SRS I really need to get this off of my chest

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Clancer, Apr 30, 2009.

  1. Clancer

    Clancer New Member

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    Over the past few years, Ive come to realize that my life needs some serious adjustments and there are some things that I need to tell/type out to anyone that will listen to what is going on in my head. Its long and complicated, but heres whats going on (tl;dr version at the bottom):

    Im 20, a sophomore in college. When I was 12, I watched my dad die in the hospital of pneumonia, which resulted from the cancer he had for the past 7 years. Me and my dad were really close and its something that I will never forget. I think from that point on something inside me changed. I used to be really wild as a kid and get in trouble at school all the time, but from then on, I started to slow down. We moved from AZ to TX 2 years later, I was basically a loner throughout highschool, and I was (and still am, but not to those extremes) socially awkward and really quiet. My computer was my escape, and over the years I have learned so much and found things I love in life. But it took a major toll on my life.

    Fast forward to now after years of being on the computer for 10+ hours almost every day, and my life is going to total shit. I feel like Ive developed severe social anxiety, because I get unexplainable fear of talking to people at times and start to slur my words and act unnaturally. Ive never had a girlfriend, never had sex, never kissed a girl, because Id rather come to the computer and just stay there. Im not ugly, girls and OP have told me Im/cute hot, but Im too shy and socially incompetent to do anything about it. Im actuallly worried that some of my family thinks Im gay since Ive never had a girlfriend, which adds to the pressure. The only reason Im not a loner is because I have 3 true friends that I met by chance, and sometimes I hoestly would rather be on the internet than be with them.

    What Im really trying to ask is, wtf do I do to get myself away from the computer and be socially "normal"? Ive tried banning myself, stopping cold turkey, etc, and I always come back. My grades are shitty right now, my self esteem is terrible, and I feel like Im starting to hate everything around me and everything about myself. The only things that keep me going are my dreams of the future and music. Sometimes I realize how much I have going for me and the potential I have, but then something happens to where I feel worthless again and just come back to the computer for 12 hours. I feel like right now my life is in limbo, I have no clear idea if in 5 years I'll be living a really good life with a good degree, good job, and a good social life or just become a worthless, loner college dropout. I want to do so much in life, but I just dont have any drive to do what I want. There is so much shit I regret doing/not doing in life that sometimes I just feel like I am just destined to fail and have no purpose. And socially its become so bad that sometimes I think I am seriously slightly retarded because of some of the really bizarre things I do when Im nervous around people.

    tl;dr version: I feel like shit and I think the internet is both my escape and source of my problems. wtf do I do? But if you read all I typed then please give me some sort of suggestions :hs:
     
  2. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I'll keep this short. I don't think "you're" the problem per se -- like, I don't think you've tried to go down this path.

    I think your father's death is significant, that it left a massive hole that you haven't recovered from.

    I think you need some relatively short term counseling, perhaps 6 months, maybe a little more depending on how you respond.

    A lot of this is depression from what I can see, and it's rooted in that early experience. To move through it, you'll need help feeling it fully, and understanding how to cope with the grief of not only losing your father the way you did, but also losing the time "after" he passed, that you would have had with him. Having a male role model is really important for self-image, and for support.
     
  3. vizyn

    vizyn New Member

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    I'd agree with this. I suffered from social anxiety and a chronic low grade depression in high school. I used the internet / computer games as my escape. I neglected my friends who never gave up on me, which I'm thankful for. I went and got some counseling for about 6 months towards the end of high school, got perscribed some anti-anxiety medication (which helped, but I didn't need to stay on it for very long), and came out of my shell in college.

    The social anxiety is so intimidating but overcoming it isn't really all that hard, and you seem to have a decent self-image which was something I was lacking. Try getting involved in something you're interested in.. put yourself in situations where the pressure to socialize is eased by an activity or something.. for me it was intramural sports/clubs.
     
  4. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    I also do not think you are completely the problem. I do not know what to say to advise you on what to do, but i was in a similar situation as yourself. I have a few years on you, so I am at a further stage.


    I lived at home with my parents in college. When I was a sophomore in college I changed majors, to one that was geared at a bunch of studying. I went to a school that was a tiny school and did not attract many college age kids. It was mostly older people going back to get a better degree. Anyways, there was not much to do, all my classmates spent a lot of time studying, and I found it easy and no challenge to it. I slowly got heavily addicted to using my computer 15-20 hours a day if possible. I seriously slept 3-4 hours a night max, normally 1-2 hours. I never thought about anything but the computer. I played a bunch of online games. I was pretty much similar to a heroin addict. The problem was, that my mother was completely against me playing computer games, and games on consoles my entire life. I was naturally inclined to enjoy games, and now I realize that playing games actually makes me a better person in social settings.


    So anyways what happened was, because of my mothers attitude my entire life, I was convincing myself that I was not at all addicted to the games, when I really was. I am not sure, but I think the denial was a way to try to please her.Denial is a very powerful emotion and dangerous. I forced myself to move away from home when I got out of college. I moved 400 miles north and did not have a job. I was forced to quit computer games due to inability to pay for internet service at home. I finally got a good solid job, and now have Internet at home. And I started playing games again. But now, I do not deny any possible addiction, if anything I embrace it. If I feel like playing for 10 hours non-stop, then I do. I always consider that games are always going to be there when you return, so if possible get out, explore the world because the computer and the games are always there.

    Why are you afraid or upset that you have never had sex, kissed a girl, or had a g/f? Have your family told you to your face that you seem gay? I doubt it. It is probably all you overanalyzing it all.


    Tell me what would be wrong with living your entire life never having done some things such as kissing a girl, having sex, having a relationship?

    Some people spend their entire life and never do things like go to space. If doing these things are meant to happen, then let them, if not then what is the use of putting un-needed pressure on yourself?

    You have to choose to be a loner- It is incredibly easy to make friends. I myself choose to be a loner, and I can easily make a ton of friends, it is not hard. I have never had sex or been in a serious relationship, but for me I would rather find someone that I want to be with or have sex with as opposed to feeling obligated to just committing the act just to say i have done it. If i do it just to do it, then that sucks, I could end up with a horrible relationship, all for what? sex? not worth it to me
     
  5. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    I've personally noticed a lot higher levels of depression like feelings after spending lots of time on the computer. Like others have mentioned, therapy (and maybe medication) can get you on the right path to feeling better about yourself so that you can enjoy the computer responsibly or avoid it completely if that's what you decide to do.

    It just takes work to get past that "what am I gonna do?" point!
     
  6. Divine Vengeance

    Divine Vengeance New Member

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    longer than I thought, but whatever:

    I was in a similar situation in high school. Nobody close to me died, but the people who I thought were my best friends ended up being the opposite of that and it really screwed me up for a while. Piling up being sick all the time after having mono and I got to the point in the last years of high school where my social anxiety was so bad that I couldn't even think about going to school without the onset of migranes or stomach cramps. My grades suffered, I ended up having to have tutors sent to my house for a couple months instead of going to class, the works.

    Needless to say, in this time, the internet and my friends there were my solution to dealing with the high school social scene. Before my downward spiral into anxiety, I'd built up a large group of friends online that I'd done various things with, either playing games or running websites. I'd never met any of them, and most of them were older. But the thing was, having friends in this medium was (for me) a better choice than dealing with people's bullshit in school. I didn't have anything to prove to these guys, I didn't have to try to be cool or follow some sort of code to be included, the entire relationship between them and me was based upon content and conversation.

    Like you, I ended up being on the internet all day doing various things. I was worried too that I was addicted or that having friends that I've never met wasn't good for me, but in both taking some time to meditate on my own issues and talking to a psychologist, I started to realize that I benefited so much more by my choice in friends and that I wasn't addicted to being on the computer - it was just my way of making friends and improving myself. The internet was my equivalent to the mall or anywhere else that my high school peers would go to socialize. After a while I embraced the fact that I am, indeed, a nerd and if people think its weird or stupid, they're not people I want to associate with.

    My social anxiety dissolved once I got a grip on the fact that I don't HAVE to be liked and I don't feel the need to surround myself with a bunch of "friends" that I have nothing in common with, just for the sake of saying I have a social life. I'm the kind of person who is comfortable just hanging out by myself and would rather be around other people in small doses while having the ability to say "alright, I feel I've socialized enough now, see you guys later." I still have a small group of five or six people I try to hang out with, but I don't force myself into being uncomfortable because of some idealized norm. When I approach a social situation now like class or clubs, I still get a little anxious, but for me it boils down to the fact that "this is me, if you dont like it, I don't need to prove anything to you." Once you get a grip on being comfortable with yourself, socializing with your peers and picking up a girl will come back naturally.

    I deferred my college acceptance for two years over this stuff and have gone through (still am, heh) the same anxiety about what I'm doing with my life and where I'll be - but you should separate that concern from your social development. Not having any idea what you're doing isn't a symptom of being awkward, its a symptom of going to college and realizing that growing up sucks. Furthermore, remember that you are only twenty. While you might feel old when you look back at how quickly high school went by and how close you are to being on your own its easy to think that you've wasted your life but in all honesty, your life has only just started. It sounds cliche, but you'll realize it soon enough.

    If you want to talk about it, send me a PM and I'll give you my contact info. It sounds like you're where I was not too long ago.
     
  7. Deadhead9150

    Deadhead9150 Banned

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    Reading your post is like looking in a mirror. :hs: If you'd like to talk in further detail please PM me. I was holding my dads hand when he died and I was 10 and your talk about being a loner and the internet being your escape, that sounds just like me. That is seriously something I would write. Every bit of it.
     
  8. HipHopHead

    HipHopHead Well-Known Member

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    I have a love/hate relationship with the internet also. I've wasted so many years on this fuckin site it's pathetic. If my friends only knew... :hs:
     

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