I just wrote this "Singles Ad" parody

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Mugwump, Nov 18, 2005.

  1. Mugwump

    Mugwump Guest

    :o

    --

    Now accepting applications for "Girlfriend" position

    Seeking personable, attractive, motivated, low maintenance, young women to assist me in my weekly duties, including comforting, pampering, whining, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, sightseeing, kissing, hugging, etc.

    Required skills include 30 minute showers or less (1 hour bathroom time or less), low-to-moderate daily cellphone activity, enough spider-killing experience to not have to wake me up in the middle of the night to do it for you, keeping your voice down, enough self-esteem to not start crying when you're drunk and no nagging me like my mom does.

    Previous experience in ballet, dance, gymnastics or Brazilian Jiu Jitsu a plus.

    Follow-up interviews will be held at an American or Chinese "all-you-can-eat" buffet of my choice, and you're still paying for half.

    Good luck!
     
  2. bandwagon

    bandwagon Copy/Paste

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    Sounds crazy but I bet this kind of profile on a singles page would actually work. Quick, someone set up a myspace account and test it out.
     
  3. Mugwump

    Mugwump Guest

    That's actually where I just posted it. Here's some responses...
     
  4. Mugwump

    Mugwump Guest

    From: Tammy
    Date: Nov 18, 2005 8:28 AM

    you know, it's funny you say this... there's a joke from Seinfeld, something like "a date is nothing more than an interview that lasts all night" going with that, I thought we all should take it a step farther and prepare resumes for first dates.. sort of a good way to lay it all out from the get go..

    I used to live with two guys and they made me kill ALL the bugs

    and do you know that the average person will swallow 11 spiders in their sleep during their lifetime?
     
  5. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    thats really cool, I'm gonna steal that from you :)
     
  6. bandwagon

    bandwagon Copy/Paste

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    Haha the girl started to qualify herself to you. Interesting.

    More evidence that a cocky and funny profile, with high standards seems to be more successful than a supplicant mushy profile.
     
  7. Mugwump

    Mugwump Guest

    those standards aren't very high :squint:

    I just don't want a girl who talks on her cellphone or uses up all my hot water.
     
  8. bandwagon

    bandwagon Copy/Paste

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    Having SOME standards is high for most guys :dunno:
     
  9. Mugwump

    Mugwump Guest

    From: Bri
    Date: Nov 18, 2005 11:41 AM

    you run a tight ship. What are your policies on deodorent and leg shaving?
    Are there stipulations on undergarments? Are they a must?

    :wackit:
     
  10. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    :rofl:
     
  11. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
     
  12. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    Reply saying undergarments are banned :rofl:
     
  13. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    where did you put this in your myspace profile? Or are you emailing that to them?
     
  14. Mugwump

    Mugwump Guest

    bulletin FTW
     
  15. islanderman7

    islanderman7 New Member

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    good luck in finiding this person
     
  16. Mugwump

    Mugwump Guest

    Thanks, I understand that finding a woman who doesn't talk on her cellphone all day and can't kill spiders is a commodity.
     
  17. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    :rofl: too funny... i kill spiders (hehe, i actually thought about a career in forensic entomology), and my name is tammy :o

    ;) but no, i'm not the woman that responded... but i'm pretty sure i could handle all those requests :mamoru:
     
  18. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    so do you like to cuddle after or just roll off and go to sleep? :)
     
  19. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Have you seen the show "Bones"?? The one assistant kinda reminds me of you in a way :o
     
  20. Mugwump

    Mugwump Guest

    [​IMG] Monapenny

    [​IMG]
    What's kind of benefits package are you offering? haha!

    --

    Benefits include: household and outdoor security, pickle jar opening, technical support, handywork, etc...

    I give a great back rub, and if you play your cards right, it could turn into a full body massage.

    That Bettie Page outfit is hot!

    --

    [​IMG]

     
  21. Mugwump

    Mugwump Guest

    [​IMG] BRI

    you run a tight ship. What are your policies on deodorent and leg shaving?

    Are there stipulations on undergarments? Are they a must?

    --

    Deodorant: I require all "Girlfriends" to smell flowery.
    Leg shaving: the softer, the better.
    Dress code: undergarments are optional but recommended. I have a saying that goes, "Lingerie is like holiday gift wrap... colorful, appealing, sometimes hidden, sometimes exposed, sometimes chewed up by a pet, and unwrapping it slowly is just as fun as Xmas day."

    With that said, your message was probably the sexiest thing I've read in awhile.

    How would you describe your personality, turn-ons, turn-offs, body, ethics, drama, family history, favorite foods, etc?
     
  22. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    :rofl: holy shit this is great
     
  23. kevin1

    kevin1 New Member

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    loving the comment about lingerie sometimes being "chewed up by a pet" :rofl:
     

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