SRS I want to break up

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Zeff, Aug 1, 2007.

  1. Zeff

    Zeff OT Supporter

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    I've been dating the same girl for 3.5 years. At first the relationship was fun, it was a semi distance one though. (3 hrs) A couple months in I noticed that she started becoming really clingy and didn't really have friends other than me. This was becoming my first really serious relationship so I didn't really know better.

    About 2 years in I was in college and she told me she was about to start attending a local art school a couple days a week. After a month of being at 'school' I went there to suprise her but she wasn't there. She ended up being at her house. I almost dumped her there, but she pulled the whole psycho suicide shit. So I stayed around, and made her stop doing that drama shit. Things got way better, then my band got signed. So now I'm out going across the country and she's at home with no job, living with her parents. She has no motivation and I feel like she is just waiting for me to get money through my band and just mooch off of me. The last year and a half has just become really shitty for me. She isn't into what I do and isn't very supportive. I try to spend as much time as I can when I'm not on tour but I just can't stand it anymore. She just doesn't make me happy. When I talk to her there is nothing new going on, just her at home saying she misses me. The last time she had a job was last november and it lasted for maybe a month. She isn't into the 'rock' life and always talks down about my friends. Every time I bring this stuff up she somehow makes me feel like shit. Today we had an arguement because we'll be coming close by home on this tour. My parents want to come see me, and she doesn't want to ride with them, she would rather me send her money so she can drive down.

    I've sort of become part of her family and her parents think highly of me. I'm not really sure how to approach them with this though. I feel like I've fallen out of love with this girl. I'm going to have 3 weeks off in August before I go on tour for another 2 months. I want to try and end this then. I'm 25 and she's 23 now. bleh
     
  2. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    So she basically guilted you into staying with the threats of suicide and all that??

    Well sorry man but there's no easy way to break it off but just know that it's not your fault if she follows through with suicide. It's her choice.

    Breakups are hard because you also have to break up with the family.

    There's no easy way other than to admit you don't like what's happening anymore than anyone else but you can't stay with her anymore. You don't have to give reasons.
     
  3. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Theres no easy way you just have to end it you sound miserable, her suicide threats are probably just a ploy to get you to stay around don't fall for her guilt trip this time. Maybe respectfully talk to her parents just explain you do care for her but aren't in love with her anymore. I'm sure they will understand.
     
  4. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I know this is hard to accept, because it goes against the human urge to help people and care for others...but it isn't your job to help her with her problems if you don't want to.

    Go ahead and break up with her.
     
  5. Zeff

    Zeff OT Supporter

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    Yeah this shit is difficult, I tried talking to her about how I felt today but she doesn't seem to care. It's always "I do so much for you and then you leave for months at a time." I'll be home in the middle of August, I think I'll have a long discussion with her parents before I talk to her.
     
  6. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Yeah I hear ya...it's bad when someone threatens suicide because they put all that shit on you. It's just not right but it is somewhat common for people to do this. It usually just pushes the other person away, even if they are still physically there.

    Talking to the rents first is a good idea. I would suggest holding off on telling them about her suicide threats....unless she makes them again. If she does, I'd tell her I hope she doesn't do that but in the end...it's her choice. Then I'd tell her I was going to tell her rents about it....for her safety.

    Hang in there man.
     
  7. Zeff

    Zeff OT Supporter

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    Thanks, I just don't need this kind of drama right now in my life. She hasn't pulled the suicide card for about a year but her attitude towards everything that I do that doesn't involve her is negative. Anyways I'll try to comment on everyone else when I get a chance we go on stage soon.
     
  8. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    At the risk of sounding cheezy, congrats on living your dream. She's probably a little jealous that she's not doing the same - it's hard to live with someone that has a generous chunk of the limelight when you're not secure in the sense of your own worth. It sounds like you already know what to do, though... you deserve a supportive significant other, and if she can't fulfil that role, you're doing both of you a favor by ending things.
     
  9. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    at your mom's house. be back later.
    CONGRATS ON YOUR BAND AND YOUR UPCOMING TOUR!!

    That's amazing!! :bowdown:

    As for the chick- this is not a good situation. She's manipulating you over and over again, especially with the suicide bullshit. She's not supportive of you or your future, she's mooching off of you, She lied about the art school thing, and she bad mouths your friends.

    What if your best friend was dating this girl? What would you say to him? Answer that and then take your own advise and leave. You're better than a girl who manipulates and tries to control you.

    Taking to her parents might not be a bad idea, unless they're going to try to talk you into staying with her.

    You're about to start a fantastic new time in your life- start it without all the drama.

    Have a great time on your tour!!

    Good luck and Godspeed :bigthumb:
     
  10. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

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    It's a shame, Zeff. She's a pretty girl. I'm sorry, bro. I think I'm going to be breaking up with mine as well.

    You could always sit down and talk with her and try to get her to see the big picture.
     
  11. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    If she doesn't understand your line of work and tries to guilt trip you over being away for months at a time, she's not worth keeping around.
     
  12. Zeff

    Zeff OT Supporter

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    I've tried, I've tried. She's always pushing wanting kids and dropping hints that after 4 years she should be engaged. Those are things that I want in life but there is no way I can do that right now. The attitude in NC is way different about babies and ages, all of her cousins are like 25 with atleast a kid.

    Yeah she's pretty, but it seems that, that is all she wants to focus on. She has low self esteem and is always asking if she's pretty ect.. It is like an every day 2-4 times thing that she'll do.
     
  13. Zeff

    Zeff OT Supporter

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    I want to talk to my parents about things before I approach hers. We almost broke up about a year and a half ago. It was an argument that spawned from having to go to a wedding. It was supposed to be a mini vacation and she was supposed to help with gas but she didn't have any money. Her parents interviened and it was a big mess. What sucks is that I am like her only friend. I can't stand to not see her happy because her teen years were really shitty. She had a lot of drama in HS that involved her going to 5 different schools. She didn't graduate on time but graduated with honors and is in NHS.
     
  14. Zeff

    Zeff OT Supporter

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    Yeah, that was a big thing in this. After my band got signed we've just been go go go, at first it was a bitchfest but now it is better but I don't get encouragement on the road. It is more like hurry and get home.
     
  15. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    As my shrink used to say to me quite often, "You didn't cause it, you can't fix it and it isn't your fault." You obviously care about her and it's natural and normal to not want those we care about to suffer in any way...even emotionally.

    The unfortunate thing is, if you left your band, went home and spent loads of time with her....she still prolly wouldn't be happy. Oh I'm sure for a time she would be but whenever someone is looking to someone else to make them happy and not taking care of themselves, it's hard for that to be a lasting happiness. The thing is, this would most likely take a huge toll on you emotionally and I seriously wouldn't recommend doing this without a lot of thought.

    Hopefully you can end it before you end up hating her but from what you've posted here, it sounds like she will still hate you. But that's no reason to stay in an unhealthy and unsatisfying relationship.

    It sounds like your lives are moving in drastically different directions and she doesn't want to be a part of your life....she wants you to be a part of hers. That sux.....but there are other women out there...as I'm sure you know, that would love to share your lifestyle with you.

    Oh yeah...and congrats on getting your band signed. I keep forgetting to post that. :)
     
  16. Zeff

    Zeff OT Supporter

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    Thanks, I hope that she doesn't hate me, I just hope she can understand why I'm doing this. I talked to my parents about everything last night and they were very understanding. That helped me a lot. What sucks though is that I feel like I'm lying to her now every time I talk to her on the phone. I only have like 2 weeks left of tour before I go back home and that was when I wanted to talk to her about things. What sucks even more is that last night she called to tell me that her grandma just went into the hospital. Shit just sucks right now.
     
  17. Zeff

    Zeff OT Supporter

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    man fuck her, I just got off the phone with her, We're in Arizona right now and finally have a day off after like 5 days of no hotels/showers. We talked for a little bit and it was the usual, she has nothing to say shit. I told her that I would let her go so I could swim for a bit, we have the hotel for like 1 more hour. She got all pissy and hung up then cussed me out saying that I don't talk to her and it just went into a big mess. She is crying right now and I told her that I am seriously questioning us.
     
  18. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    damn man...that's gotta suck. I can only imagine what it's like being that far from home and having that kind of shit going on. Sorry to hear man.

    My brother had a similar situation where his wife was just all fucked up. She quit her job and just sat around all day drinking and laying out at the pool and shit. I think he was in London when they had this huge fight and it basically sounded a lot like yours....she was pissed cuz her life sucked but he was going places and doing interesting things. Just stupid shit cuz she had an awesome job with a big company but drinking was more important to her....or something like that. He still talks about that shit.

    Wish I had some more advice for ya but unfortunately it just sounds like your relationship is ending. Just be sure to take care of yourself in this process...it sound like you are tho. Eat healthy, try to get a full nights sleep and stay away from the booze and drugs. Seems strange for me to say all that to a touring musician but it does help.

    Anyways, hang in there man....keep us updated. You'll be in my prayers.
     
  19. rtzcom

    rtzcom bon wons! fight slepa for life sone!~

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    I've been there, done that, and moved on.

    I know you want to help her out because you know she's one of the very few people in her life who can...but she is not your responsibility. You may be her friend, but not her shrink, babysitter, or charitable institution.

    It was painful for me to leave an ex who was like this, but I knew deep inside that it was the right thing to do. I had to keep myself busy and not think about her and her situation. It's tough going against your natural instinct to help. After months of her hurting, crying, hinting suicide....she ended up fine and was able to move on.

    Do not stop let her stop from you being an awesome person. Do not let her keep you from doing something that you love and honestly believe in. If she really cares about you, she will support and be happy for you and your tour....and not have her be a dead weight to your path of success.
     
  20. Zeff

    Zeff OT Supporter

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    I think she knows it is coming, we had another bad phone coversation that ended with me basically saying that I love her but am not IN love with her. She freaked out and hung up. I called back and her mom answered, I talked to her for about an hour about things and how I felt. It was really weird because she started turning the conversation into something along the lines of my parents are brainwashing me and trying to tear me and her apart. I tried to explain things as best as I could to her mom but she didn't listen and kept going on about how true dedicated love is hard to find. I told her I understood that and that I was unhappy with their daughter. It was just really draining on me. I still feel like shit about things.
     
  21. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

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    Damn, bro. Sounds like her mother has no idea what's going on. Maybe you should take a "break" from all the phone calls and shit for a little while. Clear your head and focus on your recording/tours/whatever you guys are doing. You really don't need that extra shit right now. :sadwavey:

    I hope it works out for you, man. :hug:
     
  22. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    You are not 100% responsible for the current situation and neither is your g/f. You both have a share of the responsibility for where your relationship has ended up but it's no use trying to assign percentages of the blame. There's also no point in playing the blame game because people will just argue with your explanations.

    Her mom isn't being fair to you and unfortunately she doesn't sound like she's helping much. Brainwashing by your parents?? WTF :rofl: Ya know...your parents are doing what she's doing with her kid, trying to help them through a difficult time.

    I agree with kingtoad...perhaps it's best to just take a break for a couple of days. Take care of yourself during those days and try not to dwell on things.....just enjoy your travels as best you can.
     
  23. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Alright man, this is a harsh way of doing it, but I think it's the only way you will be able to do it.

    Call her. Say "I can't be with you with the way things are now." Hang up. Ignore further calls from her.

    Oh, and I'm sure her parents think nothing is wrong and that their daughter is truly in love with you, that you are "the one" for her, etc.
     
  24. bowrofl

    bowrofl New Member

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    :ugh: This is a horrible and extremely immature way of handling this situation.

    He just needs to attempt to explain how he feels to his SO. If she chooses to go crazy and ignore, then he has done what he could do and obviously can't do anymore but move on. It's a shitty situation and I was in a similar one when in HS :mamoru: but I broke up with her after the suicide threats and she was still alive... it's all for attention.
     
  25. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    I agree with the message but disagree with the delivery. If he calls her up and delivers this message now, two weeks (or whatever) before he gets home, she'll think he's acting in haste and out of anger, and she'll hold hope for the future. I think it's best that he waits til he can be there in person and deliver the message with finality.
     

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