LGBT I owe myself this.

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by fraternitymemoirs12, Feb 12, 2005.

  1. fraternitymemoirs12

    fraternitymemoirs12 New Member

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    I hate to get all serious and weepy :wtc: in an otherwise good-humored forum, but at this moment, for whatever reason, I feel like I owe this to myself [and I suppose that would be vomiting all my thoughts onto a new thread]. Who knows what it is about this forum (with a rather large population, at that), or perhaps whatever mindset I am in right now that makes me want to reveal something that I've successfully hidden for longer than anyone really should, and 99% of me is sure that I'll regret this in the morning. But somehow, in the last hour, I've realized that I've never taken the time to figure out what I really wanted for myself.

    Well, now that that's out of the way, one weird question.

    Honest to God, I don't think this is some form of denial. I think. :) So how in the world is it possible for me to want to be in a relationship (i.e., spend the rest of my life with, put my faith and trust in, etc.) with a girl but not with a guy, yet only be able to think about doing it with guys but not girls?

    <EDIT: cut out dumb stuff :) >

    Man, saying something like that, even if it's just in writing, makes me feel really weird inside. I swear I'm feeling lightheaded right now. I have issues.

    Phew. So how's that for someone's first time admitting (albeit implicitly and online) that...they're different. I can't believe I wrote this. Well, I guess I better post before I stop myself for the umpteenth time. Yes, today will be the day...
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2005
  2. cedric

    cedric I don't have a contract

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    Whatever you're feeling, I'm sure that you'll find nothing but support in this forum. Just try us.
     
  3. fraternitymemoirs12

    fraternitymemoirs12 New Member

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    LOL, it doesn't even take me an hour before I start regretting what I've written...it sounds so stupidly melodramatic! I can get so bipolar about things, I've lived like this for so long.

    cedric, thanks for the support - but it's not urgent. We'll see where this goes...
     
  4. spiffy_badrock

    spiffy_badrock I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

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    Wow, I give you credit for making it this far, I think every one here has a story they could share with you...If you need anything, just stop by.
     
  5. Ferron

    Ferron So yes, I'll see you there.

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    I don't think there was anything weird about what you said. I'm familiar with the feeling of lightheadedness. It's probably just combination of relieved stress over sharing these thoughts and trying to incorporate them into your self-schemas. I've had that feeling too in similar situations.

    Well, we're here most of the time, so if you feel like you want to share more, we are definitely a safe forum. It sounds like you want to verbally explore #1 from your post, and we can help you do that.

    Good luck and congratulations on being honest :bigthumb:
     
  6. RenaultFreak

    RenaultFreak OMG

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    you mean that you want to marry a girl but your sex thoughts involve men? maybe you are just curious :dunno: (or bisexual, with the sex part inclined towards men and love part inclined towards women, can that be possible? I don't know but I know someone that is like that)
     
  7. fraternitymemoirs12

    fraternitymemoirs12 New Member

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    Thanks for the support...well, it's weird. 'Cause the night after I wrote that first post, I had a dream where I had sex with a girl. First time that's ever happened, and I woke up thinking, huh? Because I always thought it'd be gross? Can you say, confuuuused?

    I don't usually think about my sexuality too much, just sorta ignore it/lie about it, but more and more, it's been getting to me. I'm sure I'll be back whenever I get back to my down-state, but for now, back to work!
     
  8. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    I've been where you are.

    We've all been "programmed" (maybe "taught" is a better word?) to want certain things as we get older. To marry, have 2.3 kids, buy a home with a white-picket fence, get a dog, grow old and eventually mow the lawn in shorts, black socks and sandles.

    I think it takes time to understand that you can still have ALL of that (the wedding, the family, the white picket fence, etc) with a person of the same sex. I think that was an eye-opening experience for me when I realized that fact.
     
  9. Ferron

    Ferron So yes, I'll see you there.

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    :werd:
     
  10. tweakerpc

    tweakerpc Guest

    i love to :wackit:
     
  11. Taylor

    Taylor Guest

    It is a huge step that you've just taken, acknowledging your feelings, at least to yourself. Now you can try to understand what your feelings mean, and what it means for your life. I agree with Sam here, we're all programmed to seek female love. I went through the same sort of thing thinking I could only be happy if I was married to a woman, even if I was attracted to men, and not women at all. As he said, you can have all these things with a man, and it's ok to want that. You need to do some exploring, within yourself and perhaps going out and meeting some gay men. When you're ready to go that far, you should go out on some dates with men. You'll see that the interactions are almost identical to the ones that you would have with a woman, if you'll let them be.

    Good luck and congrats on coming this far :hug:
     
  12. suckmyexhaust

    suckmyexhaust New Member

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    I have come to the conclusion that enjoy who you are, because you will be living on a lie in not.

    Welcome and if you ever need anything, please feel free to ask any one of us here.
     
  13. fraternitymemoirs12

    fraternitymemoirs12 New Member

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    Hey everybody,

    Thanks for all the support. I think I was just stuck in a rut emotionally for a while and being able to just talk about it has been really helpful. There's no reason (actually, right now would be a particularly bad position) to out myself here and now IRL but I'm very happy to have found such a supportive group online. By the way, in reference to my sn, you guys have read the following story, right?

    It's a bit slow, but it's worth it (it sort of takes off in the fourth chapter) IMHO:)

    http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/college/fraternity-memoirs/

    Thanks everybody!
     
  14. mamoru

    mamoru New Member

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    Mmmm...nifty's archives are AMAZING...

    :wackit:
     
  15. marxwa99

    marxwa99 Boom Squad

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    everyone has good advice here. I still get the "i'm never gonna have grandkids" bit from my mom sometimes, but i have to live my life in a way where im gonna be 100% happy, and never look back with regrets. We all are entitled to live our lives with that right.

    I had a hard weekend with a friend who visited me from san francisco. He is 43. He still says he wasted half of his life away wishing that he coulda done this and that. He was just a very depressing case, to the point that i question the value of our friendship. Long story...

    I guess what i am saying is that if you have questions, it's up to you to find the answers. Don't sit back and hope the answers will come to you. You have to actively pursue them and posting on here is a very large first step. Whether or not it is done via computer mediated communication or disclosed with a friend, being able to talk about it is a great burden thats taken off of your shoulders. It can be done and one day you'll be able to look back and be proud of taking the first step.

    And its perfectly normal to have regrets. We fear uncertainty. It's human nature.

    Good luck :)
     
  16. dannycarey

    dannycarey New Member

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    im just waiting for the day sexuality labels, all labels for that matter, go away. seeing as they are probably here to stay for the rest of human existence, we have to "choose", as if thats something many of us can do.
    im a senior in high school and i would never admit to those people im attracted to the same sex. most people can tell through intuition anyways(what happens in the dark always comes to light), but the torture their ignorance and self-loathing would put me through isnt worth the grand "coming out" in my situation. i love all people in that i know they are me in different circumstances, but most people dont see this.

    all i can say is stay strong and dont let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy, cause everything in this bad mama-jama happens for a reason.
     

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