SRS I Made A Hard Decision -- I Need Support

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by METALLlC BLUE, Jul 3, 2004.

  1. I asked my girlfirend to leave today. My girlfriend is just a fantastic person, but she suffers from serious issues which have begun to do serious damage to my self esteem, and my finances. I live on Social Security because I am disabled.

    My girlfriend suffers from something's which have yet to be defined. I know she's an adult child [her parents are both alcoholics, and very abusive] and I know she suffers from horrendous depression, but I also know she has addictive behaviors such as overeating, and money spending problems. Unfortunately, because of my poor health for the past many years Sue has been the one responsible for handling the money.

    I was awarded SSI 3 months ago. The money was retroactive from when I first was defined as disabled, which was the year 2000. They sent me about Thirty Thousand dollars. Twenty Six of which I had to send back to my disability insurance company. If I was ever awarded SSI, it was written in my contract to pay back the private insurance company. The remaining money was there to help me rebuild my life. Additionally SSI would send me 900 dollars per month every month from this point forward as long as I continued to be disabled.

    Lately I've been feeling reasonable enough take on some of the responsibility for handling the finances, so I've begun organizing my bank accounts, and bills. I've spoken with my Credit Union at least 4-5 times in the last 3 days. While organizing the bills, I found out that my girlfriend had spent all of that money from SSI. Some of it went towards groceries, and normal daily spending, as well as rent. I estimate based on the transactions I saw in the bank accounts that she blew thru around 3-4K of my SSI money. On top of that she wasn't paying bills on time, nor was she paying off my credit card. The money was supposed to be used to pay bills, and to help me rebuild my life, and instead she was destroying it.

    At any rate I've been with this girl for nearly 1/5th of my life. I've asked her countless times to get help, and she refused to. I suggested she go to both therapy, and her doctor for treatment of her depression. I wanted to help her. I've worked so hard to be understanding, and yet, my shortcomings have always been the fact that I was afraid to let her go, I was afraid to surrender to the fact that I was powerless over her circumstance. I thought I could help, and all I've done is hurt her by enabling her.

    This financial situation which she has created is not the first time. She has done it before. Once on this same magnitude [a few grand], and 3 other times on a smaller magnitude of about 500 to 1000. This is a lot of money when you consider I only collect 900 per month, and she doesn't work.

    I sat down with her yesterday and this is the conversation we had:​

    I began the conversation by holding her hand and telling her that I loved her. I told her that we have some very serious things to talk about. Sue asked if I was breaking up with her, and I told her "It's not that simple."

    I told her that I called the bank yesterday [7/1/04] as I was organizing the payee lists and bank accounts. I told her that I consolidated the accounts [we had 3-4 accounts], and that I was on the phone with the bank for 2 hours. While talking with the bank I found out that all of the accounts were empty. I talked with the bank about the transactions which had taken place and tried to figure out where the money went. I told Sue that I know she took the money and spent it. I told her that I was not sure how much she spent, but that I knew based on the transactions that she had taken quite a lot of it. I told Sue that I would like her to find away to give the money back, and that I needed at least 1,000 dollars immediately to pay rent [Due July 1st & Credit Card Minimum Also Due July 1st].

    I continued speaking and told her that this was very hard for me - and I began to cry as I spoke. I said I was very angry with her, and especially angry with what she had done, but that I've forgiven her. I told her I had hopes and dreams tied up in that money, that I wanted to pay down debts, and begin investing and building a future, and that she had taken that from me.

    I told her there will be no ultimatums, and that I will not tell her what she must do after she leaves - it's up to you. [She's heard it enough in the past that she needs help] I then told her that I would like her to leave today. I told her to pack up a bag. I then stood up and told her that I love her a lot, and that I loved her enough to let her go.

    Later on that day she took off her ring and bracelet that I gave her as my sign of commitment. She left them on a desk. As she was packing I asked her why she left them, and she said "I didn't think you would think I was worthy of wearing these anymore." I told her that's absolutely not true, and that she is very worthy. I told her if she leaves those here, then it's her giving up on me, not me giving up on her. As she continued to pack she asked me if this was going to be permanent, and I told her it's only permanent if she chooses for it to be.

    She's very angry, both with me, and with herself. This has been a very painful thing for me to do, but for my health, and my recovery I've had to turn faith over to a higher power. I don't know if it's permanent, but I do know she will not be coming back into my life until she changes [Get's treatment, pays me back, and actually works on recovery], and that's a decision she'll have to make.

    If anyone has anything postive to share, please do, because I'm grieving here, and in a lot of pain. Please leave negativity out of this thread. I believe I've done the right thing, but I feel very alone.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 3, 2004
  2. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    :hug:

    I read that whole thing...

    You summed it up at the bottom pretty well. You should know enough about people that you're powerless over them and their decisions - but you can just accept your higher power's will for you and see where it takes you.

    It seems to me that she is playing your emotions because she knows she can garner sympathy and hurt by just saying / doing certain things (i.e. "oh im not worth of wearing these" - and expecting you to say otherwise).

    You have posted before and it seems that growing up in the situations you have, with the family you've had, and the relationships you've been in, etc etc etc - that you're probably an easy target emotionally, if you catch my drift. That's not a bad thing, but you need to realize that some people can mistake kindness for weakness.

    The periods of time when life seems the hardest but you stick through it and don't give in - are usually doors to the greatest growth you'll experience in life as well. Steadfast courage and determination are wonderful, but acceptance and humility are even better. Listen to what you know is right and do it anyways. This will really actually pass and even though you have no idea what hte outcome will be - if you do the right thing and be open minded, exactly what SHOULD happen WILL happen.

    One final note: you can not really be the judge of a changed person. The externalities that you set down for those "changes" that you expect (i.e. gets treatment, pays you back, and actually works on recovery) can be done without honesty. I would actually tend to advise that you accept that she may or may not choose to do those things but they will work only if she is willing to let them.

    Good luck. You'll be ok.
     
  3. Thank you for the support Nukegoat. If I was not disabled, this choice would have been much easier. I'm dependant on people around me, and SSI to be able to survive, but if I had my health, things would have been much different. I would have asked her to leave the first time, but back then I didn't have SSI or anyone to support me. Now my family supports me and the SSI is dependable.

    Just to clarify: I didn't tell her she had to get treatment, or that she had to work on her recovery in order to come back into my life. What I meant was that in my mind I've decided that she will not be allowed back into my home unless she's gotten treatment for quite awhile, and continues to do so even once she enters my home again. Even then, It will be quite a long time before she can move back in with me. I don't expect this to be short term.

    I did however tell her that I would like to be paid back, and the amounts I gave her were 1,000K immediately, and 4,000 dollars in total. She said she would, and we'll see if she does. If she does not, I will absorb the cost and rebuild my life regardless. In-fact I will begin now regardless of what she does.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 3, 2004
  4. Additionally:

    During the day today she came back to the house in order to collect her things. She and I had a talk, and I told her that I still loved her very much, and that as long as she has possession of my ring [the ring I gave her when we became engaged] that our commitment to each other shall live on. I told her quite awhile back that I couldn't imagine being with anyone else, and that remains true now. I told her that while I she can't live under my roof, and that I can't support her financially, I do support her in other ways.

    I told her that I would like to keep in touch with her, and know where she's staying. She then asked me if it was appropriate if she still told me she loved me at the conclusion of any phone calls or encounters, and I said of course. I told her I still love her very much, and that if she feels the same, then it would be more than appropriate.

    Awhile later, as she was sitting on the computer [she's uploading her entire profile from the computer] I told her something of significance. I said "Do you know that money that you took was going to be used to build a future for us? I was going to use that money to raise enough money for us to move back to Florida. She was raised in Florida and for as long as I've known her asked me repeatedly if we could move down there. Without telling her, I had begun making plans and investments in order to raise money quickly so we could make the transition.

    After I told her this she became very ashamed, and began to cry quite a lot. I left the room and didn't come back for quite awhile. She realized what she had done. She had not only harmed me, but now she knows she harmed herself in a tangible way. Florida is the holy grail for her, she absolutely loves it there, and has fantasized and begged me for nearly 6 years to move back home, but because of my poor health I was unable to make the transition. There are no Lyme Disease specialists in Florida who can treat me effectively. I see the worlds most renown Lyme expert in Boston, so making the decision to move was not something I could do until I regained my health. Unfortunately with Chronic Lyme Disease I expect to be sick for many years before the therapy can effectively cure the infection.

    During our second conversation later that day I asked her if she was abusing alcohol and drugs. I had found quite a lot of bottles on our back porch. She told me she was not - and she may be telling the truth - but I do not believe her. I told her that if she was then it was something she needed to handle on her own, and that lying to me at this point had no value regardless. If she is having problems with drugs or alcohol, that is another burden she'll have to endure.
     
  5. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    Well, naturally we always can think that "if only i had this" or "if this was different" or "if this hadnt happened" that things would work out in our minds. Why go there? I'm not saying you are - you seem to understand the dangers of the "what ifs" but for anyone else out there who may get hope or strength from your story...

    I think it is also wise of you to request the respective funds back in return but accept that its really her choice to do so or not. It may take a long long long time as well.

    You will do fine man... i have faith in you. I believe that writing about it in a journal form would be really beneficial as well... get it off your chest, you know?
     
  6. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    additionally - don't make her feel any worse by telling her how much wrong she's done. Not only will this hurt her (even though maybe it might trigger some emotional response that promotes recovery), it might put you in a position of regret or feeling sorry for making her feel bad. That was my experience with my ex anyways - I would say stuff that she should feel hurt over, then i would feel bad because she was hurt, etc etc etc.

    What active addiction didn't do to me in regards of hitting an emotional bottom - my last relationship did. it HURT...

    But you know what? like i said before - through our darkest hours, through our toughest times - comes the most important development possible. Use this time wisely and be willing to learn and it'll be one of the most emotionally developing times for BOTH of you.
     
  7. Thanks for the suggestions Nukegoat. I'm trying to be as kind as I can be - knowing she's sick. I am still angry, but I will work on forgiving her. I realize she's sick, yet I also realize she did do me wrong, and is responsible for it. My anger is appropriate, but I will also be as reasonable as I can be in how I respond to her, and how I treat her. I am responsible for my words, and my behavior. I am responsible for me. It's important that I choose my words carefully, and that I say what I mean and mean what I say.

    This is not a time to react - which could make things much worse -- it is a time to make appropriate choices to reduce my suffering, and begin healing, and that is what I will do.
     
  8. She just called me from the place she's currently staying. She's very angry with me. She began crying and told me that she has nowhere to go, and that she can't live out of her car without any money, or without any food for 2 weeks. She told me that she could not bum off her friends for 2 weeks until her mother arrived. Her mother is flying up from Florida and will likely help her out.

    She began getting angry and telling me that what I was doing was not fair. I told her that there was nothing I could do. I told her she needed to speak with her friends and find away to solve the problem. She then got very angry and began telling me that she had just as much a right to stay here as I do, and that the apartment is hers too. I told her that because she spent all of the money, that she had defaulted on the rent. Because my mother [the landlord] owns the apartment, she's had to absorb the cost since we can't pay her. I told her she will have to find another place to go.

    She then told me she can't, and that she has the cat, and can't just live out of the car. I told her that she can leave the cat here, and her sarcastic response was "Oh, you'll let the cat stay there." She only has 20 dollars on her as well. She then began getting hysterical, and angry, and said "I can't believe you. This isn't fair, I'm a human being. You can't do this to a human being."

    I told her "Sorry, there isn't anything I can do. If you exhaust all avenues and need a place to stay, then perhaps you can stay here temporarily." I told her she'll have to wait until Monday though, and that she should call as many of her friends as she can.

    This is brutal for me. I feel a lot of guilt. I do believe I'm doing the right thing. I asked my father if he could loan me 1K to get the ball rolling and he said he didn't have it. So I'm in a very bad situation.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 4, 2004
  9. I just called my counselor also. I need support. This is very difficult for me, and I feel horrendous guilt. I need constant support to know whether I'm doing the right thing, or whether I need to be more flexible in regards to how I respond.

    Would it be appropriate for me to suggest to her [the girlfriend] if she calls again to have her mother wire money via Western Union or some other money transfer service? Or do you think it would be wise to let her find away on her own? I don't want to be inflexible, or rude to her. I feel awful, and as though I'm being indifferent towards her, especially when she began to get upset with me. I made a comment saying "If you hadn't spent the money, this circumstance would be different - this wouldn't be the consequence." Am I being cold?

    I am trying so hard here to handle this appropriately, and it's very difficult because I'm in the middle of it.
     
  10. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    :sad2:


    :hug: You're doing good so far. I just had to shake a whole ordeal with a cat... ugh
     
  11. Thanks Nukegoat. I talked with my counselor and she agreed I'm doing the right thing. :)
     
  12. shaunone

    shaunone Guest

    instead of all the drama, if she admits she did wrong tell her to get a job and start payin the fuckin bills...specially if you have been supporting her, hell tell her to call her family and get the money...it aint your fault, but i wouldnt be that cold to my fiancee
     
  13. I have an update: She is here right now as I write this. This is horrible. She called me about 30 minutes ago and asked if she could come by to pick up some of her things. I said ok. She has since arrived.

    I told her I was selling the car and considering taking out a loan to repair the situation. I mentioned to her that if she was on speaking terms with her mother, that she could possibly have her mother do a wire transfer. I told her she can use her own paypal account, or she can have the money wired to a friends account. I also told her that if that was not possible she could wire me the money, and I would turn it over to her. She was very quiet, and very sad looking. But below the surface I could see the resentment brewing. Her anger was furious.

    She told me she will try to work during the week and give me half of whatever she makes.

    I then told her I was considering bankruptcy as a final option and she then told me not to. She said if I did that, that I would damage my credit for 7 years. I then told her my credit is already damaged, and I told her that I would not be the one damaging it if I was forced to make that choice. She then got angry and said "Are you going to keep rubbing it in? I got the point. I've heard it enough, I get it."

    I told her that I will not feel guilty or be made responsible for this. I told her that she'll have to excuse me if.....[She cut me off here and said] "If you're cold, and indifferent? Yeah, I got that too."

    I then told her. "I would like you to hurry up and leave."

    She said in a sarcastic tone "Yes, I know my being here isn't good for you, I know." I then repeated myself and said "I will not be responsible or made to feel this way. Hurry up and get your things and leave." She then began to cry and said "I don't know why I'm treating you this way. I'm so sorry, you didn't do anything." I said "I don't care, get your things and leave."

    I then came here to update you all. This is just awful. What a brutal slow death this relationship is enduring. Tell me again I'm doing the right thing.
     
  14. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    its absolutely the right thing, as evidenced.


    clean breaks are easier than messy ones but its rarely a clean break unless its
    'hey i just don't want to do this anymore, also im moving to another continent'
     
  15. I've continued this discussion in Asylum. I originally posted it both there and here because there were two components. I needed emotional support based on the event itself [like anyone would] and I needed information on my recovery as to how it related to what was transpiring.
     
  16. mr2chi><0r

    mr2chi><0r New Member

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    :eek3:


    I admire your strong will and courage. I think what you're doing is absolutely the right thing for you, and you're handling it really well. :hug:
     
  17. tryfuhl

    tryfuhl New Member

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    You're doing well at staying strong through this man, keep it up.
     
  18. For those interested in the conclusion. It can be found in Asylum. I've since been dating, and meeting other women.
     
  19. O'Fuck

    O'Fuck Guest

    Good for you. Good luck man.
     
  20. GRAND_LS 4

    GRAND_LS 4 New Member

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    good for you man, good for you.
     

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