SRS I want to change, but I don't know where to start

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by ices, Dec 27, 2008.

  1. ices

    ices New Member

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    This will probably be a long post. I'll be as straightforward as I can.

    About me. I'm 23 and male, considered attractive by family and friends, and a college grad with a degree in mechanical engineering. I have a full-time job with a good salary. I'm introverted around people I'm not close with but I open up once I get to know someone better. I love to learn and try new things. I am good to my friends and family. When it comes to the people that I care about, I am caring, sensitive and thoughtful. They can count on me to be there when they need somebody, and they all know it.

    About my family. I love my family. No problems here. I was taught by my parents to be hard working, polite, and humble.

    About (the majority of) my friends. I love my friends but lately I feel that I don't really fit in anymore. I've been close to these people since high school. A lot of them are in the armed forces, are highschool/college dropouts, gamblers, community college students with no drive, or in their 6th year at a University. When I explain to people what I do, all I get back are blank stares. Getting them to do something out of the norm (drinking at the same local watering hole) is like pulling teeth. Most of them live at home and hold "normal" jobs like retail, food industry, etc. In high school, we were the "cool" kids aka delinquents. We'd drink, fight, and fuck. I grew out of it once college started approaching but it seems like the others didn't.

    Don't get me wrong, I don't look down on my friends. I just feel that there's an aspect of my social life that's missing. I want to meet other young professionals, but it's hard to network when the friends of my friends are all so similar. There are also the other common social obstacles such as close knit groups that are already established.

    About college. I was in a long term relationship through the majority of my college career. This is where I think I made my mistake. My ex and I did almost everything together. Instead of going out and making new friends, I would go home and hang out with my old "crew" every weekend. I know I wasn't social enough through college. It is one of the biggest regrets but life goes on so I try not to dwell on it.

    About that relationship. When we finally broke up, it felt like I was learning how to walk again. After a long period of reflection, I came out stronger and more independent. It's been about two years, and I haven't had a serious relationship since. I still consider her the one that "got away". She was a great girl in so many ways.

    What really gets to me is the fact that she had a certain quality that I haven't been able to find in subsequent relationships. It's that devoted/"I'm here for my man" attitude. Maybe it sounds chauvinistic, but I'm the same way to my girlfriends. Being able to completely count on her as a girlfriend made her my best friend in addition to my girlfriend.

    About how I am in a relationship
    . When I'm in a healthy relationship, I'm generally a good guy (or at least I believe I am). I'm understanding, accomodating, and caring. Admittedly, I do get jealous and I can be over-protective. Most of the girls I've dated liked it, but I know that it has caused problems in the past. This is something that I've been gradually getting better with.

    About my other relationships. I've had countless flings, hookups, and friends-with-benefits. Most have turned into nothing at best, and ugly at worst. I KNOW that I am at my worst when it comes to being a fuck buddy. This leads to my first rant about myself. In FWB relationships, I'm a complete asshole. I'm insensitive, uncaring, cold, and just completely not myself. In my most recent FWB relationship, we'd get drunk and do our thing. The next morning, I'd drop her off and hardly even look at her.

    I also place WAY too much importance on sex, and I think that's what has gotten me down lately. I have been seeing a girl recently. I'll skip the details, but her only redeeming qualities were her looks, that "quality" I mentioned before, and that she's wild in bed. Other than those, there's nothing right about this girl (maturity, emotional stability, intellect, etc). What's sad is that while I know these things, I still care about her and actually WANT a relationship with her. She hooks up with multiple guys every week and it bugs me to no end. I KNOW she's no good, but the fact that I care so much makes it completely obvious to me that there's something completely irrational about me. I am not asking for advice for this girl, but for me to change.

    So, I'm calling myself out. Typing all of this out has given me a little insight, but I'm looking for more feedback/suggestions. I'm tired of these flings and I want a steady girlfriend. I want someone that I can connect with again because I believe that is what I've been missing this whole time. I know that in my past relationships, I was caring and honest. However, what scares me is that I'll find a really great girl and hurt her because in the back of my mind, all I'm doing is using her companionship and sex. I don't know if I've become too emotionally independent and all I want is for someone to fulfill my physical needs. Or maybe I'm not as independent as I thought I was and that "right girl" will bring me back to my senses. Or maybe I'm not even ready for a girlfriend because I feel that I need one to fill a void. In that case, I guess I have more soul searching to do. OR, maybe just stop the hookups/flings because they're unhealthy? It's possible that some of those flings could have ended up as something more, and that I missed my opportunity because I was too focused on the sex.

    As for my social situation, I know all I have to do is get out there. I didn't realize until now how important a healthy social life is on the intellectual and emotional level. I always thought that I could just depend on myself and "get it done" on my own but after re-reading my own post, it's so obvious that the social aspect of my life has been lacking.

    I know that I'm young and I have a lot to learn. I've come to realize that I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did. I need to get out of this rut, and any relevant questions will be gladly answered. Thanks for reading through all of this and for any feedback.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Im honestly not kidding , grab a golf stick and be on your way to the golf club. To me its the best social gathering place that i know of, the atmosphere around my golfclub is great, and you can invite people to come along.

    Everyone has this 'gaping black hole in their heart', the meaning of life and the only thing that can fill that void is to love and help others. This is the reason why your friends with benefits lifestyle has been so unforfilling

    Love is for a soul what gasoline is for a car, you can't put coca cola in it, it simply will not run, so you need to put things in it that will make it start going. This would include helping other people maby by the means of volenteering, and real substational relationships that involve true love, and as wel as giving and receiving, so that both of the partners get their needs forfilled.

    I have a japanese partner because they have traditional values and morals which they keep up high. I really hate the American 'fuck you' attitude, and it came to my understanding that saying fuck you to everything and leaving a big mess behind is 'NOT' a good attitude at all. Things need care and love if they want to grow, an indifferent fuck you attitude that leaves everything behind to rot and die is NOT going to improve a bad situation.

    And this is what you see in a lot of Western countries, the youth just says fuck it, lets party lets do drugs, let have as much wild sex as we want. Only to find out that it lets people cheat onto eachother,leaves them with addictions, this leaves their lives in unbalance and disharmony which eventually to their realisation leaves them dead unhappy about their lives.

    You might be looking for a more concervative partner.
     
  3. polishillusion

    polishillusion New Member

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    Sounds like you've got a complex analysis and set up for yourself already. What exactly do you want to hear from us?
     
  4. ices

    ices New Member

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    Darketernal's reply is along the lines of what I'm looking for. Do you think I need to dig deeper before considering the possibility of a relationship? Obviously, only I would know if I was ready for a relationship, but it's pretty clear that what I want often gets in the way of what is right for me. I'm not even so sure why I'm so focused on being in a relationship. I just know that it's something I've been missing.

    I'd also like to know if anyone has been in a similar situation/mindset. If so, what were the underlying reasons? How did you get yourself out of a similar rut? This is the first time I've ever felt so "trapped" and hearing stories from others might help me figure this whole thing out. Just seeing my situation from different angles I think would help.
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    You want to get into a relationship to fill up the gap, your partner wants this in an equal way, with maby different needs to forfill, a relationship is indeed both giving and taking, what you need is a 'mental' connection with your partner and love given that goes vice versa, in that way having a partner really fills up the gap. However a relationship comes with its own problems, because its a continues investment and always a balancing on a rope act. To fill in that balance a carefully chosen partner who is also willing to invest into your life must be chosen. They are out there but they are 'not' easy to find. Especially not when the partner is selfish, but from the person who seeks a partner must be well aware that there is no such thing as 'the perfect partner', more often then not we need to accept and love a person unconditionally with all the flaws they have. But that doesn't mean we need to let someone walk over us. From both sides there needs to be a willingness to improve as a person, rather then a 'blame you for everything that's wrong' festival, care but firmness is needed to steer a relationship into the right direction.

    Being in a relationship is not what you want, its a nature's call to fill in the lonelyness that you are experiencing in your life. You can even proof that its always 'you who has to make the effort to step towards the people'. If you are in a room, and you would say nothing. Most people will not bother talking to you, a deafening silence will fall. However if you start bringing up topics, and start conversations, then people will talk. Its action = reaction , and no action = no reaction principle.
     
  6. bimmer318

    bimmer318 I'm out of applesauce

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    Man it seems like you got yourself figured out, unlike a lot of people. And relationships / fuckbuddies to boot.. You have a nice career, degree and no family problems..

    I gotta say you're better off than 90% of people your age.
     

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