SRS I just randomly started crying, and I don't know why

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Dorn, Feb 11, 2007.

  1. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    A lot of me just hates my life right now, a lot.

    I was supposed to move down to San Diego back in January, and I had to stay up here to finish off junior college before moving down there. As a result, my best friend is probably my ex-girlfriend. I go out with friends from work pretty much every weekend, but that's about it. It's always the same stuff, same people. With my ex, we barely hang out, but we talk a lot. She knows everything going on with me, but she's never there for anything, and it bugs me I guess.

    And with the ex, it's weird. We broke up in September, didn't talk for a few weeks, started talking again, started dating in November, things went to shit, started dating again in late December, and things went to shit again about three weeks ago. Since then, we've had our ups and downs. She wants to be friends for now and see what happens, I'd rather try and get us good and go from there with us.

    We went out to dinner last night. I think a lot of things she said could have been taken as nothing, but I turned them around into her pretty much saying she doesn't want anything as far as a relationship with me again. We were supposed to hang out afterwards, but it was going to be drinking by her house. I told her if I drank out there, I couldn't drive home and she said "Well, I guess you could just sleep on the couch." It bugged me, I don't know why, but it got to me. Today we were talking and somehow sex came up (I honestly don't remember the context, I think it was something about lesbian, then threesome with me and her and another girl, then us) and she said "not for a while, if ever." Then told me not to read into the "not ever" though.

    I don't know why I'm still crying. I hate it. I hate my life right now. I want to be able to get away from it all, but I can't really do anything about it right now. I called my friend, a girl, whom I've known for going on three years now. She immediately asked me what was wrong, and I said nothing. I wanted to talk with her about it, but I couldn't, I felt embarassed. The only person I feel comfortable talking about things when I'm crying with is my ex and my two best friendds, who are both 8+ hours away and partying.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I just hate this. I've been crying for nearly an hour now and I have no reason why.
     
  2. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    i think your ex is causing a lot of internal conflicts with you right now. it might be best for you to take a step away from the situation. figure out whats important to you and what you can and cant take right now. if shes causing you problems or pain then maybe you need to seperate from her for a bit.
     
  3. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    She is, yeah, somewhat. I guess I just hate our position. When we're hanging out, we're great. When we're not, things aren't great. Neither of us really know why either. And it seems like there's things that come between us hanging out. It's always in the back of her mind that we're going to get in argument. It's in the back of my mind now that if I go over there and end up drinking at a party with her (or whatever, she's mentioned a few times me going over there and playing whatever drinking game with the roommates), I'm stuck on the couch, which I'm not comfortable with.
     
  4. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    maybe you guys need some time away from each other.
     
  5. Noparking

    Noparking Platinum Member OT Supporter

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    it sounds as if you guys have not really spent enough time apart from one another to be able to find out what really matters to the both of you. Weather that means only being friends or working on things for the long run.
     
  6. Well Read

    Well Read New Member

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    You should get yourself in better space and take a significant break from your ex to get some fresh air, regain your perspective and to evaluate your position with her. Get out, meet new people. This reminds me of a poem my mother left for me on my desk one day when I was in high school. I'll never forget it. Essentially, the poem recounts how one walks down the same road and falls in the same hole over and over. Then finally one day in a flash of miraculous insight, he decides to walk AROUND the hole in the road. Good luck with your decision.
     
  7. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    I didn't include this in the post, don't know why. I actually called her yesterday evening a couple hours after the "don't read into it" comment from her and told I'm sick of it, I feel like I'm lying to myself and lying to her. I care for her a lot and it's hard to be friends, to take a huge step back like that.

    She said she didn't want to end our friendship over the phone, we'd talk later.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I can't even call her one of my best friends anymore I feel. It used to be no matter what, if I needed something, I could call her and talk. Whether we were together or not. Now I can't even do that. She just ignored my calls.
     
  8. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    just tell her that you feel you need time to yourself. which is pretty much the truth.
     
  9. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    So I've cried every single night since Saturday now. And cried a lot. I'm really just hating my life right now. I honestly feel like I have nothing to live for right now. The only thing that looks good in my life is moving in five months or whatever.

    As far as my social life goes, I have some. Like I said, I go out with some friends from work. When it's just a couple of us, I'm happy, I'm fine. When we get a bigger group going, I feel out of place. All the people aren't really my type. I'm a rock music/video game/chill and drink beer and have fun and talk/maybe party here and there person. They're the rap music/party all the time/be loud kind of people. A lot of times I just want to head home early cause I don't feel like I'm having that much fun with it all.

    I cried Sunday night and Monday night and Tuesday night and last night again about my future. Yeah, I'm moving, that's great and all, but I'm scared about it. I've never been a person to just start making a bunch of friends. I know three people down there right now, and again, I'm not sure if I really click with them. One of them is my best friend too. One guy from work who I really enjoy hanging out with when we do might be moving, but he's not even sure yet. I'm almost afraid I'm going to go down there and be in the same situation again. I'm afraid I'm going to go down there and not meet anybody and just be miserable. I've been in college four years now and haven't met anyone that I've become friends with. Maybe it's because it's a JC, I don't know.

    I know a problem with me is that I'm not one to make plans, I'm not one to just start talking to people, I'm not one to call everyone and say "hey, let's go out!" I've never been one when in a large group of people to say what I want to say, I always think it's going to come out stupid and everyone will think I'm an idiot for me. I told my ex about it and realized it stems back to junior high when I got shit for anything and everything and I haven't really been outgoing since then.

    My home life sucks too. I get tired of getting the same questions all the time from my parents. It gets irritating. Then when I start getting mad because I've answered the same question 7 times, they start yelling at me for it, telling me I need to be more pleasant to them. They even threatened to kick me out the other night.

    I was going to anger management, went for a few months, then quit. I was paying $80 per month and not seeing much improvement. My ex said she saw some, my parents said they saw some. They all say I've kind of regressed again. Maybe it's because I'm happy, maybe it's because of my personality. I don't know.

    The situation with my ex is weird. Yesterday I thought about her a lot. When I met her three years ago, we met right around Valentine's day. We had our own relationships at the time. I told her how much I hated the idea of Valentine's Day. She knows my full feelings about it. However this year, I wanted to do something special for her so bad, and I was upset I didn't have the chance or opportunity to do anything because of the circumstances. I told her last night when I'm with her I want to do nothing more than cuddle with her, hold her hand, kiss her, and it sucks I can't.

    I told her the other night before, I've had no problem walking away from girls when things weren't working out. Even the first time we dated, I easily walked away. For some reason this time I can't. She said the same, she's just not wanting to be in a relationship right now. Today, she said she wants to make me better first, then work on us. If things are good in a month, two months, whatever, then we'd see how things go then. Until then, we need to work on me.

    She's really the only good, true friend I have up here anymore, and I hate it. I know I can talk to her about anything, but I hate where we are. It means so much to me that she wants to help make me better, but I know the more she's there, the more I start to like her. But I know if she walks away, I have no good friends up here anymore. I don't feel like I can call anyone anymore at anytime and hang out with them, I'm not that close to anyone.

    I feel like I don't know how to meet anyone and make friends with them. I don't know where to start. I have classes with lots of people, and I talk to some of them, but none of them are people I'd really want to hang out with. I'm sick of crying, but I don't know where to go, what to do.
     
  10. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    Bump. All of this has been on my mind today and I'm getting sick of it. Advice?
     

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