SRS I have come to the point of no return. Story of my life.(anonymous thread)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, May 30, 2009.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Sorry no cliffs, if you don’t want to read this, I completely understand.

    This has been in the back of my head for almost a year now, but I honestly never thought this would happen. Regarding life itself, I did not start off too bad, I personally think that I still had the most adventurous and entertaining childhood one can have. You know there is an old saying,

    “If you smile too much as a kid, there is a chance that you will end up using all your charges early on in life”. It has been very true for me so far. Shit started going downhill when my parents moved to Long Island. Not only did I lose all my friends, all the girls who chased me, all the people who were ready to do anything for me, but I also lost my identity and what made me who I was. Along with all of that, I also lost life itself. I lost belief in myself and I completely lost my pride.


    You know I had a very dysfunctional and hard childhood. My parents were very poor and they struggled just to bring food to the table. My dad was a good guy, he was a man with morals and pride, but at the same time, he was a big mouth who constantly put me down throughout my childhood. But since I had so many friends, and since my mom was so supportive of me, I never let that bother me one bit.

    I always came in first in my class and always got awards every class that I ever took. My dad would call me ugly, stupid, good for nothing, not as well as my brother who is now a vegetable. But I never gave a fuck. I never thought that one day all of that would come to haunt me so bitterly. I always considered myself to be the smartest kid who could get anything, if he put work into it. And usually I always got everything. I even remember getting a bicycle by working for this guy for three months straight as a kid.


    Life is not just something you can manufacture on a piece of paper or in a movie somewhere, life is not what people consider life to be, life is something that you enjoy living and breathing every single second. The moment you start pretending to be someone else, the moment you have to think about how you are going to go about your day and how you are going to try and have a life, is the moment when you start getting closer to the end of your life.


    For the past few months I have been popping one to two sleeping pills regularly just to fall asleep. I even work out for 2 hrs late in the night just so I am tired enough. I have filled up every minute of my daily life with online classes, cleaning up my room, cleaning up the kitchen, posting on OT and watching movies which have happy endings. I try to download as many comedies as I can on a daily basis. I even signed up for Netflix just so I can watch every single tv show.

    But in the end, I feel empty, I feel like I am not a human anymore. I can literally hear air passing through my nostrils, I can feel my upper jaw putting pressure on my lower jaw, I can feel my eyes getting heavier and tired from lifting up those fucking heavy ass contacts, and I can feel my hair thinning out on my scalp. I can even feel hair growing all over my hairless body, which I used to admire. But the worst of all is that other side of me, in the back of my head, which tells me that no matter how much I try,

    I am a fucking failure, and I will eventually end up in a 6 ft ditch with nothing accomplished. My dad would be shoveling sand into that ditch saying the same exact thing he always said “I knew you were no good for nothing. I told you long ago that you will die being worthless and stupid, and here you are, completely and utterly worthless. What a shame. I wish your brother was not half dead, he would at least make me proud”.

    I spent a lot of time playing video games in high school because this new neighborhood was very different from my old one. I played Final Fantasy 11 everyday from 4 p.m till midnight. I used to live in Jamaica Queens which is literally a shithole, only to move to one of the better neighborhoods in Long Island. But fuck even in game I could not accomplish much. I was never able to be as hardcore as the other players. But still I got to accomplish things which others could not, and it made me happy. Most of the kids in the school were very rich, snobby and racist. It was a school with 50% Jewish students, a lot of whom had parents recently move in. I personally was very quiet, but getting bullied on the bus everyday and then having people pick fights with me every now and then didn’t help either.

    I always tried to be nice, but since I did not know how to interact with these new people, I never tried to. I just stayed quiet and smiled. But that didn’t help, especially when you have all these fat fucking assholes eating all these cheeseburgers and picking on you, because you are not a fat fucking bully asshole like them. That’s when my hatred for fat people originated from. I am sorry but I am just being honest,

    I do not judge people anymore, but back then I did. This led the counselors to send me to a social worker who had meetings with me every now and then. They thought I was very quiet and sad and I was going to waste my time killing these fat people who are eventually going to die from diabetes anyways. He finally came to a conclusion that all those meetings were useless, because I was never fucked in my head, it were the people who made me this way.

    But hey guess what, I was all about changes. I wanted to change so I signed up to play soccer for the school. I was so good that usually I’d get a goal or two every game, but that only put fuel onto the bullying fire I received afterwards. What sucked even more was that I had no friends anymore who would fight for me, so basically I would just end up getting tackled by some fat gangster kid who kept throwing paper balls at me, and when I threw it back, him and his friends wanted a piece of me. I would get pushed around all the time in soccer. Even in the locker room.

    That was when I started considering high school to be a waste of time. I had a girl or two approach me, I talked to them, but I knew that they’d be way too high of maintenance if I tried to get with them. They had elevators in their houses. Eventually I would eat my lunch downstairs at the gym and talk with the janitor or something while I was at it. I would wear big baggy clothes which represented the same thing I was fighting against, but at least it covered me up well enough for me to not care what was going around me, or what people thought of me.

    Fast forward to college. I made good friends during freshman year because I was usually a lot of fun to be around. But slowly I started realizing that people would act strange around me, they would either pretend they didn’t know me in front of others, or they would just downright say some shit which would piss me off. But since It took me so long to make friends, I would just keep drinking till my sense of self respect would eventually disappear. If I ever did stand up for myself, everyone would call my an asshole and stop talking to me.


    Two years forward I only have things getting worse. I do have good grades and I have a bright future in pre medicine, but I still don’t have any such thing as a life. I am still a fucking virgin, I wear retainers which give me a slight lisp, the only two friends I have in this world are my two suite mates, one of whom is moving out. Now I am not a fag or anything but I will deeply miss him, and it has been bothering me every day. He is the only person I talk to period, besides teacher. If he goes away for 10 days, it just means I will go for 10 days without talking to anyone. I almost forget how to respond or socialize sometimes. It feels so awkward.

    It almost feels like the walls of my room are closing in. I don’t see myself making any friends in the future. Everyone fucking hates me. The only person in this world who loves me is my mom, the rest think of me as a liability. I can no longer play soccer, or go outside on a bike run with my friends, or go hang out at someone’s place. The only thing that makes me alive is working out and lifting weights, but even that is getting harder. Since I get drunk so often now, I often pick fights with random people just to make them beat the fuck out of me, hoping that I’d somehow end up dead. Just during the past three weeks I got into three fights, where I provoked some guy much bigger than me into fighting me, and then I kept getting up and did not hit him back at all. I made sure I was getting beat till I was knocked out. Unfortunately none of those bastards could manage to kill me.

    I come back home with injuries which take weeks to recover. I am a complete fucking loser. I am not good at anything anymore. Hell fuck, even after studying all day and taking summer classes, I still lose points because of tiny mistakes here and there, only to end up with grades that are no better than people who are doing all these things, accomplishing all this shit, getting all this sweet pussy, driving all these cars. Here I am lying in my bed trying to sleep, and I don’t have a reason not to chug on the whole bottle of sleeping pills. I am the loneliest person on the planet who has nothing to show for himself. I keep trying and trying but nothing ever changes, my fate is stuck to me like fucking glue, I can’t change it at all. If I try to change, there is always something uncontrollable that pushes me back to my state of complete patheticness.
     
  2. saabguy

    saabguy Active Member

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    Volunteer? Will give you something to do, hopefully give you some meaning, purpose, and make you feel good about yourself.
     
  3. SuckerPhree

    SuckerPhree New Member

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    It sounds to me that you have a combination of internal issues.

    One of them being you have low self esteem. To be honest, I have that problem, too. In this case, I don't know what to tell you that you probably don't already hear from friends. It's all mental. Try to focus on the positives.
    You seem like a well educated and observant individual who understands things deeper than your peers. (Honestly, I don't know... it just seems like most people who post in The Asylum have good perspective on serious issues.)

    Another issue seems to be that you are too hard on yourself. Perhaps you absorb everything that makes you unhappy and you think it's a personal flaw?
    Like your father, I'm sure he's a great provider, but that doesn't excuse him from taking out his personal short-comings out on you.
    And more importantly, the way he treats you or your brother is not your fault.
    Don't take things so personally, I guess.

    Try not to let other people or external-social quotas define you.
    Who says that being 20-something is too old to be a virgin? Pop Culture? You really want to be like those spoiled kids on MTV?

    You only have to answer to yourself.

    Try to have more fun, too. Don't dwell on things. There's nothing you can do about anything in the past, right?
    I think if you try to be more social, it will improve your mental state in many forms. You build confidence. You meet new people (girls.) Hell, even if it's just hanging out at your friend's basement playing video games. That's pretty much what I do every other weekend.

    Sorry if I couldn't really give advice. I don't know you personally.

    Remember: Nothing lasts forever, good or bad.
    and
    Life is Struggle
     
  4. Victoriono

    Victoriono New Member

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    Well, you don't want to kill yourself, you just want the pain to go away. If you wanted to kill youself you wouldn't have posted here, maybe left a note to people that knew you to explain why, but that would be it.

    Man up and start dealing with things, it's usually easiest to do with by taking one or a few things at the time. The advice is really not going to get much better than this. Therapy, medication and so on really does nothing if the person themself does not want to do anything to change their situation. Most people take anti-depressants and are still depressed.
     
  5. Boy Bravado

    Boy Bravado fuck this

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    You're still your father's son.

    You wanna change? Kill the father... metaphorically speaking. You gotta stand up for yourself inside your head. Your darkside is constantly egging on ya, throwing doubts, regrets, laments, guilts and all the negative affirmations it has in its arsenal everyday. Think of it as a mirror for self-identity. You want to fill your mind with positive affirmations, like "My father's wrong, I believe in myself." Yell "Shut up!" in your head when you begin to hear your dad's voice. Do this everyday, it might seem stupid and trivial at first, but trust me, in time, the darkside will move back into the depth and not bother you as much. You only need to knock the dad off the pedestal and claim your place on it.
     
  6. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Hmm. This sounds vaguely familiar -- only vaguely, but familiar nonetheless.

    I moved a lot as a kid (3x before age 10, 3x more before age 25), so I never really had the solid group of friends that you had, but in college I developed some relationships with people that persist to this day. But I ended up not graduating on time, and I had to stay an extra semester, so I spent my last semester in college alone in a small house near the beach in the middle of the winter. I can relate to the sleeping problems and the sense of nothingness inside, because by the end of the semester I was drinking myself to sleep and sleeping on the couch with the television on, just so I wouldn't feel quite so lonely. I only had a couple of classes a week, so I would hang out in the dining hall on campus until they closed every night. I called my parents shortly before my birthday and told them I wanted balloons -- nothing else, just balloons. They got scared and called the cops to make sure I was alright. It wasn't a fun semester.

    But, in the end, I learned a lot about myself, and grew as a person. The reason? While I never had much of a life, I had nonetheless always defined myself as being the conceptual space in between all of the people and things around me, and as the thing that tied all of those people and things together into something coherent and identifiable as "me" -- but when there was nothing left at all that I identified with, I was forced to figure out who I was as a person, independent of anything else in the world. It sounds like you're in a position where you need to do that.

    Just keep doing what you always used to do, even if you have to force yourself against your better judgement to do those things, and try to pay attention to the effects those things have on you -- that will tell you why you started doing them in the first place, and remind you of the core values and talents and interests that made those things appealing in the first place. Then you will begin to understand yourself as an adult -- you will never make any progress in life until you can achieve that much, at least.
     
  7. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    You say you dont 'amount to anything', but isnt that dependant on what 'anything' is? I think you should define what you want out of life before assuming you dont have it or never will. Whether its money, fame, friends or whatever. I think you first have to have a goal before you can make a plan to reach it, and of course reach it.

    Also, please dont be ashamed of being a virgin. I am personally waiting to get married, but even if that is not a goal for you, its still an honorable thing. You want to make sure its with the right person. Even if you are not married, or you dont stay with that person forever, at least be comfortable enough with them so that you dont end up regreting it. imo

    I think the attitude of the movie Yes Man might help you. Saying yes to more oportunities, even if they seem crazy. You will have more experiences, make new connections. Your roommate, does he have any friends he can introduce you to? I think you have to work at living and being happy, its not really something that comes natural to people.

    Also, please dont ever feel worthless. No one is worthless. I dont think life is valued by what you accomplish, or how much you make, or even really how others see you, but how you see yourself. Work on being happy with yourself. Happiness is an attitude not a possession.

    I could probably go on forever, but I'm not sure how much would make sense. I hope something that someone says helps and makes you feel better.
     
  8. saabguy

    saabguy Active Member

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    it sounds like you don't have a job either...i always had at least 2 jobs in college, and i met a lot of really good friends while working. that might be an avenue you could explore. just don't lock yourself in a room and think that watching funny movies and playing on the computer will lighten your spirits. you need something to help get you out and active/involved. maybe a job would do the trick :dunno:
     
  9. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    I'm not going to preach to you. I'll just offer you a suggestion...

    You need perspective. Go pack your bags, go on a trip for a month to a place in the world you have never been to before. I guarantee you you'll come back a new person.

    I think you're just so focused around your own bubble right now.
     
  10. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    :ugh:

    That's an old saying? I've never heard it, or anything like it. Kids are supposed to play and laugh and have as much fun as possible. And in my experience, the more a kid does that, they better he turns out.

    Sounds like you went from being a big fish in a little pond to being a little fish in a big pond. It's not easy, but adjusting to a new place doesn't mean you have to lose yourself.

    Why did moving change any of this?

    working out for 2hrs before bed is helping keep you AWAKE, not heping you fall asleep.

    none of those are relationships. who is in your life that you have a relationship with?

    good news, you are causing most of your problems. it's good news because that means they're easy to fix if you're willing to work on it.
     
  11. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I've never heard this saying....ever. Not only that, I think it's total BS. You know why? Because life is about change. The one constant in life is that EVERYTHING is changing. You can deny it, run from it, ignore it, and wish that it's not true but it is....everything is changing.

    Here's something that AA taught me.....that good times come and good times go and that bad times come and bad times go. Good times are not the norm and neither are bad times. We may go through periods of bad times but that doesn't mean we will not also go through periods of good times....WE WILL.

    The main things tho is that none of this change has anything to do with whether or not you smiled too much.

    Sorry....I'm too tired and too emotionally wrung out to read the rest.
     

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