SRS I just realized I'm a terrible person (anonymous thread)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Apr 24, 2009.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I am, a terrible person. I've been thinking for the past few days and the things that I do and how I act and I'm starting to see the truth. I lie, a lot. In fact, I'll lie about almost anything. What I ate, what I'm doing, what I did last night, my ethnicity, my family, who's in my family, my name, my sexual history (or lack thereof), pretty much anything and everything.

    I was talking to someone who's opinion I really respect and who I've been more honest with than anyone else and he told me, not to be mean or anything but because it was the truth, "You can be a real dick sometimes." I've been thinking about it and it's more than that. I live and act like some junkie with all the lies and everything else. I'm constantly trying to weave this massive web of lies, big, HUGE lies into some sort of patchwork quilt and tie everything together so that it makes sense and I don't have to own up to all the bullshit that I've been spewing to people for YEARS. I go to great lengths to manage my lies, I learned a second language because I claimed to be living in a different country, I do research and look at pictures and study things from "places" that I've been or try and pick up mannerisms for ethnic groups that I claim to be part of.

    I can't admit to being wrong and I can't admit to not knowing things. I can't do it. I never raised my hand in school to ask a question because I felt so disgusted and ashamed that I didn't know something, or that I didn't pick things up the first time. I can't handle being wrong, I can't handle making mistakes it makes me want to vomit. I try so hard to be perfect with everything and I can't be perfect but I'm so disgusted with everything that isn't perfect I don't even know what to do. I'm disgusted by the way I look, I hate the fact that even though I'm smart, I could be smarter, I get furious when other people make mistakes and even more furious when I make a mistake myself. I hold myself and others to this impossible standard that only sets everything up for failure and when it inevitably fails, I kick myself and completely beat myself up over it.

    I'm so disgusted with myself that I haven't eaten in three days. I see how much of a burden all of my issues have been on other people in the past and now that I've completely isolated myself from the entire world I understand why no one could put up with me. People just letting me do my OCD things and dealing with the stupid quirks of my severe social anxiety. I find my very existence revolting and unpalatable.

    Pretty much I've painted myself into a corner that I can't really extricate myself without coming clean but people who I had wanted to start talking to will finally know what a completely horrible and terrible person I have been and they'll really tell me to go fuck myself. I don't even know if I can live with myself that's how much I hate who I am. I'm an arrogant, self loathing, self deprecating, habitual liar and I don't think I can think of a worst combination of character traits than that. I am the definition of the worst. My very existence is a net loss to the planet and humanity I wish someone who just put a bullet in my head and be done with it.
     
  2. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I think behaving terribly is different than "being" terrible. The word terrible is defined as distressing; severe, or extremely bad; horrible. Terrible people don't even care about other people: not their feelings and certainly not the way their own behavior affects those people. Lying certainly isn't going to win you Character of the year, but people who lie, lie for a reason. Finding the underlying reasons for this behavior are really important.

    Certainly it's a huge effort to talk about these things with people. The very fact that you go to extreme to conceal various things, -- including your own identity (changing mannerisms, learning a second language) -- are signs of "self-image" problems in order to fit in -- anywhere, as long as you aren't vulnerable in exposing who you really are. These are all protective methods used by people who have experienced a lot of trauma and suffering.

    You're identifying things, that's important. Being able to point out your shortcomings, and to feel "disgusted" or "ashamed" by your humanity is a start. You're "naming" your feelings. That's progress.

    Perhaps this judgment will ameliorate after you've come to understand that your defenses exist for a reason, that in the past you needed to lie, to survive. You needed to be perfect -- to avoid being beaten, insulted, or otherwise mistreated. If you're like most of us, all of these feelings and suffering are painful, but they can be understood, and gradually they can be changed. One must "never" strip all of their defenses away without learning new behaviors that are effective, without suppressing quality of life. Rebuilding a life -- when a person has been mistreated and hurt from early on -- requires a brick by brick healing process. Tearing down the wall and just expecting yourself, or the person to somehow master everything is unrealistic, and nearly impossible -- but that feeling too, that desire, is a defense itself. In time, with therapeutic work, someone like you could make excellent progress. You just need consistent guidance from a trusted source, and you need time to be able to come to a place where you're ready to "risk" trusting someone to professionally be that consistent guide.

    People who understand will not judge you for your current character qualities. Character is fluid, it can change, you can change. You certainly have a lot of good qualities too -- which is typical of most human beings. You're intelligent, and you do have good intentions. Your goal isn't to harm people, or even yourself -- but it just seems that's how you end up feeling a lot. Here are somethings I've noted just from this post:

    1: You've spent a lifetime protecting yourself -- even if through lies. That is a rudimentary form of psychological and physical survival. It's a core quality needed live in some environments and many of us as children from violence, abusive and other dysfunctions have that adaptation -- but nearly everyone is as effective as you are most of the time in lying and hiding it. I've seen a lot of people work through it over time, but they were persistent. They not only wanted to survive, they wanted to find meaning, value and purpose for both themselves, as well as for the world and people in their lives.

    2: You're intelligent and constantly seem to struggle with using your capabilities to improve quality of life -- especially for yourself, but you fall short for lack of knowing how to do so -- you are emotionally in a place where it must first be felt and experienced before a choice can come about.

    3: You're being honest, by identifying the problem areas and taking responsibility for them, and for "feeling" them.

    4: You do not want to be a burden to others, or the world -- which is noble, you want to provide value to the world.

    5: You mentioned that you have respect for a friend who gave you his opinion about your behavior. Being able to say you respect someone's thoughts, or respecting them as they are is one of the key "road signs" on the way to self-respect. It is a sign of growth.

    With all of your imperfections, your friends, probably accepts you as you are, because while who you are may be damaged, hurting, angry, fearful, arrogant, self loathing -- they see something more.

    And remember. "Everyone sometimes acts like a dick (or is one -- I'm not excluded)!" :o
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2009
  3. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    First off, you are not a terrible person. From your post it doesn't seem like you have done anything that would be hurtful to any one but yourself. I think the way you have worded your "epiphany" is very indicative of the root of your problem. I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself and setting such high standards for who you should be. You seem to have this idea in your head of what person you want to be or think you should be and do anything necessary to be that person and play that role. I think more thank anything you it would help you to try and to rediscover who you truly are. I don't imagine that you have managed to maintain your own true identity while spinning all these lies. I also imagine that part of setting up such high standards for yourself and lying to other people is because you care what they think.

    Try coming clean to people regardless of what they think about you. It'll be the first step in moving forward and putting all of this behind you. Then do some soul searching and figure out who you are not who you think you should be. Lastly, go easier on yourself, no one is perfect and you don't need to be.
     
  4. XERQ

    XERQ Guest

    I used to be a horrific lier many years ago, mainly because I was so disgusted with who I was as a person and the massive web of insecurities that kept me from being who I REALLY was. It takes a lot of time to get out of that and to start fresh. I found out that people aren't as judgemental and don't hold you to insane expectations and love you for who you are. I became the person I wanted to be.

    I would suggest going away somewhere and starting new, cutting all the old web of lies from following you, and meeting new people to start fresh with.

    Start working towards being who you want to be.
     
  5. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    I strongly dislike people who lie all the time.

    Edit: PM if you have questions.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 25, 2009
  6. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Wow I can think of a couple OTers I know IRL who could have written this post :o

    the best thing you can do is find someone to come clean to, they'll probably be more understanding than you think :hs:
     
  7. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Thanks for the thoughts guys, I really appreciate it. I think I'm going to take it in steps and see how it goes. I don't think I'm ready to come clean to someone just yet but I've begun to think about starting to tell the truth as I go. I've also begun writing trying to get everything down on paper, maybe that will help me accept things and maybe it'll end up being a pretty good book in the end, who knows but for my own sanity, I'm writing.
     

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