SRS i have add and i'm depressed.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Capicu, Sep 6, 2008.

  1. Capicu

    Capicu New Member

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    i think i made a post about this before but i don't remember.

    i was diagnosed with add as a child and i didn't find out about it until last year.

    i've been taking meds for it for a few months now. although not everyday.

    quite frankly I really hate myself for this right now. I don't think its fair. Why can't i be fucking normal? why do i always have to fuck up everything?!!!

    i try so hard to do the right thing, and i end up fucking shit up anyway.

    I always feel like i'm misunderstood because apparently i do and say things that come off completely different than what i had intended.

    I come off as being lazy and not giving a fuck when i honestly feel like i try my best.

    i've noticed i have a huge problem with managing time properly. Even though i know i have to be somewhere at a certain time and i try my best to make it, I manage to get there LATE.

    I try to be punctual but no matter what i fucking do, i always end up LATE.

    I've missed a shit load of classes (i'm a college student) because of this and now i just made my girlfriend blow a job interview because i offered to take her, and we got there LATE. I picked her up too late because i ended up leaving my house at the time i should have picked her up.

    why can't this shit just fucking go away. I don't intentionally do this, it's not like i'm sitting on my ass going "ok i'm gunna get there late on purpose, i don't give a fuck about anything"

    although i've been told my whole life i'm very intelligent, i don't feel that way.

    i've been in college for 3 years. I'm a pre-med student. I should have taken the MCAT already. And i'm stuck taking intro bio. AGAIN. at this rate, i'm probably never going to graduate.

    I also feel like i'm very socially retarded. I was watching "forest gump" the other day and i could identify with him. I've fucked up every relationship i've had because i'm fucking stupid and irrational. Not only girlfriends, but friends and family as well.

    My intentions aren't bad, The people who really know me, know that i don't try to fuck people over i don't try to fuck things up. But sometimes my actions come off differently i guess.

    I'm seeing a therapist now to help me handle all the symptoms but i just feel like its not fair.

    I feel like i don't deserve to be with anybody, like i don't deserve to be happy. What the fuck did I do?
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2008
  2. Capicu

    Capicu New Member

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    i feel like i am a waste of air. What good am I to this world if I can't do anything right? EVER.

    I fuck up school
    I fuck up my jobs
    I fuck up my relationships
    People think i'm a lazy bum
    People think i'm a nasty asshole

    I struggle to have people understand me, I struggle to do everything right, yet I always manage to FUCK UP anyway
     
  3. ADD/ADHD IS BULLSHIT. Don't let doctors tell you that you have a problem. It is NORMAL to have problems. It is normal to fuck up and not like school. It is normal to fuck up and not like jobs. IT IS NORMAL. Everyone fucks up sometime. It is obvious that you are depressed but if I were you I would really look for the ROOT CAUSE of everything. I doubt it is school, your job or your relationship but a more core ideal.

    Focus on school, if that is what you want to excel at. Study your ass off before the material gets over your head and you can't catch up.
     
  4. It's bullshit. Are they taking chemical imbalance readings from your brain when you are "diagnosed" with ADD/ADHD? No, they just do some bullshit tests, take your money and give you a piece of paper saying you have ADD so now you get more time on tests. I was "diagnosed" with it too and I know it's bullshit. I was (and still am) a crazy hyper kid and that's fucking normal. I hate school too, but I do very well when I put my mind to it. I never took the bullshit medicine which is rediculous might I add. Have you guys ever taken it? It cokes you out HARD and they are giving this to kids every single day of their lives. If I take some adderral I will be so concentrated on whatever I do in a bad way. It also destroys your appetite and keeps you up at night. It is essentially dumbed down speed. Good things we give it to our kids though.
     
  5. Bugalu

    Bugalu OT Supporter

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    :ugh:

    it not bullshit.

    I was diagnosed with this as a kid and I know exactly what this guy is talking about I went thru (and in some cases, still do go thru his problems......

    i dont know what to tell you, medication worked for me... I am not currently on anything and function just fine now..

    10 years ago, without medication I would be all over the place :hs:
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Yeah i know completely what is wrong with you. You can safely throw those medicines away because they aren't going to help you one bit. Reason is that they are problem supressors, not problem solvers.

    Its all about 'approuch', they don't teach you extremely important things in school like, concentration, or why you are in school in the first place. They don't even teach you why its important to be in time in the first place. All these missing pieces of information that you need in order to function in society are missing. What they consider as 'common sense', is actually therefore not taught, and exactly what you 'lack'.

    I'll teach you, and also added i do not arrive in time, and lack of concentration to your list of complaints.

    Imagine you order your most favorite video, it was scheduled to arrive today, but you didn't receive it because its late. How would you feel? It would make you feel miserable, and depressed. Actually it comes finally after 3 months more of waiting, but then you found out its damaged. How would it make you feel? Angry,sad, miserable. Well guess what that's the exact same feeling you are giving others when you come late. That's why you need to be PUNCTUAL!. Its extremely important not to bring this sadness to others, as you would feel sad yourself. Buy an alarmclock, or wrist watch and ALWAYS set the alarm for when you have an appointment, write it down on the calender, as a precaution ALWAYS go 15 minutes in advance to somewhere where you need to go. Even if its just a precaution or almost seemingly rediculous, don't trust the idea that you 'have time', you don't , come in early > coming late. That's always a truth.

    Attention defecit disorder is usually said to be the 'lack of ability to focus on those goals that need to be forfilled', so you need to start working on your concentration, and not giving up on a goal/project until it is complete. Start reading books, they force you to concentrate , and completing a book from beginning to end before start reading a new book will make you gain an attitude of accomplishment, and that it is extremely important to 'finish' what you start. Read a book about Bhuddism and start practising it , it will calm you down. If you have a lot of energy left, redirect it into doing positive things. Hit the gym , or build something. Life isn't just about being smart, its also about playing it smart, and combining that intelligence with the right actions.

    There is no honour in giving up, fucking up your school is the result of not giving the required effort to succeed, you need to work harder to achieve the results that are needed in order to finish school. Also get rid of the fuck it attitude, instead work harder to succeed. You need to make your life a success.

    You need to redirect your energy into not fucking up your job, instead of thinking you can do it all, look more closely into what is required to do a good job, do more effort to do a good job, when you fuck up, correct the mistake as soon as possible, after you fall so to speak, you need to stand up and move on again as quickly as possible, doing everything you can in order to complete your goals.
    It is needed to understand that you aren't allowed to fuck up in life, you cannot submit to it, if something goes wrong, you need to give yourself another chance at life,then find out what went wrong, and prevent it from ever happening in the future again.

    Show everyone including yourself that you are prepared to do EVERYTHING in order not to be considered as a lazy bum. If you don't understand why people think negative about you, you can ask them, although its never a nice answer if they are straightforward to you, you 'll get a straight answer, don't blame them, rather start working on the problem.
     
  7. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Pen is Mightier:

    Most people with ADHD I know (myself included) don't get extra time on tests. I'm not going to argue with you over whether it exists or not, we'll just agree to disagree, but if someone is taking meds for it, and the meds are working, there is no need to get extra time on tests.

    So, if you're angry about someone you know getting more time on tests, I'll give you that.

    Second, if you're going to try to make a claim, please try doing it in an adult, professional, and mature manner. If you're going to be spouting the word "bullshit" every 5 words, it makes it difficult to take your argument seriously.

    Third, you say the test used are "bullshit". Describe the tests you took, tell us why they are not valid.

    Present your arguments in a calm manner, otherwise I am going to think of you the way you post...some angry, ignorant kid who has no real idea of what he is talking about.
     
  8. I was drunk, hah...I'll reply with a better story soon.
     
  9. Nearly everyone I know (myself excluded) DO get extra time on tests, especially this was true in high school. In college I believe it's harder or at least more work to get approved for extra time, but in high school it was rediculous. 1.5 or 2x time on every test was very common. I don't remember a lot of the tests I took because I was...11...maybe 12 at the time. But I remember one of them was a computer program where there is a box on the screen that moves and you have to keep clicking it and then if you dazed off or something obviously you would forget to click it. Then they talked to you for a while, observed how you reacted to certain questions. I don't remember many of the others though. But this "disorder" they test for is not some kind of disease in my opinion. If it were really that obvious and a "chemical inbalance" in the brain, don't you think they would just test for that? I'm sure some people with ADHD are slow and do deserve the extra time, but I think they are just slow, they don't have ADHD. Then there are people who abuse the priveleges and just get the testing solely for the extra time on tests/SATs. This is wrong but it occurs everyday and that also really ticks me off. It's like getting a handicap plaque (sp?) for your car and then walking into Wal-Mart and the handicap 85 year old has to go park far away and hobble her way in. It's just people abusing the system. I really hate the pills though...Ritalin and Adderall are basically street drugs in smaller, edible form. Giving them to our children is RIDICULOUS and then we go insane if we catch them with a cigarette.
     
  10. Bump for continuation of discussion.
     
  11. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    Ok, here's my .2: I have ADHD and dont think its bullshit, though I do know why a lot of people feel that way and I understand how the OP feels because I hate it as well.

    A little background: I've had ADHD since I was a kid - I was diagnosed in 2nd grade. My parents decided not to put me on meds working with me through the tough times. Had I "owned" the ADHD thing at the time, I wouldnt have been allowed in the advanced classes in Elementary and Middle School. They barely allowed me in them with my other Learning Disabilities...However, when I got to highschool I was almost failing (not in advanced classes anymore either) and was about to have to repeat a grade. I just couldnt keep it together anymore. Despite my parents reservations about the other affects it would have, they took me to a psychiatrist and I went on meds for the ADHD. They involved me in the decision and I wanted to do it too.

    So, when I was 16 I started Adderall. It completely turned my life around. At then end of my sophomore year of HS I had a 1.5 gpa, but I graduated with a 2.75. I think it was great that they waited to put me on meds because I was old enough to be involved in the process and also old enough to see the effects/results and tell the difference in how I was acting/working. For me it was like night and day. I could finially accomplish all I knew I could before but just didnt have the attention to do. It was amazing.

    How I feel about it: I've been on this shit for 10 years now and everyday I still hate it. I hate that I have to take meds to make me "normal" or get my shit done. I hate that I have to take a pill every damn day and if I dont, there are problems. Once out of college, I tapered off the meds and stayed off for about a year. It was terrible - got fired from a few jobs, couldnt keep my apartment together, etc.
    I finially gave in and went back on meds, but again, I still hate it and will continue to hate it. I am an amphetamine addict - I can take a few days off (usually on weekends or vacation) but after more than that I can feel the withdrawl and it sucks, hard. To be "normal" and productive I have had to become an addict. Thanks ADHD, really, this is great. I'm on the lowest dose I can deal with, but it still sucks.
    I've tried non-amphetamine stuff but it had side effects I REALLY hated (paranoia).
    That said, I know I need it and I'm still amazed at how well it helps me and very thankful of what its done for me.

    To the "haters": I know that some people feel I've got a leg up. A lot of people say "If I was on Adderall I could study all night too!!" or "I could ace the test if I got an extra hour!!" . The thing is I dont "study all night" on my meds - I do the same thing as everyone else. I dont take the extra time (which I got b/c of my LD, not the ADHD btw) to make my answers 100% - I barely finished as it was.

    Yes, I do beleive that there are many kids who's parents or teachers medicate them for "ADHD" just because its an easy out. I think its wildly over-diagnosed, which creates problems for people who actually do have it.

    I also think that parents/teachers need to take the time to work with 'difficult' kids to see whats up with them rather than simply relying on meds or "ADHD" or "ADD". I did great in Elementary/MiddleSchool because I was in relatively small classes and got a lot of support at home, but this wasnt enough as I got older.

    To the OP: It sucks, and there are some hard decisions and choices you're going to have to make. There are benefits and drawbacks to all of them (some of which I've talked about) but you'll really have to work with your doctor and decide whats best for you. I know how you feel, but really, when it comes down to it, you're not (nor am I) any less of a person for this. There are people who have to take pills everyday for gland problems, diabetes, etc just to get by, and this is no different. Hang in there, you can make it. If you're working on meds, keep taking them (regularly!! this is important), but you've also go to want to change and work towards it too - the meds wont do it by themselves. You sound like you really want to improve and I'm glad you're working on it - just keep on going.

    Sorry for the long post and good luck.
     
  12. Capicu

    Capicu New Member

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    i've been taking the meds every day now and going to therapy consistently every week and things are going a ot better for me.

    HOWEVER, the girl ended the relationship with me.

    we got into a redundant argument which she started getting nasty as hell with me. and while i kept my cool and tried to talk it out, she only got nastier and nastier and said some really hurtful shit to me. after that point i completely lost it. i pretty much cursed her out over the phone, and ended up destroying my phone out of anger after the end of the conversation.

    long story short, she said she didn't want to be with me anymore. she said "i love you but i don't want to work it out".

    this shit hurts like crazy and it's keeping me up at night. well, honestly i can't determine if it's the meds keeping me up or if its this. In the past (not on the meds) i haven't been able to sleep well if i don't speak to her. That's because it's just comforting to know she's okay. I don't know if thats a bad thing, if i got too attatched. I don't know.

    I poured my heart out to that girl and i really tried. I fucked some things up in the past and I got help for it and changed, and asked her to help me. Things were looking up within the relationship and then she turns the tables and gets nasty with me, as if to get back at me. When i've confronted her about it, she tells me shes not doing it on purpose.

    Which i take to be offensive because some of the things i've said and done are really not on purpose. I don't purposely try to hurt people.....

    i hate this fucking shit. Not only do i have all these personal issues to work on, which i have hope for, but then on top of that theres also alot of issues relationship-wise that emerge.

    And THAT makes me feel like i'll never be able to have a decent relationship.

    i've dated about 34 girls. 3 of them have been serious relationships


    out of the 3, the first one lasted 3 years. that was high school.
    this was sad because it was my best female friend. I was very insecure at the time and i got with her because she liked me. When i got to college i realized that girls do like me and i can get anything i want. and i ended up breaking up with her

    the second one lasted a year. that one was the crazy psycho "i'll kill you in your sleep" girl.

    the 3rd one was this last one. also lasted a year. everything was perfect. she was exactly the type of girl i want. personality, looks, everything.
    everything was perfect. and then things went sour the closer we got. and it was because of me. i would say some things that would come off innapropriate, or "catty" when i honestly thought they were funny. I've said some things that she has taken to be mean, when i don't say them to be mean. In turn, when she's gotten mad at me for these things, i've gotten more mad and thrown a fit. Which looking back makes me look crazy. It wasn't anything violent or throwing, but i did get loud and start cursing.

    I went to therapy for that shit (i've been seeing the therapist on and off through the past 2 years, i haven't been able to keep it consistent for more than a month or so) and i've been able to deal with some things. I watch what i say around her and i always make sure to immediately apologize if i said feel like i said something wrong.

    according to her, it's too much, i'm never going to change, and she doesn't want to be with me anymore. she doesn't want to be there and support me, she doesn't want to work it out. Yet, she says she does love me, and all this shit.

    She was acting very fucked up towards me recently. I was going out of my way for her, trying to show her that although i had gotten nasty, i am sorry and i did change. And all i got in return was her saying and doing some fucked up shit. And she would always say, i'm sorry i'm not doing it on purpose, i'm really not. i just can't get over what you have done.

    i don't even know what to think about that.

    this is something i am worried about but it's not on my priorities list.

    I am focusing on school, work, my family and myself. But this is still something lingering.

    I feel like I had the perfect girl for me and i ended up fucking up. The way i got with her was the same way i got with the other 2 relationships.

    The first one didn't deserve it and i feel like shit for it, but she put up with it. I made her cry so much over stupid shit. And i feel horrible for it.

    The 2nd one i feel she did deserve it. Flat out she was just a bitch, a crazy one too. I'm not the only one who feels this way, her ex bf's and her entire family agrees. They all told me to leave while I can. But even so i feel horrible for the way i was.

    Why is it that I keep fucking that up? It's like i'm not cut out to have a GOOD relationship, and i really hate that shit. I love this girl like theres no tomorrow, and deep down inside i do wish she would come back. Although if she did, after the way she was with me, i don't think i could trust her.

    It was a whole year of her being nice, and then at the end of it all, she pulls the shit i did, only 1000x worse and 1000x nastier. And every word that has come out of her mouth makes it seem to me like she does it out of spite. After talking to her about things, she would apologize but also say "now you know what it feels like"

    .........

    i'm feeling such a mess of emotions right now. this sucks.
     
  13. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    Maybe YOUR diagnosis was bullshit but ADD/ADHD is not bullshit.
     
  14. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    that's where your focus should be. keep fixing YOU, then you can have a relationship with someone who respects you. She may have said she loves you but if she's not willing to work on on your relationship then I'd question whether she meant it.
     
  15. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    Pen--No, they don't test for chemical imbalances. They don't test for imbalances when diagnosing depression either, or anything else really. Psychology/psychiatry is not a science. They can be, but they're not, but do you really want to pay $1500/hr for sessions?

    The studies done have shown that the ADD brain has a chemical imbalance. The medications are used to treat these imbalances. Diagnosing entails matching up symptoms. It's obviously not going to be 100% accurate and the main problem with that is that the doctors aren't thorough enough with their questions for diagnosis. Using the TS example of being lazy, an ADHD person is not lazy but is instead tries their hardest to be on time and yet is incapable of doing so. A real lazy person doesn't even give a shit. Yet a typical doctor will only ask you "are you often late to appointments?"

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/...nel.Pubmed_DefaultReportPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum

    I do feel that ADHD is overdiagnosed. Even so, in college there was maybe 8 kids total in a class of 15,000 who required 1.5x time for tests. Because most teachers weren't even familiar with the concept, they often refused to allow ADD kids extra time. Sometimes the students would have to take their tests in a different building which prevents them from asking the teachers any questions or getting any last minute instructions/adjustments. Personally I would not want to be looked at as the person who requires more time. It also takes more time and paperwork every single time in order to get that extra time. Plus it's a huge administrative hassle so no one wants to even deal with you. Running in circles all over campus is not fun. It's not even worth it.

    In regards to medication, ADD's symptoms are often a byproduct of a separate disorder. Take bipolar disorder for example. They exhibit symptoms of ADD but the causes may be more bioplar related than simply just a dopamine imbalance. rather it is a precursor or control of dopamine levels. So ADD medication may not work as well or a tolerance is built up quickly.
     
  16. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

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    :gtfo: die cocksucker.
     
  17. EYOB

    EYOB Guest

    As I'm reading this, I'm thinking to myself: This mother fucker is trying to make a parody of my life. :madfawk:

    But I get the feeling he is being genuine. It's a very bad thing that I say this, but I'm actually glad I read this in knowing there is someone else that feels exactly like me. :wtc:

    :hugot:
     
  18. arfanrauf

    arfanrauf New Member

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    Wow, dude, ADD/ADHD is not bullshit.

    Next you'll be saying Cancer is bullshit
     
  19. jDMJeRk

    jDMJeRk Turbocharging Specialist

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    Welcome to my world... I just fight and continue not to take the prescribed drugs

    Every pat of your story is my everyday life down to the T. no joke.
     

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