LGBT I have a question.. why do some people stay in the closet?

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by krott5333, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. krott5333

    krott5333 Guest

    I mean, you have to tell everyone eventually, right?

    Why not do it as soon as you realize you're gay?

    What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for the "right moment"??

    do you want people to just figure it out on their own?


    :hsughno:
     
  2. accelerator

    accelerator New Member

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    Well, there could be a lot of reasons for choosing to stay in the closet. Two that I can think of are:

    1. In some instances, you could be living in a country where homosexual behaviour/acts are illegal and officially punishable by death (this is the situation I find myself in). "Coming out" would simply be out of the question in this case (if you want to avoid going to jail or being sent off to the shrink or losing your job or being kicked out of school/college or being deported or worse yet, being executed).

    Things are changing, however. I came out to two close friends of mine this year (both of whom are girls....I guess it's easier to come out to girls/women than it is to some bloke...weird, but true). If they ever decide to reveal my "secret" (which they won't, cuz I trust 'em), then I could get into ALOT of trouble.

    2. You could be afraid of societal repercussions: Your family, friends, and society in general might rid themselves of you - leaving you completely alone. It is only natural to be afraid of such a scenario. In some cultures and societies, this outcasting of the homosexual individual can be far more intense than say in Western societies.

    Of'course, if you have a lot of money and power, then no one's going to say anything. They don't care about who you sleep with so long as they get their hands on some of those green bills. :)
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2006
  3. XPX

    XPX New Member

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    #2 for me, I'm not financially ready to confront what it could be a potential disaster, I live and work around very homophobic people and me coming out would take away 2 of the 3 things I love the most: Work and Family. So until I get that situation changed I'm better in the closet. :hs: It's painful as I'm a very lonely person (I love my friends but friends can't fulfill sexual needs) but in the other hand I get to keep my job and my family....
     
  4. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    Everything said above is correct.

    Your family's ideals and values are important to most of us. If you grew up in a house of Bible Thumpers, you'd be less likely to come out than if you lived with extreme liberals. Disappointing family could very well mean disassociation. When you are financially dependant upon them, you really are subservient to their ideals.

    Then you have bisexuals. Some bisexuals feel that it is 'easier' to 'not bother' others with the knowledge of their bisexuality until they 'settle down' with someone. Until then, some rationalize, why even bring the issue up?

    Legality. Although an American , I am currently in Ghana on business and it's looking more and more like I will be here for some time. In Ghana, homosexuality is a crime, punishable by a minimum of two years imprisonment. My government officials 'warned' me about 'certain practices' that although legal and common in the US, are prohibited in Ghana. I was 'strongly advised' against 'harboring images depicting criminal acts' (gay mags, porn, seasons of popular television series (I ignored this advice)).

    Personal VS Public. There are some fags who believe that sexuality is a very personal issue. They feel that it is no one's business but their own who they are sexually and emotionally attracted to. They feel that this information is so very sensitive that sharing it is the epitome of shared intimacy on a higher level.

    Internalized homophobia. Culturally stigmatized, some people internalize all of the hate that they feel society projects toward them. Statistically prevalent in the black male community, the disconnect between stereotypes can cause emotional confusion, physical sickness (with emotional roots), and creation of new subgroups (read: DL).

    Religion. A theological debate that will never end, because on both sides of the argument, to accept a stance equates to accepting other associated beliefs that the arguments are bult on. And without first accepting those foundations, the arguments cannot stand. These foundations include Nature VS Nurture/Born VS Choice, interpretations of the Bible, beliefs on the Torah/ Mitzvot, etc... So, some just struggle with this all of their lives.
     
  5. Moonwalker

    Moonwalker fagulous

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    because they are scared they will lose their friends and family.
     
  6. coma

    coma New Member

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    Because it's nobody's business but my own...just like a straight persons sex life is not my business.
     
  7. Carrots

    Carrots New Member

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    I'm single and not looking for anyone, and though I live in quite a liberal area, I have a few very religious and/or socially conservative friends that I think I would upset. Why bother?
     
  8. Virality

    Virality New Member

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    Because it isn't worth it. Atleast for me, the people I've tried telling were either religious, or didn't believe me(or a combination of the two). So, if people aren't gonna believe me, why try?
     
  9. HisXLNC

    HisXLNC ๑۩۞۩๑ Hot ๑۩۞۩๑

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    Staying in keeps life uncomplicated. It's that simple.
     
  10. krott5333

    krott5333 Guest

    but doesnt it relieve some stress, and feel less burdensome when you come out?

    If I way gay, I dont think I'd be able to stay in long.. the longer I put things off, the harder it is.. :dunno:
     
  11. ExDelayed

    ExDelayed New Member

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    It did relieve some stress for me but it can also create some as well. I work around guys that I really dont want to be outed to. Not mainly because I would care, or that I fear bodily harm (though it could be a possibility) but because I dont want to be know as that faggot that works across the field like two other guys are.

    I've been out at work before and most of my friends and family know, but there are some times its better just to blend in.
     
  12. krott5333

    krott5333 Guest

    what if you hanging around some guy at work, and he says something like "damn, check out that hot blonde girl"

    do you say "oh, im gay"

    or do you just play along?

    hows that work? :embd:
     
  13. RyRy

    RyRy Active Member

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    u just play along duh
     
  14. accelerator

    accelerator New Member

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    If you've chosen to stay in the closet up until that point, then you're most likely gonna play along.

    That would not be the best way to come out. :hs:
     
  15. ExDelayed

    ExDelayed New Member

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    Play along. After being in the closet, its not hard to swap the sex of the person you are talking about, or to play along.
     
  16. HisXLNC

    HisXLNC ๑۩۞۩๑ Hot ๑۩۞۩๑

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    It's all about cost/benefit. If the cost is higher than the benefit, people stay in.
     
  17. MapleLeaf

    MapleLeaf New Member

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    I can't be in the closet - it is living a lie.
     
  18. XPX

    XPX New Member

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    I play along and then feel guilty because someday I'll have to explain the opposite and they would be like :wtf:
     
  19. RyRy

    RyRy Active Member

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    I like it in the closet of my apartment! It's cold, dark and well I could nap there if it was a bit bigger! :run:
     
  20. XPX

    XPX New Member

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    you like dark humid alleys don't you? :noes:
     
  21. RyRy

    RyRy Active Member

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    humidity - negative
    dark allyes - hell no


    So in short, no. :rofl:
     
  22. MapleLeaf

    MapleLeaf New Member

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    So I am reading all the reasons people are giving here and with only 1 or 2 exceptions, they are all bullshit (pardon my french).

    Before I let loose with my tirade, in my mind there are really only 2 reasons one should stay in the closet. They are:

    1) You are not emancipated. Namely you rely on someone else for your financial well-being, living space etc., and if you came out to that person you would find yourself homeless. This mainly applies to those in high-school.

    2) Your life would be in danger. Sadly in today's society there are places in the world where if you come out you will be imprisoned, or worse killed. At this point I can agree with someone's decision to remain closeted, but I can't say as I agree with their decision if they choose to do that for the rest of their life and do nothing to help themselves live a proud life.

    Now my tirade. Apart from the 2 reasons above, remaining in the closet is a chickenshit, coward's way of dealing with life.

    Sorry coma this isn't about sex, this is about sexuality. I don't give a rat's ass who you fuck or blow, but I do care when you pretend to be something that you are not.

    If every gay person took that attitude we would all be in the closet today. Your coming out of the closet IS my business. If you don't then how will companies know we are a market to be served, I demand same-sex health benefits for my partner, I demand the right to marry the man I love, I demand the ability to walk into a hospital room and get an update on my partner's medical condition - none of those things would have happened if we all took the opinion it is nobody's business but our own. In each of these cases other people are affected, so it is someone else's business.

    Actually stayin the closet does the exact opposite. It is complicated because people will try and set you up with opposite gender persons on dates, you will not be able to take the one you love to a family gathering, wedding, funeral etc., because you don't complicate things...

    Living a life that is based on lies complicates more than you can ever imagine.

    Why did you have to stop blending just because you came out of the closet? I am 100% gay and 100% out of the closet, I still blend in. In my consulting practice I used to meet with VP's, CEO's etc., of fortune 500 companies in their office; in my suits and ties I blended in. At one point I was a patron of the arts and went to many black tie functions, I blended in... so did my partner in his tux. We never had sex in front of these people or talked about our sexual practices, but that is not something any of my friends do... we just lived our life and were part of society.

    Now I am a bit older than many of you on here and have lived through the period where it was much easier to stay in the closet. I know I did it until my late 20's (well I was out a bit in my teens but went back in for all the wrong reasons). Over the years I have seen so many changes in society that make me proud of who I am.

    Once I have been fired from a job for being gay (although the official reason was if you are gay you can't be Christian :rolleyes: ), and another time I had a contract terminated by a company because I complained of sexual harassment from someone else in the company. He was a full time employee, I was not, so my contract was terminated (yes this was male-male sexual harassment).

    I choose not to remember those things, but choose to remember how I was the first person in a company of 7,000 employees to ask for same-sex benefits for my partner. While initially caught off guard, a quick meeting with the COO as to why I believed they were fair (this was before they were legally required in Canada), had her say "You are right, it does make sense". 24 hours later she called me to tell me the policy was being amended to include same-sex partners but it wouldn't take effect for 30 days BUT if they were needed at anytime in the interim, the company would pay out of pocket for any expenses incurred. At this time I had been on the job 2 weeks, I would have rather lost my job than disrespect either myself or my partner.

    Coming out has cost me for sure. I no longer have a relationship with my mother... but that is ok, she always was a bit on the looney side, and I have a brother and 3 nephews I don't know. BUT I have a great relationship with my sister and I have more true friends now than most people have in their entire life.

    So to those who say it is easier, it is no-one's business etc., BULLSHIT!!!

    Not only are you hurting yourself but you are also hurting all those around you by living a lie, and those around you who just may need you to be the role model they need to come out themselves.

    If you are in the closet and either of the reasons above don't apply to you, try this. Whenever you look in the mirror tell yourself out loud you are looking at a liar. Nope that isn't me, that is a liar. The real me is a gay/lesbian... Put a post-it note on your mirror if you like. Even if you can't do that, know that you are lying to the most important person in the world - yourself.

    Now come join me out of the closet. Why I might even buy you a cup of coffee in this new camp coffee shop I know.

    Blessings,
    MapleLeaf
    (out and proud)
     
  23. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    I went on a date with a guy last night who isn't out to his family yet.

    They are very religious and he was telling me a story about how his younger brother had a child out of wedlock and he's basically been outcast from the family.

    So, I guess I can understand why he would be apprehensive about telling his parents that he's gay. It's difficult to know that you're going to lose your relationship with you parents when they find out who you really are... or I should say "once you confirm what they have been suspecting about you." I mean, they must know... He's 33, single, works as a GAP manager and has great fashion sense. All signs point to gay.

    (The date went great though... he was so cute and the converstation was great and he was funny... I'm just not sure it'll work out becuase I'm not going back in the closet for anyone... time will tell)
     
  24. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    exactly. and with a lot of my friends theyve been playing along and being 'straight' for so long that coming out is a lot harder to do. they've been living a lie for so long, that it just becomes who they are. :hs:
     
  25. Josey

    Josey New Member

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    ya know, I skimmed through this thread and :iorun:
     

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