I need advice.

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by BourgieBohemian, Jun 14, 2008.

  1. BourgieBohemian

    BourgieBohemian New Member

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    I just got out of this really serious relationship a little over two months ago.
    We had to break up because we loved each other too much.

    We were so deliriously happy together, that we just fell up each other's assholes and forgot the rest of the world existed. (Allow me to interject that we had been very close friends for years before we started dating, and the timing of our relationship beginning just so happened to coincide with a series of fuck-awful things happening in our private lives: close family getting critically ill, financial complications, and piles of other unfortunate nonsense.)
    So, finally, we made the pragmatic decision to seperate until we're able to get our lives ironed out and back on track.

    We haven't spoken at all (aside from a few short phone calls like "Did you pay the phone bill?") for two months, and last week he called me wanting to meet up and talk. We met up, and it was just like old times. We had a great time, just talking and catching up. And then, it happened. He told me he was still intending on marrying me at some undetermined point in the future (it could seriously be 5+ years: peace corps, finishing off our graduate studies, establishing careers, etc). We got caught up in the moment, fell back into each other, and spent the night together. Of course, it was amazing, and leaving that next morning was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

    We spoke later and decided that we needed to meet again to discuss what we wanted to do, what new paradigm we wanted to establish.
    Do we want to go back to cutting the other out completely, have a distanced friendship (limited to phone calls and emails), a close friendship, or do we want to try taking a major step back from where we were, but start dating again? Obviously, being friends who hang out face-to-face is going to pose a few problems. All of these options seem equally terrible.
    We met again to discuss what we wanted to do, and wound up falling into each other again. It was easier to leave that next morning, though still terribly difficult. I'm not quite sure why.

    So, now, here I am.
    A part of me wants to tell him that I need space- that continuing to talk to him and not being able to be with him is just too hard. Leave it at that, (attempt to forget about his certainty in our painfully distant future) and try to let him go and move on. I have no idea how I'd even begin to approach that conversation, though. I'm afraid. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to let him go.

    Another part of me wants to be strong and accept that the situation is awful, but mow through it and attempt to have him as a friend. This is incredibly difficult because we are still very open with discussions of love and us. I don't know how, if I even could bring myself to do it, to ask him to stop telling me that he loves me. Of course he loves me, and I him, but saying it and living in it momentarily makes coming back to the reality of "us" no longer existing THAT much more torturous.

    And then there's dating... I'd give anything to spend just one more day with him... but, at the same time, I feel that it's unhealthy to engage romantically with him at this point. We both have so much to take care of, for ourselves. I'm really not ready to be with anyone at this point- and he definitely is in no place to be considering anything romantic. (He's still in the depths of a pretty serious depression, with a thousand pounds of baggage weighing down on him, including serious family issues which he really needs and wants to focus on)

    I don't know what to do.

    Can you give me any advice?
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2008
  2. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    I can really sympathize with you. I've been in the same position so many times and I still kind of am. I don't know that I can give advice but maybe how I am dealing with it might help you. After a while of going back and forth I have realized that it is better to have all or nothing. Being fully together and not being together both come with their consequences but I find that being in the middle ground is way more torturous. In my opinion it's better to try having the amazing relationship because despite every thing you both are going through it might be just a bit easier to handle knowing you have each other. When dealing with depression it might be nice for him to have you to lose himself in rather than his depression. Not being together when you guys feel so strongly could be just like torture. Knowing how things could be but being denied it or rather denying yourself of it. Much of this is my the thought process I use because my situation is so similar to yours. I hope I helped at least a little bit. :hs:
     
  3. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    break that text wall up into pieces and i'll be happy to read it
     
  4. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I'm sorry, why don't you want to be with him? There's no reason why you can't work on your personal shit within a relationship.
    It sounds like you're making this more complicated than it should be on purpose.
     
  5. fray

    fray New Member

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    I agree a little with Demos...this sounds like stuff you could work on together. However, I do see a little bit of where you're coming from and why you feel like you need to do it on your own.

    I think it will be a growing experience for you. (How old are you two?) It sounds like you feel you need to take some steps to make sure you can be independent before you are together as a couple. If you give in now and just go back to him, I fear that you will end up resenting him for never giving you the space to become your own person.

    It would be good enough, I'm sure if you just saw each other less, but kept each other in your life. I do not know how realistic this is though, as it sounds like you wind up in bed every time you're together. Does this make you feel weak for caving? Does it make you feel like you need ensure you have space even more?

    You have to do what's best for you sometimes and it sounds like you think that's for you to have some time for yourself.
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    This is stupid. You've given literally 0 good reasons as to why you can't and shouldn't just be together.

    The only thing wrong with you two is you have no self-control. Yes, you may both have very important things going on in your lives, but that doesn't mean you can't be together :ugh: You just can't let each other smother one another because you are so in love. You have to learn to be with one another without being with one another 24/7. You have to both have your own lives for a relationship to ever work out.

    Make sense?
     
  7. BourgieBohemian

    BourgieBohemian New Member

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    My main goal in a relationship is to live in love while leading an independant life. My ex and I, while entirely capable of living in love with each other, have significant trouble with the latter.

    This is not due to a character flaw in lacking self control. Rather, due to our current situations, we're often too weak to stand on our own. With everything else falling down around us, we cling to each other and forget all the painful/practical stuff. As I've said, while this is really great in the moment- having each other for support and love- it is entirely unhealthy in the long run. We both agree that we only want to be with another because we WANT to, not because we NEED to.

    Most of the really catastrophic shit has happened in the past year: jobs/friends/family members lost, serious health issues, depression, financial explosions, break downs, etc. We tried to make things work between us- damned hard-- but, as a direct result of our circumstance, we couldn't make "us" work.

    When we plugged into "us," we had no time or energy for anything else (I should probably mention that we were both working and going to school full time until about six months ago. Neither of us could keep up with tuition payments and consequently had to take time off of school- which is the WORST thing in the world for nerds like us. Since then, we've both been working two full time jobs and a part time job- ususally around 100 hrs/week. Our schedules also conflict, so that I wake up before him and am deliriously tired if not asleep by the time he gets home.), we literally don't have time or energy to spend on a relationship.

    But, disregarding our practicality, we stayed locked into our relationship for the past year, with demosnat and corpsestreet's mindset: "we found Love, we're so lucky, we should do anything and everything to hold onto this amazingly rare treasure."

    Things got progressively worse and worse. More circumstantial shit kept piling on, stress snowballed. The pressure on our relationship got more and more intense, which necessitated more effort to be put into "us," which took more time away from other things, which caused more shit to fall apart....

    This is how we see it:
    In a perfect world (hell, even in a "normal" setting), Love would trump all other concerns and we could quite easily have an amazingly stable and long-lasting relationship.
    However, due to the incredibly unfortunate circumstances, it just isn't working.

    Yes, it sucks hard enough to pull a golf ball through a garden hose- but, there is nothing we can do.
    We tried- for an entire year- and it proved to be more than we could handle.

    Since we've been apart, we've both made great strides for ourselves. We've both been promoted, are working dilligently at paying off our financial and social debts, and working on ourselves (which is really the best part). It has been incredibly hard, but SO worth it!

    So, fully getting back together with him is not an option.
    My conundrum is what to do now.

    I want so badly to keep him in my life. However, in order to maintain a stable/healthy friendship, I would have to let him go. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do so while maintaining contact with him- and I don't know if I really even WANT to let him go- being that there is (however distant) the potential of having "us" again (in all seriousness, we are perfect for each other).

    The most pragmatic option seems to be shutting things off completely, allowing time to heal, and maybe trying to establish a friendship down the line, once we're over each other or stable enough to handle the confusion and frustration. However, the thought of suggesting this to him makes something snap in my chest with quick-to-follow excruciating pain.

    And casual dating... It just seems way too idealistic. We both agree that we really need time and space to work on getting our Self back together- I just don't see us being able to be romantically involved while keeping that distance. Not that we're uncapable of doing it- I just think it would be more stress than we need to put on ourselves right now-- we certainly have enough drama to deal with as it is.

    Also, whatever option I wind up choosing... I'll need to come up with a way to bring it up to him, and the courage to do so... which is probably the most difficult aspect of this whole trainwreck.

    I need to expedite this process. I know I'll be fine once we agree on a decision- but the waiting... the not-knowing... it's entirely unbearable and, as I've said, I'm not really in the position to be handling any added stress.

    Help.
     
  8. BourgieBohemian

    BourgieBohemian New Member

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    We're both in our twenties.

    I agree entirely with your fear. I don't feel weak for "caving" (although- he really beat the shit out of himself over it) - I'm actually incredibly proud of myself, of both of us really, for coming this far. But, yes, I do feel that our relationship is supersaturated with Love and quite metastable in nature- so that distance is probably our greatest ally in avoiding any disturbance to our current solution.
     
  9. fray

    fray New Member

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    It sounds like you have already made the decision. You are just having trouble sticking to it. You don't want a relationship. So, have a friendship. Random emails about important life things, occasional dinner or something to catch up, and otherwise, no contact. (And let it go no further than that.)

    To me it sounds like you are laying out exactly what you want, or at least what you don't want. I think you know. I think it's just hard to enact it.
     
  10. keelay

    keelay New Member

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    i dont think you really KNOW what love is. my fiancee and i have been through more shit than you can imagine, TOGETHER. through my horrible divorce, horrible custody bullshit with my daughter, me going to jail (ex wife's b.s.), she went homeless with me for 3 weeks when i lost my house b/c of the divorce. i lost my car as well, and she sol her mustang and bought a good running integra and we got an apartment with the left over money. i FINALLY have a good job, and am finally getting to see my daughter. she said for a year that we would be ok eventually and that if we could make it through all this, then the rest of life would be a breeze. and she was right. we are so blissfully in love. she has a good job at the hospital, and i do b.s. heat stress (dont ask) but i make great money with no benefits.
    you need to figure out if you really love and are in love, and then commit to something. a true love is so hard to find, and if you have it and throw it away to benefit your own personal life, then you arent deserving of it. who's to say that if/when you ARE ready for it, that person is still gonna be there?
     

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