I am, a terrible person. I've been thinking for the past few days and the things that I do and how I act and I'm starting to see the truth. I lie, a lot. In fact, I'll lie about almost anything. What I ate, what I'm doing, what I did last night, my ethnicity, my family, who's in my family, my name, my sexual history (or lack thereof), pretty much anything and everything. I was talking to someone who's opinion I really respect and who I've been more honest with than anyone else and he told me, not to be mean or anything but because it was the truth, "You can be a real dick sometimes." I've been thinking about it and it's more than that. I live and act like some junkie with all the lies and everything else. I'm constantly trying to weave this massive web of lies, big, HUGE lies into some sort of patchwork quilt and tie everything together so that it makes sense and I don't have to own up to all the bullshit that I've been spewing to people for YEARS. I go to great lengths to manage my lies, I learned a second language because I claimed to be living in a different country, I do research and look at pictures and study things from "places" that I've been or try and pick up mannerisms for ethnic groups that I claim to be part of. I can't admit to being wrong and I can't admit to not knowing things. I can't do it. I never raised my hand in school to ask a question because I felt so disgusted and ashamed that I didn't know something, or that I didn't pick things up the first time. I can't handle being wrong, I can't handle making mistakes it makes me want to vomit. I try so hard to be perfect with everything and I can't be perfect but I'm so disgusted with everything that isn't perfect I don't even know what to do. I'm disgusted by the way I look, I hate the fact that even though I'm smart, I could be smarter, I get furious when other people make mistakes and even more furious when I make a mistake myself. I hold myself and others to this impossible standard that only sets everything up for failure and when it inevitably fails, I kick myself and completely beat myself up over it. I'm so disgusted with myself that I haven't eaten in three days. I see how much of a burden all of my issues have been on other people in the past and now that I've completely isolated myself from the entire world I understand why no one could put up with me. People just letting me do my OCD things and dealing with the stupid quirks of my severe social anxiety. I find my very existence revolting and unpalatable. Pretty much I've painted myself into a corner that I can't really extricate myself without coming clean but people who I had wanted to start talking to will finally know what a completely horrible and terrible person I have been and they'll really tell me to go fuck myself. I don't even know if I can live with myself that's how much I hate who I am. I'm an arrogant, self loathing, self deprecating, habitual liar and I don't think I can think of a worst combination of character traits than that. I am the definition of the worst. My very existence is a net loss to the planet and humanity I wish someone who just put a bullet in my head and be done with it.