SRS I was raped and I need someone to listen

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by MysticMage, Feb 8, 2005.

  1. MysticMage

    MysticMage Guest

    when i was four or five years old i was molested by my babysitter and used for a kiddie porn ring. i've never gotten over it. i thought i did for a vary long time, it seemed like i did..then last year i was raped by my cousin and all of the terriable memories came flooding back. i have trouble showing or recieving affection from those whom i love and sex is dirty to me and it scares me. i know it's not supose to be this way. i know sex is supose to be a beautiful thing but those people ruined it for me. all i feel anymore is hate and anger and i have problems controling it. i feel like a worthless piece of meat, not human and a monster.

    i've tried to make things better, even went to counsiling for a while but nothing ever seem to get better, i'm constantly pleaged by these sick memories. and anger mamagement just made me angrier. i don't know what else to do. i feel lost, scared, and completely alone. some one please give me advice and HELP ME!:wtc:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2005
  2. Dos Equis4

    Dos Equis4 nebraska democrat (oxymoron?)

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    I don't get mad, i get even.

    Move out of Arkansas.
     
  3. I posted this in response to your post in another thread:

    I think when someone has been abused the way in which you have, that everyone - the good and the evil - will seem unacceptable. It's a process of moving from seeing objective outsiders as apart of the very group that you feel is going to doom you and finding a place inside yourself where you feel ready to take a risk with one of those objective outsiders.

    And objective outsider would be a specialist who deals with abuse and who you feel strongly enough that you're willing to stick with them even when the therapy is painful, challenging or seemingly unhelpful at various points. Ultimately improvements come but they never come in your time.

    Counseling is probably the most suitable place for someone who has been where you've been. I've been abused severely too - but I don't know your experience; I know only my own. I was highly resistant to all variants of recovery for many years - but it was the abuse that led to those defensive feelings and caused me to push others away. I felt I had to do it alone and that everyone else was stupid and incapable of helping me. I also often felt they were incompetent, especially the counselors, and so I would leave them, even if what they were doing was working.

    Another powerful defense I used was that I'd claim the counselors didn't really care about me and only listened long enough so they could collect my money. Truth is, that "is" the truth..at least part of the truth. That is their job! However, I learned much later that counselors have a far more complex job than simply sitting and listening and collecting money. The good ones do care and *do* make a living out of it at the same time. They guide based on all the training they've had and all the clinical experience they've acquired in order that they can help me move through the complex emotions and painful events that I'd experienced. Psychologists and Social Workers train extensively in learning the patterns of illness, dysfunction and disorder that lead to the very things I was suffering from, and I was a fool thinking my problem was somehow beyond all human comprehension when I was reflecting the very patterns quite obviously. I was a very ignorant individual, and I thought I was so smart - but I was only too smart for my own good. Creating walls to justify avoiding help based on limited information that ended up being wrong.

    In the end however I always kept going back to someone. It is true that it must get much worse before it gets better when it comes to recovering from abuse. A healing crisis must take place as old memories, patterns and wounds are examined, opened, cleaned, prepared and re organized so they can close and be made new again. Much like a surgical procedure. Only the process of the mind is not so straight forward or as quick. Eventually the walls broke down, and many of the negative qualities began to be resolved. I was abused from birth until age 9 and I've now been in therapy for 20 years.

    Maybe this will be of value to you.
     
  4. It's ok to be angry. It's also ok to lose control in a controlled environment. It is the not expressing of feelings which is generating further pain ontop of the prior experiences you've already had. It is not uncommon for someone who has been raped and hurt like you to refrain from expressing feelings because on another level the victim of such abuse doesn't think they have a right to feel.

    You clearly align with that pattern because you said you felt like a "worthless piece of meat" and a worthless piece of meat would not be expected to be allowed to express anything of value including feelings.

    If you can express some anger in a setting that is protected you might continue moving again in the process of your recovery. I believe I have two good places where you'll be safe to do such.

    I have a recommention for you that is critical: Rape counseling is specifically when I believe you need, not just regular counseling. There are specialists who deal with rape and many of the situations which precede it and procede it. I also believe that attending rape support [A rape support group] will be important at some point in this process of recovery. You want to heal all at once today and I wish you could - but that won't happen. It will take courage and time and support. Rape Counseling combined with Group [they are often done together by the same specialist] will be of value if you stick it out and listen carefully. Your first impulse will be to run - so don't.
     
  5. If you aren't ready to do any of these things I've put forth - that's ok. If you simply "can't" that's ok too. In my posting I am listening, while also sharing my experience. I hear you very clearly and realize the incredibly frustration, pain and depth to how severely you've been traumatized and I realize it's had a profound affect on your world, your view of sex, your view of yourself, and on your relationships.
     
  6. MysticMage

    MysticMage Guest

    thank you so much for listening to me and giving me advice. i have to think really hard about the alternatives you have giving me.

    because you are right i can't do this alone and i can't keep destroying my self with cutting and drinking and smoking pot to make the pain go away. those are some of the things i do to escape and get away from my past. i've been a cutter for about four years now. i realized i had a problem when at a party i drank guite a bit of rum and cut open my wrist, the cut was bad and deep. i also smoke weed and drink alot because i didn't know any other way of dealing with all of this...that is untill you listened and heard me.

    thank you so much.
     
  7. As you walk through this process we'll be here for you to the best of each of our abilities.
     
  8. Juggernaut

    Juggernaut Guest


    its understandable for you to be upset, but you need to speak with a professional about this and maybe even seek legal recourse ( if you havent already) against those that hurt you. Honestly if you haven't done antyhing against them ,put them in jail. Noone deserves to commit such a crime and go free. :hs:


    On a side note, what is the deal with your interests in your profile?

    for someone that is terrified of sex, etc as you say, shouldnt some of those listed be a cause for more pain and anguish?
     
  9. tigerlily

    tigerlily Spoiled brat.

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    Check your pm's MysticMage. :hug:
     
  10. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

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    I really think you need to see a specialist in rape/post traumatic stress disorders... what happened is extremely serious and traumatizing and you need to work those issues out with a professional.

    I won't lie.. it'll probably take a lot of counseling and anti-depressants to fix you up right.
     
  11. MysticMage

    MysticMage Guest

    well i don't do those things as in sex. i am a satomasachist. i feel better if i can dominate because then i have the control and i don't have to do what i don't want to do.

    has nothing to do with sex....i do these things to feel more secure when me and my parner are makingout. we haven't had sex and i don't know if i'll ever be able to take it to that level.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2005
  12. MysticMage

    MysticMage Guest

    i''m to afraid to do anything legal about these things...so i never did and now it's too late.

    i don't want to because of the fear i feel.
     
  13. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    Actually, you might wanna double check. If I remember correctly from a few law classes I took back in the day, the statute of limitations for harm done to a child begins when the child (after becoming an adult) realizes he/she was harmed and has rights to take legal action. I don't think it would hurt to consult with an attorney and see if there are any remedies available.
     
  14. MysticMage

    MysticMage Guest

    i can't..i just can't. i don't want to see those people ever again or testify
     
  15. Then for today, you don't have to do it.
     
  16. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    The people that abused you have moved on to new younger victims, they are in the process of messing up many more lives. However, I have to think of the deep pain and suffering they've inflicted on you. People like this make evil a real concept in this life. Still, the day will come that they will give an account to God for what they have done.

    www.ginkworld.net
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2005
  17. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    In special circumstances they won't make you do it...or they would take a depositon, which is a meeting with attorneys who will ask you questions. a court reporter records it and in many cases they use the transcript as testimony, instead of calling witnesses to the stand. This is typically done when a case has a large number of witnesses as well.

    Like Dave said, those people are out there messing up others' lives.
     

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