SRS I want to go off on my mother

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by SQLee, May 7, 2007.

  1. SQLee

    SQLee The OTer That Cares™

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    I guess I'll start with a little history lesson. My mother left my father and I when I was three years old. I was somewhere, my dad picked me up, and we came home to find that she had packed some of her things and taken off. Turns out she drove to California, we were in Texas. Now I don't remember many details but I've been told it completely broke my dad's heart, as you can imagine, and I was really upset over it too. A few years later my dad remarried to the woman he's still married to today. She had a daughter four years older than me, and they haven't had any kids together.

    I missed my mother for years and finally when I was nine, my grandma and I went to see her for a week or so. When I was twelve, she moved back down here and lived with my grandma. While she was gone, she had a baby girl, who, at the time, was only a couple of years old. After about six months, she vanished again, without telling anyone. She moved back to California. There was little contact for a couple of years, when my dad called her one day behind my back and told me there was a phone call for me. I talked to her for a few minutes, hung up, and told him very sternly to never do that again.

    I'll be 24 this week and my only contact with her in the past ~10 years, other than a few birthday or Christmas cards which I always hated getting, has been on Christmas day when I was 17. I was at my grandma's and answered the phone, it was her. She asked for my grandma, I gave her the phone. They talked for a few minutes and then she asked to speak to me. My grandma told her I might not want to, but she asked me anyway. I declined. She actually made a trip down here and saw my grandma and some other family members. I think I was 19 at the time. I chose not to see her, even though she wanted to see me. She's had three more children since she had left the second time, bringing the total of my half-siblings to four now.

    So as you can tell, I hated her for leaving me...twice. I wrote her out of my life and never looked back. The problem is that now, I'm starting to realize how big of am impact that's had on my life. I thought I had moved on from it, healed, and was doing just fine. But that's not the case at all. I've got a whole slew of issues stemming from her leaving me that I'm just now starting to realize, but that's another thread.

    Now, I've been in a major funk for the past couple of months. I've been wanting to call her lately. But it hasn't been because I want to reconcile or anything like that. I just want to go off on her. I never got a real answer from her about why she left me. I'm not even sure I want it, I just want to yell at her and tell her how bad she's fucked me up. I want to tell her that even if I was a mistake to her, I'm worth it. But I think I want to say that to convince myself of that, more so than convincing her.

    So am I wrong for wanting to do this? I've had so many people tell me I should talk to my mother. I mean, she wants to talk to me, always has, but I've just rejected and ignored her all these years. But the truth is, I don't want to talk to her. I don't want her in my life. But I just have all this frustration built up inside that I didn't even know was there, and I just want to explode on her.

    Thanks for reading, I realize it's a lot, but man I needed to vent.
     
  2. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    I wouldn't even consider her your mother and I wouldn't waste my time yelling at her either just completely cut her out of your life. Do you accept your stepmother as a mother basically? Maybe write your mom a letter or something explaining how she was never a mother to you and you would appreciate it if she never attempt to contact you b/c you have a new mother (stepmother) who stepped up and took responsibility for a child that wasn't hers and you consider her your real mother.
     
  3. SQLee

    SQLee The OTer That Cares™

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    No, I never accepted my stepmother as my mother. Early on, I missed my real mother so much that I didn't want to accept her, but she's also not very good with little kids. Now that I'm older her and I get along a lot better.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    You have abandon issues, it basically comes down to that your mother had her reasons to leave which you as a young child could not possibly understand nor relate to , even up till today you do not understand.

    A child needs its parents (Both) and your mother abandoning you has brought up a lot of hate and resentment, because you feel she failed you as a mother(keep in the back of your mind that you don't even know why)

    She was never there when you needed her. So emotionally you closed yourself up towards her, and nowadays you consider her as a worthless mother.

    Now listen to Good ol'darketernal's advice when i tell you to forgive her. You don't have to accept her as a mother, because she is merely a stranger that happens to be related by blood to you,at the moment.

    And at this point the only thing you need to know is that people make mistakes in their lives, and they need forgiveness to draw a line in order to move on. That counts as wel for the receiver as for the requester of forgiveness.

    Now more in the future you can learn what happend, you can do this by starting to communicate to her, not by blocking yourself emotionally so that this mass of hatred can never be converted into love. You see , you need to give yourself a chance, and your mom as well. The reason it would be a peacefull choice is because if you live in constant anger towards her, then you become anger yourself, and then you'll become resentfull and spitefull for God knows how many years, you won't have a good time living like that.

    Grab your chance with both hands to try to establish a relationship with your mother again, talk to her.
     
  5. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    The idea that we can write people out of our lives and forget about them without any further issues is not reasonable IMO, especially when dealing with family members. It sucks that one of the people that is supposed to care for you and protect you actually was the source of sooo much pain. I feel for ya man.

    I don't think you should call your mom and go off on her. IMO, you would be better served by getting into therapy and finding a way to forgive her. I know...sounds fucked up but carrying around all this anger does have an impact on you. I don't think we can truly move on from these types of issues simply by forgetting about them, ignoring them or even going off on the people that most likely deserve it. IMO the only way to truly move on is to forgive....but that brings up all sorts of other stuff....which is why I suggest therapy. THese issues cut deeply and very often it takes help in dealing with them. Therapists are a great source for this help.
     
  6. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    For you to move on, you'll have to take her for what she is and forgive her. It sounds live a tall order but, until you do, you'll continue to allow her to control a piece of you. You don't have to like her or condone her actions to forgive.
     
  7. danlhinz

    danlhinz New Member

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    Make her feel like a total piece of shit, that is what she is and that is what she deserves.
     
  8. XPX

    XPX New Member

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    That wouldn't fix the situation, would bring more problems and in the end he would feel even worse.

    I'm dealing with something similar, I'm having hard time forgiving my mother for all she did and it kills me that I can't step forward and be good with her, I just ignore her and that is killing her. :hs: Why is it so hard to forgive someone? (specially your own mother)
     
  9. RedDawg

    RedDawg Well-Known Member

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    have a "funeral" for her, sprinkle some ashes, air your grievances and let the rest of your family know that from now on she is dead to you.
     
  10. XPX

    XPX New Member

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    That is a unreal solution for a real problem, sooner or later he'd have the same feelings again...maybe in a different way.

    Those of us that have bad relationships with our mothers must realize that one of these days we will feel different, they are our mothers and despite all the mistakes they made they are still our mothers, most people realize this when their mothers die.
     
  11. level99

    level99 Guest

    The best thing u can do to get back at her, is to really succeed in life and have a good life and dont pay any credit or acknowledgement to her.
     
  12. jessitack

    jessitack cooter punch

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    I did it I wrote her a nasty email. Now im at the point in my life where I dont care. I actually feel a little bit for her. I think im at peace with the whole situation. I dont go out of my way for her to be in my life...but I dont completly shut her out.

    Its okay. Venting to her and letting her know where I stand had made the whole situation less dramatic and hurtful.
     
  13. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    at your mom's house. be back later.
    I have no advise for you but I will tell ya a little story- just promise me you'll give it some thought...

    Someone very very close to me was estranged from their mother for about 10 years. She walked out on their family and gave them no explanation as to why. This person's last words to their mother was 'Fine. Fuck you.'

    They spent years apart, neither of them talking to each other, no birthday cards, no calls on Christmas, nothing. To make matters worse, this person had two siblings whom the mother was still very close to. My dear friend was left in the cold. The repercussions of this hurtful relationship just about ruined this person's life- they dropped out of high school, got deep into drugs and in the end, had lost many friends.

    After 7 years of destructive behavior, this person decided to get their life together. They retreated for a while and started to get their life back in order, but this person never spoke to their mother. This person had written her off completely, rarely thought of her and was ready to move on with their life.

    Then one day, almost 3 years ago today, this person's mother was on the phone, talking to their brother. My friend decided to pick up the phone and say hi. They spoke for the first time in 10 years. It was awkward, but it was okay. After that they started speaking on a regular basis.

    3 weeks later she was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. She had 30 tumors in her brain. She had 6 weeks to live. She received an experimental treatment that allowed her to live for 11 months- though much of that time she couldn't remember who she was talking to or what was going on.

    My friend and friend's mother were able to meet again, about 5 months before she died. My friend was very nervous about what to say to her, though chose in the end not to talk about their rocky relationship because they knew there was too much to try to resolve in such a short amount of time. My friend wanted to be able to have a few good memories of the last time they would see each other- and luckily, that's exactly what they we able to walk away with.

    It's been 2 years since she's been gone and my friend now misses her very much. My friend deeply regrets not having any relationship with her. And now, it doesn't matter who left whom first or who said the meanest things or whose actions were more hurtful- all that matters is that it was time wasted. Time and energy wasted on pride and ego and pain. Time and energy that could have been spent on bigger and better things.

    I understand that these things don't happen often, though they do happen and no one can guarantee the future.

    So, be mindful of your words and actions. You can't change your mother, you can't control her actions, but you can control your own. Don't go spitting into the wind- unless you really don't mind shit on your face.

    Good luck to you man :x:
     
  14. TonyMontana

    TonyMontana Black and Gold

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    that wont do anything but make the problem worse. The only way to get past this is to find a way to forgive her, either by yourself with help from family or through a therapist. I went through the same ordeal so I can give you a hand if you ever need one.
     
  15. Gregsaidthat

    Gregsaidthat "Individuality is the new conformity"

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    This is a true statement.

    Just do it on your own terms and when you feel ready not when she wants to.

    Good luck hope things work for you.
     
  16. SQLee

    SQLee The OTer That Cares™

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    I talked to her last night. I needed to know why she left me. I'm getting different stories from her and the rest of my family. I don't know who to believe. All I know is that it seems like my friends may be better than my family.
     
  17. Faithless

    Faithless щ(゚Д゚щ)

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    SO true, but for my mother... it was the same with her and her father. Her father was a piece of shit and abandoned his kids (without the mother because she had already died) and would leave them for months on end with NO supervision except for my mother, for she was the eldest sibling (13) and she had to take care of her little brothers.

    She always hated him because when he remarried, he completely cut his children out of his life. My mother had NO parents anymore. She was all alone.
    When he got much older, he realized he had done his children wrong, and tried to rectify the situation. He begged my mom to see him, but she wouldnt.

    Then she received word that he was dying. Since she was a nurse, she went to Minnesota to take care of him in his last days. He apologized to her so many times while we lived there, but I think none of it really sank in until he died a few months later.

    Now she regrets not forgiving him sooner and having him as a part of her life. She regrets that her own children never had grandparents, never got to know all their distant cousins, never really knew anyone but the immediate family.

    She also regrets that he died with their relationship completely unresolved. Even now, she sometimes talks about how she talks about how her lack of forgiveness poisoned her life for years. She held in so much resentment and anger that it ruined all the relationships in her adult life. She never completely trusted anyone or let anyone in.
     
  18. Faithless

    Faithless щ(゚Д゚щ)

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    You know, a good friend once told me... There are three sides to every story. Side A, Side B, and The Truth.

    Both sides are probably not being totally honest with you. Nether side wants to seem like the guilty party.

    Its like with my father... I have never met him, he left one month before I was born. My mother tells me all the time it was because he didnt want a child to get in the way of his music career and blah blah blah, but at the same time... I KNOW my mom. I know she is really difficult. Like... REALLY difficult. Sometimes I feel like I want a divorce. So, through logic and my own observations, I have come to the conclusion that its probably both of them that got them into my situation. Of course... any relationship issues that my mom and dad might have had should have had NOTHING to do with me... but I cant believe even for a moment that my father never wonders about me
     
  19. SQLee

    SQLee The OTer That Cares™

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    Yeah, this is a really good point.
     
  20. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    Do not, I repeat, DO NOT listen to most of the stuff above.

    A few simple "I'm sorry" statements are NOT an excuse for what she did to you and all the pain she caused you. She left you, she abandoned you, and if she's "sorry" for what she did, well that's TOO FUCKING BAD. She made her choice, let her live with the consequences of it.

    All these stories of people that meet with their parents that abandoned them and then feel all this sorrow and regret at not having "forgiven" them earlier on is nothing more than Stockholm Syndrome.

    Like in Faith's mother's father story. That guy shat on her mother for many, many, years and in the end she ended up nursing him when he realized he had no-one left? :wtf: "Oh, by the way, I'm sorry for treating you like shit for a decade or so, really, I am, *so* soweeeee. Now can you give me a sponge bath?"

    Don't be a fucking doormat to those that didn't give two shits about you.
    Don't go back to your mother, let her pull at your heart strings with whatever bullshit justifications* she gives for her actions, and then let her guilt trip you into becoming friends again with her.

    Instead of focusing all this energy on the person that wronged you. Why not focus on your dad and the others that actually *did* give more than an occasional afterthought, as Faith put it, about your well being?

    *It's up to you to judge her justifications and come to your own conclusions, I'm assuming that they were rather shitty from your story, but only you can make the call on that. If indeed she had some extenuating circumstance, then by all means forgiveness is not completely out of the picture and it's up to you where to go from there.
     
  21. Yossarian

    Yossarian OT Supporter

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    I never miss an opportunity to yell at my father for leaving me and my mother. Never.
     
  22. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    this idea sounds all good and everything but the problem with it is, it's not without cost.
     
  23. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    Justice always has a cost.

    Being a pushover does not.
     
  24. mitsubi

    mitsubi OT Supporter

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    well put imo... i can't stand it when i see people get shit on by someone then go chaisng after them trying make nicey nice.... no reason to apologize and or try and make peace when you did not do wrong.
     
  25. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    :rofl: please
     

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