SRS I really hate it when women back off and lurk for weeks at a time.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by deusexaethera, Jun 23, 2009.

  1. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    It would be annoying enough by itself, but with my personal history I can't help but think that one of two things are happening:

    1. they're having imaginary conversations with me in their minds, and maybe their imaginary 'me' is shooting himself in the balls;
    2. I said something that doesn't line up with their imaginary vision of 'the perfect me' and now they hate me;

    It's really quite unnerving. :noes:

    Besides, the instinct to pull away and see if any other females are attracted to me really doesn't work so well in the modern world where the various women I know have never once actually met each other.
     
  2. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    you have issues.
     
  3. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    I know I have issues; that's why I'm posting in The Asylum.

    This is the sort of thing that happens when someone grows up with a psychotic parent, even if they're a high-functioning psychotic -- they learn to assume that silence isn't just silence, it's foreboding. I know what's going on, I've figured out which of my behaviors are coping mechanisms, but unlearning them and learning to assume "a cigar is just a cigar", as it were, is extremely difficult, especially in a vacuum of healthy experiences.

    It would be easier if I were better with the women, though, because then I could just go out with several in quick succession and let each one keep my mind off the others. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I've got a couple I've got my eye on, and I spend time with them here and there, but it's not nearly as much as I'd like. Even in casual relationships, I prefer the "crash-course" method of getting to know someone, kind of like what happens between college roommates; I'm a child of the military, so I'm used to moving around and basically handing people a verbal Curriculum Vitae about myself to see who's going to like me as quickly as possible.

    When you combine my past experiences with my crazy mom with my preference for relationships that develop quickly, it's pretty easy to see how the normal touch-and-go testing-the-waters method of dating drives me up the fucking wall.
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2009
  4. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2008
    Messages:
    755
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    maybe they back off and lurk for weeks because.....




    they are going after someone else, and using you as the backup plan just in case :eek3:
     
  5. saosko

    saosko OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2009
    Messages:
    6,540
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tampa
    Wtf is this thread about?
     
  6. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    or because they dont' "prefer the "crash-course" method of getting to know someone" and don't want "a verbal Curriculum Vitae about (someone)"



    I know if I found out everything about a girl on the first date, there probably wouldn't be a second.
     
  7. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I think you have become a victim of the paranoid, and this is exactly something you should not be. Its the classic 'what if aliens of a higher lifeform are constantly staring at everything that i do?" so what? The solution is to make a distinguishment between things that 'you can control in life' and 'things you cannot control in life' , hurricanes, earthquakes, aliens watching , these horrible things may all happen and you have no control over it, if you have no control over it you might as wel stop worrying about it because you are not going to change a thing by worrying, rather focus on the things in life that you CAN change, and that are in control , that way you can actually offer influence and a solution.
     
  8. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2008
    Messages:
    755
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    yea i tried that crash course mess. it is never going to work for you. good luck!
     
  9. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    That's fine; who am I to say they can't talk to anyone else if they're even casually considering dating me? Hell, maybe they're just busy with other stuff, I don't know. And it's the not knowing that pulls the tripwire, because when I was growing up, unexpected silence was very, very bad, and I had to try to figure out what she imagined I was doing wrong and how I could fix it. Hell, the actual hitting was easier to deal with, because I could see and hear it coming.

    I forgot an important part of the equation. Not only did silence used to mean she was deciding whether I was a bad person (mistakes were very often attributed to character flaws instead of mere carelessness), but if I tried to fix whatever I (or the imaginary 'me' in her head) did wrong, I would get told "you've done enough already" and I would be sent away.

    She did that to my brother exactly one time, and she got hit for it. My father saw it too, and he was so shocked he did nothing. It never happened again.
     
  10. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'm not saying it's for everyone, I'm just saying it's my preferred approach. The best relationships I've had were the kind where we stayed up all night just talking about shit the first time we met.

    I could deal with other ways of getting to know someone, if I didn't have such ridiculous learned behaviors associated with women who don't keep me informed of what they're thinking about at all times. (yes, that would be damn near all of them, I'm aware.)
     
  11. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    I agree with what you're saying, but you're oversimplifying the problem. It's not just that there are things I can control and things I can't, I can accept that. I can't even anticipate what my mother is going to do when something sets her off, nor can I be certain what is going to set her off, nor can I even be certain the thing that sets her off is even real (i.e. my fault) in the first place.

    I can see a hurricane coming and get out of the way, I can know I live in an earthquake zone and buy a strong house, but what I'm talking about is like a hurricane that suddenly appears fully-formed directly above your house, rips it apart, then disappears, and nobody even believes you because it never showed up on the radar. If you met my mother in a public place, you'd never have any idea, not even a hint that she can go totally dark-side-of-the-moon without warning.

    I know on a rational level that most women aren't like that (men don't seem to be included in this generalization, because I got along quite well with my father), but the instinct to assume the worst when I don't know otherwise -- that's a tough nut to crack.
     
  12. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2005
    Messages:
    4,894
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Indiana/Minnesota
    How much time exists between relationships that you have?
     
  13. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    I've spent about a year and a half involved in what I would consider "significant" relationships, i.e. being a couple in all the normal ways. That's roughly six months apiece, spanning the time from late 2000 to the present. There have been other relationships that did not go anywhere meaningful.

    Once I get into a relationship and there's enough trust built up that I can reliably expect them to tell me what's on their mind, everything is fine. It's when I don't know what's going on that I get all weird.
     
  14. saosko

    saosko OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2009
    Messages:
    6,540
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tampa
    How about you stop worrying and just go with the flow.
     
  15. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    Obviously that's the goal, Cleatus; it's not as simple as just snapping my fingers and decades of unhealthy experiences vanish overnight.
     
  16. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2008
    Messages:
    755
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas

    true it never vanishes overnight. Everytime you find yourself doing what you just described, stop yourself. then after enough time has passed where you stop yourself, then you will have learned new :dunno:
     
  17. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    That's what I'm doing, but I've spent the past four years single or just barely involved with someone, and I'm getting sick of it, so it's just that much more frustrating because I'm not the sort of person who takes anything on faith, and I want to see some damned results from all the work I've been doing to myself lately.

    Anyway, I was just bitching about stuff.
     
  18. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    Talked to both of them this morning; sure enough, they were busy. One was hunting down some new roommates and the other just had a lot of work. I knew that's all it was, I even knew ahead of time the one had the roommate thing going on. On a rational level, everything adds up just fine. I just wish I could more easily suppress the anxiety reflex I've developed over the years, and not have to reprimand myself every few minutes for instinctively wondering what I might have done wrong to piss them off. But hell, at least I know what I need to change about myself, that's better than nothing.

    Stupid parents. :hsd:
     
  19. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2006
    Messages:
    4,153
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    :hs:

    Been there, still there. My parents would temporarily practically disown me if I ever did anything wrong, and the list of what wasn't wrong was pretty short, so I was always left guessing. Then they would just act as if everything is back to normal. No explanation, no apology, nothing. I've managed to repair a lot of the damage to the point where I don't feel like murdering every human being I see but I am still a long way from feeling safe and secure in a relationship.
     
  20. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    You know, another irritating thing is pretty much any time I meet a girl I like, things go along well and then they suddenly cool off, and I sense a change in their personality. I just realized it's probably me that's doing that. I mean, I already know I have a tendency to extrapolate unknown parts of someone's personality based on the parts I do know, and to fill in the gaps with parts of my mother's personality (which is a fantastically bad idea that I've been fighting for months now), all of which requires massive amounts of brain activity -- but it just clicked that the cooling-off I'm picking up on is probably just a change in my own brain chemistry as I learn more about them and I don't feel compelled to guess as much anymore.

    God damn it, I wish I didn't have such a thinking problem. At least I have strong Belgian beer on my side; a couple of those will make me stare at the wall and like it.
     
  21. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    Nobody cares about my totally unique and incomprehensible pain. :wtc:
     
  22. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    You're really not that unique, and not particularly incomprehensible.

    A lot of people with issues just like yourself have benefitted greatly from talking with a therapist, and making a determined effort to break from old habits.

    One of which is blaming your parents, which undoubtedly saddled you with more than your fair share of emotional baggage, but frankly, eventually you have to realize that love it or hate it, it's your life to live.

    And then you strive to overcome, instead of relishing the wallow, which is what appears to be a consistent element throughout your life story, thus far.

    Life does get better. But you must create that by your own hand.

    You seem to be quite intelligent. True intelligence is using your abilities to fashion a better life for yourself. Instead of using your intelligence to invent, document, correlate, and analyse endless reasons why your unhappiness must remain, and endless rationalizations about the predisposing factors.

    It begins today. If you want it to, that is.

    Good luck to you.
     
  23. Crawling Dead

    Crawling Dead Gz-TeRRoR

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2006
    Messages:
    2,015
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Slamtown USA
    Using OT terminology in everyday situations = :nono:
     
  24. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    the reason nobody cares is because you just want to bitch about it.

    you're getting advice............ tell us what you're going to DO about it.
     
  25. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    EDIT: Wow...um...rant alert. :big grin:

    Heh...the comment about my unique and incomprehensible pain was sarcasm. I know perfectly well I'm not the only person who's gone through this.

    I've used my intelligence to fashion a better life for myself to the extent that I can, but I think it's unfair to assume I ought to be somehow designing a better way for me to meet lots of women and have satisfying intimate relationships with them, when I really have no baseline for what even a slightly-above-average way to do that is, for someone like me. If I liked sports and drinking and flirting with the possibility of cheap sex, the solution would be obvious: hang out in sports bars, yell at ESPN, drink beers, and talk-up chicks. But that's not what I'm looking for, and I have zero baselines to work with to figure out how to get what I am looking for. Even my geeky friends are pretty much useless in that regard, because I'm the most self-aware of the bunch and the rest of them have absolutely no idea how they end up in relationships -- they literally cannot describe it to me, and either can't or won't tell me where they go and what they do that causes these relationships to miraculously appear.

    As far as wallowing is concerned, there are certain things I will never be able to resolve, because I can't go back in time to resolve them -- all I can do is try to make them irrelevant to my current life. My unpopularity in high school is one of them, which became irrelevant when I went to college and scored a girlfriend and several like-minded friends within a month or so. My youth being wasted living in a small religious town with an impenetrable inner-circle is slowly becoming irrelevant as I build a foundation where I live now. My parents' unhappy marriage was a big problem for a while, but now that the divorce is over with and my father has a girlfriend, that's getting better too -- I have a mature relationship that I can study fairly up-close to see how they're actually supposed to work. At this point, the biggest pain in my ass is that I bought a house in another part of the state as an investment property and I can't afford to move out until I sell it; had you asked me a year ago, that would not have been the biggest issue on my mind, so things are improving.

    I'm not wallowing in my problems, I don't enjoy being pitied for them -- I'm analysing them and describing them in detail so I can understand them and get help for them. It's nothing a therapist wouldn't make me do, and I know that from past experience.

    Anyway, it's been a lot easier to talk to women since my parents got divorced, not least because I can finally decommission the behavior of making allowances for my mother's behavior, and I can finally tell her off without worrying about how she's going to get back at me by abusing my father. (that's related to getting along with women because having to make those allowances for my mother made me a very bitter person towards women in general, and now I don't have to do it anymore, yay!) I know it's not the healthiest behavior ever, but I really needed to see my father drag himself out of that pool of quicksand at all cost, partly to prove he really was a man and partly so I wouldn't have to worry about him. I was convinced he was going to die young if he stayed with that woman, and I don't care what anyone has to say about it, I look after my family. Fortunately things worked out in that regard.
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2009

Share This Page