SRS I just gathered some information, and I don't know if I'm over reacting to it.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by CopenKagan, Feb 19, 2006.

  1. CopenKagan

    CopenKagan OT Supporter

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    OK, first I guess I need to give a little background. Last May I got a girlfriend. Her parents are pretty religious. Anyway, me and her really hit it off. Her parents didn't really seem to like me because of the fact that I didn't serve a mission. So it seemed as if they were jumping to the conclusion that I was a bad person and not worthy of their daughter.

    Anyway, she left for 2 weeks to go to Hawaii and then back to California where her parents live. It had been pre-arranged that I would fly down to meet them. Anyway, when she got back to California, I flew down and met them. I was pretty nervous because I knew they weren't sure about me and wanted to leave a good impression.

    So when I went down there, I did my best and thought I made a good impression for them. I met them a couple more times when they came up to Utah to visit 3 of their kids that lived up here. They seemed to be relieved that I was a good guy and they didn't have anything to worry about.

    I broke up with her last November, but we have remained friends. Anyway, she took a week off work to go to visit them. She talked to me online today and was pretty upset with them. Turns out that even after they had met me a couple of times they still didn't trust me and did a background check on me (her dad does some kind of government work and had access). And of course, they found nothing more than they didn't already know, except for 2 speeding tickets.

    Anyway, I don't know why, but this has really affected me more than I think it should have. I'm finding this REALLY hard to deal with. I thought I was in their good graces and it turns out they still thought I was a complete scumbag.

    I just try to do my best and be nice to everyone, just basically be a good guy overall. It just makes me feel like I'm not worthy of things that I work so hard to acheive because I'm still not trustworthy.

    I just don't know how to cope with it.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    God loves everyone, the fact that her parents didn't shows how worthless in religious sense they are. Those parents are the kind of where you have to take a 'holy bible' at your first date with their daughter :mamoru:.

    In other words their parents are insane victims of the paranoid, and overconcerned about their daughter, and your better off being NOT in their lives.

    The only way to cope with it is to complain to her, that her parents aren't 'open' to outsiders and that you feel insulted that her dad did a background check on you.

    That it would be nice that if she informs the people she dates to bring a bible with them because her parents don't accept non-religious people. Despite the fact that even Jesus accepted and spend his time with sinners , you are apparently too 'low' for her parents, and that therefore you will 'thank' her for the time she has spend with you but will kindly depart from her overly demanding parents.

    In other words distantiate yourself from her and her parents.
     
  3. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    Holy Doodle Batman. The Father did a background check on you? Are you serious? What? Their daughter is gold-leafed or something? Good Heavens, that's a bit over the top and paranoid. 2 speeding tickets? Naughty! Naughty! :) I am sure you are a good guy and not a scumbag. Don't let the actions of the parents get you down. I think that if they had issues with you, they should of told you. What the father did was just wrong. It's not your fault. Pat yourself on the back for being a decent human being.
     
  4. CopenKagan

    CopenKagan OT Supporter

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    Well it just sucks about this because I have problems with self confidence as it is. This wasn't really a very good shot in the arm.
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Her parents sound like churchy zealots. Well churchy or not, they're zealots and by their actions not very evolved or emotionally mature and particularly noble or high-minded people.
    But that's irrelevant for now.

    First, tell me what you want from this girl.
    Friends?
    Good friends?
    Sex partner?
    Girlfriend?
    Steady girlfriend?
    Long term girlfriend?
    ....wife?

    You see, how you interact with these parents largely depends on your intended role.

    Only for the last role does it really matter, ultimately. Up to that point...these ahole parents might actually be a good learning experience for you.

    It's true you MIGHT be able to win them over ... but that's unlikely, life isn't a feel good happy ending movie, and you'll always be under their heel. Assuming they don't poison the marriage early on and subtlely engineer a divorce on you.

    So anyways, what are your plans (ideally) with this girl. Now, don't just jump in there, and yell out I LOVE HER, WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOREVERRRRRRRR

    Really stop and think. Can you honestly say you'll get married?

    At this point in your life, are you even ready to say what qualities you really want in a wife?
     
  6. CopenKagan

    CopenKagan OT Supporter

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    You know. Lately I have kind of started to want to be with her again. Just as a steady girlfriend for right now, then wait and see what develops from it.

    On the other hand, I kind of told her my feelings twoards the situation tonight and she doesn't seem to be considering that as an option. Her decision, there is nothing I can do about that.

    I've had kind of a problem with depression in the last couple of months. I have been through a lot of traumatic things in the past year. She said she has noticed that I seem that way and wants me to still hang out with her so she can try to help me cope with these things that I am having problems with.

    The thing is that she is one of those problems. When I'm around her I just want give her a big hug and have us be us again. But I'm pretty sure that wont happen. But I know I would absolutely crush her if I told her I never wanted to see her again, because when we broke up I promised her that no matter what she would always have me as a friend.

    And I feel better when I am around her, but there is a 99% chance that she is moving back home in 2 months. So her trying to make me feel better about myself is just going to postpone the depression I have been feeling.

    This just isn't a good situation and no matter what I do it seems like I'm going to only make it worse, either for her or me. I just want her back, but chances are that isn't going to happen. And really, if that were to happen, I don't really care about her parents because they live 800 miles away.
     
  7. shangrilarcadia

    shangrilarcadia A lady

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    I would not take it personally that they didn't trust you. I am assuming from your location and mention of mission that they are strict mormons. I have known many mormons in my life and most of them are pretty :nuts: when it comes to trusting non-mormons or even 'bad'-mormons (the ones who dont fit every single stringent rule of the church)
     
  8. Clarity

    Clarity New Member

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    Bah. Tell them to fuck off when you see them, and flip 'em the bird.
     
  9. CopenKagan

    CopenKagan OT Supporter

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    I try not to take these kinds of things seriously, I really do. It's just hard for me to deal with this kind of thing because people who pull this kind of thing have no reason what so ever to believe that I may be any kind of a bad person in any way, shape or form.
     
  10. CopenKagan

    CopenKagan OT Supporter

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    There is a decent chance that I will never see them again. But even if I did, I don't think that would be the way to get into their good graces. But then again, maybe I am just too forgiving of these kinds of things.

    Honestly, if they came up to me and said, "Hey Kagan. We were wrong to do what we did. You are a good person and we trust you and your judgement." I would totally forgive them.
     
  11. CopenKagan

    CopenKagan OT Supporter

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    Update:

    Well, I'm really feeling a lot better about this whole situation with me and her now. Last night I just basically told her I missed her and that I didn't want her to go to California. Tonight I just manned up and told her flat out that I wanted her to be with me again. She told me that for the past couple of weeks that she has really started to question moving back.

    So as of right now I think I have a real good chance with her, so I'm taking this whole situation as a sign and running with it. Which makes me so happy I can't even put it into words. She is coming back to Utah tomorrow night and I'm going to pick her up at the airport. I'll sure be glad to see her and she sounds like she's really excited to see me.
     
  12. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    The religious thing plays a small role in this situation. But its the your never going to be good enough for my little girl idea that will get you shot down everytime. Now the background check is excessive, I would like to think that my dad wouldn't do that being a gov man himself. But he somewhat trusts the decisions that I make in that realm Though some of the men I have dated or been with Im sure hes scratched his head. Unfortunately you are going to have to deal with the religious thing all the time if you are going to date her. My current bf and I do all the time, it will be a an uphill struggle for both you.
     
  13. RedDawg

    RedDawg Well-Known Member

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    do a background check on the parents, see if there's any dirt.
     
  14. CopenKagan

    CopenKagan OT Supporter

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    I know what I need to know about both of her parents. She has told me a lot of things in the past, so I can't really take too much offense to her parents not liking me for religious reasons.

    Her father (it is actually her step father since she was about 2, her real dad died before she was born), actually had a short episode in which he decided to join another religion. So if he ever dares to try to tell me that I'm a bad person because of something like that, guess what's getting thrown into the cocktail?

    From what I've also heard is that he has been fairly abusive most of his life. I guess until about 4 or 5 years ago he was physically abusive as well as mentally abusive. Now I guess he is just the latter, but to a lesser degree.

    Basically what it all boils down to is that he is being a douche bag because he has closed minded ideals for people because of their background and history. It shouldn't be that way, but it is and that will just have to be something he will have to deal with.
     

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