My whole life I've been a complete fuck up. I always did shitty in school, I can't get or keep a fucking job. I can never concentrate on anything. I hate life in general and I've always had suicidal thoughts ever since I was 14. I'm 21 years old now and I can't stand life. But then at times I love life and want to live it. I want to enjoy it and make something great of it. My girlfriend and I live together. I love the girl but then half the time I somehow convice myself that I fucking hate her, she was a big mistake, wished she didn't exsist to me. All these horrible things I feel and think just aren't normal. Some days I wake up estatic ready to start my day off and do something productive with my life. And then there's other days where I wake up and I just feel and think like I don't want to live anymore. I'm always hoping I don't wake up from my sleep. I can't bare to see another day. I sometimes wish I can just fucking die so I won't have to live this piece of shit life. Everything is fucking money, chaos, tragedy. Life just isn't worth living for. See but then at times I really think it is worth living for and I think about marrying my girlfriend and having kids, being wealthy and living good. But then that thought turns around and goes to shit. I have these really really awful mood swings. One day I'll be happy and out going, friendly, etc. Then the next day I'll be fucking pissed off and depressed. I won't talk to anyone, i'll start puching holes into my walls, I'll start treating my girlfrend, family, friends like shit. None of my family members, friends or girlfriend know that I'm like this. I tend to hide it pretty good. Living like this fucking sucks. How the fuck can I get help. what do I do? who do I go too?