SRS I want to get clean

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by tattooed_sailor, Apr 16, 2008.

  1. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    I'm tired of being a fuckup.

    I've never even tried to quit before... I just told myself I could control it so there was no need to quit.

    Yeah thats not true at all.

    I have a huge problem, and its only made worse because my use has been to hide other emotional issues.

    I am getting rid of all my "buddies", and so far that is working out. If I can just keep myself from answering the phone... well thats step one.

    I found a anon near my house and I am going tonight after work.

    I'm seeing a shrink tomorrow, hopefully that will help too.

    I just want to be able to be happy without the aid of drugs.
     
  2. nafreek

    nafreek New Member

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    Look up NA.ORG and look at the meeting list on the main page go to a meeting that is listed you will find everyone you need to know to stay clean there. they can and will help if you ask.
     
  3. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    I found a meeting that starts thirty minutes after I get off work this evening (the latest meeting today)

    I'm going to go.
     
  4. energie

    energie I like to place an order.. the name? Situation the

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    its hard to do but you have to sever all bad influences in your life.

    the closer you are with people who are into that scene, the harder it is to quit.



    A few of my friends tried quitting weed after being stoners for the last 4-5 years and a few of them didnt have the will power to quit like me and my other buddy did. They found themselves goin back to it being surrounded by other stoners.


    But at the end of the day your doing the right thing, and quiting other addictive behaviors compared to weed is night and day
     
  5. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    I deleted all my "party" friends from my phone and stopped answering calls from anyone thats not still on the list.

    I've not used blow since monday.

    I smoked some weed last night and I actually was happy...

    But any drug is gonna make me go back to blow eventually.

    I need to learn to deal without any drugs.
     
  6. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    I went to NA tonight. They are really taking good care of me. Took me out to eat after, and just really helped me so much.

    They are all calling me now making sure I am ok, and not doing anything stupid.
     
  7. GooeyGus

    GooeyGus I has Laz0rz.

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    NA really is a great program. So many people never even want to try it because they have their own 'image' in their head of what they imagine NA to be. Good luck broseph it sounds like you found a really good bunch. :x:
     
  8. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    After I got home one of the guys I have hooked up with started IMing me.. asking why I'm not answering my phone etc..

    I told him about what was going on, and found out that he is also in recovery.. been clean for like two years.

    He came over and just sat and talked with me for three hours.. making sure I was gonna be ok.

    I've only met this guy once before in my life.. but wow. I only hope someday I can give even a little of this love and support to someone else in my shoes.
     
  9. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    Well I woke up this morning to the phone ringing.. NA on the phone checking in. Sat and talked with the guy about naval aircraft (he is a fellow aviation buff) and also about working through addiction.

    I've been reading the little book and listening to the lectures that they gave me last night.. Its all good shit and every little bit helps.

    I think the biggest thing though is not thinking too far ahead. Focusing on today is the only way to get through it.
     
  10. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    I went to the shrink today.

    Its amazing how much we won't admit to ourselves.. I finally realized just how far back my marriage had been "on the rocks", and how much of an enabler my wife had been.

    I also now understand a little bit better my internal conflict. I was raised to be very moral/conservative/be a good person, and I always wanted to "do the right thing". Unfortunately in trying to do that I allowed myself to be hurt and abused over and over again, and in the end turned to alcohol and other substances to cover it all up. All that did was make me even more depressed because I was acting in a way that even by my own standards was terrible/wrong.
     
  11. turbo35

    turbo35 haters gonna hate

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    I'm posting in here because I'm one of his few friends that aren't enablers. :wavey:

    well, kinda, but if I need to cut your ass off from every intoxicant known to man, let me know (altho I wish you'd start with cigarettes... :squint:)
     
  12. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    :wavey:

    Yeah I was going to mention that before we hang out again, I can't be playing with fire.

    Any kind of fire.
     
  13. turbo35

    turbo35 haters gonna hate

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    wait... you're srsly quitting cigarettes too??
     
  14. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    Oh no.. I'm still a slave to that one.

    I was talking about the other stuff.

    Eventually I would like to kick the smoking.. but right now I just don't want to bite off more than I can chew.
     
  15. turbo35

    turbo35 haters gonna hate

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    yeah, arrite. well, you said ANY kind of fire, I was like... :eek3:
     
  16. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    I don't want to be smoking them any more than I want to be smoking crack.

    That said, rome was not built in a day.

    I'll continue my one day at a time and not worry about what happens tomorrow.
     
  17. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    I guess this is turning into a journal as much as anything else.

    I went to another meeting tonight.. small group with a lot of "oldies", and I shared for the first time.

    It was very tough.. but just talking about what is going on helps me deal with it.

    I get all weepy, which makes me feel rather girly (no offense girls :rofl:), but even so it is better than bottling it up inside.

    Oh yeah.. still clean :big grin:
     
  18. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Sounds like you're doing all the things necessary to get and stay sober....at least at this point. Eventually there will be step work and other stuff but no need to worry about that today. So congrats and I wish you the best on your journey.

    Oh and I completely agree to not quitting smoking till later. The way I had to think about it was, my drinking would kill me faster than cigs so I've got to address my drinking first. I was 4 years sober before I thought I could kick the smoking habit and it was still a complete bitch.

    As far as getting weepy, don't feel girly or whimpy or anything like that. Life is difficult and very often painful. Crying is natural and normal and it's ok to let it out. I've never had anyone make fun of me for crying in an AA meeting yet I very often get self conscious when I do. More often they are just supportive because they have been in similar circumstances.

    Anyways, good luck and God Bless.
     
  19. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    Well a little update.. I've been doing quite well staying off the shit.

    I did have a major episode last night.. almost irrationally depressed/manic.

    I ended up scraping my grinder out and chilled out.

    I kinda felt bad because I've been so good so far, but it kept me from running out to find something else.

    I think I may need to go on anti depressants if I want to stay totally sober, or just allow myself a puff of ganja on occasion.

    I'm torn on the whole subject. Either way I am using a drug to regulate my moods..

    I'm perfectly happy if I can stay away from alcohol and blow.. but I'm just scared that using anything will throw me back into that shit.

    The problem is I still have these episodes where I get very very depressed and the only thing that gets my mind off a horrible downward spiral is .. well all the things I don't want in my body.
     
  20. GooeyGus

    GooeyGus I has Laz0rz.

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    This sounds EXACTLY like me :o. Its weird how when one attends meetings, one can hear their exact story coming out of someone else's mouth.

    This was a hard thing for me to get over too. I have no idea why, but every time I would talk about my story or my former 'active addiction' self, I would get all weepy too. I guess its just a huge rush of emotion. I felt scared, sad, happy, shameful all at the same time. It took me about a year of talking about my experiences to finally not have that huge swell of emotion come up.

    Congrats on staying clean. Keep fighting :bigthumb:
     
  21. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    I heard a lot of similar stories, but it seemed like most of the "oldies" had all been serious addicts (used for years, lost everything etc)

    I fully admit that I'm an addict, and I have lost a lot, but I've never lost a job or anything like that..

    I always told myself that if anything I was doing started to affect my work performance etc I would get clean. I started noticing my slipping and some of my co-workers (several active users who knew what was up) told me I needed to slow my roll because I was not at my former "superstar" level.

    I wish I could attribute my marital problems to the alcohol or drugs, but I cannot. Realizing that was one of the biggest things that helped me get clean.

    I do know that if I cannot deal with my emotional issues I will end up in a gutter, so that has become my biggest priority. I'm finally in a good place now, and even my parents have commented that I sound better on the phone. I just feel alive again :bigthumb:
     
  22. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    Well, here is my honest sober opinion (for what its worth)

    If it had not been for the abuse (that is the only way I can describe how I was treating myself) my marriage would not have lasted as long as it did.

    My wife actually encouraged me to drink many times when I was trying to get sober because when I was sober I did not "leave her alone"..

    I'm not talking about being controlling or anything like that, just expressing a desire to spend more time together or wanting physical intimacy.

    The drugs and alcohol helped me to cover up the problems (her putting her work before everything else, including our relationship) and enabled me to continue in a relationship that frankly I should never have gotten myself into.
     
  23. elloyou

    elloyou Guest

  24. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Yeah I think that pic should be deleted also. This is road to recovery and that pic is of someone still using. No reason to keep it IMO.
     
  25. tattooed_sailor

    tattooed_sailor New Member

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    Addblock ftw
     

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