SRS i just want to not care....

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by AshLee, Oct 18, 2005.

  1. AshLee

    AshLee New Member

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    okay..so i have posted a little in here about me and the ex. we broke up a while ago but continued to date see each other/ have sex. whatever. it was lame. so we stopped and we're just trying to be friends...which obviously doesnt work (the only reason i agreed to friends is because i have to see him every tue-thurs in school) so about 2 weeks ago i told him for the mean time i dont want anything to do with him..nothing at all..dont want to talk, im, NOTHING AT ALL.

    And well since then it seems like almost everyday he has found a reason to try and talk to me..and its making me crazy..he has texted me, called my cell, im'd me..and i want to talk to him..but i know it just doesnt do me any good. i want to get over him but i just dont know how. and then last night we had an aim convo at like 2 am because i just had somethings to say. now, i know this boy has some issues all of his serious girlfriends have always cheated on him and when we were together he found out he has cancer. soo theres a little background..not that its acceptable for his behavior.

    I dont get him at all..I need some guy insite. last monday when i went to his house just to talk to him and tell him i needed time and space away from his friendship..we both sat down and started crying and we both cried for like 2 hours..talking about everything. it was rediculous. something that was supposed to give me clarity has only made me feel worse. her is our aim from yesterday...it started because he imed my away message..oh ya and he is says he is "seeing" his ex..that they are not "technically" boyfriend and girlfriend..not that, that really helps.

    Him (11:47:59 AM): ashley your away messages always make me sad
    Auto response from Me (11:47:59 AM): Being independent can only go so far. I have established this person for myself of being so independent and free spirited... but recently i have let my guard down again. I thought i would never cling onto another guy again after my last relationship... i promised myself a personality of independence and strong reality... but i let it all go once i just barely looked his eyes. I knew from the start that everything that was about to happen with him was wrong in every way... I went into our relationship with the thought of having it be something for fun... but i fell hard... which has only happened twice in my life. I knew everything that i felt didnt mean anything to him... so i never got the nerve to tell him. I became dependent and weak... the opposite of everything that i believe that i am. i never thought i would be rejected in this way... never thought i would be so underappreciated for the person i am.
    Him (11:48:09 AM): be happy dammit
    Me (6:34:11 PM): My away messages are sad because i feel sad but i will block you so you dont have to read them anymore.

    him): yup
    him
    : whats up
    me (1:54:53 AM)
    : i was just going to tell you that i know what i said was mean and i know im pretty mean to you all the time but its the only way i know how to deal with what i feel. and i thought u were okay with that from when we talked
    him: alright well im sorry
    him: i understand thats the only way you can do it
    him: sometimes i miss you to though
    him: and i think its stupid
    him: but yea
    him: i understand its all good
    ME: you are going to think im messed up for saying this but i dont think you have any right to miss me
    me: you let me go
    him (1:56:20 AM): not as a friend i didnt
    him(1:56:26 AM)
    : so shut the hell up
    him (1:56:29 AM)
    : i can miss you all i want
    him (1:56:45 AM)
    : you turned your back right on me
    him (1:56:49 AM)
    : i never did that to you
    me (1:56:52 AM)
    : yes you did
    him (1:56:56 AM): i did not
    me(1:57:05 AM)
    : right when we broke up you shut me out and never talked to me
    him (1:57:11 AM): bullshit
    me (1:57:15 AM)
    : it wasnt until like a month later we actually started having conversations
    him (1:57:16 AM): i always talked to you
    him (1:57:20 AM)
    : and even when you tell me to stay away i still talk to you
    him (1:57:33 AM)
    : well yea cause it was a crazy time but i never shut you out totally
    him (1:57:43 AM)
    : whatever
    him (1:57:48 AM)
    : no big deal
    him (1:57:51 AM)
    : no point in arguing over this shit
    me(1:57:51 AM)
    : what do you want me to do
    me (1:58:11 AM): i didnt im you to argue
    me (1:58:25 AM): i have pretty much had you blocked since last monday
    me (1:58:39 AM): and you're right i did totally shut you out of my life but i dont know what you want from me
    me(1:58:48 AM): ive already told you i can not be your friend it hurts everyday
    him(1:59:22 AM): ok then well i guess thats just how it is
    him(1:59:22 AM)
    : i miss my friend
    him (1:59:23 AM)
    : sorry
    him (1:59:29 AM)
    : she was one of my best
    me (1:59:44 AM)
    : you broke my heart and then i still let you hurt me
    him (2:00:00 AM): and im sorry that had to happen
    me(2:00:08 AM)
    : you have no idea what i felt the night i figured out you are seeing steph
    me (2:00:17 AM): you dont know how much that hurt me
    him (2:00:42 AM): well i didnt want you to be hurt
    him (2:00:44 AM)
    : i dont know what to say
    me (2:04:28 AM)
    : the more i have thought about what happened at your house on monday the more i have come to think that you are confused. you told me that you care about me as much today as you did the day we started going out that means either you never really cared very much about me, or you are confused in what you feel. and i have always felt like you shut me out because you are afraid to get close to me for some unknown reason to me. and when i saw you last week it was just weird, because we were so close and i still feel like we have that connection that has always been there maybe thats why i have had such a hard time with this. i dont even know if what i said makes sense.
    him (2:05:39 AM): i understand what you are saying and i think you are for the most part right
    him(2:05:42 AM)
    : i am confused
    him (2:05:46 AM)
    : i do shut you out for some reason
    him(2:05:47 AM)
    : i dont know why
    him (2:05:51 AM)
    : and we do have a special connection
    him (2:06:06 AM)
    : but unfortunatly i dont have any answers
    him (2:06:47 AM)
    : so all i can hope is that you will get through this and became a better person...cause you will
    him(2:06:57 AM)
    : and me and you can find common grounds and be friends
    him (2:07:00 AM)
    : atleast
    me (2:08:03 AM)
    : what i dont get the most is how you pretty much say you still have feelings for me and then be like oh but im dating this other girl..thats what baffles me the most. but no, at this point we can not be friends
    me (2:08:05 AM): i tried that
    me (2:08:08 AM): it didnt work for me
    me(2:08:13 AM): left me feeling sad
    him (2:08:23 AM): i didnt say now
    him (2:08:28 AM)
    : i dont even understand myself
    him (2:08:34 AM)
    : so i dont expect you to understand the things i do haha
    me (2:08:36 AM)
    : i am sad as well without you in my life
    him(2:08:43 AM): well ive been sad to
    him (2:08:49 AM)
    : if it helps any
    me (2:11:07 AM)
    : and the something else that bothers me is that you told me that im never going to be able to replace you..in which your right..but at the same time im so afriad im never going to find someone that i have a conncection with like we have..cause the one that i have with you is not like one i have ever had before and i dont know where it came from or how to make it go away
    him (2:12:45 AM): ashley i am replaceable
    him (2:12:47 AM)
    : dont get that in your mind
    him (2:12:48 AM)
    : trust me
    me (2:13:45 AM)
    : yeah you are fully replaceable in the boyfriend department thats not hard. im talking about this feeling i would get
    me (2:13:59 AM): the feeling i get when im with you is why im so drawn to you
    him (2:14:15 AM): i know what you mean
    him (2:14:19 AM)
    : i miss that feeling
    him (2:14:31 AM)
    : but hey i gotta go to sleep
    him (2:14:35 AM)
    : i have a test early
    him (2:14:39 AM)
    : but ill see you in class tomorrow
     

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