I met this incredible girl

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by RUchaps, Jan 19, 2006.

  1. RUchaps

    RUchaps Active Member

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    one of those rare one-in-a-million types. Intelligent, stunningly beautiful, really kind and warm hearted, great personality, slightly innocent, close to her family, great chemistry between us... i really didnt think i would ever meet anyone better or better suited for me. She is twenty-two (but looks younger bc at 100 lbs, she's pretty small) and I am twenty-six... and i thought that was a good match age-wise too. We were hanging out after classes for most of the previous 2 weeks and I was completely falling for her. It was the first time in 8 yrs where i was actually beginning to "like" someone. Then in a phone conversation over the weekend, she lets out in the most nonchalant voice that she has a boyfriend. Why she was spending so much time with me, i didnt understand... but it hit me pretty badly. Two days later, she tells me that her boyfriend is thirty-two, a full decade older than her. I've been grossed out about it since. All i can think about is a mental picture of some hairy middle-aged guy bragging to his beer buddies about how he landed a young little girl. Yes, i know thirty-two isnt all that old, but its old enough in this case... and definitely too old for a 22 yr old (her family wasnt happy about her choice either). I feel like she's being taken advantage of without her having any idea (i also get another mental picture of them "together"). I dont know him, so perhaps he's really decent and not like that at all... but it doesnt seem likely since us guys know that guys in general are always trying to land young girls. Plus, this is a touchy subject for me bc the previous gf i did have (literally 8 yrs ago) was a very intense relationship who DID get taken advantage of numerous times in her life, including being raped 3times before i met her.
    Now when i'm around this current girl in my class, it's killing me inside all the time (every single moment) b/c i feel that i really do like her alot and wish to be more than just friends. But now even if she somehow she ended up breaking up with her bf and wanted to date me, i'm too grossed out to accept the offer (is this being irrational?). She's too kind and innocent to be viewed as a skeezy girl hooking up with her older guys, so all i can see her as is a warm hearted naive girl being used... and thats what makes it so painful.
    I guess more than anything, i just wanted someone who would listen since there is nothing i can do now (after all, she is taken). Still, if you have any good advice, i'm willing to listen.
    I'm stuck for a while in this phase, but i figure eventually the emotions will get old and emotionally tiresome, and the entire thing may just fade away. In the mean time, we're becoming closer friends everyday and i cant cut her out of my life b/c i had a issues with loneliness before i met her.
     
  2. Pringles

    Pringles New Member

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    How do you know this older thiry two year old is sleezy? YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. Get your facts straight before you start judging people. Maybe hes even nicer and better to her than you ever could be?

    I really hope you dont go out of your way to ruin there relationship for your own.

    Lastly I think this is your problem. I really hope you dont blame her or anyone else. It is something you yourself have to come over. The fact of the matter is you cant have her right now. If you want more than friends then stop hanging out with her because you wont get it.

    Life is what you make of it. If your lonely go get some friends.
     
  3. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    don't give up on her man. don't be too pushy but maybe ask her for coffee every 2 weeks or so. alot of girls will just stay with a guy until the next best thing comes around. how long have they been together?
     
  4. Zaitsevs

    Zaitsevs New Member

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    well, ^ rewind definitely stomped all over you.

    I just say, just be her friend.

    but man, I have no idea where you're at in this position other than hurting.

    I wish you the best.

    even though you don't know me, take care man.

    just, be her friend.

    and if she doesn't see something in you.. then it obviously wasn't meant to be.
     
  5. Another Loser

    Another Loser New Member

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    Maybe the 32 year old is with her for the exact same reasons you are interested in her, dumb ass. If she is such a great person men ages 26 and 32 would both be interested in her.
     
  6. RUchaps

    RUchaps Active Member

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    my original post:
    your reply:
    conclusion: You're a complete imbecile and need to return to elementary school to understand the fundamentals of reading.

    from my post again:
    your reply:
    once again, addressing an point that was already handled in my post... just proves my prior conclusion again (see above).

    Maybe thats something YOU would do. Judging form the syntax of your post, i wouldnt be surprised.

    I think i made it completely clear and obvious that this was something I was going through, and was something I had to deal with.. and no one else. And only you would be stupid enough to actually reiterate it and try to pass it off as a point of your own.

    Harvard material?? I wonder why i didnt think of that.

    Now if you can add something worthwhile to my prior venting, then i'm all ears. If you're just going to sit around here and prove to us that your mother had an affair with cheap scotch and rum during your preganancy, then click the "back" button on your browser and run along, boy.

    Read my paragraphs above, loser. and if you're implying that its ok for a 22 yr old girl to be with a 32 yr old guy, then i'm afraid you're assuming that we all live in that same trailerpark alongside you.
     
  7. Atheist

    Atheist oh, hi OT Supporter

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    Jesus, worst advice ever.

    Listen, I think 32 is too old as well. How long have they bveen together?
     
  8. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    You said it yourself mate:
    Obviously this guy must be an ok bloke if a girl of this caliber is with him. She sounds smart enough to make her own decisions without your assistance.

    You're friendzoned mate.. Move on and forget this or you won't even have her friendship. You're going to need to be ok with this and back off or she is going to push you away completely...
     
  9. RUchaps

    RUchaps Active Member

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    9 months or so. but like i say below, i cant steal a girl. my conscience would haunt me forever. thanks



    Thanks. i plan on being her friend and only that bc i do enjoy being with her. I'm not pushing for anything.. and if she ever does offer to drop her bf for me, i probably wouldnt take her up on it bc i wouldnt want to be the reason a relationship ended. besides, she doesnt appear as classy in my eyes ever since i found out about this older bf thing.
     
  10. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Here's my take on it, controvery (above) aside:

    First, I think it's interesting that you had been hanging out for two weeks but had (apparently?) never asked her on a date. If you had, you may have discovered she was taken and been able to move on a little more easily. I think it's also important to realize that it can be to your disadvantage to get to know a woman as a friend first, and not as a potential boyfriend, because she'll see you as a friend only. It can be hard to get out of friendzone some times - if not most times. So, just a thought. ;)

    Because she sees you as more of a friend - like a girlfriend - and girlfriends share everything. I think if you had not waited so long to ask her out (again, assuming you didn't but wanted to) she may have potentially dumped her current boyfriend to date you. At least it's a possibility. Why else wouldn't she mention it? Now she is spending time with you because you are giving her something her current boyfriend is not, and I would assume that is emotional warmth of some sort.

    Well, I tell you what. I was 34 when I met mf GF and she was 21. I'm not some hairy middle-aged guy who brags to beer buddies. What I am is a upstanding guy who was looking for someone who was sweet, mature, and wanted to start a family, and with whom I had great chemistry. I actually *refused* to date anyone younger than 25 at the time, but when I met her we both thought the other persons age was different. I could have sworn she was 26. She thought I was 29, tops. When we found out on our first date (after about 30 minutes of great conversation) we were shocked but realized that it didn't matter.

    Her Dad was pissed, and so were her two bothers. That is until I met them. Now we all get along very well. So, in that regards, sonny boy ;) just wait until YOU get to be in your 30's and realize that you're a great man and deserve a great young woman. I don't think there is anything wrong with it *if* it's for a good reason. Now in this guys case, we don't really know. Maybe he's cool, maybe not, but I know a lot of prick 26 year olds, too, and quite frankly the advice I give most women is to date OLDER men because many young guys are jerks and idiots. Yes, I was, and maybe even you are. Who knows? I sure don't know! All I know is when two people have chemistry how can you deny that? So... maybe they have great chemistry?

    That sucks, but maybe that does not apply to the new girl as much as it applies to you wanting to help someone in need, and maybe you are "imagining" a situation to "help" her with? Just a thought.

    Yes. You're being stupid. If she DID dump her boyfriend to be with you, it could be a immature reason to not date her. Personally, I think you are attaching that as a reason to not dating her in order to compensate for the lack of ability to ask her out. I'm not sure if that makes sense. It's like your compensating for your errors by making excuses. You should have asked her on a date, but you seem to lack a little dating knowledge, so instead you make up excuses for your failure when in fact all you have to do is learn how to ask women out, date, flirt, etc., and stay out of the friendzone.

    That's kind of a slap in her face, don't you think? On one side, you say she's a great woman, perfect for you, but on the other side you say she's too stupid to pick a good man. Come on, lighten up. She's probably a smart woman in many ways but has a connection with this other guy. There's nothing wrong with that. Again, though, it seems like you are making excuses as to why you cannot be with her as opposed to thinking "Hey, maybe I could have done this differently and she would have been dating me." Personally, I think any guy can get any woman with whom he has chemistry if she has a high interest level in him and he does not blow it.

    Well, I think it's VERY admirable that you are not chasing her since she is taken. But, at the same time, you are trying to become better friends with her and you do have a crush on her (to some extent, right?) which I think is wrong. She has a boyfriend, and if she spends time with you it could upset him (I know it would upset me if my fiance hung out with some guy who had a crush on her) and strain their relationship. If you care about her like you say you do, you need to respect her choice and back off.

    Now this is actually a very important point to think about. If she really DOES like you and wants to be with you, pulling back and letting her know you wanted to date her (but not until she is single) could work in your favor. She may realize she likes you a lot more than the BF (assuming you are flirting, joking, having a great time together) and dump him to date you. But if you just talk on the phone, are her emotional support, and do girl talk all the time then she probably will stay with her boyfriend because he is sexually virile and more of a masucline figure to her. Plus, pulling back will make her spend more time with her boyfriend and potentially make things stronger for them in some way. (Of course, how do I know? I don't! I have no idea about her schedule, relationship, etc., so you have to apply your knowledge to the situation.)

    I think what you need to do is the following:

    1. Recognize that you don't know the proper steps of courtship. You need to meet a woman, talk to her a few times, if you have chemistry AT ALL then ask for her phone number. Call her in 4-5 days and ask her on a weekday night date. Get to know her by asking her lots of questions and be fun by being flirtatious, joking, and challenging.

    2. Recognize that by NOT asking her out you may have insulted her. After all if she is so cool most mature guys will ask her out. If you don't, she'll wonder why and think that she's too ugly, stupid, fat or something else otherwise you would have asked her out. Think about it - ever wonder why a certain firl would not talk to you? Don't you think "She must think I am dumb or ugly." Yeah, girls do that too. Asking her out is a compliment, even if she has to make an excuse (refuse you). You may want to check out this article I wrote about it:

    http://www.friendzoned.com/content/view/19/1/

    3. Recognize that being a friend to a woman potentially makes you child-like in her eyes. You want to avoid doing things that are friend-like until after you get to know her, have dated her, and are intimate. (Basically, not strictly!) All I am saying is that talking to her for two weeks and then having long phone conversations WILL get you friendzoned because you are acting non-sexual, which is like a child. It's like a girlfriend. Women want a mature, responsible gentleman and a gentleman would make his intentions clear, not beat around the bush. She knows men want sex, she knows men want to date her, and if you don't ask then it means she is flawed. To protect her feelings she will catagorize you as "friend" or "child" and still be nice to you. This makes her like the caring mother and you like the child to be cared for - but not the lover. You may want to check out this other article I wrote on getting to know her and not get friendzoned:

    http://www.friendzoned.com/content/view/13/28/

    So, if I were you, I would go read up some dating advice web sites and books, and learn how to ask women out. Until you do that, I think you'll have lots of issues with lonliness.
     
  11. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    You know, I forgot to add one thing: I think you picked the wrong woman to begin with.

    Why do I say this?

    Well, I've been meaning to write an in-depth article about this, but let me give you some high points:

    You should realize that picking the right woman from the beginning can make or break you. Here are some thoughts to consider when picking a potential GF:

    The MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE IS TO BE SURE SHE IS CLINICALLY SANE!!!! I cannot stress this enough. Do NOT date any woman who is excessively emotionally unstable. You will regret it. You want a nice, normal, down to earth woman.

    2. Is she single?

    3. Is she interested in you? (This is important - it is not good if you are falling for her yet she has zero interest in you as a partner.)

    4. Do you have social chemistry (as indicated by great conversations, common interests, and common social lives [i.e., going out or staying in])?

    5. Do you have sexual chemistry (as indicated by flirting, touching, teasing)?

    6. Does she meet all of your standards (such as body shape, hair color, chemical addictions [smoking, drinking, drugs], marriage, kids, financial savvy, criminal history, behavior, mood swings, quality friends, etc.)

    7. Is she loyal, trustworthy, devoted, caring, sharing, and flexible? (You don't want to date a woman who cheats on you, gives you crap about what you love to do, never helps around the house, and is controlling or excessively authoritative.)

    In your case, it would seem 2, 3, 5 all play into it. So, in my opinion, you failed to recognize THREE major issues that make the potential relationship unsuitable. Now, if she were to dump the BF, it could be totally different. ;)
     
  12. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Who are you to say 32 is too old for a 22 year old? Are you planning on making more decisions for her if you two get together?

    when i was in my early 20's I thought 30 was old too. Now that I'm 30 I still feel young. Hopefully you will too.

    I just started a new job and everyone there thinks I'm 19 (seriously). So don't assume he looks his age and is "gross," he might look younger than you.

    I love Poco's rule #3, its the gold standard for me when it comes to dating and relationships. If the day comes that she isn't interested in me, I'm out of there. You may read that and think its obvious, but I personally stayed in a 7 year relationship about 5 years too long because I did not heed that rule. Its equally important in the beginning because it will save you time, money, and frustration.
     
  13. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    You are in pain, and pain can sometimes produce some messed up, obsessive, thinking. Try to be good to yourself , and allow time to neutralize some of the weirdness going on in your brain right now.
    I am sorry you were hurt.
     
  14. RUchaps

    RUchaps Active Member

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    Thanks for any help to those that contributed. I think i should have mentioned earlier that she initiated everything with me... she approached me after both of the first two classes to talk, she asked me for my phone number, and she asked me to study together for those times we spent together. All i ever did was accept her offers. Then after doing this for a few times, i asked her to hang out and visit miami beach over the weekend, which is when she replied "thats by where my bf lives... ok let's go". Wierd response, i know.
    I doubt she changed her mind after getting to know me bc we clicked so well and could talk for hrs. Either this wasnt enough for her and i'm misinterpreting the amount of chemistry between us, or she only approached me to only see if she could "get" me (and when i asked her out to the beach, that was enough confirmation for her). I've also had times when i've been approached by girls who were into me, but were content with their current bf's and didnt plan on ending what they already had with them. I'm willing to leave it at "she was just being a girl". Whatever it is.. its on the backburner now as my house was broken into last night and somehow this seems less important than having a possibly armed man inside your room while you're asleep at night (there's a post about it on the main board). In the end, there are always other fish in the sea, and if i had remembered to keep my options open, i wouldnt have become attached.
     
  15. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Sounds to me like she is interested in you as a friend only. Maybe she actually needed someone to study with. If she was interested in you romantically do you think she would be that aggressive?

    Unless she is desperate (which it doesn't sound like), she would most likely be waiting for you to approach her.
     
  16. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Okay, had I known that... :lol: Yeah, you've been friendzoned. If she wanted to date you, she would have waited for you to ask for her number. While it's possible for her to have approached you, that normally is a sign that she wants you to catch onto her liking you and ask her out. So, maybe she did, but since you didn't you told her (non-verbally) "You're too ugly, fat, or stupid for me." Now you're friendzoned.

    No, not a weird response, in fact that was a HUGE test and you failed it. You should have said "Wait, you have a boyfriend???!?!?! I can't hang out with you! Sorry, I thought you were single. Well, anyway, if you dump him, give me a call sometime." and say goodbye and walk away. The point here is that you have obviously NEVER made your intentions clear. By not responding to the boyfriend line (which can be a shocker, I know it can catch you off guard!) you told her "Yeah, I'm fine with paying your way and getting nothing in return." Bad, bad, bad! :nono:

    Talking for hours = friends. See, you made the fatal flaw of getting to know her OUTSIDE of a date. That is what a date is for - to get to know each other *and* signal that it's for romantic reasons. Getting to know her outside of a date = friends.

    This doesn't quite make sense to me... It sounds like you had social chemistry but not sexual chemistry. Without the sexual (butterflies, flirting, etc.) then you're just friends. You are mis-interpreting things to think there is more when the really isn't.

    Then they were not into you, they were just attention whores and you were a sucker who gave them something they were not getting from their BF, and they did not have to give you anything in return.

    Remember, it's "give AND take." Seems like you give and never take, which is not a strong position to come from. It makes you more like a child than a partner.

    I'd say it was more you "just being a boy." And the trick is that you need to start acting like a man. You know what you want, don't waste a lot of time asking for it, and if she is not interested move on.

    Sucks about your house. When things calm down, remember to only get attached *after* you've gone a few dates. :)
     
  17. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    werd.

    ive dated a 32, 36 yo when i was 20-21. my last bf was a 30 yo, and im 23. get over yourself,and your suporiority complex. those relationships had there ups and downs like any, but never was i taken advantage of, nor treated poorly. i found them to be very fullfilling.

    if youre so worried about age, go find someone your own age. 26ers are typically going to be in the same stage of life as a 30 yo, ie working not in college. why do you have to pry on little college girls (assuming she went)?

    if its so distgusting, move on. DO NOT berate her. its not your place. its her choice to decide who se dates. you sound obsessed and possesive. shes in a relationship, like it or not, you cant change it and it would be wrong of you to try. if you can handle being freinds with her, then cool, but i dont think thats the case and i recomend you move on.

    you seem to be the one targeting her in a pedofilic manner with your ''she looks even younger cause shes so small'' remarks.
     

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