SRS I need to leave my girlfriend...some advice please

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Jeff Merr, May 1, 2009.

  1. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    We've been dating for a little over a year. When I met her she was a little wild but nothing out of the ordinary for a girl in her early 20's. Well fast forward one year, she has a huge drinking problem. If i think back a few weeks, the longest she's been sober is probably 2 days. Last week she drank at her girlfriends house until 3 in the morning, when she woke up at 10am she was still drunk and decided to pound 6 beers and then fell asleep around 1pm. I've tried talking with her about it but there's no use, she has a lot of issues currently with her family and she has a lot of built up anger with her Dad and how he basically abandoned her after her parents divorced, my guess is that she feels she has to drink those thoughts away.

    She has also started to mix pills (Vicodin, Adderall, Xanex etc.) with drinking and it's getting out of control.

    I just recently graduated college, I'm a huge health nut and into fitness and bodybuilding, I drink maybe once a week at most with some friends and she is making my life miserable, we have absolutely nothing in common anymore. I always have to worry about her when she drinks with her girlfriends, I'm always picking her up and she can barely walk, she's always asking me what happened the night before because she blacked out, I spend so much time and effort trying to help her, I haven't had a good nights sleep for weeks.

    I really want to leave her but I'm having a hard time doing it. I feel like I need to help her and I feel like she needs me. We had a good relationship until the past 2 or 3 months but now its just draining me. Any advice on how to end it and move on? I appreciate it.
     
  2. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    Just as a little example:

    Tonight she went over to her friends house who also drinks like a fish and takes pills. I text her asking what she's doing and she replies "I took 2 selmas and half a xanex bar and we're drinking"

    This is the last shit I need to hear before trying to go to bed for work tomorrow.
     
  3. Anudist

    Anudist Turnin' Jesus on, one lightswitch at a time.

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    Tell her exactly what you told us. Tell her that her drinking and pill taking are getting out of hand and that you can't handle it anymore. Give her an ultimatum, either she begins to sober up, or you're gone. That is to say, if you'd be willing to continue a relationship with her, should she clean up her act.

    You aren't responsible for her actions, you're not responsible for her at all. She's an adult, she can handle herself and if this is the path she's choosing to go down, it's her problem. Don't let her fucking up ruin any part of your life.
     
  4. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Does she live with you? and if so is her name on the lease? You got two options when she's goes out just pack up all your shit and leave stay with friends or family till you can find another place or if its your place when she goes out next time change the locks and don't answer her phone calls box up all her shit and drop it off with one of her friends
     
  5. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    Print this thread out and give it to her.
     
  6. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    1. you've decided you're going to leave, so don't let anything that happens change your mind.
    2. sit with her when she's sober (or mostly sober) and calmly explain how she's acting.
    3. tell her that for months you feel like you're not in a relationship, so you're going to end it.
    4. leave.
    5. she's either going to get mad and drink, or get depressed and drink. this isn't your problem.
    6. when she calls you, completely wasted, go help her ONE TIME. pick her up, make sure she's safe, stay with her until she sobers up (or gets mostly sober) and explain "this is what I meant when I said (whatever you said in #2). You need help."
    7. leave.
    8. never look back.
     
  7. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    excellent advice by 7960

    we need to know if you are living with her
     
  8. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    She lives with me, her name is not on my lease.
     
  9. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    ok well you've got a potentially sticky situation with getting her to move out

    Are you open to moving out and living somewhere else? If so, when is your lease up?
     
  10. Drifter87

    Drifter87 Yippi-kay-ay, Motherfucker

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    7960 put it best!, but as for the living situation...

    I broke up with a girl that was "living" with me and her name was not on the lease. Pretty much that night I dumped her, she went running to the guy she was cheating with. After she left, I put all of her clothing in garbage bags and boxed up her other things. A few days later she came back wanting to talk. I just put all of her bags + boxes in her car and told her to have a nice life.


    Extra Story about how she came to live with me:

    It started off with her sleeping over every so often, then to her leaving clothes in a drawer for when she slept over and within 3 months she was pretty much fully moved in and I did not even realize it because she did it so slowly. The only reason I realized it is because I went to pack up her stuff and I noticed she was using up about 80% of my space. Sneaky little bitch.
     
  11. Drifter87

    Drifter87 Yippi-kay-ay, Motherfucker

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    His name is on the lease, he should not have to move out. It sounds like she has friends who can take her in.
     
  12. ReFreshing

    ReFreshing OT Supporter

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    Slam your foot down on this. Gonna be hard but you're definitely going to have to give her an ultimatum. Stick to the results.
     
  13. Show Stopper

    Show Stopper OT Supporter

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    Depends where you are isn't like rehab really costy , i never been there so i don't know i just heard.
     
  14. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    In my experience and from what I've learned through loved ones in rehab, giving her an ultimatum isn't going to make her realize the severity.

    Leave her and don't look back. She won't find the desire to clean herself up through anyone but herself, and you have to let her suffer in order to realize it. She needs to hit bottom, don't try and help her because it isn't doing any good.

    Get out of there and make yourself happy again, don't get walked all over because you feel the need to "help".
     
  15. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    IMO, introducing the parent/child position will just make her rebel against your supposed authority.
     
  16. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    Sorry for the lack of updates.

    Just like Drifter87 explained, she basically moved in slowly over time before I had realized it. The good news is that she moved back to her mom's which is about 4 hours from me. I tried explaining it to her but she just doesn't get it, she started trying to blame me for shit and making all of our problems my fault.

    I feel like I can't get her out of my head. Now that she is gone I felt a little relieved but I still think about what she's doing every night, and of course last night she was probably drunk and on pills and felt the need to text me and leave me a voicemail at 3am. It just pisses me off that she doesn't get it and doesn't care.
     
  17. polishillusion

    polishillusion New Member

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    Never talk to her again.

    I recommend that you never do that #2 on the list, because you already tried an "intervention" of sorts and "it was all your fault that she was doing stupid shit".

    With substances, its not that they don't get it or don't care, its that they biological CAN'T get it or CAN'T care - they are so hyped up that small emotions like that are blocked out by the extremes. She has her own battle and her own life to live, and her using needs to either stop completely (abstinence) or be control severely (which I feel won't work for her from what you say).

    I am also assume you can not stop thinking of her because she most probably was the best lay you have ever had - and trust me, you can get that anywhere. Crazy chicks are crazy chicks in bed too. I applaud you for being enough of a man to kick her ass to the curb.

    Here is a recommendation how to deal with this -
    This summer, you will work out like never before. You will put all of your emotion and extra thought into pumping up and it will help you get over this. Socialize with friends not related to her. Do not call her, do not text her, erase every contact she makes with you.

    In addition, never, ever live with a chick again. 1 mistake too many, IMO. No "slow moving in", no "moved in by accident", its "get your fucking toothbrush out of my fucking cabinet".

    I recommend a dose of Tom Leykis.
     
  18. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    Heh yea you pretty much hit the nail on the head. This is the first crazy chick I ever got involved with, the sex was nuts and really locked me in, but eventually the headache and stress makes it not even worth it anymore.
     
  19. polishillusion

    polishillusion New Member

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    This is why you must pump weights. Get rid of that testosterone.
     
  20. PcH

    PcH Guest

    A lot of good advice in this thread. Stick to your gut feelings no matter how hard it may be. I personally would give her one shot at helping her rehab/whatever and then end it completely. Pump the iron hard and move forthward. :hug:
     
  21. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    Well fuck, she text'd me this morning and I responded and we were talking about what happened with us. I told her through text all the shit that bugged me and also told her how she was like a leech and lived off me and depended on me for everything (which was true). After I said that she basically told me that's the worst thing anyone has ever said to her and she can't stop crying etc.

    Now I feel shitty, why the fuck did I text her, heh. :hs:
     
  22. bummerkit

    bummerkit New Member

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    yeah, texting probably wasnt the best idea but atleast you got the ball rolling.
     
  23. Sgt. Friday

    Sgt. Friday Guest

    as tough as it may be for you, stop all communication right now. Don't let her guilt trip you into more unwanted BS and you drag this thing out. Have her recognize the problem and let her deal with it.
     
  24. T-R-T

    T-R-T New Member

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    this is offtopic but would you explain what was so good about the sex that it locked you in? i never understand it when ppl say this. what was so good that you can't get that somewhere else?
     
  25. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    If the truth hurts then how is that your fault?

    She asked a question, you answered it. If she was going to be a sally about it maybe she shouldn't have asked the question.

    Sounds like again she's trying to play the victim, and make you feel sorry for her.

    Fuck that.

    Edit: Generalization removed.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 19, 2009

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