SRS I just ended a 4 year relationship(anonymous post)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Feb 22, 2009.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Background: We have lived together for about 2.5 years, and have been together for 4 years. She's an incredible person, and by all accounts, deserves much better than me.

    When we began the relationship, it was very casual, which suited both of us as we had been burned by other people. Things just happened, and I woke up one day with her living in my house. It wasn't bad, in fact, it was great.

    However, as both of our careers advanced, our relationship turned from one of mutual love, to more of a practical arrangement. Both stressed, we would take things out on each other (me, much more than her), and fight about petty issues.

    Eventually, I started hanging out with my friends more often. They were all single, and I enjoyed being care free and not being tied down. I'd go to bars and stay out late. This upset her, but for some reason, I couldn't stop. We'd end up fighting, and eventually, I started looking elsewhere.

    In December, a female friend of mine and I went out to celebrate finishing our finals, and we ended up sleeping together. We were both drunk. However, we continued to have an "affair". She was aware of my gf, felt terrible about it, but still continued to sleep with me. At first, there was no emotional attachment from either of us. However, slowly we grew closer and fell in love. With the affair, she's everything is different. The parts I was lacking in my gf are apparent in abundance. We have much more in common, though she's 4.5 years younger than me, while my gf is 2 years older than me. At the same time, she's a bit immature, and has never had to support herself. Her career goals mean she'll travel internationally frequently, and if we stay together, it will be a long distance relationship (which never work out in my opinion).

    A few weeks ago, I moved out of my house. I told my gf that things weren't well, and I needed some time and space to figure things out. She was devastated, but let me go. We kept contact and often spoke about dating other people, but never actually sorted anything out.

    Now, as I'm growing closer to my affair, my gf sensed this, and ended things with me. We are essentially broken up. She's a mess, and I'm devastated because I know that I've hurt someone who has done nothing but loved me. We had a future together, and I walked away from that and betrayed her.



    Here are my questions:

    - I know that there were flaws in my relationship, but it was a good relationship. It would have ended eventually, but perhaps, not under these poor circumstances. It was very comfortable, but it lacked the passion I craved. Am I right for ending it, or should I try to save it?

    - My girlfriend is crushed. It makes me want to go to her, come clean, apologize and rebuild our relationship. I can see how much she loved me, and I just keep thinking that I'm crazy for turning my back on someone that was that devoted. Is this normal in a break-up, or does it mean that I've leaving something that I shouldn't leave?

    - The new girl is completely different than my girlfriend. She's just like me. My girlfriend was a polar opposite. We're getting very, very close. I feel that emotionally, I left my girlfriend a long time ago, so I don't feel like the new girl is a rebound. Am I delussional? How do I affirm that this is a legitimate relationship, and I'm not just wrapped up in the excitement of someone new?

    - It's clear that I'm a selfish asshole. It's clear that my girlfriend deserves better. Still, I desparately want her in my life. Is that wrong? How do I go about doing that
     
  2. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    if you tell her about the affair, she will never trust you again. sometimes people can overcome infidelity if there's a VERY STRONG relationship base to build off of, but your guys' relationship wasn't even that good to begin with. you guys tried it out, and you failed. she deserves better, and you were obviously not happy with the relationship, so cut your losses and move on.

    as far as the new girl goes, just play it by ear. of course there will be an initial excitement of someone new, but if that fades away and you stop liking her, then clearly it's not meant to be. if your relationship grows and matures, then great.
     
  3. SuckerPhree

    SuckerPhree New Member

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    I think you both should take some time alone.

    It will give you guys a moment to catch your breath and figure things out.
    You'll run the risk of loosing her over the period of being single, but you both have to be committed if you rebuild the relationship.

    Also, don't go back to her just because you feel bad for her or you are lonely.

    History will only repeat itself.
     
  4. ABSTRAKT

    ABSTRAKT per aspera ad astra

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    I am in a similiar situation, When I was 19 I was reconnected with my old friend..We started a relationship, She ended up moving in with me. We've been living together now for 3.5 years..Im now 22.And all of my friends are single and I miss having my own freedom..I also am not fully in love with her. I feel like now, If I stay I will be giving up my youth for something that I am not 100% sure I want or will last. We have been fighting so much lately and I have decided to go it alone..and break it off. It is very difficult to walk away from, But I feel like if I stay in the relationship for another 5 years and we end up breaking up anyways..Then I will have given up so much time for essentially nothing. I would advise you to be single for awhile, Do your own thing and see what happens. If it is truly meant to be for you two to be together, you will be one day.
     
  5. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    can you explain this part a bit more ? how is being with someone giving up your youth ? You just want to sleep around, right ?
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Yes, you are 110% right in ending it.

    You'll never salvage your relationship, and the only reason you feel the need is not out of love for her, but to ease your own guilt :nono: That's not fair to her. Let her go. Don't talk to her either becauseas much as you think it might help her, it wont.

    You most likely are a better match. Does that mean she's "the one?" Probably not. She's just a better fit for you and that feels really great right now in the first romantic euphoric months after months of being complacent in a dying relationship. Stop worrying about what it is or what it will become and take it day by day until you figure out what you want.

    Yes. You are a selfish prick and you didn't deserve her. Let her find true happiness by being out of her life. Learn from your mistakes.
     
  7. OhFourTwoThree

    OhFourTwoThree New Member

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    When you may be bored of your current relationship or having trouble, anything else seems to look better. Whether it's a legit relationship or not with the new gal, you'll never really know until you pursue that new relationship.

    Now that your gf knows you cheated, the relationship will never be the same again if you get back together. You need to just let her go.
     
  8. Flameboyant

    Flameboyant Member

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    I feel like it is good to have a break in a serious relationship, because you realize how much you need that other person. You should take some time apart so you know that you want this person in your life, and it is just not the loss of familiarity and a safe relationship that is making you miss her. At the same time, you should not let her drift to far away so that you could ruin your chances forever.

    But, from what you say you have a new girl an care about her a lot. If you truly cared about the original girl, you would leave her alone and not keep in contact. If you still see each other she will just get the false hope that you want her back again, and she deserves better than that. You lost a friend and a lover, but you made that decision on your own accord.
     
  9. ABSTRAKT

    ABSTRAKT per aspera ad astra

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    That may be part of it..I want to meet other girls. I feel like since I am not positive that this person is who I want to be with for the rest of my life that I am just cheating myself out of time I could be using to find the perfect girl..But yes, Part of it is my desire to play around a bit. :coolugh:
     
  10. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    I'd give my left arm for a woman who put up with my shit.
     

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