SRS I need help.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by MSF, Apr 16, 2005.

  1. MSF

    MSF New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2004
    Messages:
    221
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hell
    So here's my problem.

    Ever since I can remember I have had confidence issues from not being comfortable with myself and have had a lot of trouble trusting people. All of this as a result of problems I have had with my father. My parents divorced when I was a year old and though he visited me almost every weekend, it was short lived. As soon as he started a new family I significantly dropped on his priority list. Over time it made me feel inadequate and I've never really been a happy person, along with the above mentioned problems.

    As a result of all of this I have very few friends, and I am never completely comfortable in any relationship with anybody (this includes even my mom and step-dad). And not too long ago I found out that the girl I have been dating for three months thinks that I am not attracted to her because I'm not affectionate enough, don't touch her, don't try much of anything with her. In the three months we have been together we have done nothing past goodnight kisses (which she initiated the first one).

    I am too scared to initiate anything more than that, because I have some deep fear that any advance I make will be unwanted. Even when she has flat out told me it won't be.

    I always feel like an outsider and a lot of the people in my life tend to just fade away.

    I recognize that I have pretty big issues, but I don't know how to go about fixing them. I can't exactly go see a psychiatrist because it will create a lot of problems with my job (i'm in the military and my job requires people of sound mind and seeing a psychiatrist would cast a shadow of doubt on me and create gigantic problems that I have no need for).

    What I'm looking for is advice on how to fix whats wrong with me, possibly from someone who has been through and come out of the same situation. Self help books, meditation, I'm open minded to possible solutions.

    Thanks in advance. :hs:
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Well first of all, it's a good thing you don't trust people. People usually aren't all that great. So before you let a person into your life ,they have to earn your trust which takes time. Remember when it comes to people you have to think like this. ' Innocent, until proven guilty '. Everyone and i mean everyone (including your father) deserves at least 1 chance.

    When it comes to your gf, just put an arm around her shoulder, just hold hands, just give her a bunch of hugs every now and then. It's all about opening yourself. You should imagine yourself like a closed flower, which needs to open up to show its love, its beauty,its strenght and exposuring itself so everyone can enjoy it. You see,its all a matter of balancing and opening yourself up to the right people who gained your trust. When someone breaks your trust you should be able to close yourself and say' till here and no further' . Get the demons out of your life,and let the few angels in it.

    Honestly when you go out on the street, are you intending to hurt other people? Most people don't have that intention either, there are a few but hey, if someone hurts you you can always kick them out of your lives, your a militairy right ;) And kicking ass is what you do.
     
  3. MSF

    MSF New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2004
    Messages:
    221
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hell
    Bump, for more more replies/input.
     
  4. Bioanger

    Bioanger Self-Proclaimed moron

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2001
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Berkeley
    Exposure builds confidence like nothing else. By exposing yourself to new people, new situations, new ideas and new ways of life, you will gain a broader perspective of your life that will gradually replace the perspective your father gave you. The key here is to make contact with people who are different from you; people who you would not normally associate with. It might sound like a vague and frightening goal, but there are many ways of approaching it, one of which is discussing things with people here on OT.

    One thing that has worked wonders for my confidence is going to free dating sites and sending emails to some randomly chosen desperate women (not the beauty queens) just to strike up an intimate conversation with someone who comes from a different background than myself. It doesn’t need to be serious; I just look at it as a low risk way to get some exposure. Even if the experience turns out to have some bad elements to it, I will always come out of it feeling like I am a more capable person than when I went into it. Might work for you too.

    Some people say traveling can have a similar confidence-boosting effect, particularly international travel, though I can’t say I have tried that much myself.
     
  5. teo

    teo . => ? => !

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2004
    Messages:
    3,094
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Eh?
    Well, first of all, have you got past feeling inadequate about yourself? You'll need to work on that before the rest. Talking (even circumspectly) about your inadequacy issues with your girlfriend will probably go a long way in helping her understand your lack of physical affection. You could make a point of demonstrating your affection more often, though... girls need physical proof, even if that only means holding her hand and putting your arm around her shoulders.

    You don't need many friends to be a whole person. Just make sure that the friends you do have are true ones who like you for you. People will come and go in your life, and not all of them will stick around.

    Self help books and meditation are great ideas, but are only as good as you make them. That is, in order for them to work, you can't do a half-assed job of committing to them. That said, I find yoga is a good activity to settle my mind and tone my body at the same time... by the time I'm done an Ashtanga session, my body and mind are usually in a perfect state for meditation.

    Hope this helps :hs:
     
  6. andymodem

    andymodem Ambitious, but rubbish.

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2001
    Messages:
    6,331
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Baltimore, MD
    Since you're in the military, go see one of the base chaplains. Everything discussed with them is only between you and them, unless it involves a matter of national security or you committing violence.
     
  7. MSF

    MSF New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2004
    Messages:
    221
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hell
    The only problem with that is that I'm not religious, and the last thing I want is some chaplain preaching to me about how I need to find jesus.
     
  8. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2005
    Messages:
    790
    Likes Received:
    0
    I hear that.

    Look... you know what I'd do in your situation? You won't change overnight and suddenly become the life of the party. So don't fight that yet.....

    But you have a way out with your girl right in front of your face with an open freakin' invitation! Take the risk....you have nothing to lose (if you don't make a move it sounds like you're losing her anyway)...but everything to gain.

    That will my first baby step..........
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Not every chaplain or minister is a bible quoting robot. Most ministers I've met are genuine, sincere people who want to help others. And they're not idiots.

    If you're not religious but want intelligent, kind and thoughtful help, they can see that and aren't going to push god on you when you come to them for advice.

    A base chaplain is a perfect example -- he knows you're probably there to see him because you have no other options, and I would bet most young people in the military aren't really religious.

    What would be the point of thumping his bible -- I'm sure he's smart enough to know that most of his audience would just switch off and ignore his words if they only consisted of "jesus this, jesus that".

    Give the chaplain a chance. You might be surprised.
     

Share This Page