SRS I need help with an odd kind of addiction (compulsive lying)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by N1XRR, Jul 13, 2007.

  1. N1XRR

    N1XRR New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2003
    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lavonia, GA
    I never even thought of this as a problem until recently, and didn't know where else to turn.

    It seems I have an addiction to lying. Let me explain.

    For some reason with my friends and family, I seem to have this need to make up bogus stories. This can be triggered by an event (it gets WAYYY over exagurated), something I did (such as being very late, and making up a story as to why) or nothing at all.

    Example: A few years ago I was 45 minutes late to an autocross, at which time I was the only person who had the keys to unlock the equipment. I made up a story about how I was stuck in line for 30 minutes, yelled at the manager, etc etc etc and finally got out of there 45 minutes later.

    That was pretty bad, but after a while I started believing it and the story became such.

    But, I've noticed also, with any girls I go after, when things start to go well, I tell what seems to be a small lie, it gets thrown WAY out of proportion and things end up going sour. I think this side of things is caused by my need to attention. Things are going well, I'm not getting so much attention and I need to do something to change that.

    Example: This girl I'm seeing right now, I left her a message on Tuesday afternoon telling her I had a odd conversation with my mom about her and that I need to talk to her. When she called me back, I told her my mom asked if we where sleeping together and that a friend of mine who is out of town had called her and told her that we where. Looking back on it, obviously all I wanted was attention. But last night I felt so bad about the whole thing, I didn't get to sleep until well after 4AM, only slept for about 2 hours and tossed and turned the entire time.
    (you can see what I mean here: http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3308073)

    I can't even tell the truth to a bunch of strangers on the internet I have absolutely no ties to in any way, shape or form. This is sad.

    This has happened over and over again for many years. To the point of, as I stated before, I start believing the lie. The thing is, I've noticed that I was doing this in the past, and for 6-9 months I was doing great, and then it started again with me even realizing it.

    Well, after things went sour last night, I just couldn't stop thinking about why I messed this up. Why did I do this to myself? I don't know if I can get past this with the girl, but I need to get past this for myself. I have not told her the truth, she already thinks things are sketchy as hell, and rightfully so. But I think if I told her exactly what I did, she will cut ties with me completely.

    So, I made up my mind "No more". If I can get past this, maybe I can manage to not do this again in the future. But I'm very very afraid that I will do this again, without even thinking about it, as its happened already.

    I know this isn't a mental hospital, but it seems that this may be an addiction and I need some advice on how to deal with it.
     
  2. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2005
    Messages:
    36,662
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    this toilet earth
    I think you will find better answers in the Asylum, i will move this for you :)
     
  3. N1XRR

    N1XRR New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2003
    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lavonia, GA
    Thank you for putting this in the right place. I really don't know what to do at this point. I know self-diagnosis usually is frowned upon, but in this case, it appears I have a problem with being a pathological lair. The problem is, I have no idea how to fix this or who to talk to about this.
     
  4. kEVOgt350

    kEVOgt350 Like a flashlight on but lost, my energy's there b

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2006
    Messages:
    602
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Torrance, CA
    Ask yourself what you gain out of lieing. Is it worth deceiving the people you care about and the people that care about you just for the attention? You may be able to get away with a few lies, but eventually people will notice it and nobody will trust anything you say. Hopefully realizing this will give you the insentive to stop.

    I recommend stopping yourself immediately when you are about to lie even if it's in the middle of a sentence. Say something like "I'm sorry, I'm thinking of something else. What I meant to say was..." and proceed to tell the truth. If you don't realize you've told a lie until after you've said it then tell the person as soon as you realize it. Call them back and explain that lately you've been unintentionally twisting stories and that you're trying to break the habit and tell them the truth. You will get better at catching your own lies and eventually you will stop yourself before the thoughts even enter your head.

    Lieing is a tough habit to break because only you have the authority to end it. It's hard to tell the truth, but it's even harder to cover up a lie. Good Luck.
     
  5. ///M Pilot

    ///M Pilot New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2006
    Messages:
    405
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Fort Liquordale, FL
    Become a politician.

    :)
     
  6. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2007
    Messages:
    10,440
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    The Prarie State/The Hoosier State
    .
     
  7. stillmatic

    stillmatic New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2003
    Messages:
    261
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    Tony Montana: "I never fucked anybody over in my life didn't have it coming to them. You got that? All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don't break them for no one. Do you understand? That piece of shit up there, I never liked him, I never trusted him. For all I know he had me set up and had my friend Angel Fernandez killed. But that's history. I'm here, he's not. Do you wanna go on with me, you say it. You don't, then you make a move. "

    be like tony montana, seriously dude, all your lies add up, and for what? and your house of lies will fall, who are you trying to impress?
     
  8. pippystarluv

    pippystarluv New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2007
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    0
    compulsive lying is denial. snap back to reality. think about it, why do you have to lie? to be cooler? there's a deeper meaning to wanting to lie all the time. maybe you're not contempt with who you are. some people lie because it makes them feel better to be someone else... maybe that's you. if it is, learn what you don't like about yourself and dont be weak minded and try to fix it.
     
  9. N1XRR

    N1XRR New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2003
    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lavonia, GA
    Well, I can tell you one thing, since my parents forced me to live down here in South Carolina (moved when I first started high school) I have had very low self-esteem. My friend Matt keeps telling me: "You lack confidence, grow a pair, man up and do what you need to do". The problem is, I don't know how to do that, and I'm pretty sure this whole lying thing started because I didn't feel like I belonged down here.

    And this made me realize a few things...after high school I started hanging out with a university sports car club, when I started I was an outsider. I didn't have much to say, and nobody talked to me. When I started making up stories, I was suddenly much more interesting and people started talking to me...and I magically had things to talk about.

    Back in high school, I had pretty bad grades. I was really angry at my parents for forcing me to move down here so I just didn't try. But to avoid getting in trouble, I'd make up stories about different things. My parents would figure it out at first, and I remember thinking that I need to get better at this because my parents figured it out and I kept getting in trouble.

    Hmm...why didn't I think of any of this before?
     
  10. kEVOgt350

    kEVOgt350 Like a flashlight on but lost, my energy's there b

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2006
    Messages:
    602
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Torrance, CA
    Ive known several compulsive liars in my life believe it or not and what you describe definitely coincides with their reasons for lieing. You believe it is difficult to stop lieing because that is how you've learned to deal with your problems and hide from reality. You need to break that habit. Stop trying to impress everyone and just be yourself. Lies create a false confidence in yourself. You build true confidence by stopping the lies. Realize that your life is just as interesting as the next person's; you just never gave yourself a chance to find it.
     
  11. N1XRR

    N1XRR New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2003
    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lavonia, GA
    Thank you (well, everyone really) for your replies.

    I guess the first question I should ask then is this: Should I just start fresh and decide stop lying starting today? Or should I start by going back to all my friends and explain whats going on?
     
  12. kEVOgt350

    kEVOgt350 Like a flashlight on but lost, my energy's there b

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2006
    Messages:
    602
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Torrance, CA
    If there's nothing huge you want to get off your chest then maybe you can start fresh. If you're having difficulty keeping yourself in check you could always tell a few people you are close to about it and they could help you through it. It's going to be a whole new world for you and you might want someone to talk to.
     
  13. kEVOgt350

    kEVOgt350 Like a flashlight on but lost, my energy's there b

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2006
    Messages:
    602
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Torrance, CA
    have i been spelling it wrong this whole time? im a terrible speller :mamoru:
     
  14. N1XRR

    N1XRR New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2003
    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lavonia, GA
  15. N1XRR

    N1XRR New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2003
    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lavonia, GA
    Okay, that seems to make sense. I think I may try to stick it alone for the time being, this is going to take some serious changes in my head, I believe.
     
  16. pippystarluv

    pippystarluv New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2007
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    0
    you didn't think of it before because it made you feel better being someone else. i know it's fun being someone else but you have to find a balance. you too, could have an exciting life but you're too busy thinking up of lies to impress people. you need to be more out going instead of lying that you are. it's plain and simple, black and white, easy as that. obviously you're not in denial anymore because you know you lie. you could talk about your life and the things you did before moving to south carolina. talking about past times are always fun. be yourself, how? talk about things that you really did. and if all you could talk about is being bored, sure, talk about it, then plan things to do with people in your sport club.
     
  17. N1XRR

    N1XRR New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2003
    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lavonia, GA
    Thing is, when I sit back and think about it, my life really isn't all that bad. I go to track days (although, I usually work....I've only driven my car once on track...but it was a hell of a lot of fun), I autocross, I bike (bicycle), I don't just sit at home and do nothing, I go out with friends, play darts, have a few beers...now granted, I really only started doing all this in the past 2-3 years, but I don't know why I felt the need to continue making things up like I did.

    I believe, though, since I have little confidence in myself with these types of things, I have a hard time starting conversations....and then once I am talking, I am WAY too technical and people have no idea what I'm talking about.

    "Turn in, apex, track out"
    "Huh?"

    "Well, all you need is another 512mb of ram and a new video card, that computer would be great"
    "I have no idea what you just said"

    Frustration.
     
  18. Guerilla Grower

    Guerilla Grower New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2006
    Messages:
    862
    Likes Received:
    0
    I feel you on this, I use to constantly have to dumb down conversations because people wouldn't get what I was talking about. I just figured those kind of people just look more at the surface of things, rather then getting into the details. I've found a few people that I can talk to that can keep up, but it's just something you deal with.
     
  19. N1XRR

    N1XRR New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2003
    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lavonia, GA
    Its good to know I'm not alone here.

    I have already noticed many many times where I started to make up a few things. I can see now this is going to be a long and hard road, but definetly one that I need to take.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2007
  20. N1XRR

    N1XRR New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2003
    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lavonia, GA
    Okay, so, one thing that has been brought to my attention...

    This whole thing with this girl got all screwed up because I lied. But last night she claimed I lied to her again.

    A few months ago, she talked to me and said that she would appreciate it if I didn't talk about all of these issues with her roommates. Problem here is that her roommates are some of my best friends. Shitty situation, I know.

    Well, when she stopped talking to me, the only way I know of to deal with the stress of this and whats come up with work lately was to talk to my friends. I had to vent somehow. So, I talked to my friend Will.

    Last night when we where talking, she was very very upset because I did that. I don't think she quite understands why I have such a need to talk about these things. She made the comment that everyone has stress, and she has had ulcers now because of it. Well, that fine, but everyone deals with stress in different ways...I choose not to bottle it up...but when I can't talk to her about it, its gotta go somewhere.

    Anyway, what she's saying is that I broke a promise and lied to her by talking to my friend Will. That got me thinking.

    Today, at work, I had another issue similar to this that came up. A customer of ours called up and told me something he'd rather keep quiet. "Just between you and me..."

    Now, my past experience dictates that I should go to my boss and explain whats going on. It really won't effect our business in any way, I don't think. But in light of current events, he has entrusted me with some information that he wouldn't want to be passed around...a lot like the issue I've been having with this girl.

    Maybe the problem I'm having is that I have a hard time making the distinction between work and personal, and I handle it all the same. I *KNOW* I've been conditioned a certain way for work, and I absolutely hate it now that I realize what I've been doing.

    EDIT: When I thought it over, I do have an obligation to my boss to inform him of the latest information in the industry....thats just how we work. So, I told him whats going on. He comes back to me with this: "Well, you need to get our equipment back before his cabinets get picked up".

    Without getting into a lot of details, these guys are in legal trouble and we have a few pieces of equipment on loan to them.

    "Make up something. Tell him we've got a big order coming through and we need it back ASAP."

    This is, exactly to the dot, what I have been trying to avoid the past several days. I don't want to do this, and don't think I can without a major struggle in my head. This is so confusing.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2007
  21. verdiocchi

    verdiocchi Oh snap!

    Joined:
    May 30, 2007
    Messages:
    1,015
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    FL
    :rofl: Best answer on here.
     
  22. kEVOgt350

    kEVOgt350 Like a flashlight on but lost, my energy's there b

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2006
    Messages:
    602
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Torrance, CA
    She doesn't want you talking to your friend about it AT ALL? That's seems a bit extreme. If it's a mutual friend I would think he would try to be understanding of both sides. That is a lie though if you say you won't talk to them and then you do. Either talk to her and explain you need someone else to talk to or don't do it.

    As far as work goes it depends if what you're being told affects your job security. If a co-worker tells you something and then afterwards asks that you keep it a secret, that's BS and he deserves to be ratted on for putting you in that position. If he asks you to keep it a secret in advance then tell him you don't want to hear it if it's going to affect your work.
     
  23. N1XRR

    N1XRR New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2003
    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lavonia, GA
    I guess what I'm reading here is that the decision I made was my well being vs the relationship.

    Thinking about it, I think I'm going to choose my well being every single time. Is that wrong?

    I don't have any regret about talking to Will about this whole thing, it brought me back from a very rough place in my head. What I keep going over is this: If she doesn't talk to me, and can't understand why I need to talk to someone, is this person really the right person for me? And the thing is, I think I know the answer to that question.

    As for work, well, I'm not comfortable here anymore. I'll do what I need to do only until I can find a new job. I don't like what this place has made me.
     
  24. kEVOgt350

    kEVOgt350 Like a flashlight on but lost, my energy's there b

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2006
    Messages:
    602
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Torrance, CA
    Yea, you chose your well-being over what she wanted. Now was it the right thing to do? I think you deserve to be able to talk to your friends about it and should, but ultimately it was the wrong thing to do because you told her you wouldn't. You were probably still stuck in your habit of telling lies and told her you wouldn't tell anyone on a whim to shut her up. Try to avoid this in the future.

    Next time communicate that you will always need someone to talk to and if she can't deal with that due to her own insecurities then it probably won't work out. If it's about something really personal and that is the reason she doesn't want you talking to others about it then I think you should respect that, but if it's just an argument you had then she should be understanding of your need to vent.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2007
  25. N1XRR

    N1XRR New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2003
    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lavonia, GA
    I wanted to put in a small update, as this weekend was very...eye opening.

    When the whole thing happened with that girl a few weeks ago, I was devastated. Mostly because I thought it was my fault...and it was...but the important part is that I took from that experience and learned a whole hell of a lot. A lot about myself, dealing with others and dealing with this problem.

    Well, she kept beating me up about the fact that I "lied to her". Ok, fair enough...but what I found out this weekend really set me free.

    A few days before I talked to her about the whole "conversation with mom" thing that started this, we had a long talk about our relationship. She told me "I need another week to sort things out, things are starting to go well, and we've waited this long, please just give me another week to get things in order". Fair enough, she was having a hard time at work (just promoted and given tons of responsibility....and her ex has been messing with her again). The key point is what she told me: "I'm not seeing anyone else right now...your the only one I want to see".

    Well, I found out last Friday that she's been seeing another guy for the past 3 weeks. I was extremely pissed off Friday night...but a little bit liberated. She actually doesn't know that I know this, I'm going to sit her down this week and basically corner her about it.

    What hurts, so bad, is that she confronted me about the lying thing, and I worked on this so much to correct this problem...and I'm doing great at it...but she ends up being just as bad. Argh.

    Now, I do have to say, I've really been working on this whole lying thing. I went to a party Saturday night and met a bunch of people. I forced myself to not make up stories and things went really well. Since then (I know its only been a few days) I find myself not needing to make up stories because, I guess, things went so well. I am getting better, it seems.

    Thanks for the help everyone! This is really working!
     

Share This Page