SRS I think my gf is cheating on me. ver. together for 8 years

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by less_than_adam, Oct 11, 2005.

  1. less_than_adam

    less_than_adam New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2005
    Messages:
    151
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think my gf is cheating on me. ver. together for 8 years **6 months later update**

    ****6 months later update on last page******







    original post below

    I am surprisingly calm right now. My gf (technically fiance, we got engaged 6 months ago) and I have been together for 8 years. High school sweethearts. During that times we've had our ups and downs but nothing serious. We seemed to work pretty well because we were sort of oposites in many ways. She is a very driven person (type A personality all the way). She is currently finishing up her 3rd year of law school. I on the other hand am very laid back (boarder line slacker if you will). Even though I am 3 years older than her I am still working on finishing up my BA. Enough back ground.

    This summer she got a job at a law firm as a summer law clerk. She developed a major crush on her direct supervisor (I know this because she told me, we are open about stuff like this). I thought it was annoying but I trust her completely so it didnt really bother me too much. At the end of the summer we very nearly broke up. She said my lack of motivation was too much for her. We talked and decided to give it another chance and since then, I have made a genuine effort to be more motivated (regarding school and life in general).

    That was in August. Since then things have been a little on the tense side, but things seem to have been getting better. That brings us to about a week ago. In a shamefull moment I snooped in her email. I noticed a couple emails from that day from her old supervisor. (she accepted an offer to work their full time after she graduates fyi) It wasn't anything juicy or incriminating, but they obviously emailed back and forth pretty regularly. At this point I was getting suspitious. I checked it again the next day and noticed that all the emails from him were erased (but none of the other ones). At this point I do the lowest of the low and look through her call log on her cell. There are 4 calls to the supervisor in 1 day. At this point I need further proof because there could be a logical explanation for this. I log onto our online cell phone statement (we have a share plan). First of all I notice the password is different. It didnt take me long to figure it out though. Apparently they talk 5 or 6 times every day. Mostly they are only 1 minute calls. But every couple of days they talk for 45+ minutes. Sometimes there would be a 30 minute call from him, then a 1 minute call from me and another 30 minute call immediatly after. And she didn't say anything about being on the phone to me.

    I'm not sure if she is physically having a relationship with him or just emotionally. To be honest I'm not sure which one hurts more. Anywho I have 2 exams and 1 project due this week so I'm not sure when I'll talk to her about it. If you got this far thanks for reading. I just felt like talking to someone about it.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2006
  2. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    I guess if she had some professional reason to contact him you would know about it. Ouch. Sounds like you need to confront her about it. Maybe you should wait until after finals. Your call.
     
  3. Nightshade

    Nightshade New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2003
    Messages:
    1,109
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia
    so you have been dating, and you are highschool sweethearts, even though you were 3 years apart??

    go figure :hsugh: ...

    anyways, dude ... you are lucky to have had her around so long, and by the sounds of things, you need to look at your motivations ... however, seeing as you have been dating for 8 years, you have been doing something right, haven't you?? :naughty:

    otherwise she wouldn't have stayed, eh??

    anyways, no matter what anyone says, from this situation, and the fact that where you are presently in is a jam, and have been for awhile ...

    I think you really need to both sit down and reassess this relationship ...

    is it actually sexual?? or just emotional??

    cos if you think she is cheating, and you ain't getting no nooky, you are fucked!! :mepoke:
     
  4. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2004
    Messages:
    4,413
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NOVA
    Lemme tell you one thing - if you suspect, you are probably right.

    However, with that being said, stop snooping through her email and phone. If you are going to do that, you need to do it RIGHT. Either follow her one day (take a day off) or ask around.

    When my wife was cheating on me, I made friends with her co-workers. Then I started talking to one like we had broken up a while ago (but had not told anyone) and that I knew she was with the new guy. I pretended to be "mostly" okay with it, of course. So then I asked if she had seen my wife (well, "ex") with the new guy since we were all supposed to meet up. She said that she had left work early and gone to his house. I said, oh, I know, I was supposed to follow them there. Do you have directions?

    Sure enough she gave me directions. Sure enough she was there.

    End of story, I got a divorce with no challenges, no court battle, nothing.

    My personal take on this is that you need a new girlfriend. I am a lazy fuck and my wife was a A+ student and graduated Magna Cum Laude and as the honor roll and deans list at college. Me, I got a c- average. I've got a totally wonderful lazy girlfriend and we couldn't be happier!!! :big grin:
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Major life changes often bring about changes in other areas, existing relationships being one of the first things to go.

    Lots of doctors, lawyers, professional people dump their partner upon graduation, or soon after, when they change their everyday social context and start coming into regular contact with new people...and of course realizing they can now do better than you (in their mind anyway).

    Bad on you for snooping, but given the circumstances, it's totally understandable. And looking at some phone logs...well in the whole grand scheme of things, it's not that bad.

    So therefore, good on you for following up. So now that you have this information, what are you going to do?

    So, let's review.

    (1) She selectively erases only his email.
    Why? The ones you saw were innocuous. The ones you didn't see may have been more juicy, but probably not. Even though the actual text of the emails were probably not incriminating, in her mind, she knew she was carrying on something secretive, something illicit.

    So even if she provided a full transcript and it turned out to be super boring, it's irrelevant. The fact she is hiding her tracks tells you the emotional context surrounding those emails. It may not be visible on the page, but it's there.

    (2) She gets many frequent calls throughout the day.
    Many many short calls. This calling pattern only happens in either ending a love relationship/stalking (where attention is unwanted) or beginning a new love relationship (where attention is desired).

    So I think we've established that there is a personal, emotional connection between the two of them. As to whether it's become a physical relationship, we can't tell with the data you've supplied thus far.

    But anyways, it's almost moot anyways. Once you win their heart and mind (emotional), the body is a foregone conclusion. (Although my guess is that no, they have not slept together).

    So...let's assume this hadn't happened.
    What do you want? With whom do you want to be with?
    Assume for a moment that you aren't a borderline slacker, and would not continue being with her simply out of inertia or lack of effort in searching out a new partner.

    If you could custom design your partner...how close would she be to it?
    Ask yourself what YOU want. Decide if how closely she fits to that.
    Then determine whether this is worth saving or not. If you expended a lot of effort, I think it probably is savable.

    Although if she does not satisfy her curiosity now, I think in 3-6 years there will be a repeat occurance, with more serious consequences, esp. if you have children by then. This is actually a blessing in disguise.
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    I absolutely agree with this. You SHOULD wait until after finals.
    I know it will feel like shit and your mind will wander, but if you choose to confront now, it will blow up huge. You'll be completely fucked instead of only about 50% fucked.

    Up to you...if you can't wait, and it's really bad, might want to think about getting a medical dispensation. Gotta really tone up the acting skills, and/or have a family doctor you trust to write you that note.

    Wait till after finals when you have some time devote to handling the fallout.
    It'll take a while since you've been together for 8 years. Get ready for a shitty winter. It'll get better by spring/summer though. Make plans to go to Ft. Lauderdale in spring....
     
  7. less_than_adam

    less_than_adam New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2005
    Messages:
    151
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks for the responses everyone. If she was upfront about talking to him I would probably be ok with it (to a certain extent). But since she is trying to cover it up, that implies she believes what she is doing is wrong. I went back and looked up the dates on some of the calls. On Saturday and Sunday there were many calls to him. Several were well over an hour long. This just further convinces me that she is cheating. Why would a lawyer go into work on a Saturday and Sunday only to talk on the phone for an hour plus?

    I think I will probably confront her about it tonight. She has already asked me what is wrong(this morning). I told her that I am just stressed about school. I just can't act like everything is fine when this is on my mind. I'll try to update later this week.

    Thanks again for the help.
     
  8. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    Remember... hitting women may be okay. But hitting lawyers ISN'T.
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    How do you plan on revealing how you got the information?
    Are you going to say you snooped on her? Be wary that she could turn this into a thing where you're on the defensive over YOUR wrongdoing.

    You and she are both lawyers, you ought to know how the appearance of your misdeeds though minor can be used against you.

    I'd recommend to think a while on how you're going to approach this.
    I'm speaking as a therapist, not in the sense of how to confront her or force the information out of her.

    I would structure it as a session to talk first. Allow her the opportunity to talk about how she's doing. Give her a chance to come clean first.
    If indeed you want to continue this relationship, you can help it by being very reasonable and very calm.

    Resist the urge to be belligerent, I know it'll be hard cause inside you'll be screaming LIAR!
     
  10. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    I started to say something like that before the one-liner hit me. Don't come out and talk about the snooping. Ask her if she is okay with things... and talk about the relationship a bit. Then ask her if she's distracted by anything. If she's interested in other people. If she sees a future with you. If she's involved with someone else.

    If you go through all that step by step and she won't give in... then its time to call her on her bullshit with the evidence.
     
  11. less_than_adam

    less_than_adam New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2005
    Messages:
    151
    Likes Received:
    0
    Well, I'm not a lawyer, but she (almost) is. Also the guy whom I suspect she is cheating with is a lawyer. Ironically his area of focus is sexual harassment in the workplace. I'd like to give her the chance to come clean about it, but I'm not sure she will. She seems very comitted to keeping it behind my back. I guess I'll have to wait to hear her response before I know if it is worth salvaging the relationship. What ever I do, I wont be yelling and screaming. I just want to know the truth.
     
  12. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    I called someone out like this once. I was certain, too. I don't know what happened physically, but the impropriety was there in spades. She never, ever admitted it. I hated her for that, for so long.
     
  13. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    less_tha_adam, she is cheating. Is there any doubt? You hope of course that she hasn't, but she is. There is no other reason for her to be doing what she is doing. And if she hasn't already let him slip his snake into her cave, then she will soon. I wouldn't be surprised if she has kissed you shortly after blowing this guy. Sick! I'm not saying that to be mean to you, but I want you to be mad and understand that you have every right to be mad.

    The fact is that her interest level in you has been steadily decreasing for some time, and then a while back she informed you she had a crush on this other guy-and you were okay with it! Seriously bro, I don't care how open your relationship is, unless you're swingers this is not okay! At that point, you were as good as done. Sure she cares about you, you guys are friends, but you dont light her fire like this other guy does. How could it? She doesn't respect you, and I don't blame her for that-I only blame her for being a cheating bitch.
    You said it yourself, you are very slow paced and she is not. Already she doesn't respect your ambition and ability to seize the day, but even worse than that, she doesn't respect you because you don't have a backbone. If you had a backbone you wouldn't be okay with her having a crush on someone else and ignoring the implications that has on where your relationship has gone. It's good you tried to fire up your life and correct one problem, but you completely ignored the other problem, and that was her respect for you. Man, if my girlfriend told me that she had a crush on a guy at work-no matter how much I love her-I wouldn't tolerate it at all. Why? Because if she has this attraction to someone else then our relationship isn't what I want for myself. I don't want a girl that has crushes on other men, then I don't want her, I deserve better. Do you believe you deserve better too? Then don't tolerate this.

    I agree with the others about keeping the snooping on the DL, and I agree about waiting until after finals, but I hope you end this with her. You deserve someone who will love you exclusivley, and you should have enough self respect to persue such a woman, and not tolerate less than that. So when you do end it with her, make sure you mean it and make no compromises. I am 95% sure that once you put your foot down, show her that you a man and will not tolerate this kind of behavior from a partner of yours, that she will ditch this bozo and try to get you back. She won't be able to resist this man you've suddenly become, and she will say and do whatever she can to get you back. This is where the real test comes in for you. You cannot give in. If you give in to her, then all this shows her is that she still has you wrapped around her finger, and in fact, she has you wrapped around her so badly that she can even cheat on you and still get you back. If you respect yourself you will not let this happen. Very few people will cheat on their partner if they truly love and respect them, and to truly love and respect them then that person needs to respect themselves enough to ditch the bitch if the cheating happens. If she truly thought that you would be a man, have self respect, and ditch her over this cheating, then she probably wouldn't even have done it. Instead, she doesn't respect you, so it's easier for her to risk everything you have built on this bozo. Is this the kind of woman you want? Is this the kind of relationship that you want? No.

    So now, what are you going to do?
     
  14. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    Jesus... is it really neccessary to paint the post-blowjob kiss picture? I mean... yes, to me it sounds like she fucked him during her internship and then felt guilty after the breakup and came back. Sometimes girls will describe fantasies like that to rid themselves of the guilt of carrying them out. And now its starting again, and she'll break up with him again. She's never tasted another cock before this guy's. She's DYING to know what the others taste like.

    But... dude, is this really the time for tough love?

    Maybe we're wrong. Maybe she hasn't layed a finger on him and its only an emotional attachment. Still inappropriate, but I don't think the imagery serves any good here, do you? Maybe there's no such thing as truth when it comes to people fucking other people. Maybe nobody ever really KNOWS what happened, when, to whom, or why. Maybe the truth of the situation is what the couple decides on after the talk he's about to have... and thats as close to the truth as they ever, ever get no matter how hard they try.

    Okay, rant triggered.
     
  15. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Hi and Thanks for calling 1-900-LOVE-BITES. Here are the odds for this week's tragedy.

    2:1 she'll cave in, she'll admit wrongdoing, she'll feel guilty. She's bothering to hide it from you, she knows the impropriety of it all. She'll feel torn and try to renounce this. Try but fail. In the coming weeks or months, it will unravel.

    3:1 she'll cave in and get defensive over the fact that you too are guilty of snooping. She'll get angry and turn it against you. She feels badly over it, but can't turn away. In the coming weeks, it will unravel.

    10:1 she hates on you for snooping, she has the unusual reaction of being outraged that you invaded her privacy, totally brushing aside the infidelity.

    She splits in the next few days and weeks. She feels relieved that she no longer has to hide. She delivers a final scathing speech about how this guy is "going places", about how you're a slacker. The word "shiftless" makes its appearance several times. The word "loser" remains unsaid but hangs like pall over everything that's transpired. You go out and eat several chili dogs.
     
  16. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    Wash em down with Lager. And get that song off the net, 'Everybody plays the fool... sometimes. No exception to the rule,' all that.
     
  17. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Statements like this are never totally innocent. NEVER.

    I just heard one the other day, about some guy who was the total package, everything EXCEPT looks. I smirked upon hearing it, and questioned her. She denies ANY interest in the guy. Har har...

    It's quite amusing when people become as transparent as glass.
     
  18. less_than_adam

    less_than_adam New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2005
    Messages:
    151
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks for the responses guys and gals. You tell it like it is, which hurts like a mofo but I need to hear. On the plus side I have an exam in 19 minutes. :wtc:
     
  19. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    Get the fuck off OT, take a shower to clear your head, and go.
     
  20. less_than_adam

    less_than_adam New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2005
    Messages:
    151
    Likes Received:
    0
    I am in the computer lab 'trying' to do some last minute cramming. I didnt get much studying done though.
     
  21. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    Backup Plan: Drink of Water!
     
  22. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    I think it is well past time. Is it possible that she didn't physically cheat yet? Yes, but if she hasn't she soon will. Does that matter? No, cheating is cheating and what she is doing behind her fiance's back is more than enough to ditch her IMO. At the very least he needs to seriously put his food down and say, This (enter description) is the type of relationship I want, and if you are going to be wanting other men and keeping your interactions secret from me, then this is not what I want and you can let the door hit your ass on your way out."

    I believe a truly healthy and loving relationship is founded on 3 things:

    1) Self respect
    2) Trust
    3) Love

    (in no particular order)

    This guy is lacking in lacking in all of those area's. Something needs to be done, and you cannot change someone else. All you can do is make a change toward the positive for yourself. In his case this would be to respect himself and settle for nothing less than what HE wants. If he wants a true relationship then it's not likely to be found here. If it could work out, then he needs to be a man and not a pushover who will tolerate a partner cheating on him/disrespecting him in the worst way.
     
  23. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    I'm confused, were you agreeing with me or disagreeing? Ha ha!
     
  24. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite

    totally agreeing dude.

    As for Adam, yeah, go clear your head, drink some coffee or Coke, run around the block to blow off a bit of nervous energy. Don't go straight into tht exam, you won't be able to focus properly. Do something to change up your mindset.
     
  25. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    I was agreeing too... I just didn't think anyone needed to spell it out RIGHT BEFORE AN EXAM :)
     

Share This Page