SRS I have an addiction of cutting...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Demon Of Dreams, Jan 9, 2004.

  1. Demon Of Dreams

    Demon Of Dreams Feed me with lies and hate, and from that, I will

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    not a typical addiction, and not something I do a whole lot of late...


    however tonight I was ready to...

    I have numerous scars from my past that I wear, mostly because I couldn't figure out another way of expressing myself...


    well I did have another way of expressing myself, it was through alcohol, and obviously that wasn't the best of ideas either... drowning my feelings temporarily instead of working on them or through them...

    What surprised me tonight though is my SO got me bothered enough to where I just wanted to cut my arm and let my blood flow out and relieve some of the pressure and frustration I was feeling tonight... and I found myself actually relieved that I didn't want to go out and drink ... then thought to myself, wondering which one was actually the better thing to do...

    booze on one hand would close off my feelings for awhile, lose me my 2+ years clean, throw away everything I've gained over those two years, and throwing away every last thing in my life for the past 22 years... the last time I wanted to drink, I was ready to drink myself to death and I am a firm believer that if I do pick up again, I will not stop until I destroy everything around me until it literally kills me...

    on the other hand... cutting may not seem to most people like its much better... to me, I guess it is, because I can wear the scar as a reminder as to what happens when I get like that. It also releases something that I've found nothing else can compare to, not so much an adrenaline rush, but a relaxing, soothing, almost etheral feeling that leaves you calm enough to sort out your thoughts rationally, and start to deal with things I need to deal with...

    its more creative I guess and not many people will admit to doing it because they're viewed as a sick person... however a lot of the same people are the ones who live their lives doing drugs and don't think they are viewed as sick for that...

    me on the other hand, I don't mind if I'm viewed as sick, because in all honesty, I am... because I have addictions and I am working my way through life fighting them, and its just another hurdle I've got to work on...

    I officially kicked caffiene as well, as best I can anyway... I've snuck it in here and there because its been around me, but I'm hoping to get it completely gone as well (because I hate diet soda and am working on getting rid of soda in general, and with a new diet I can hopefully do that hehehe) ...

    so eventually, I will get through the cutting, or maybe I won't, because I want to get tattoo's and I want to get piercings and I like body art... and unfortunately not all addictions I'll be able to get over... once I get a tattoo I'll want another... its just how things are I guess.. so its hard to group cutting into one place or another... I just know it feels good...
     
  2. Demon Of Dreams

    Demon Of Dreams Feed me with lies and hate, and from that, I will

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    not a risk because I don't do it where there are any major arteries or veins... also I usually don't cut deep enough for that to be a problem... I'm not suicidal just looking for a release...

    i'd understand if she freaked, but I'd have to sit down with her and talk about it, if she weren't willing and able then I don'tknow...

    my SO would know because I'd tell her why I did it, and to what extent why it had to be done etc...

    I don't know how she'd feel, because I've never had anyone aside from my mom who would react to it, I don't know if she'd be understanding once it was talked about or if she'd want some time away ...

    I'd think she were nuts if she didn't feel that she could say anything controversial, because there are times when it isn't even person related, just needing that release, because there are no other options at the time and it would be something I feel much safer in doing than anything else... I guess they'd have to understand the feeling of how it is to cut oneself on purpose or have oneself cut on purpose with no intent other than to heighten the senses and aim for a release of somesort.

    I do it because it'd calm me down and let me think rationally and not say or do something I really would regret. I'd have no regret cutting my own flesh for that purpose, because again, its something I feel safer with
     
  3. Demon Of Dreams

    Demon Of Dreams Feed me with lies and hate, and from that, I will

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    binge drinking would be a big no for me... because I have no limits... if I do find a limit, I'll push that limit the next day and just go until it kills me. I wouldn't stop because if I pick up that one drink, I have nothing going for me and I have no second chances...


    its not exactly killing pain... its more causing a pain that I can understand and deal with quickly, and it allows for a depth of searching and thought processes that allows me to understand and deal with the pains I currently do not understand or am unable to deal with... its gotten me through some harder times and I've let things build uptoo much to where I am able to sort through things easilly and be able to understand and deal with them
     
  4. Phish Esq.

    Phish Esq. New Member

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    basically ,you've already relapsed or were never clean and sober to begin with. I don't know if you are moderator, if you are you should have someone else do it. Go see your sponser and bring this up in a meeting.
     
  5. Demon Of Dreams

    Demon Of Dreams Feed me with lies and hate, and from that, I will

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    my sponsor already knew about it...

    I have not relapsed and I have been clean and sober for two years...

    I'd like to hear your thoughts on why you believe this is so...
     
  6. Phish Esq.

    Phish Esq. New Member

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    I'd say that is disrupted behavior. Basically, your not living a clean program by cutting yourself.
    I knew alot of anorexics and bulemics that use a 12 step program and go to aa and na for the philosophy(OA isn't that big) They essentially quit drinking and drugs because it's included in their behavior. So when they relapse on drinking or speed ,it's a fine line as to whether they relapsed in their eating program.
    It's up to you. If you think cutting yourself doesn't exhibit relapse behavior and pointing you in the wrong direction as far recovery is concerned, cut your arm off.
    You make a direct correlation between an alcohol/drug feeling to that of which the cutting induces. So you tell me.
     
  7. Demon Of Dreams

    Demon Of Dreams Feed me with lies and hate, and from that, I will

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    Of course its disrupted behavior...

    where in that post did it say I cut myself during my clean time?
    no where.

    the cutting induces a lot more feelings than that of a drug or alcohol feeling for one, as described above... no drug or alcohol could ever make me feel that way.


    its the same as racing on some level... are you going to tell someone who is addicted to the adrenaline and the speed and the enjoyment out of putting their life on the line and striving to be the best in a race, that they relapsed because they're racing while being in a 12 step program?

    what about a person in a 12 step program who gets another tattoo? those can be fairly addicting as well ...

    but again, I haven't cut myself since before I got clean ...
    so what makes you think that because I felt like cutting myself, I'm not living a clean program?
     
  8. Phish Esq.

    Phish Esq. New Member

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    I thought you had been doing it recently, my bad:)carry on
     
  9. Milin

    Milin It's Terminal.

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    i am a fellow masochistic sufferer. every time I encounter a hard time like you are right now, I go out and get something pierced by a professional. safe...nice and painful and you get lots of compliments on how it looks.

    oh and don't worry about it being a one time thing, it will continue to hurt and the piercing will stay as a constant reminder of why you got it.

    the other option is tattoos.

    just want to help a fellow "cutter" out
     
  10. EkriirkE

    EkriirkE Zika Xenu OT Supporter

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    I'm not sure if/how this fits in, but I like(d) to cut off moles. I wouldn't cut deep, just take all the pigment away. Man those suckers bleed, I even have to make custom bandaids so I dont stain my clothes. All my darker ones are gone, but sometimes I find a new one, and I cut it off. I don't think of it as bad, but I suppose this should be done by a doctor or something...
     
  11. Demon Of Dreams

    Demon Of Dreams Feed me with lies and hate, and from that, I will

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    I wish I could afford professional piercing... :hs: :o but there aren't many things I want pierced... I think I'd rather have the scars, they don't heal as well as piercing holes if I decide I get tired of a piercing... can't just up and decide to take a scar out like you can a piece of metal :)

    Scars are my friend :hs:

    Where do you get your tattoos? Since you're erm, close, and all, maybe you can suggest a place where they have a decent artist who is good with freehand? :x: I have a lot of ideas, just can't draw them myself :(
     
  12. Milin

    Milin It's Terminal.

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    i go to tribal nation in sherman texas...talk to my friend mitch...hes an amazing artist.


    on a side note...last night i did it again...i really wish i didn't have this kind of thing going on...but i just never saw drugs or alchohol as an acceptable option when I started doing this and I figured it wouldnt be as noticeable.

    :( i was doing so well for a while....anyone got any ideas on alternate ways to make it stop hurting.
     
  13. Demon Of Dreams

    Demon Of Dreams Feed me with lies and hate, and from that, I will

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    I'll see about that...
    if I could find a car for cheap I'd be all over getting a tattoo soon :hs:

    :werd: to the rest...
    I too don't consider the drugs or alcohol as an option... last time I did it there was a bottle of ale on the counter unopened (i bought it because the bottle looks cool :rofl: didn't bother opening it though i should to drain it but the cap on it is cool and its not a twist cap :hs: ) ...

    as far as noticable, its not, it took my girlfriend a few days to even notice it, and i had forgotten about it after it was done...

    and ditto on the first bit of te last line :hs:

    there are no real other options... there are drugs, there is alcohol, there is cutting, piercing, tattooing, etc... then there is just sitting there hurting and not doing anything about it... and thats just a lot harder than just giving yourself a temporary fix...


    things can get better though man, even through the darkest times there is always light in some direction... you just need to find that direction and follow it till you reach that light, it gets easier, then it'll get difficult again...

    but such is life
     
  14. Imhannayay

    Imhannayay Guest

    I used to have the same problems with alcohol, pills and cutting. Sometimes I resort back to doing it when I just can't take it anymore. My husband seems to know when things become too much for me and he will do anything in his power to stop me, he has even sat on top of me. I still have issues with pills though. I can't have anything stronger than Tylenol or Ibuprofen in the house because I always end up practicly overdosing. We all have our issues. This is mine. Hurts like Hell to admit to my problems because I used to tell myself that I didn't have any. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I relate and that I hope things work out for you. Its not easy to deal with things of this nature.
     

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