SRS I think I really need some help (relationship related)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by phogen, Mar 17, 2005.

  1. phogen

    phogen Education is a progressive discovery of our own ig

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    Some of this is embarassing for me to post, but I'm just gonna lay it all out there.

    I haven't been in a relationship (or had sex) for almost 4 years. I'm a very introverted individual, and just spent this time pretty much alone (with a lot of porn and masturbation).

    Recently I found a girl that I really had a connection with, and she was very interested in me. She even said that she thought I could be her soul mate. We started dating, and have been fairly serious for about 3 months now. After not have sex for 4 years, it was a very scary thing for me to start a sexual relationship again.

    Needless to say our attempts at sex (or lack there of) have just about killed this relationship. We've been VERY close to having sex twice, but after having a raging hard on for hours before that, as soon as it comes down to do the deed, my little man goes limp. I've even been inside her, but had to stop because i felt like I was gonna cum real quick. I really think this is all psychological, but it is killing the relationship. The last time we spent the night together, we had a really great time kissing and what not, but I was to nervous/scared to try and take it to sex.

    Now it seems we have lost all affection for each other (especially her to me), and through a conversation tonight (we do have really good communication) it was basically boiled down to her not wanting to start affection because she knows it's not going to go anywhere. She says that if we would have never tried to take it to the next level, it would still be ok that we haven't had sex, but the fact that we tried, and it didn't work out makes it the way it is.

    This is just killing me that this has seemed to destroy the relationship with the only girl i've been able to attempt to love in the past 4 years. I'm just extremely depressed that all affection in the relationship was lost, and she even said that "right now" it just feels like we're friends.

    I don't know what to do to try and get her to feel that longing affection for me again. Part of me thinks we should just fuck each other's brains out, but I think she'll feel that if we do that now, it will just be to try and get the affection back. Another part of me thinks I should just let her go, and she if she really does care for me.

    I'm 23 btw, and she's 19. Sometimes I think she's a little immature, and it's possible that subconsciously i'm a little apprehensive to enter a sexual relationship with her, but that might just be an excuse I tell myself. I'm not gay (as some people might accuse) and she definitely turns me on, and I can turn her on, but so far we haven't had a successfull sexual experience.

    I just don't know what to do I guess. Feel free to ask me anything about the situation, I'm willing to be completely open about it.



    cliffs: No gf for 4 years. Find a girl I like/love. Sex doesn't work out (tried twice). Affection is lost. What do I do now.


    :sadwavey:
     
  2. Juvenall

    Juvenall What Would Juvie Do?

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    From the sounds of it, your problems are caused by what's known as performance anxiety.

    http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/sexpedia/performance.html

    In short, you're working yourself up so much for this, it's causing problems with your erection. Adding to the problem is the natural feeling of "What the hell is wrong with me?" that tends to follow a problem.

    Finally, this can lead to her feeling like you may not be intrested in her. That pushes her away, which can push you away, which can make your performance anxiety even worse.

    The key to getting over this is working together. If she really is your soul mate, then you need to flat out talk with her about it. Explain what you think the cause is and slowly work on rebuilding your confidence "in the sack".
     
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

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    23 and 19 huh? Ok then. My prescription for you is simple (it'd be different if you told me you and she were 14 and 12)

    Figure out how you feel about her. Figure out what kind of relationship you want.
    Think about what you WANT. All the machinations and complex strings of he said/she said/he thinks/she thinks is kind of irrelevant at this point.

    Instead consider what you WANT out of this relationship. Do you want her? Do you think she could be a soulmate for you?

    If so then, really put effort into sweeping her off her feet. I'm talking make sweet passionate love to her. Just do it. And then do it again. And again. And again.

    Now for part 2 of this.

    You're going to have to consider her angle on this. She said you might be her soulmate? Really. Kinda shallow and/or selfish behaviour on her part, don't you think? Maybe you're her soulmate, but is she yours? Think about that for a minute.

    She's turned off just because of two "failed" lovemaking attempts? Exactly what went wrong here? You don't have to go into details, but basically, did Peter not show up?

    You mention you're afraid of prematurely blowing the wad. The only real cure for that is to keep practicing. So what..go ahead, blow your wad. At 23, you should be ready to go again in about 15 minutes. Spend that time attending to her.

    Anyways, some more details from you, and we can go about fixing this situation. (Or try to anyways).
     
  4. phogen

    phogen Education is a progressive discovery of our own ig

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    I really think this is what happened. Prior to the 3-4 years of sexual abstinence, I was in a 4 year relationship and had GREAT sex. All the time off just seemed to have given me some anxiety when it came down to it. Added to the fact that since we go to school kind of far away, there are only a few set days that we can have sex, so it's more of a scheduled opportunity, than a spontanious thing.

    None of this really matters though, except the fact that we need to have sex for this relationship to work. If i have performance anxiety on the next try, not only will the relationship be over, but I don't know how I'll be able to continue on.



    As for what I want. I just want us to be like the way we were the first month or so of the relationship. We were really infatuated (sp?) with each other. I also want us to have a health sexual relationship. I really want this to work out, because I really do like this girl. And i think we could be each others soul mate....if that's possible.
     
  5. Juvenall

    Juvenall What Would Juvie Do?

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    Ahh, I see the problem with a distance thing. In that case, it may help to actually talk with her and take things a little slow. Try a little (more) foreplay to get things warmed up or simply insted of sex.

    See, part of the problem in these cases is you just become so uncomfortable (either with yourself, the act or both) that your mind sorta locks up and stops sending the right messages in responce to the elevated stress levels. If you can build up more confidence in what's going on, you'll be more likley to perform.

    So like I said, it's all a matter of working with her. If she's really the right woman for you, that won't be a problem. A great relationship is built on good communication and a respect for the other. It may be an early, but there's not better time to build this then by working through the problem together.
     
  6. phogen

    phogen Education is a progressive discovery of our own ig

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    Foreplay isn't the problem. We were working up to it real well. I would have an erection for a good hour, but the second I would go in for the sex, I would loose it.
     
  7. HyTymez

    HyTymez New Member

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    dude i can go on and on about this topic....so many angles to approach this. To make it short....first off, it looks like your priorities are a little off. If your looking for "love", than sex isnt everything...is a part of it, but not the beef of it. Reverse the situation....what if the girl was "your sole mate", and she cummed as soon as your ding dong went in...would you drop her cuz of it. If you really cared about her and even loved her...youd find a way to work something out. If you think she feels that way way about it...than that isnt "true love". Most likely she just wants the ass just as much as you. And if thats all she wants, than thats not what your looking for. Dont get emotionally attached, unless you know it will lead to something. Gut instinct...its either there or its not. Sole mates are understanding.

    secondly, about the one minute man issue, I think youre just excited that you actually have another person present/there/touchable in bed other than Rosie Palmala, causing the premature satisfaction. Once you get over the fact that "this is a real girl", you should be good. Touching the real thing and touching yourself isnt the same sensation. Give it alitte time, and the thought of "oh my goodness...im getting real ass" will pass. If that doesnt work...go to GNC and try some herbal stamina type pills. Theres also those exercises (coagol (sp?)) that will also help. Helps you control the main muscle that contracts when you nut. Do a couple hundred a day...than BAM she'll fell the difference after awhile. Good luck bro.
     
  8. phogen

    phogen Education is a progressive discovery of our own ig

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    I'm actually not just looking for sex at all, and neither is she. It does seem that sex is an important part of a good relationship/love though. And it seems that our few failed attempts has caused the attraction to die down a lot.

    And premature isn't really the problem, it's loosing an erection as soon as we're about to have sex. And then the next time we were all hot and heavy I never made the move to go for the sex, because I was worried it wouldn't turn out good.

    Most likely all will be fine and well as soon as we see each other, and we will work through this just fine. We're just at a difficult inbetween stage right now. But I guess it has opened up communication about it, so maybe it's good.
     

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