SRS I hate relationship threads, but

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by grind83, Jul 7, 2006.

  1. grind83

    grind83 New Member

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    I am dealing with some rough shit. I have never asked anyone for advice in this kind of situation because I have always felt like I knew the best thing to do and did it everytuime. This time...I am clueless.

    In short, I have been dating this girl I met in class in January. We hit it off fast, fell for eachother in a matter of weeks. We spend a lot of time (possibly too much) together and get along perfectly 99% of the time. Its the other 1% that is fucking awful.

    Honestly, she's damn near perfect to me. She's trustworthy, smart, ambitious, fun, and very attractive. She has been faithful and loyal, very caring, and has gone out of her way to make me feel better when things have gone bad. The problem is, I made some mistakes along the way that I did not intentionally make.

    It had been a while since I dated anyone, and my last relationship was about as immature as they get. I wasnt too sure how to handle certain things, and in this new relationship, emotions got the best of me. I got too upset about some things that werent that big of a deal, I called her some things I didnt mean, and I constantly gave her a hard time about some things that bothered me, but didnt deserve the kind of treatment I gave.

    She did things along the way as well, but none that I carry with me or would even care to write about...no big deal. Now, she is so bitter about some of those things - that I have apologized for many many times and have fixed or stopped doing - and acts sour with me a large portion of the time. We stay together because I know deep down I love her, and she knows deep down we are good for eachother, but its not working to make either of us happy.

    I am stuck. I can't be myself and be the guy she fell for because I'm intensely worried about the relationship. She says she won't let go of those things and start over because she doesnt trust that they wont happen again. I promise her they wont, and that does no good.

    My question is, can this be fixed, or is it sunk. We were so in love, and now it just seems fake. We still have so much fun together and hold eachother and kiss eachother and although the sex is much more rare, its great when it happens.

    I know it sounds like the typical bullshit that people go through in relationships, but I honestly think this is different. Neither of us cheated, neither of us did anything outright horrible to eachother, and neither of us really want to break up completely. I am just tired of having a gf that holds so much against me that I have apologized for and have promised to fix.

    Long, I know, and if anyone reads this, I'll be amazed. I would like to hear some thoughts though...I am out of ideas.
     
  2. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    better fit here....... good luck
     
  3. 06PWXB

    06PWXB New Member

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    Well, if she's so willing to act like this toward you b/c of things that to me seem small (although not knowing what they are kinda hurts our insight) then she's not the one. She seems as if she's very willing to break it off b/c of those things. If she really loved you then she'd try to forgive you for them and give you another chance. I've done some really shitty things to my g/f and she took me back twice. So that's showing how much she really loves me right there. I know now that if I mess up again then I'm gone. But your girl just seems so willing to give up w/o trying to make it work. That's not right.
     
  4. grind83

    grind83 New Member

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    Sorry, I actualy looked for a better fit...didnt see this. Thanks though
     
  5. grind83

    grind83 New Member

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    Well, I wouldnt say she's completely not trying. We are still together, and even when I was doing things that hurt her, she stayed with me and helped me get through it. The things I'm talking about are like:

    Being too overprotective, not to the point of forcing anything upon her, just saying things that hurt.

    Getting mad when things didn't go my way.

    Getting really upset when she would cancel plans with me.

    Just being on edge too much and making her feel nervous.


    I am honestly not sure if she loves me anymore, I just feel like she owes me the chance to find out. And she cant find out if shes constantly negative. I tried to break it off with her 2 months into it and she BEGGED me to give her another chance and to not leave her alone.
     
  6. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Dude, that sounds really similiar to my problem. I wish I had advice to give you, but I have no idea; that's why I'm posting here, too.

    Good luck.
     
  7. Jester

    Jester OT Supporter

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    Don't take what I say as absolute, but I'm pretty good with people and the motivations behind their actions. More specifically, look at what actually happens and analyze that, without regard to what you think motivates them. It's easier for people who aren't involved, of course.

    Here's my take, having read both posts: She is deflecting some of her guilt onto you. When you apologize for your reactions to her actions, it makes her actions more acceptable. Examples:

    She might know she was flirting with someone, but she liked it, so she accuses you of being overprotective. By accepting this label, it is now ok for her to flirt, and it will forever be you "being overprotective again" if you choose to speak up. See where this might lead?

    Hmm. Without knowing specifics, it sounds like she wants to get (and is good at getting) her way.

    This is pretty convenient for her, as it sets precedent and allows her to cancel more plans in the future. And if you tell her it is unacceptable? You are screwed because you already took responsibility for the conflict.


    So now it's your fault that she feels nervous? Jesus, did you ever notice that your "flaws" are a more than a little bit empowering to her? Every one of your "flaws" that you repress basically gives her the freedom to walk all over you. And it makes you think that it's your fault.

    I'm not saying she's a conniving supervillain when it comes to emotions; I'm just saying that one subsconcious thought leads to a conscious act, and they end up snowballing.

    Maybe you should ask yourself if you really love her anymore, instead. Don't answer that with the usual trigger answer; honestly think about her qualities and how she makes you feel, and ask yourself: Is this really what I am looking for?
     
  8. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    ^ good advice.
     
  9. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    What you did was layer your love with all kinds of conditions. You perfectly showed that you didn't have a life of your own out of pure fear of losing her would mean the end of the world for you. You've projected all these insecurities over to her, and basically you have to GROW up in the way how you handle relationships.

    The thing is this, she is with you because she loves you. If you start pouring acid and poison in the relationship by starting arguments, i can assure you that they will lead to a BIG break up. You need to 'allow' this woman to love you, and if she ever leaves you, fine that's her choice to make. However its the way you stepped into this relationship thats wrong, you shouldn't have start making accusations of any sorts, you know she was probably so beautifull that you where too stunned and acted immature once again.

    I'll just give you the advice of luciano pavarotti, don't try to understand a woman, just love her.

    Cherish the love that you have with her, blow a new wind of caring for her into your life. And work hard on your relationship to make things work out.
     
  10. Jester

    Jester OT Supporter

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    This is good advice. :cool:

    It would be the "glass is half full" version, where I am more of a "glass is half empty" kind of person when it comes to this sort of thing. :o

    I think that the most important thing is the text I highlighted in bold; you essentially sold yourself out to date her, and it's a difficult situation to remedy. If you decide to work to keep the relationship, you need to use caring and understanding as darketernal suggests, but do it in a way where you respect both your needs and hers without trying to "impose your will" on how the situation should pan out.
     

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