SRS I want to have a "talk" with my father..

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Diesel Fumes, Jan 20, 2006.

  1. Diesel Fumes

    Diesel Fumes Guest

    My father and I have never had a great relationship. We have always been on speaking terms and we have never been genuinely mad at each other. We have had our moments, but it usually faded away after a day or two and things were back to normal. But I can sense something when I talk to him. Almost as though he is worried about me or feels he did a bad job raising me or something? I'm about to move out of town here in about 2-3 weeks and I don't want to leave without dealing with this first.

    I want to be able to sit him down and just tell him that I love my life. I want to tell him to stop worrying about me and focus on his own life. I want to tell him how good of a job he did of raising me. I want to tell him that I love him and I thank him for everything he has ever done for me. But I just don't know how. My life is pretty much controlled by social anxiety and it's quite pathetic that it controls me to the point where I can't even talk openly with my own parents.

    How do I do this? I've thought about asking him to come for coffee with me, but chances are I'll get overly emotional like I usually do in such situations. I can never seem to raise the issue over a lunch conversation. THose are usually limited to him complaining about his day at work. I have considered just not talking to him about it, but I feel then that its like a balloon thats being over inflated waiting to explode. I just don't know what to do.

    My mom is cool even though we don't have an open relationship. We love each other and all, but she is too tied up in her own life to really be overly concerned with myself. SOmetimes she will get really nosey into my friends' business, but eh, shes my mother, she does some weird things. Like all mothers.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Best thing is to choose a moment in the evening where only you and him are sitting behind and watching television, then go something like 'well dad its time for me to move out isn't it? He will react probably with a question, that's the moment that you spit out all that what you wanted to say. Be on speaking terms but DO tell all what you want to say. Don't worry about emotional expressions, your his son so thats perfectly allowed. My mother always said ' you have a mouth in the middle i suggest you use it'. lol , so just have a talk with your dad , just give it a try your dad won't bite or kill you so learn to cast away your fears and have a nice convo with your dad.
     
  3. MapleLeaf

    MapleLeaf New Member

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    If you are unable to express the words to him verbally, write him a letter (not typed), go for coffee with him and hand him the letter and tell him that you are not good with words but wanted him to know what was on your heart before you moved out.

    That will open the door greatly. In some respects he will treasure it even more, after you have moved out, he will keep that letter and I don't doubt he will look back on it for many years.
     
  4. Diesel Fumes

    Diesel Fumes Guest

    I had actually thought of this but thought it was too far fetched of an idea. THank you for expressing it the way you did, it makes this idea plausible. I would still be a bit nervous about this. What if I just sent him a letter in the mail after I have moved? Would that look bad on my part to him?
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    If you can't speak it, show it. Arrange an activity for you and your dad. Some personal bonding time.

    I am thinking of (for example) a hunting trip, just the two of you. Father and son. Your treat. The old man rules, and you are going to do something nice for him.

    I know how it is between father and son, sometimes you can't always express what you might feel.

    And if your dad isn't the mushy stuff, and gets uncomfortable talking about "feelings" and you insist on spilling your guts out to him in a breathy gushy soliloquy....then are you really doing it for HIM...? Or for yourself, so you can feel like a good son?


    So how about you express it in a way your dad will appreciate.
    If you don't want to leave your mom out of it, why not send the family on a cruise?


    So how about this scenario:

    Maybe after that 10th lobster and steak dinner, you and dad can have a stroll out by the promenade deck, feeling the warm mediterranean sea air float past. You blaze up a fat Cohiba, and another one for your old man.

    That's when you say "hey dad, remember that time when I was 10 and you did XYZ for me? I forgot to say thanks for that."
    (XYZ = your choice. Taught me how to play baseball. or ride a bike. Or shoot a gun. or whatever)

    Most dads I know are pretty smart, will know exactly what you REALLY meant by that. And your dad might say something like..." heh heh, you're a good kid. And I don't even remember doing that anyways..."

    But secretly...he does.

    And then you both keep puffing away at your Cohibas, and staring out at the night sky.

    And everyone's happy.
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Yeah it would. A letter in the mail? Are you kidding? Are you actually ashamed to say this stuff to him? You're trying to thank him for his influence on you right? You're also trying to make him feel good about himself, right?

    So what's the subtext behind his son MAILING him a mushy touchy feely letter? That he couldn't say up front?


    If you're proud of what you have to say...then say it to his face. Don't hide behind a letter.

    If you feel awkward...then chances are he will too. Don't make him feel awkward when actually you're trying to make him feel good about himself.


    Anyways, I gave you a suggested scenario in the reply immediately above this one.

    Please don't send him a letter like this...it gives the message in all the wrong ways, and it would just be plain wierd both to send and especially to RECEIVE something like this.
     
  7. MapleLeaf

    MapleLeaf New Member

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    The idea is not far fetched but DO NOT mail it to him. Deliver it in person before you move. Let him read it in front of you (while you sit there all awkward and self-conscious), then you both can move forward with the love and respect it sounds as if you silently have for each other.
     
  8. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    Diesel Fumes, If you feel awkward talking to your dad about this stuff, just show him your post.
     

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