SRS i just realized something about myself

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by el es dee, Aug 25, 2006.

  1. el es dee

    el es dee ...through a cloud of chalk and the midst of pain.

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    something i really dont like. a little background, im a pretty popular kid, ive always been really outgoing and fun loving, a person people can count on, that sort of shit. i just got done with my first year of college and will be heading back for my second year this weekend. ive had a core group of friends my whole life, its been pretty much the same people and they mean alot to me, i always try and help them out as much as i can and i really go out of my way for them, whether they realize it or not. but i recently noticed that sometimes my actions are not so pure and are not to help them out in the way that they need. i feel like i try to sabatoge them and their relationships, sometimes. i feel like sometimes i have this strong desire for their worlds to colapse and i will be the only one standing, ready to help them. i am happy when they come to me for help, i truely am, but sometimes i feel like i am creating the need for help in them, or at least trying to. needless to say i feel like shit.
     
  2. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    How are you trying to sabatoge them in their relationships??

    Why do you have a strong desire for their worlds to collapse?? so you can rescue them??

    IIRC it's a common family dynamic in disfunctional families. One person plays a victim and another the rescuerer...and there are others roles. However, it's been awhile since I studied these things. Perhaps you should stop trying to help and just listen w/o providing feedback. Just say I'm sorry I don't have any advice.

    If you are going out of your way to cause your friends problems then IMO you should seriously stop right now. You will reget it in the long run.
     
  3. el es dee

    el es dee ...through a cloud of chalk and the midst of pain.

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    i dont go out of my way to cause them problems, but i do kinda hope, in a small way, that they will have problems that i can help them with. sometimes ill give advice and later on feel that it might have been to harsh or something, for example dealing with a girl.

    the thing about the family makes perfect sense though, as i often play the rescuer between my parents (they are divorced)
     
  4. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    I have felt like that a few times.
    Now that I can look back on those times in hindsight - I was ready for the relationship with those people to be over. I think the 'sabotage' had as much to do with me wanting to sabotage the relationship between us as much as picking up the pieces.

    Most friendships end at some point. Not in a bad way, but you kind of part for better things. Your high school friends are not your college friends, your college friends are not your after college buddies. Etc.

    I also did it for a full-on selfish reason. I was having trouble finding relationships. I was more comfortable when that person was not in one then when that person was in one.
    When I realized I was doing this I would take a hands off approach when that person found someone. I left that person the hell alone so that I wouldn't jeapordize anything. I wanted to be the friend between relationships.

    Should have seen what that person did to me when I found my current relationship. I don't think we will ever speak again.
     
  5. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Ya know...I do this also. There is something nice about your friends asking for your advice. They are sharing a part of their life with you and asking for your help...that means they trust you. Those are not bad things, they help strengthen relationships and hopefully deepen the bonds. IMO it can get disfunctional tho so I try to keep it in perspective.

    I don't like when I'm harsh with people either....but sometimes I am. For me it has to do with understanding an issue very well and seeing a correct path to solving the issue and being a little frustrated that the other person doesn't see the same path. I think it also has something to do with wanting them to stop questioning me....something like (been there, done that) was running through my mind and their questions really were irrelevant to the situation.

    Thankfully over time I've realized that just because a certain path is obvious to me doesn't make it obvious to others. AND more importantly, everyone will work through their problems at their own pace and sometimes their pace is wayyy tooo slow for me.....so I usually just excuse myslef and go do something else...or just listen and not say anything at all.

    It funny when they sort of work through an issue without me saying anything.

    I dunno if you've ever considered counseling but I worked on a lot of these family roles with my shrink. He talked about transactional analysis and how by understanding these roles I could chose to NOT play a role I had previously played. It was very helpful.
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Sounds like a form of jealousy to me , jealous about what relationships they have in their life but you don't. The typical grass is always greener on the other side, and you'd rather have people leaning on you to defeat your own lonelyness then on others leaving you out. That's quite a dangerous rattle snake under the grass you have there.

    My advice will be what someone else adviced me, namely for you to realise that you can love people but you can't hold onto them asif you are some kidnapper, everyone has free will and can decide with whomever they want to be or no to be. You have to respect this freedom of will from their side.

    So sometimes loving someone means being able to let them go. So don't be to clingy , relationships are all about being together, but still letting the other person being able to do their own thing, also there's no reason to be jealous at anything that other people have in their lives, you see you have to EARN what you RECEIVE in life, so if someone has something they did something to earn it.
     

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