won't understand it. Hell I don't!
     
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2005
  8. Improvolone

    Improvolone New Member

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    It depends on how you feel about it.
    My SO was raped a few years ago. I found out about this early in the relationship. I know it happens, I know people who've been victims, it's not like I look at her differently.
     
  9. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    I guess a lot of my worries are an abandonment thing. Everyone in my life who has found out about it has pretty much ditched out on me once they found out. I'm just afraid it will with him. Right now he sees me as a strong person. I don't want him to look at me as a broken person or see me any differently... I'm afriad things will change.
     
  10. Pringles

    Pringles New Member

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    In all means from what I have experienced is yes you should tell him/her. But dont do it the night of sex and hes about to put it in and you go I WAS RAPED! Maybe when your having a deep talking say theres something I wanna tell you blah blah blah.
     
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2005
  11. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    And she'd be better off.
    You actually helped more than you probably even care to know.
     
  12. Soulfire

    Soulfire No Pain, No Gain

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    Tell him. Please. For god sakes stop playing the helpless victim game and start asserting yourself.
     
  13. purplebeast

    purplebeast The depths of hell and endless torture await all h

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    Never been in that situation (THANKFULLY!!). But it is my humble opinion that it would be a lose-lose no matter what.

    If my SO told me she got raped and I wasnt in love with her, I would probably dump her.

    If she didnt tell me, and I found out thru someone else. I would definately dump her.

    If she told me, and I loved her. I would do something horrible to the guy and probably end up arrested. A beating wouldnt be enough, I would probably sodomise his bitch ass with a broom.
     
  14. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    Forget it. Feel free to close/delete this thread.
     
  15. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    It's going to freak him out if you tell him. The problem is that he doesn't know you well enough right now. I'd wait a few years. If you tell him a huge secret right away in the back of his mind he's going to be thinking "ok what other problems does she have?" It's not evil, it's natural. All people do it. It's because if you can tell him this when you hardly know him, there's got to be bigger things for him to learn about down the road.

    Don't put the burden on him. It's your problem right now and should not be his. He's going to want to feel like you trust him more than others. If you tell him this in just a month, it's pretty much saying that you'd probably tell any guy other guy this in a month of dating.

    Love and trust take longer than a month to develop. Just because he might not respond positively doesn't mean that he's not capable of loving you. You might feel better about it after telling him but you'll make him feel like shit as well. He's going to want to kick this guy's ass and believe me if he's the angry or jealous type those feelings can be with him every single hour of every day until he does something about it.
     
  16. [DWI]

    [DWI] Master of Nothing

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    Its a relationship and if I were in shoes, I would want to know, as hard as it is for a guy to hear that about some one they care about, it is part of who you are and part of how you react to things. Not to mention if he truely cares about you he will want to know. As for it being someone he might know, well he might find out later or he can find out now in a situation that you can control somewhat. I will tell you that if he knows the person, there is going to be a problem, he's going to have conflicting views of this person, the person he has known and the person that you describe to him and they are goingto clashin his head.

    cliffs: tell him
     
  17. Mojo

    Mojo New Member

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    in a few more months, id tell him. i would personally want to know if my gf/ex or anyone i know who got raped and serve that bastard.

    on the bf side, i would look at any woman differently if she were raped. i guess its just how i am.


    i also hope you notified the police/parents or w.e about this issue. its serious and guys like him need their penis chopped off...seriously
     
  18. Improvolone

    Improvolone New Member

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    I found the time she told me to be a good experience because it allowed us to get closer, and for us to be very open with ourselves.
    Why would you dump her if she told you?
    If it is in the past, how does physical violation of him make anything better?
     
  19. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Again it depends on the guy. If I knew someone and thought of them as strong, and then found out they'd been raped, I would look at them as STRONGER, because I've seen girls who are victims and I know how hard it can be to overcome it and even appear strong by any means.

    Honestly, I have to give you much respect for that. :bigthumb:
     
  20. islanderman7

    islanderman7 New Member

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    tell him. and you should get that rape issue squared away. Do not be afraid, there is help out there.
     
  21. purplebeast

    purplebeast The depths of hell and endless torture await all h

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    I just dont think I could respect someone that got raped. Most girls that I know that say have been raped. kind of put them selves in that situation. One my ex GF's best friend was all upset cuz she had been "raped".

    Turned out she took X and drank with two guys she had just met in the beach earlier that day. She claims they started to touch her and she was too wasted to say no. She says she wasnt expecting them to be do that.

    Well no shit sherlock!! Two strange guys offer to get a pretty girl wasted for free, what the fuck do you expect? A god damn cooking and a hug?
     
  22. rpmorri

    rpmorri So many idiots...not enough bullets

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    Reading this, you most likely were under the effects of rohypnol, better known as the date rape drug. Those are classic symptoms.

    As far as telling him, if you're moving toward serious, yeah, he needs to know. He might freak, he might not, but if he's gonna run, you deserve better anyway.
     
  23. CrimsonVonDoom

    CrimsonVonDoom There Cannot be Two Skies OT Supporter

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    that follows the same logic as "i left my keys in my car, so it's entirely my fault that it got stolen." sure, there are smarter moves to make, but it's NEVER the victim's fault: it's the criminal's fault.
     
  24. purplebeast

    purplebeast The depths of hell and endless torture await all h

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    Ok. Let me try to reword my statement. Lets take for instance the example you gave about the car.

    Yes, the people that steal your car are low lifes that comitted a crime and it is their fault your car got stolen. But that dosent make you any less of a moron for leaving your keys in the car.

    In a perfect world we could afford to be careless w/o someone taking advantage of our mistakes. But guess what? We dont live in a perfect world!!!!!!!!!!

    You ever heard the story of the good samaritan and the Scopion?

    A person was walking about when he saw a Scorpion drowning.
    He reached for the scorpion and the scorpion stinged him.
    Yet, he tried again. And he got stung again.
    This went on until the samaritan was so full of venom that he died.
    When he got to heaven, he told god that he didnt understand why the scorpion refused to be saved.
    God told him that it was in the Scorpion's nature to sting when aproached, thus he should have used a stick instead of his hand.

    If you can understand that story. Then you know how I meant my previous post. If you dont understand it. Well, then Im not sure we have much to talk about anyways.
     
  25. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    Let's put it this way. Say you go to a random party and have some beers with guys you just met who seem really cool. You completely black ou and wake up the next morning naked with a guy spooning you. You'd feel pretty violated, no?
     

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