SRS I think i have a problem

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by wpgsilvia, Mar 14, 2005.

  1. wpgsilvia

    wpgsilvia New Member

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    I cannot blame anyone but myself. I chose to start and i don't know how to stop.

    I was a straight-edge guy, my friends got me drunk maybe twice before i turned 20. i have a college certificate in Electronics, but it never was utilized. i worked 10-12 hour days at an assembly line. I never really liked alcahol, i knew that i didn't need it's help for anything. Then i started working for the federal government. lots of stress. more than i've ever been used to. People there are 99% alcaholics, and 1% pot smokers.

    anyway fast forward a couple years. my fiancee gets confused and wants time off our relationship. we had ups and downs, but this was stress through the roof! i basically took this high stress job with the government because her mother wanted me to. and she wanted me to. i loved her so much, and it ripped so much away from me. i felt betrayed, and lost.

    I didn't like the alcahol, but i had access to mary jane. so i started smoking every few days, after work with some friends, weekends with my cousin. it really took the nerves off things going on at work. i had a well paying, yet dead-end job, full of politics that i just don't understand.

    My fiancee wants a second chance. we work things thru, and by fall that year i tell her what's been going on with my life and the drugs. i decide i will go to counselling at work to see why i'm so stressed.

    after only a few sessions time, i've 'exceeded' the free counselling at work. my counsellor wants me to come in regularly and maybe some drugs like prozac or zoloft will help with my mood. I know people on those drugs. they're zombies or worse, happy lil robots. I decide to stick to the MJ. i've been disappointed yet again with the politics thru work.

    i've tried other outlets, and in some degree they've helped. but the one recreation i loved most, was martial arts. and its a sore spot now. what happened the first time when my fiancee broke up with me was she started seeing a guy in our kung fu class behind my back. for about half a year i noticed he'd been advancing on her, and she'd make suttle suggestions on how to make myself more (for the lack of a better term) "chinese". i'm 1/2 filippino. she's full chinese. anyway, all my effort wasn't good enough to hold her. I'm still angry, i can't feel better about it, almost 3 years later.

    I feel there's a sea between us now. and i can't feel the magnetism that we had 9 years ago.

    fast forward to this year. 4 years after becoming a chronic abuser. still with the same girl, but i'm back in college doing something i really love. autobody. even better, i quit smoking drugs from september to december. in february, most of my finals were done, and work with the government started again in the evenings. it wasn't a week before i needed to buy a G or two off a friend. that fuckin place drains the spirit out of you and just leaves spite, and anger.

    i'm going to quit that job and never look back. but should i kick this habit too? i don't know if i feel like i need it, especially when i'm happy, like the 5 months that i was in school. i would put it down for a couple months then pick up whenever i felt like just getting high. play vids on it, watch a movie, or debate cars with people.

    i've decided to give that job the boot. i'll be finished autobody in 14 weeks.
    undecided on the drugs.
    undecided on the girl.

    thoughts?
     
  2. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    Its up to you to decide whether you think your habit is impacting your life. The fact that you came in here to make a post on the subject leads me to believe you're probably already considering that it might be time to quit. It's a personal choice though.

    In my opinion, maybe you should continue to seek professional help for the depression... or maybe your depression is caused by your drug habit?
     
  3. wpgsilvia

    wpgsilvia New Member

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    no, it's anger management, actually. i've been in an angry state since i was in my teens. never did drugs before my 20s. if anything, i keep smoking pot to keep me from getting angry at everything.

    edit: you may or may not feel this sometimes, but say you're ticked off at another driver, you may forget about it once you're out of the car. a person like me cannot let go. sometimes i can't fathom how ignorant, mean, careless, selfish, insensitive or whatever people are and i just won't let it go. I want the world to change. but i can't change it. and it's so frustrating.
     
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2005
  4. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    I'd try to pick up another activity to release stress like the martial arts. Try running, collecting music, yoga, or whatever interests you. Maybe you could take a course on anger management. In our meetings, we have say the serenity prayer which goes:

    God, grand me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

    I'm not sure if you believe in a Higher Power or not, but give this a try when you are feeling frustrated at the world.
     
  5. wpgsilvia

    wpgsilvia New Member

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    that is a good quote. it hangs in the bathroom at my mom's place actually. I stopped being a believer in the church, but i still have faith. It provides help sometimes, but sometimes it's just overridden by this spite i have. but you know, when i quit my job yesterday, i've been smiling since. i slept well for the first time in 3 weeks, finally had a solid shit, and i haven't yelled at people in my car yet.

    I think i'll get back into my old workout program. i'm always sober for the duration, and i feel good mentally, and physically.

    well, here's a question: is MJ ok for recreation? sometimes i like to kick back and get into a good FPS game while stoned. just zoned in for hours. i don't need to play like that, but i definitely enjoy doing it.
     
  6. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    I'm not going to condone any kind of drug usuage, however, there are people who use drugs (pot more than others) who enjoy it and don't have any problems with addiction. However, I've seen countless individuals whom weed has become a problem for. In addition, in the states it's illegal, and I'm not up to date on the legal situation in Canada. It's really a personal choice, you are the only one who can decide if you want to use drugs or if drugs have become a problem for you. I'm only here to show you how to get help if they do. :)
     
  7. wpgsilvia

    wpgsilvia New Member

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    thanks alot for the replies. they've really helped.
     

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