I have a problem sharing my feelings and talking about myself, but I think I may have gotten to the point where I need to do it. I've written alot of Asylum threads only to erase them and never submit them but I think im ready to post now. A little about me, Im a young growing 16 year old. I live with my mom, brother,sister and step father. I have a problem but no idea what it is. I keep everything to myself, from what makes me angry, sad, and even happy. Im told that it is bad, people tell me I must be heartless never showing emotion but I feel like this is me. I am alone, always have been alone and I think I will always be alone. I try to be as independent as possible buying and trying to do as much for myself as I can. I pay for all my car related things including the car. I pay for what I eat and I pay for what I use. I feel like my age holds me back and makes me vulernable. I have to live with my mom, I can't even make a bank account without her and I hate the fact that I have to rely on her for things. Im used to being alone, noone to really help and "lean" on. Im prepared to be alone but Im begining to lose control of all my problems. Its like my mind is overflowing, like im holding in too much and am begining to lose control. I know this is a test, to see how strong I am, if i can handel it. I have little problems, things everyone should be able to deal with. Things like, girls, friends, life and such. And i have my bigger problems I have to learn to deal with, my obsession with death and my lonliness. Im not suicidal but Ive lost motivation to live, i feel like it wouldnt matter if someone came up to me while i was playing basketball and shot me. I have no motivation to live. I want to get good grades, get money, have a nice car and be succesfull, but inside i know even with all this I will still be alone. If this is how its gonna be I will not give up but rather deal with it. I think im too the point where noone can help me, I have too many problems and am the only person capable of understanding and handeling them. People tell me im extremly mature and understand alot of things, im told I can see through things and understand them. That im street smart and book smart, but inside EVERYTHING confuses me. I feel that trying to talk to other people will show that im weak. I feel alone, I want to have someone. A friend, a girlfriend, a mom or somthing. But this is how im meant to be im suppose to be alone so i have to man up and deal with it. Ive gotten to the point where alone is beggining to become fine, Im not a loner and emotional kid on the outside. I have fun, go out but I feel like im alone even when im out with a group of people. Its a test though, my problems are small and little in numbers compared to some older people. Im angry that im having trouble dealing with them but I know its all a test and I will try my best to ace it. There are people with bigger problems and more problems so i should easily be able to handel my own alone. It is easy for me to help others and I do it alot. Now I need to focus on helping myself a bit more. Ive begun to get used to this, work, school, keeping myself active, sleep. I could write a book trying to explain how I feel but ill stop myself now, Im not sure what im expecting to read as replies, no replies would feel just as good, just letting it out through text is good enough. Usually I write post longer than this but never post the thread but I realized it wouldnt hurt to let it out. It may make me feel good and give me even just a little relief. Im doing this anonamously because posting it with a identity online makes me feel just as weak as it would to tell someone in person. thanks for reading ot. CLIFFS: I feel alone, I am alone, I will deal with it.