I want to help her, but how?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by FrozenSTi, Jan 8, 2007.

  1. FrozenSTi

    FrozenSTi This site WILL get me in trouble......

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    I personally like my gf to have meat on her bones. She is a tall woman, and she has the frame for it. She has had a couple kids (6 and 11) and still carries some of that extra weight from it. And I was perfectly fine with that. Fell in love with her at that size.
    BUT, she has gained maybe 20 lbs in the last few months. It's really effecting her self confidence (can't get in her old clothes and the like) and she is afraid that I'm going to "love her less" and find her less attractive. MY problem is that I want her to lose the weight. I want to be supporting about her weight lose, but it's really difficult since her self confidence is in the crapper. Everything I say to her has the potential to get twisted around into me "thinking" that she is too fat.
    Am I screwed here? Will I have to just keep my mouth shut and only help her by eating her salads?
     
  2. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    How often do you go out? If not often, then if I were you, I would - believe it or not - take her out more often. Give her a reason to look good (for you while in public). Do it without saying anything more than "We need to get out more often." If she knows she is going to have to go out more often she will initially be upset (about not fitting into her clothes) but with any luck will rise to the challenge.

    People often eat and gain weight when they are bored. Make it a point to do more things with her. Even walking the dogs can be something, you know? :big grin:
     
  3. FrozenSTi

    FrozenSTi This site WILL get me in trouble......

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    That's not a bad idea, makes sense. I'll try it, but Sunday afternoons are mine till NFL is done!:x:

    Anything else guys?
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Do you guys live together?

    I ask that because if you do you should try to make a conscious effort to go grocery shopping with her. While you're there you could talk about eating better, maybe by saying you know she wants to lose some weight and that you could always eat better with her as well so it didn't seem so bad. Pick out good foods you both enjoy, etc.

    If not, then I don't know. It's kind of hard to get someone else to start some sort of diet without drive or push from another.
     
  5. mrchina

    mrchina Guest

    Why not join the gym together. That way you guys have someone to work out with and you can push each other? Or go on walks in the park together, or go ice skating (WHERE IS THE SNOW?!)....

    There are a lot of ways to do it.
     
  6. Carpet Liquor

    Carpet Liquor New Member

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    That is a good suggestion, along with this one:

    Other than that on a verbal context, yep, you're screwed.

    If a woman is already thinking low of herself then anything that can be twisted into something demeaning no matter how tender you try and deliver it, will get twisted, and unfortuantly have quite the opposite effect that you are looking for. In most cases, when these twsists happen, the woman will then turn to comfort food and gain weight on a constant downward spiral, it's sad.

    For the most part people will only do something about things this, being thier weight when they have found a personal reason to do so. Something that will drive them, and that reason will never be, because "he/she wants me to look better", It has to be "Because I want to look better". ;)
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2007
  7. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    With all due respect, unless she has specifically asked for you to be her "personal trainer" and discuss what she is going to eat, or to go to a gym, I'd avoid it. That is a sure-fire way to make things worse.

    My personal opinion is - as harsh as it may seem - that women gain weight when they are bored with their man. This is not something SHE needs to fix, but *possibly* something YOU need to fix.

    NFL sundays? Shit, dude, go buy a fucking Tivo for $20 at Best Buy and record it, and take her out instead. Go on a drive to nowhere, go on a picnic, go to a free museum, go have some drinks, go to a new restaurant, meet some friends for appetizers, whatever. The point is that when you are sitting their watching football, unless she's a football fan she's BORED.

    You have to make her WANT to be thin for *YOU* because you're fun to be with.

    That's my take on it.
     
  8. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    so youre perfectly ok with how she is now? doesnt sound like it, so, truth is, she is too fat for your liking. as stated, break the old boring routine and if you live/shop together buy healthier stuff for her to munch on.

    and you shouldnt have to eat salads when shes the fat one. :o
     
  9. FrozenSTi

    FrozenSTi This site WILL get me in trouble......

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    Yes, we live together, and we do shop together. We make our healthy choices as much as possible while we are in the store, but she does tend to cheat a bit. Going out for lunch and the occasional dinner, the innocent chocolate "fix" and making cookies "for the kids". This is where the problem really lies with me. How does one say "No, I don't think you need that chocolate, try this tofu bar" without getting the "You're saying I'm fat?! Thanks alot! Don't you think I'm trying?".
    What a pain, it would be so much easier if I gained the weight. Then I could deal with it.
     
  10. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    1. If she ever asks if you think she is fat, you reply with "I don't answer loaded questions."

    2. She "cheats" because she's stuck in front of food. Get out of the house.

    3. Pre-made foods are easy to eat. If you want cookies, make them from scratch. Not only are they healthier for you, it takes time and effort to make them. Cravings for cookies go away when you have to spend an hour making them. Buy the ingredients, not the pre-made things basically.

    4. When you go out, take her places where she HAS to dress up. Tell her you want her to meet some friends, and you want her to look her best for you so you look good. If you start doing this more often, she may live up to the challenge.

    5. Always compliment her when she dresses up, by saying something nuetral like "You look GREAT tonight." or "I love it when you dress up for me." Nothing more.

    6. Speak to the goals, not the problems. Never say "I think you've had enough cookies" but rather "Hey, you look thinner today. I can tell. It looks great." She'll deny it, just brush it off. People often live up to what we are told.

    So what do you guys fight about? I think this is more than a weight issue, personally.
     
  11. FrozenSTi

    FrozenSTi This site WILL get me in trouble......

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    Well, yes it does both me somewhat. That's why I posted. The reason it bothers me is while she has the extra weight, her self confidence is in the crapper and our relationship is really stressed because of it. I'm always on eggshells because of it.
     
  12. FrozenSTi

    FrozenSTi This site WILL get me in trouble......

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    No fight, actually we haven't had a fight for quite awhile. But I think it's a big YET. Again it's an eggshell thing.

    Thanks for all the info. Keep it coming, even the critisim(sp?), my skin is tough.
     
  13. FrozenSTi

    FrozenSTi This site WILL get me in trouble......

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    TRUTH!!
    This I know. Thank you for putting fears in persective.
     
  14. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Here's the problem. Eggshells. You should NEVER be on eggshells. This means you are AVOIDING a fight, and that's a big problem. I'm not saying call her names or start taking swings, but you need to fucking TALK about this! Your inability to communicate with her everything that is going on is the problem.

    This is huge.

    The surface problems are never the real problems. Her weight is not the problem. The lack of communication is probably 5% of the problem. There are probably 9 other problems you need to start figuring out, and until you start talking to her you will never know. And let me suggest - nay, require - you to start talking to her and then when you are on a topic, you need to say "No, you know what, that's not the problem. I don't know what it is, but I can just FEEL it. Something else is wrong. Something else is going on. Let's keep talking until we get somewhere and figure this out."

    You need to be HONEST with her and tell her, flat out, this whole weight issue is a PROBLEM. Something like "Hey, you know what, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around here, for fear of upsetting you. And you know what, I respect your feelings, but this is crazy. We can't hide this stuff like little kids who stole a candy. We are ADULTS, and we need to talk this out. And we are going to talk about this every day until we come up with a solution and better understand each other." You MUST let her know that you MUST have her cooperation and that you MUST get this resolved. You MUST have the backbone to take charge and handle this.

    Now here's an example from two days ago (Sunday) in my life:

    Donna was mad at me, and did not talk to me the whole day. When we go into it, she leveled all sorts of accusations at me: I ignored her, I loved the dogs more than her, we were broke, etc., etc. All sorts of BS. In the end, 5 hours of talking later, we realized that (1) we enjoy going out and need to do it more often and (2) [this is huge] that she felt like the house we are in was not her "home." She felt like she could not make any changes to anything, and was basically just a roommate. End the end the solution was that she realized she felt like she did not have any authority to do anything, and was trapped. The solution was to let her take over one of the rooms and make it hers, her art room, etc. A day later it was nearly done.

    What did her initial complaints have to do with the final solution? NOTHING. That's my point. Until you get past all the BS she is saying, you will never know the real reason why she is not staying thin for you.
     
  15. FrozenSTi

    FrozenSTi This site WILL get me in trouble......

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    ^^^ good stuff Poco. I'll see what happens.

    Thanx again, everyone. I'll update when the time is right.

    Anyone else, feel free to comment.
     
  16. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Do you exercise together? If not then you should start.
     
  17. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    See, this totally misses the point, and is often why so many people have problems.

    Telling her "Let's join a gym" when you can't talk about things is completely missing the point. COMPLETELY. It's going to make things worse.

    It's like having someone saying to you "My car has a flat tire" and you say "Drive it slower." You don't know what the problem is, but instead tell the person to keep driving it into the ground? Yeah, she's going to go find a guy who knows how to fix things. :sadwavey:
     
  18. Chris90210

    Chris90210 New Member

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    In your kitchen have the kids cabinets separate from your own. That way when she is getting food for the kids she will be dealing with kids not herself but when she wants to get a snack she gets it from your cabinet that has more health smart choices. Do not leave food sitting out where it can be grabbed (like cookies on the table or candies/nuts on the coffee table. Other than that remember Poco's words they are worth their weight in gold.
     
  19. mrchina

    mrchina Guest

    Maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship if you can't honestly express feelings?

    This is what we call dancing around the issue.

    Edit: I know you're trying to find the root of the issue Poco, but man short term they both could get healthy working her issues out. And if you can't say "we should hit the gym" with out her being offended then why would you be in a relationship?
     
  20. Injected1

    Injected1 New Member

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    Do like Poco said.. Take her out where she's having fun and seen.. Get her in a positive state of mind..

    YOU could start eating healthy, get a gym membership, and working out. Most of the time, she will she results (be it weight loss if any's there to lose, an increase in muscle mass, and overall more healthy look) in you and get motivated. This would also allow you to spend time together once she takes up "your" lifestyle and may WANT to come to the gym with you. Works for me.

    That takes the focus off "her problem" and gives her the option to see what works without any pressure on herself.
     
  21. Chris90210

    Chris90210 New Member

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    No what I am offering is what needs to be done after they get the problem sorted out because when they do get this sorted out she will still need to loose the weight(if that is one of her goals).
     
  22. fray

    fray New Member

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    Since she has noticed that she thinks she is fat, assuming she is not just saying it because she's hoping you'll tell her she's not and is just looking for reassurance, you might be okay suggesting the gym if you do it subtley. Like next time she complains, you could say, "do you think you'd feel better if you were working out? I'd go with you if you want." (not, "you should go to the gym").
     
  23. armond

    armond New Member

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    Poco is right, do not walk on eggshells. Me and my g/f tell eachother anything that is on eachother's mind. Initially you are going to get a negative reaction, but if it is understood that if nothing was said it would get worse then you have already made a huge step.

    eventually, like with me and Sue, it has gotten to the point where we know neither of us is intentionally trying to hurt the other, so we do our best to hear the other our before any type of negative response.
     
  24. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    No it doesn't miss the point. Where did I say that they should join a gym? :uh: He can't change her eating habits but he can change what kind of lifestyle they live. A lot of couples spend their time together sitting on their asses and watching tv all night, which of course will lead to them getting fat. If they live a more active lifestyle then she can have a not so perfect diet and still be in decent shape. She has kids so that's a very easy way for them to exercise without it seeming so much like work. They can go for walks, go to the park, ride bikes, play in the snow, go swimming, play ball, etc. That way the whole family is having fun and they are all getting a workout. If she already feels horrible about gaining weight then telling her what a problem it is is just going to make her feel worse.
     
  25. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    That was the point I was making. :big grin: However, he also needs to discuss the REAL issues that are not being talked about.
     

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