I've spent all year trying to pass this god damn vector calculus class so that I can finally get into my upper division courses. The final is tomorrow, and I can hardly begin any of the problems on my review sheet. I'm so sick of this bullshit. I dont even want to be a "computer scientist" anymore. I would hate to spend my life in a fucking office. I dont fit in with any of my classmates, nor any of the people I currently work with. I'm a programmer for the university's computer labs developing programs we use to monitor and control the labs. As a computer science student, you really couldn't ask for a better job to have in college because its one of the only programming jobs on campus. It will look GREAT on my resume. But like I said, I dont fit in with them. I'm not a nerd. I dont like Star Wars that much (the movies were cool...but come on!). I dont think geek jokes are funny. I mean I can get along with these people, but spending my career with them is entirely different. The problem is I dont care anymore. I dont want that life. I think I'm smart enough to get through anything like this, but I just dont have the drive. I spent a lot of my highschool years training myself to be able to develop computer games, because I loved them so much back then. But since then, I've grown up a bit and it doesn't intrigue me like it used to. You cant understand what I used to go through with my dad to learn as much as I did on my own about computers. He hates them, and there were times where I had to physically defend my computer from him smashing it with a hammer (he was a carpenter for 30 years). Over the past year and a half I've been in a band. Its part of the reason my grades are suffering, but its just so much more fulfilling than anything i've done before. I used to love getting a program to work, but its nothing like jamming. I think I could make a living doing that, though there's not as much money as a programmer, but it would be worth it. I already know how to program. if I need a computer job for money, I could get one. Sure I'd start out pretty low because I dont have a degree...but I think my abilities would advance me soon enough. I want to drop out, let go of everything, and start my life. I want to travel around and be free. I'm tired of tests. I'm tired of homework. I'm tired of solving meaningless problems. I'm tired of teaching myself something i dont want to learn because my professor cant speak english. Searching through this fucking math book for an explanation that it doesn't have. I'm sick of spending thousands of dollars for all of this. Im just a little nervous about cutting all my work off and starting over.