SRS I have lost all family ties and don't know what to say or do, help

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Cobra Commander, Dec 18, 2009.

  1. Cobra Commander

    Cobra Commander OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2008
    Messages:
    20,930
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    This may be a long read, sorry in advance. I joined the military back in August of 2005, and am still currently active. I have been on two deployments, one to Guam for 6+ months and one to Kuwait for ~7 months. I contacted my mother maybe once on both deployments. When I am home I play video games or chill with my girlfriend, I don't go out drinking with friends because I feel like it is self-destructive and meaningless.

    My parents got a divorce when I was 7 years old, and I acquired a new stepdad within a year. My dad went through a couple of different women before settling down with the current woman he is with today. I speak to my dad maybe once a year. MAYBE. I am so distant with my entire family it's disgusting. I have no idea why it is so difficult for me to call or make ANY effort to keep in touch with them.

    I am too lazy to email them or call them back..and they are the only people that will be there for me if things go badly. I have been out of it for the past 4 years, lodged between feelings and uncertain of what, and who I am. I don't have any idea how to re-kindle my friendship with my family, or what the hell I can say to make things better..and even if I could, would I be able to maintain that relationship?

    I have said, promised, etc that I would keep in touch, and I never do. I don't call for birthdays, even though I know that it is the day.. I don't randomly email them telling them I love you. I don't do shit. No presents or anything. And the funny thing is, I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT THEM. I miss them to death and wish I could be with them for every holiday, every family get together, etc.. I am a fucking wreck come the holidays, and no one knows about it. I treat people like shit and don't give a fuck about anyone but myself.

    What the fuck can I do? What can I say? Should I go and see a therapist? This is the first time I have said anything about this in 4+ years.. I am really lost here. Any help would be greatly appreciated and welcomed.

    Cliffs: I burned bridges and need help re-constructing them. This is Cobra Commander's ark, and I have no jesus to help me, and the flood is coming faster and faster.
     
  2. dmcgill

    dmcgill New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2006
    Messages:
    1,651
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    IT2,

    Start doing what you haven't been. It's as simple as that. Stop being lazy, and if it bothers you this much and you miss them dearly then pick up the phone and make a call once a week. Sundays is best for me. That's all it has to be, a call to check up and see what's going on. You may not have much to talk about, but if you really care you will at least attempt it. And don't be afraid to tell them how you feel.

    Life is short. Don't be a dick. You'll feel much worse when they're gone otherwise.
     
  3. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2006
    Messages:
    32,407
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    OKC
    Have you considered that you just don't like them? You might be trying to reconcile these conflicting emotions of dislike for your family members with expectations of "normal family interactions". Fuck normal family interactions...that's just trying to live up to some idealistic standards.

    IMO this conflict is part of growing up. At some point you'll realize it's OK how you're feeling and your lack of desire to hang out with your family. Perhaps you don't like the family role you're in and they constantly put you in that role when you're around them. Perhaps they make you feel like a little boy instead of the man you are. Perhaps they disrespect your woman. Perhaps they tease you and you're sick and tired of it.

    I don't know the reasons but look, you don't have to explain why you like to hang out with your friends right? You just go, you look forward to it and you enjoy it. The fact that you don't have these same feelings for your family is natural and normal and IMO it's just all part of growing up.

    Perhaps I'm completely off the mark.
     
  4. Cobra Commander

    Cobra Commander OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2008
    Messages:
    20,930
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    I know what you say is true, and I have been thinking about this alot lately. I have considered purchasing a calendar and marking off one day a week to call my mom +family and my dad +family. I know I can't just jump into things like it never happened, but I know that one step at a time is better than no step at all. I think I just needed a good slap in the face. I'll update if I can keep up with a set schedule, even if it's just a phone call to say that I love you to them. Thanks alot for the words here.
    You know, I have thought about this alot too.. The only problem that lies here is that, I don't WANT to dislike my family. I know that may sound ridiculous and ignorant that you fight your own feelings about someone else but honestly, I really care about my family, deep down.

    I know that I have been a major douche to my mom and especially my dad, but they have always been there for me, and I can never disrespect that. I really do try to keep in mind that some day I will have kids of my own, and I would never wish what I have done upon myself.

    The biggest issue that I have with ALL people is that if you contact me and then I return it, (email, call, etc,) and I get nothing back..I drop all contact until I hear back. It's unhealthy I know, but the thing is, I feel like "If you don't have the time of day for me, why should I, you?"

    Thanks for the words of advice, and help in trying to figure me out. I really do appreciate it.
     
  5. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2006
    Messages:
    32,407
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    OKC
    Actually this doesn't sound strange to me at all. In fact, IMO this is the underlying reason for your conflict.

    As angry as I am at my brother, I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I actually want to like him. I was just telling a friend yesterday that, "I want to want to like my family more." Yes the 2 "want tos" are not a typo....it's an articulation of my desire to have a really close family that I enjoy spending time with and look forward to seeing.

    Unfortunately what happens more often is that I come away feeling frustrated, angry, stifled, or somehow disingenuous because of our interactions. What seems to be happening is that my family isn't living up to my ideal image of our interactions/family life. The discontent I feel is so often rooted in the difference between my expectation and reality.

    The cure for this is to adjust my expectations and simply accept my family as is.....but then I have a choice to make. I can either choose to hang with them or not.

    I remember past times when I've had an incredible amount of fun with my family. Times when it wasn't difficult hanging out with them. Times when I really wanted to see them and was saddened when our time together was over. Times when all we did was laugh and have fun. These are the times I want to remain....not the other times where it's difficult hanging out with them.

    Funny thing is, I can't predict which time we'll have together. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not so much but I also experience the same things with my friends. The confusing thing about family for me is when I really don't want to spend time with them.....but I feel like I "should" or I "ought to" spend time with them. This usually happens around the holidays.

    My mind tells me, "Dude, holidays are for family. Just go...you never know when life will take your family members away so spend time with them while they're here." Lately, the bad thing about this is that when I give into this self-inflicted-guilt, I come away pissed at myself for not honoring my own feelings.

    This year, I'm not going anywhere for Christmas and my family is all out of town. I'm spending the entire XMas holiday alone and with friends and I'm so excited about this I can't stand it. It's a HUGE gift I'm giving to myself because I'm honoring my own feelings and not judging them too harshly.

    So where I've gotten to in my life is trying to honor my own feelings even when these feelings are more strongly isolationist.

    I dunno man, I hope some of that makes sense.
     
  6. dmcgill

    dmcgill New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2006
    Messages:
    1,651
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    No problem, glad I could help.
     
  7. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2008
    Messages:
    9,447
    Likes Received:
    0
    I understand where you are coming from. I don't have a relationship with a good amount of my family and things with my mother have always been on the rocks. It bothers me because I would like to have a better relationship with them but at the end of the day it has been their actions that have driven us apart. I do try to keep things on okay terms with my mom and even though I don't call her nearly as much as she would like I try to text her just so she knows I do care.

    I think for you the first thing you could do would be to focus on one family member that you have the best relationship with and really make an effort to get in touch with them. Maybe just try calling your mom and seeing how things are with her. If she doesn't immediately call you back don't let that discourage you. This seems to be really important to you so you are going to have to put in the work.

    You mentioned that if someone doesn't return your call that you drop contact with them until you hear back but things can't always work that way. Imagine if your family did the same thing to you considering you mentioned that you are too lazy to return calls. It's time to step things up and make a real effort before it's too late. So, this Christmas give your mom a call and just wish her happy holidays. If she doesn't answer just leave a message and call back on New Years. Work your way up to calling her on those big days (holidays/birthdays) and then you can try calling her just to talk.

    I wish you the best of luck with this. Hopefully you'll be able to get this worked out so you can enjoy the holidays more :hug:
     

Share This Page