I has insecurities v.another long Falconer post

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Falconer, May 14, 2008.

  1. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    (JJJ and beer, this is the thread I alluded to starting in the breast-only orgasms thread)

    This is the third time I've rewritten this. I hope it makes sense this time.

    My gf is very attractive, and she knows she is. She's not an attention whore and she doesn't act or dress like a slut, but she's very aware of the fact that she's attractive.

    My gf also thinks I'm very hot physically. She tells me constantly. We'll be having sex and she'll be like "god you're so hot, I love watching you fuck me." I'll take off my shirt to get in the shower or something and she'll be like "damn baby, you have such a sexy body. You should go shirtless all the time." etc. We'll be sitting on her couch watching TV and I'll catch her staring at me and she'll be like "what! you're hot! I like looking at you!" You get the idea.

    My insecurities stem from this: I do not think I'm that attractive physically on an objective scale. Therefore I often feel outclassed physically when I'm with my gf. This makes me insecure. I'm also insecure because she knows she's hot and objectively I think she should be with someone who is equally as hot and who shares her confidence about their physical appearance.

    Combine that thought with my gf telling me I'm attractive all the time and you get massive intellectual clashing in my head.

    Don't get me wrong. I'm not ugly. But I'm not "hot."

    I have body dysmorphic disorder. Here is a short list of thoughts that consume me about my appearance, all of which I think are extremely unattractive traits:

    - My skin is too pale and doesn't tan well. I've seen redheads with darker skin than me.
    - My hairline has receded quite a bit (think Nicolas Cage) and I'm 27.
    - My head is too big in general and if I shave it I'll look like a giant thumb.
    - My hair is thin in diameter and when it's cut too short I look like a 12 year old boy
    - My torso has way too many moles on it (altho I'm looking in to getting them removed)
    - I'm too skinny. I eat a lot (5,000 calories a day) and lift weights. You've seen my pics. But if I'm wearing clothes I don't even look like I've seen the inside of a gym. My legs and arms are too skinny (altho I will admit my chest, back, shoulders, waist, and abs are good). It takes a massive effort on my part to go out in public wearing short sleeves because I think my arms are too skinny (long sleeve shirts are fine tho because my shoulders, chest, and back look good and you can't see my skinny arms).
    - I am extremely intolerant to heat and sweat excessively. Combine this with my fast metabolism and high calorie diet and I really can't go outside in the summer without soaking whatever shirt I'm wearing in a matter of minutes.

    Understand that these are INGRAINED in my head as being absolute fact just like an anorexic chick really and truly believes that she is fat. Most of those stem from things I used to get made fun of for as a child. This solidifies that they are true and correct in my head, because other people would not be able to use them as bait for insults if they did not exist (ie. no one makes fun of the Italian kid with nice skin for being too pale).

    Anyway, I've mentioned most of them to my gf and she's like "whatever. You're nuts." Or "whatever baby, you worry too much."

    These things worry me regarding my relationship because I think my gf has the "love goggles" on (read: the love chemicals in your brain that cause you to overlook a mate's flaws) and I'm worried one day she'll wake up and realize I'm not as physically attractive as she thought I was.

    It makes me feel a little better knowing that she said she thought I was hot long before we ever started talking/dating.

    Now, I'm absolutely sure and have no insecurities whatsoever about the other reasons she's attracted to me. I know I'm brilliant. I know I'm fantastic with money. I know I'm awesome. I know I'm stable financially and emotionally, etc. She often mentions those other qualities about me that she likes and I'll make some C&F remark about it because I know they're true.

    I know they're true because I can objectively compare myself to others in those regards. I can prove I'm better with money than other people. I can prove I'm smarter than other people. etc. Because of this, I am supremely confident in all of these areas.

    While physical attractiveness is subjective, I can infer objectively how my looks compare to other people's by judging people's (mostly girls') reactions to me compared to other men's who I think are good looking and compared to other men's who I think are not good looking. I cannot be supremely confident in my appearance when I do not actually believe I'm that good-looking.

    Anyway, I know insecurity is a turn-off for women, so I'm actually starting to get worried that this whole thing might eventually lead to bad stuff in my relationship. And I also don't like that I'm heat intolerant because all girls (my gf included) love to be outdoors in the summer, and I don't. I hate feeling hot and sweaty, and I hate looking all nasty and sweaty and unable to lift my arms because I have CD-sized puddles in my armpits. btw, prescription antiperspirant doesn't work well. So I lose points here by wanting to stay inside in the A/C and be "boring" (read: comfortable and dry).

    This is getting too long.

    How do I get over this?

    If I'm with a hot girl I need to know that I'm attractive. I wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship where I'm not good-looking but I have 100 other qualities that attract hot women. I think because I'm a guy and therefore rank physical attractiveness at the top, I feel that that's something I have to rank close to or evenly with compared to a gf.




    And honestly, my gf seems to know about all of these flaws that I have, and she doesn't seem to mind much (yet). And I think that's awesome. But I can't logically understand why she would stay with me when she could easily attract someone hotter. That gives me much intellectual turmoil. If I go to a beach and take my shirt off, how could she see me standing next to some other guy with the same or a better physique but who has better skin color and isn't covered with moles, and still be attracted to me???

    I accept the possibility that my gf is nuts and really does think I'm more attractive than every other guy. Sometimes I just pretend this is actually the case :rofl:


    And strangely enough, while all my GFs have been very attractive and I've always felt outclassed physically by them, I've never really had too many insecurities about this before this current relationship. Probably because my previous GFs weren't aware that they were super hot. I've even said to my current gf before "you seriously have the highest self-esteem of any hot girl I've ever met."


    And btw my gf has no idea I'm this insecure :mamoru:
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Man I could never date you. You are honestly ridiculously superficial if anything and way too in your head-I would go insane. (I mean all this in a good way :mamoru:)

    I don't have to read all of that to know the point is you need to work on your self-esteem. You've got a beautiful woman doing everything she can to tell you she finds you extremely attractive. I'd think you'd be smart enough to know she's not just blowing smoke up her ass and she means it, so why not just take it at face value, STFU and think "yeah! she's right! I am hot." It takes a lot of positive mental reinforcement. It's kind of like the positivity challenge. Every time you catch yourself judging yourself physicaly, stop and immediately think of an attribute you have that you really love.

    You take great pride in your appearance yet you are far too critical of it. It's interesting that you always have always gone after having that perfect 10 girl...yet you make it sound as if having her intimidates you too much. Almost like you'd be better off with a 7 to make you feel better about yourself, but that is just wrong.

    Pretty much every girl on here will tell you the most important thing in a man is confidence; I know I feel that way :dunno:
     
  3. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I have total confidence in everything except my physical appearance.
     
  4. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    yep!

    so if you have confidence about yourself in other areas, just use that for now

    i personally never felt hot or sexy before i was with my current SO. i mean, i knew i wasnt horrible looking, but i was not super confident like some girls can be. he constantly tells me how hot i look, even in situations when im not feeling hot at all (just stuffed myself with half a pizza and feel bloated, he tells me i look fucking hot). it took a while, but i decided to start believing him and just allow myself to look in the mirror and say "i look fucking hot today" the more i tell myself it, the more i start to feel it

    like beer said, she wouldnt be with you and she wouldnt say she liked looking at you if she didnt. how long have you been with her? arnt you past that 3 month honeymoon phase where you can be sure she is with you cause she likes YOU and ALL of you?
     
  5. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    if u had taken the time to learn how to pick up women who were supposedly 'out of reach' for you, you would have already shattered this insecurity. wouldn't you have?
     
  6. Dio Seijuro

    Dio Seijuro New Member

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    It sounds like there's nothing your GF(s) can ever say to make you feel physically attractive because you are already set on the idea that you are not.

    So I'd say either do something to make yourself feel physically confident or stop focusing on this "shortcoming".

    Or, hey I know. If people can't convince you to believe that women value a lot of things other than physical attractiveness, you can stop dating girls that are so attractive you feel undermatched. Can you do that?
     
  7. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    its not an issue of being able to attract hot women. its an issue of me not feeling as attractive physically as the women i date.
     
  8. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    if physical appearance is outweighed by other variables when attracting women, doesn't that reduce its merit as an insecurity to something like that of, oh, i dunno, being insecure because your ear wax doesn't have as nice a color?

    If you show to yourself that

    Falconer's game: 99%
    Falconer's looks: 1%

    Then presumably that would make this point moot. What's the deal?
     
  9. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    Who cares if you are as good looking as the girl you are dating? You're already dating her!

    I don't believe that someone can be confident in everything about themselves except for their physical appearance. I think people who are truly confident are confident in themselves as a whole, which includes appearance.

    Sure, a fat guy can be confident and still realize he is fat, but I have the feeling he wouldn't think it could be a deal breaker like you do.

    He would realize that his woman likes him, and he wouldn't even worry about anything else.

    People are worried about physical appearances because they are worried that other people will think less of them or judge them harshly. People who are "supremely" confident do not base their self-esteem on what other's think, so they wouldn't care.
     
  10. fray

    fray New Member

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    Because what JJJ said holds some truth (game/personality goes a long way), I don't think your "objective" method of ranking your looks is valid. Add on to that your obvious bias and it becomes even less valid.

    Even if you don't believe that game has much to do with it, then look at the fact that you have had hot girlfriends. Obviously they've found you attractive or they wouldn't have dated you.

    I don't think it ultimately matters what you think about your looks. It matters what she thinks about your looks, and she seems to be pleased... maybe all those things you think aren't perfect are exactly what she's looking for.
     
  11. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    For the record, I'm not saying you're not a confident guy. You obviously have confidence and you have the girlfriend to prove it.

    However, I am just skeptical when people say that they are "totally" confident or "100% confident."
     
  12. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    Do you care this much about appearance in your everyday life? Such as how nice your house looks, what kind of car you drive, how tidy up the inside of your computer tower is, etc?

    I have some of the same problems as you...skinny arms, big head, hairline, scars, but they don't really bother me. I know I'm strong, I actually used to be made fun of for having a small head, the hair loss is a tradeoff for my excellent education, and the battle scars are unique. :dunno:
     
  13. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    Post pics of the both of you.
     
  14. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    no... he said he was supremely confident in those areas.

    I'm sure all of us here have something we're supremely confident about.
     
  15. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I've seen him a million times, I'm dying to see these 10's he dates though.
     
  16. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I'll read all of this later, for now

    1. My roommate has REALLY REALLY AWFUL bdd, so I kind of get it
    2. Her knowing she's hot doesn't mean she WANTS to be with someone with that same confidence, stepping on toes and all
     
  17. 2angelmd

    2angelmd New Member

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    You're a man, you're not supposed to be as "attractive physically" as the women you date. Duh.

    Go see a shrink.
     
  18. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    I'm white and I burn extremely easy. My body will not tan until it's been burnt. I'm not pale but I cannot tan until I've been burned. Even with short exposure to the sun, or with sunblock.. I won't tan easily.

    My hairline is receeding and I'm 20. I have Crohn's disease which left me on a 40mg regiment of Prednisone (steroid) for a year and a half. I had extremely nice hair before and now it's thin, frail, wirey, and receeding.

    I have an enormous head. If I wear a hat I feel my face looks really fat but few of my friends tell me I look good in them, so I've been trying it out. The more I try it the more I like it.

    I have a hairy stomach and chest which I'm self conscious about since the girl I'm talking with has some animosity for body hair. Not to mention my legs and arms are really hairy too. I have acne on my back from the Prednisone.

    I've been going to a gym semi regularly for three months and I've made very very small gains weight wise, but it's not even noticeable on my body. My best friend only weighs 5 pounds less than me and he can run for 40 minutes on a treadmill. I can't even do 10.

    My lower back and back of my thighs sweat really bad during warm weather which makes me really uncomfortable, especially since I wear long sleeves and pants at work.



    The point I'm making with all this shit is that everyone has problems similar to you but they don't affect the way they live life. One thing I truly despise in women is when they can't take a compliment. I know a girl who tries to start an argument any time I tell her she looks good or pretty or I like her hair or anything. She insists that I'm wrong. People don't give you compliments on a religious basis if they don't truly feel that way about you. If your girlfriend doesn't know you're insecure and still compliments your body all the time, why would you be insecure about it? She likes the way you look, and since she's the chick you're dating no other person's opinion should influence you.

    Get over it.
     
  19. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    Yes, he said he was supremely confident in those areas, but then he said "I have total confidence in everything except my physical appearance."

    "Everything" includes everything.

    And yeah, we all definitely have some things that we are supremely confident about. I realize that some of the best musicians and most talented athletes are very shy and insecure in other areas of their life.

    However, you can't be "totally" confident in who you are, which he suggests he is, and still be as insecure about your looks as he is.
     
  20. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    i can (usually) take a compliment. usually if she says i'm hot i'll say:

    - thanks baby
    - glad u think so (then i'll kiss her if she's close by)
    - duh! i have to be to date hot chicks!

    or if she's like "damn u have a hot ass" i'll be like "yeah, u love it" and then stick my ass out or smack it or something. or be like "u too" and smack her ass.

    only rarely i'll be like "whatever" and thats usually only if she says something like i have nice skin o_O.

    i'm pretty good at hiding my insecurities. i've had numerous people tell me i seem extremely confident and secure.

    this thread is about what goes on in my head.

    sorry for any typos and lack of capitalization. i'm posting from my blackjack.
     
  21. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    i guess one of my fears is being in some situation w her and lots of other hot chicks and seeing them treat me as low value. she may see how hot chicks are "supposed" to treat me and lower her own opinion of me. in PUA terms, kind of the opposite of having social proof.

    oh, and i'll post pics of myself but not my GFs. i wouldnt want people posting pics of me online without me knowing so i dont do it to other people. and my gf doesnt know about OT, and getting her permission to post pics would inform her of OT.
     
  22. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    I know what you're saying.

    I was just telling IWYWB in a PM how the other day I was talking to a cute waitress that I work with, and out of nowhere my old insecurities came back and I couldn't imagine a cute girl like this wanting a guy with an average face like mine.

    Every once in a while I will feel that way. It feels like I'm back in high school again in those situations. Usually I just snap out of it and keep going, but I was kind of drunk :hs:.
     
  23. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    That happens to me once in awhile too. I hate that. :hs:
     
  24. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    The body dysmorphic disorder explains a lot.

    I was not aware you had it.
     
  25. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    self-diagnosed?
     

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