I have come to the conclusion that all of my relationships are shortened versions

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by demosnat, Feb 4, 2008.

  1. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    of other ones i've been in.

    Morgen and boy start dating

    Everything goes very well, for a bit, he treats her well, is open about feelings, she doesn't have to do any of the work emotionally.

    Morgen finds out boy is secretly a giant ball of depression, anxiety, and other psychological bullshit.

    Morgen leaps into "ohmygosh I can save him" mode, and drops everything to take care of boy.

    Boy develops a drug problem, or formerly developed drug problem becomes apparent to Morgen.

    Morgen again, does everything within her hyper-maternal power to help boy get clean and get his life on track.

    Everything blows up in Morgen's face.

    The obvious answer here is to not date users, but I don't always know that they are at the beginning.
    The real problem here is that i'm hyper maternal and I want to take care of people. This has ALWAYS been an issue for me. As a kid I would take in injured animals and try to nurse them back to health. I have a homeless guy I feed on a pretty regular basis. I spend a LOT of time trying to help out my roommate, who's had a lot of emotional problems his whole life. I give away my money and time like its water if I think it will help someone.
    I realize, that this really isn't helping anyone.
    I can't help but take care of people. I've tried volunteering and stuff, but I never feel like i'm doing anything.
    I know the answer is 'find some way to get out your need to care for things in a way that isn't going to fuck your shit up' but, ugh, I always get into these situations without really realizing I am.
    Should I buy more houseplants? Get a sick cat? I'm at a loss.
     
  2. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Maybe you need someone to take care of you for a change.
     
  3. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Its possible :dunno: I don't know what they would take care of though :o

    I actually think, a lot of this stems from the fact that as a kid, things were SO fucked up for me, and I always wanted someone to help me, and it just never happened, and I had to do it alone.
    I'm really in tune to other peoples suffering, and I always feel like I can help others in the way I always needed.

    Fucked eh?
     
  4. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    It sounds like you're searching for some meaning in your life and taking care of others is a way to fulfill your needs.

    And maybe you're a little dead inside. People who are needy can bring out powerful emotions that you desperately want to feel again. Feeling needed makes you clutch onto the needy and because they are being taken care of, they clutch onto you too. It's a recipe for failure, indeed.
     
  5. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Thats something i've been talking about on here for awhile. I only feel if its an extreme situation. Times in the last year or so i've felt anything:

    My friend died of dehydration
    I broke things off with my ex
    On and off when i fell in love with the guy i was with until a few days ago
    when i found out he was doing drugs behind my back
    When I felt like I was helping him get clean
    When he found out his business had 20k stolen, and he wasn't sure how to pay for his house, I felt pity, and love, and a need to help
    I've been really angry the last week or so b/c he just disappeared, no one can get ahold of him, he's just off somewhere with a needle in his arm.

    Thats about it.
    It always makes me think about Plato. Plato HATED art and theater. He said it gave us exaggerated emotions, in a safe place, emotion without context. We could feel great love with no risk of heartbreak, or heartbreak that ended when we left the theater. We could feel mortal fear, with no risk of bodily harm, etc. He said it made us dead to normal emotions, that we have become addicted to the exaggerated ones. I don't know if thats the case for me, but for whatever reason, for most of my life, I mean, i'm happy, i'm content, I have a LOT of fun, but I never feel attached to anyone, and i'm never angry, and never sad, unless its a HUGE thing that has happened.
     
  6. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    I feel this way a lot of the time too, but if you stop and spend some time to think about what you do on a day to day basis I think you'll find some places that you could use some 'care'. Maybe you're responsible and independent and don't need someone to care for you in that way.

    Perhaps the best type of care you could receive is someone who cares about them self. If you find someone who cares about them self and is still able to make you happy, you'd be better off -- I think.
     
  7. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    When I first read The Republic, I thought that it was absurd. But now I can see why he came to believe in that and how he must have gotten there. Art and theater is a good example of something that starts off as being amazing but can also hurt you. Living in our imaginations makes us lose touch with reality. We seek out the dramatic because that's what we're used to. Reality isn't interesting enough compared to movies and written fiction.
     
  8. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    the answer, IMO, isnt to get a sick cat or to externalize...

    the answer is a boundary question. there's nothing wrong with helping other people (even in big ways like you do), but you need to bail the very second you see they aren't making real effort to help themselves. you can't do that for them.
     
  9. Yahdude

    Yahdude New Member

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    See a therapist...there are obvious underlying issues. If nothing more they will be able to help you deal with/resolve those feelings/needs to take care of/repair someone.
     
  10. Yahdude

    Yahdude New Member

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    what she needs to do is stop being attracted to people who need to be fixed...she is choosing them sub-consciously.
     
  11. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    For what it's worth, I have the same problem (maybe not as hardcore as yours), but that's where a lot of my issues with women stem from--I tend to be attracted to/choose the wrong kind of woman thinking I can help her, end up believing her bullshit and thinking she'll change, only to get more of the same I've always been used to.

    So I know how you feel. I can't tell you why you do what you do though, but I think it's admirable that you care so much. :dunno:

    Does this thread mean that you are having the same thing happen in your current relationship?
     
  12. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    it'd be great if most people in the world are problem free but that's not the case. if it's not drugs it is something else. in almost all cases you won't know how bad it is until you're already emotionally invested in that person. at first when you meet them they might be clean, but if they go back to their addiction they become a different person.

    when someone reaches out to you, you'll want to help because you're a friend. being in a relationship though, it's difficult to set limits on how much you should help.
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    We've talked before about your Florence Nightgale sydrome :hs: It's an endearing trait to have, but obviously as you know, it gets old and tiring for yourself, your soul and your sanity. The only thing I think there really is to say is to consciously watch yourself and who you choose as a mate, but I read you say you you don't realiuze the men are users or past abusers. I was about to ask if you really truly think maybe you are choosing your men by some unconscious realization that these guys do or will need fixing.

    I think you need to seperate yourself from these kinds of people, whether you attract them because of your lifestyle or what you like to do in your freetime Viper is right, you need someone to take care of you. However, I also think getting an animal of some kind would be very very beneficial for you :)
     
  14. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I am 100 percent sure I DO subconsciously, or consciously, choose people based on these things.
    I don't personally use, but my ENTIRE group of friends does, by and large. I've been making an effort lately to cut this group of friends out of my life, and spend more time with the 'good' ones. It's been really fucking hard, because as a kid I really felt like these people were family, like they took care of me. But yeah, working on that.

    To the poster who suggested therapy, i'm actually looking into it. I went a lot as a kid, and I used to really enjoy it (it was court ordered as part of my parents divorce that all minors seek therapy).
     
  15. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Yes but worse. My ex was at least clean/on medication by the time I found out what was going on. This guy, I found out, confronted him, his family found out, confronted him, and he's like, gone. Just fucking gone. He won't speak to anyone because he's humiliated, so he's just holed up (we think) in his drug dealers fucking basement.
     
  16. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Jesus Christ. That sucks.

    :hug:
     
  17. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I'm so fucking worried. I don't think I could be with him or anything, but as his friend, i want to intervene and help him, he's really at a point right now where I believe its his last chance to step back and get help.
     
  18. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Understandable that you would be worried, but you know? There's only so much you can do. You can't stop people from making decisions to destroy their lives. They have to wake up on their own.
     
  19. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Ugh, I know. I really realized this the other day when I used the same line a girlfriend of mine used when talking about her fiance who beat her. "you know I just feel that everyone else in his life has given up on him, I don't want to do that too"
     
  20. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Heh, we all do it. That very line has gotten me friendzoned, shit on, walked all over, and just flat out hurt more times than I can count though.

    And some people are REALLY good at making you think that you are helping them. That you are different than the others. And that makes you feel really special and like you are accomplishing something.

    But really, at the end of the day, it's all bullshit. Plus, we shouldn't get with our partners to fix them. We are not therapists, and no matter how much we wanna help, people have got to help themselves.
     
  21. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    BTW, that stuff is so much easier to say on my end than it is for you to hear on your end I am sure.

    Feelings are tricky little devils.
     
  22. Bob Brown

    Bob Brown bewshit, bewshit, bewshit

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    Mistress Save-an-Emo?
     
  23. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    you really believe that? I may be off base here but im willing to bet you that I could tell you that you are choosing the fucked up ones without talking to these guys for more then 15 minutes.

    I've hung out in circles where drug use is pretty common, so I'm not comming from a judgemental place about drug use being just for "junkies" or anything. I understand some people can recreationally use and some people can't. Im talking about the angst filled emotionally damaged depressed thing.
     
  24. Kalypso

    Kalypso New Member

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    I'd go with stop dating drug addicts, lol. If it's that much of a problem throw down an ultimatum early on.
     
  25. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I bet you can guess what my first major was :mamoru:
     

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