SRS I know better, and yet...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Nite_Lilly, Apr 28, 2010.

  1. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    I know all the reasons why I 'should' HATE his guts. He's arrogant, manipulative, loves his money more than his family, but I cannot let go of my feelings for him!!!!!!!!! I've tried EVERYTHING!

    There seems to be no connection between logic/reason and the way I feel. Even at the times when I think I'm over him, or even when he does or says something to get me angry at him, there is this thing in my gut that forgives his flawed, imperfect STUPID ass self and remembers the good side. Afterall I did promise to love him for better or worse...; and it can't get any worse between us than this.

    What's wrong with me!?

    I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Emotions trigger a deeper, more primitive part of your brain. Not your prefrontal cortex.

    Loving for better or worse, come what may, etc. is a grand, noble ideal.
    But really, that applies when both sides are working at it.

    And the 'better or worse' is meant for what life throws at you BOTH. Not what you throw at each other. See the difference?
    It means you stand as a team. You don't sound like you're part of any team.



    There are limits to self-sacrifice. You sound very unhappy, and what remains of your happiness comes from clinging to idealized memories of the distant past.

    Ask yourself how you want to live your life in the future.



    Life is short. Life is precious.

    After you've made a suitable attempts, and attempts should rightly be measured in months and years -- not weeks -- then I think you have to start thinking about your own future. One which doesn't include HIM.

    Parting amicably is much better than remaining together miserably.
     
  3. Arkaybee

    Arkaybee New Member

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    I have never thought of it like this. You sir, or ma'am, are a genious
     
  4. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    Yes, I agree with almost everything you said.

    I don't idealize the past or him. But just because our life wasn't perfect, in my mind at least, it didn't mean that we couldn't still work it out and enjoy the parts that were good. [He tended to be pessimistic, always complaining about things, not just the marriage.] Nobody's life is perfect. Nobody's marriage is perfect. But he seemed to think that I should be the one to make changes and make the compromises, but not him. He claimed he did everything he could to save the marriage.

    I know I have to make plans for my life without him in it. I want to, at this point. That's why this is as frustrating as hell. I can't make my feelings for him go away. And as long as I have feelings for him, I find it really hard to consider other relationships.
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    The hard lesson is that you shouldn't attach your precious loving emotions into a place where you will only receive hurt. Love has got to go both ways, and in your situation it was a one way road coming from your side, you got nothing back from your loving investment, meaning that the love given led to a fruitless result, you can keep going on and hurting yourself forever, or you can make the wise choice to detach your emotions, and put them into the hands of someone who will give love in return. The only way to replace an ex bf is by finding a new bf.
     
  6. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Are you sure it's your feelings for him that keep you there? I challenge you to quantify your exact feelings, for what and whom and why. My guess is that you prefer to deal with the pain of the known (himself and his flaws, and the household dynamics with both of you in it) rather than the fear of the unknown (you being on your own, and possibly some unknown future flame and said flame's unknown traits).

    It sounds like Stockholm syndrome.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome
     
  7. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    That's terrible advice! :ugh: You should live for yourself, not for a romantic entanglement with anyone else! If anything, nite_lilly needs some enforced time alone with a few good books!
     
  8. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    It's difficult to know in the beginning of any relationship where it'll end up. We were a really good team, loving and supportive, at the start. I got really bonded to him, and I think, for all the right reasons. I never thought he would hurt me like this. I never thought he would be the selfish, cheating SOB that he turned into.

    There is perhaps one aspect of the Stockholm syndrome present in his behavior in that he is highly manipulative emotionally. But the other conditions are not present, such as my isolation from others, extreme dependence, threats of violence or the initial 'capture' scenario.

    Because this is something I hadn't considered before, I will not dismiss the idea, but give it some more thought. Thanks.


    At this point, I wouldn't mind just going out on dates to dinner and a movie, just for fun. I need some fun. Had enough sadness.
     
  9. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Its great advice, because she already says that she can't get her mind of him, meaning that reading books won't be able to stop her from thinking about her ex, while getting a new bf would be a lot better distraction and will make her move on with her life.:nono:
     
  10. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    :uh: This isn't high school drama. I'm not going to get into it. You have no clue what you're talking about, let's just leave it at that.
     
  11. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Only time will learn , but explain why you think that being alone would make her stop from thinking about him.
     
  12. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    this is an excellent example of "attraction is not a choice"
     
  13. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Emotions trump logic every single time. It's difficult to let go of relationships and marriages are even more difficult. There's such an investment in emotions and plans and all that.

    At some point, "what we could have been" has to give way to "what we actually are today" and this happens for everyone at different times. I've found it helpful to ask myself am I in love with this person or my image of them and unfortunately throughout my life I've fallen in love with images time and time again.

    Don't let anyone tell you what you should or should not do. You need to honor your own feelings and take care of yourself, even if your friends don't approve of your choices. You may end up following their advice in the end but until you're ready to move in a certain direction, it's best not to rush things.

    I know a few people that listened to their friends and had to live with very significant questions throughout their lives. They kept thinking about what would have happened if they had not followed their friends advice and just followed their hearts.

    We have a saying in AA that is, "It takes what it takes." So don't be too hard on yourself if you find you're not as strong as you want to be. Sometimes it takes people going back multiple times before they can find the strength to leave for good.

    anyways, good luck and God bless.
     
  14. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    *sigh*

    She needs to stop the cycle of abuse. Yes, emotional abuse is abuse. Abusers are scum but the victims may not have the strength to just walk away. Jumping into another relationship before examining why she's compelled to make this one work is just delaying a resolution of the real issue, whatever that is.

    Recommending that someone get into another relationship to escape the current one without taking some time in between to assess the situation is like recommending that a heroin addict use meth to get off the dope. Sure, she may not be using using heroin any more but she's just traded one problem for another and is still in deep shit!
     
  15. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    Yes, that's why I said that there seems to be no connection between logic and the way I feel about him. If I were to look at the facts on paper, I would say what others have said to me, that it's time to move on. But the attraction to him is on a level that defies the facts alone. It must be chemical/spiritual; I felt differently about him from the moment I met him. There was no question in my mind that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.

    So, what do I do now? Where am I going to find that feeling with anyone else. And, I knew from the time I was little that I wanted a mate to share my life with. Not in a 'dependent' sort of way, but in a 'sharing' sort of way. When I met him, he was it. I'm befuddled that he is gone, because I swore he felt the same. Midlife crisis sucks!

    At the earlier stages, I did see him in an idealized way at times, and it was upsetting whenever he didn't live up to those ideals. But I'm way past that now, I see his flaws and his good points. I don't expect him to be perfect, just open and honest.

    I have very supportive friends, but I think they wonder why I still feel this way. So I'm here to let it out, and I put on a brave face in my real life.

    Yes, I agree with your point, but I don't feel abused. More like 'lied-to' or 'misled'.

    I mentioned before that he was manipulative, which can be abuse, if you don't see through it. But I do. I had to learn that that's his way of coping with his issues, controlling his situations. I don't hold it against him, but I wouldn't put up with it when he turned his manipulating ways toward me. I wouldn't be his doormat. That's part of the reason we got divorced; he couldn't control me to his satisfaction, and it's what he would have to fix before we could be together again. And I do see his capacity for fixing that if he wanted to. Or he can learn that lesson over and over in new relationships.
    You don't throw your kids away just because they are not perfect, and I believe, that shouldn't throw your partner away either if they are not perfect. So I hold out hope that he'll find his way, and it'll be back to me.

    And it's at this point where people look at me like I'm crazy...
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2010
  16. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    I'll have to see him soon and it's giving me sleepless nights and a nervous stomach.
     
  17. 3MTA3

    3MTA3 er skotin mit mein ambatt

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    All I can offer is this happened to me a couple weeks ago when I was conflicted over if I missed my ex, my family or both. The anxiety surrounding the situation sucks the life out ofyou. I focused and practiced deep breathing when I layed down at night... worked because it got my mind off the ex.

    I hope you get quality sleep soon. It may seem you're choosing to obsess, but lettting go is not as easy as flipping a light switch for some people. It sounds like you're still vunerable to him, focus on the logical aspect you discussed earlier and how your life is going to be better for you without him.

    Good luck and keep us posted.
     
  18. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    Thank you for your suggestions. I will try the deep breathing before sleep.

    I wonder what it will take before I can keep him from having this effect on me. I think that deep down I don't really WANT to stop loving him. I'm put into the position of "I have to stop" loving him. I just don't know how to do that yet.
     
  19. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I'm a firm believer that noone can have any effect on me unless I give them that power. If I gave it to them, I can take it back. Your unwillingness to take it back is IMO because there is a payoff for you. You get to keep talking about how awful it is, how you just can't help yourself and all that....that provides attention for you and allows you to keep wallowing in this victim role. All your girlfriends will probably go "AWWWW....it's ok" or some such and you get to keep the attention focused on you.

    Right now the payoff you receive from not changing is greater than your perceived pay off of changing. You will make the change and take back your control when you see more benefits from changing.

    How about helping someone else with their problems? Often times that helps me get out of a rut and stop being so focused on me and it helps me heal.
    That's the thing, I don't think you really do love him. I think you love the image of him....but you've denied that but I'm not buying your denial. The guy honestly sounds like a douche.
     
  20. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Why must you see him?
     
  21. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    exactly what i was going to say.
     
  22. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Why can't you look at him and see the embodiment of all the trouble you've been through, instead of seeing the embodiment of your masculine ideal? It doesn't sound like you're evaluating him for who he actually is except when he's there making you miserable.
     
  23. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    Actually, I have pretty much stopped talking to my friends about this, precisely because I don't want to keep sounding like a victim. To them I pretend I'm over him.

    That's why I'm here! I'm trying to find a way to change how I feel about him.
    We share custody of our son. It's inevitable.
    Well! Just this morning I found out that he is once again saying stuff to our son in a way to make me look bad to our son. So, I'm angry at him, and the feelings of betrayal come to the surface, making me wonder how he could do that. So, I feel lonely, alone and betrayed, and still, I want him to stop doing it and be the man I know he can be. Why do I still have ANY faith in this man? I don't know, but I can't get him out from under my skin! At this point I want to, just so I can get on with my life without him.

    Any ideas???????

    [I already volunteer, have other interests, spend time with friends....it's the time when I'm alone that are the hardest. I can't always have someone with me to keep my mind and heart occupied! I'm beginning to think that the saying of 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new' might be the answer. So far I have not had any 'bells ringing' for anyone else, though!]
     
  24. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    If you haven't seen a counselor, make an appointment now. If you have and you can't get past these (very valid) questions with your current therapist, find a new one. There's a stumbling block in there that you've identified and you'll probably need some personalized help getting over it.
     
  25. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Well I don't think you'll heal until you start being honest about everything.

    You coming here instead of talking to your friends still allows you to perpetuate the image the victim role. A victim can suffer in silence and still get the payoff from living in that role.

    It's great that you say you want to change but your actions sure don't indicate that YOU want to change. You seem to only want HIM to change.

    You're also still denying that you're not in love with his image but it seems quite clear from your post that you are in fact....in love with his image and not the real him.

    When you say you want him to stop all this behavior and just be the man you know he can be. HELLOO....that's an image. You're in love with what you want him to be NOT what he is.
     

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