SRS I gotta find me a new fishing bait. I dont know what I'm doing wrong.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Kojubee, Jan 20, 2009.

  1. Kojubee

    Kojubee OT Supporter

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    I'm depressed, what a surprise! Coming into an asylum thread you'd excpect depressing stories and help for an advice.

    Around the fall I met an awesome girl at class who'd I thought is amazing. I made a thread about it here and I got my head together and basically asked her out. We had sex and eventually went from there, you know? Hanging out with her friends and getting drunk. She's a fun person. After that some dude tried to threaten me because im hanging out with her a lot and I wasn't sure who he was since it was through AIM and her Screen name... I could tell the difference when someone's Screen name is being hi jacked...I told her this and she thought it was creepy too. However, next couple weeks she stopped talking to me and didn't answer my text and well... We did live far away from eachother. I had to drive an hour to her place. We met at a community College so it was a little different for me.

    After that I just gave up, and I basically lost hope in trying to look for other girls. I have no friends and I'm pretty much by myself with my dad. I quit my job afterwards and now I'm looking for a part time job. Then this girl I knew at high school text messaged me and told me she broke up with her Boyfriend. She always breaks up with this dude but I thought I had a shot because I really liked her and she was a really cool girl to hang out with. Her boyfriend is controlling and showers her with gifts and I felt something was wrong here. Her mom even loves him and text messsages eachother, which is :ugh:. But I didn't care, my goal was to be with this girl I've known back in high school and to see if she can give me a shot.

    Long story short, she feels more comfortable with him and sees me as a friend, after hanging out a bit..yeah a bit.. and I felt like this dude that she was with is a jackass. Tell her what to do and shit. Until I noticed they've been going out for a year, I finally realized that it is difficult for her to lose these moments and to fall back with this guy, and I felt I lost in the long run. Like as if everything I do to value eachother's time (The girl from my college and my old high school friend) everything I do is just a waste. I even told her not to go with this dude because of the things he's done. But obviously there is something wrong with her.

    So..the girl I know from my college got a boyfriend. And the girl who broke up with this dude, got back together. I feel like a ship reck fellas. It's hard to think there's some girl I could meet at school or some group of people. I just feel so lost now. My motivation for anything has declined and my appetite is gone. Im getting worried because I dont think I'll be able to find a girlfriend. I'm 20 years old and I know I should be dating and having fun. It's just the fact that what I did for these girls and I feel back stabbed....no thats not the right way to say it. I just feel confused.

    I never felt this shitty in my life, I felt like I got kicked in the balls and cried.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Not all stories in the Asylum are depressive, anyway i know what your problem is. Its your giving up attitude, you must here and now understand that giving up is the WORST thing you can do in life, why? Because there is no honour in giving up. You know what the big problem is, if you allow others to stop you in life you indeed come to a halt and get nothing done and become depressed as a result of that. Others may hate you, others may despise you and try to compete with you, but you should not allow others to stop you in your tracks, you HAVE to live wether others accept you or not, you HAVE to move on in life even if others don't want you to. You have to row the paddles of your own boat, despite how good other boats are it is of no good on your behalf to stop because of them. Live your own life man, and don't let other people steal that from you.

    Or in other words, you must always go for gold in your life, if other people put obstacles in your way, you must remove them and move forward.

    If you are in a rut and stuck with your life, you need to give it a swing in a new and positive direction by carving a new path with your own power.

    Do not expect leperchauns to appear and solve your issues, do not wait, be the dictator of your own life and take the situation in your own hands.

    There are only three directions in life, down where death lies, stay where you are and go in circles, or up where an improved life lies ahead, the first 2 are worthless and lead to nowhere, this is important because it means you can set the course of your life, to the only direction that is valuable ,namely upwards towards into progress. It doesn't matter from there on wether you win or lose in life, you simply keep on following the positive course, that way you can ALWAYS be confident no matter what happens, because you know that going for gold in your life is the only right way to live.

    If change was just a thought, then anyone could do it. But reality is that you can't just sit around feeling miserable for yourself and the situation you are in while being punched in the face by the reality of life. Those thoughts of change, can't become real if you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself, if you want to change then why would you stay in a state of paralyzation? If that happens it means you do not want to change, you are simply waiting for the world and people to change around you as you see fit, therefore

    Without walking, there's no way to move forward, you'll just end up waiting.

    NEVER GIVE UP! Don't allow others to stop you, if a guy threatens you over a girl , keep going out with that girl. Don't let anyone bully you to the point were they stop your life, keep going keep looking forward , Do not let your actions speak of irrational and absurd fear, what is needed in life is not fear, nothing can grow from that. Cast off your fear! Look forward! Go forward! Never stand still. Retreat and you will age. Hesitate and you will die
     
  3. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Here are a few tips from someone who has dated a few girls. If you're looking for a serious long term relationship, you have to select who you let into your inner world carefully. Dating a girl is "not" the time to open your heart and soul entirely.

    1: Never buy gifts until you've been in the relationship for 6 months or longer. Even then, keep them "small" -- like cards, or flowers.

    2: Never date a girl who just broke up with her boyfriend. If she broke up with her boyfriend within 6 months, or talks about him, move along.

    3: If a girl brings up her boyfriends name at all during the time you're getting to know her - dating, friends, etc (don't ask about him.....until much later in the relationship, like 1 year), it's a sign to detach and decrease contact immediately.

    4: You will in all likelyhood meet a nice girl, but you'll need to learn to apply these tips in your own time. Eventually you'll learn that your idealism, and romantic notions are not effective in the real world. They are something you "occasionally" share once in an established relationship with the girl. Letting someone know that you care should not cost you excessively, no matter whether it's money, going out of your way to be sweet to an extreme. Everything in moderation.

    5: When first dating a girl, your job is to size her up to see if she is worth "your" time, not the other way around. stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, let her adjust herself to "you". I'm not saying play games, I'm just telling you the facts. These girls may not have even been right for you, from the sound of it -- they "really really" weren't.

    6: Timing matters. A great girl may enter your life when it's not a great time, especially for her. If she's dating someone, if she's struggling with a break up, if she's having a lot of "problems" -- stay away, it's not your job to fix or comfort or counsel "any any any girl" you're getting to know from a romantic context.

    7: Your life must be a pleasure while outside an intimate romantic relationship. If it isn't, it's your job to find away to make your life interesting and a pleasure. Maybe you find pleasure in music, guitars, cars, reading, basketball, art, whatever -- if you don't clear the demons and dust from your own mind, you'll be an unsuitable mate, and you'll be in an unhappy relationship in the future.

    These apply primarily to the early stages. You must be willing to terminate a relationship quickly if "anything" comes up that subjects you to unhappiness. So, don't get too attached, but don't lock yourself in a room behind your walls either. Be polite, be a good listener, and share some parts of yourself that don't immediately convey vulnerability, pay attention to the signals she's sending and whether she's right for you, and the moment anything contradicts your goal of satisfaction, stop, drop and roll your ass out of that girls life.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2009
  4. kf4zht

    kf4zht New Member

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    Your just fishing in the wrong area for the wrong species.

    Screw trying to pick girls up. Just get out on a lake with a beer and really go fishing. No one complains about how bad of a time they had fishing. Everyone complains about dating. Just have fun with life.
     
  5. Deadhead9150

    Deadhead9150 Banned

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    This is why I'm going to be alone my whole life:hsd:
     
  6. Ideotique

    Ideotique Drinking on monday nights does not make me an alco

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    No. That defeatist attitude will though.

    What he posted isn't a series of life changing steps. It's just some ideas about how to approach things and situations.

    Listen, I'm going through a dodgy patch in my relationship at the moment. But the thing is everyone does. What's important is they you don't only concentrate on that. I've got my music, my work, my car and my friends to keep me occupied and take my mind of things when it gets to bad

    That's all you need.
     
  7. Deadhead9150

    Deadhead9150 Banned

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    That's a lot to need. The go get 'em attitude definitely disappears after countless rejections. 36 in a row baby!:bowdown::bowdown:
     
  8. Ideotique

    Ideotique Drinking on monday nights does not make me an alco

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    Why do you feel you need someone though?

    I know it's cliched advice, but I probably had that many knockbacks around 3 years ago. I felt I needed a girl to be happy. Then after about knockback 50 I went stuff this, I'll fo my own thing, be happy being alone and have my interests to keep me going. And you know what? After 4 months of doing that and being happy doing that I haven't had any issues at all. And that was the only thing I changed.
     
  9. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Failure is just another way of teaching you one more way how "not" to do something. Everyone makes mistakes and fails. It's how you eventually succeed. You can't have one without the other in most areas of life.

    I realize you're not feeling great about things. The future is a question mark for everyone, not just you. Take comfort in that fact. There is no evidence that you'll even wake up tomorrow, much less that you'll remain unhappy and alone.
     
  10. Deadhead9150

    Deadhead9150 Banned

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    Eh, I don't want to hijack the threadstarter's thread, and I've brought it up before, but I've been alone since I was ten. Let's just say not being loved by anyone as a child and then getting perpetually rejected during my formative years has pretty much ruined any chance at being happy doing my own thing.
     
  11. Deadhead9150

    Deadhead9150 Banned

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    :x: Here's hoping.
     
  12. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    You don't have control over everything, as is evidenced by what happened to you, but clearly that wasn't your fault as a child. We do have some choices, we aren't entirely at the whim of our prior experiences. Rejection may have solidified your negative view of yourself, but it's only that, a view.

    And this forum is for discussing all of our lives, whenever we want and whatever thread we want. There are no rules about expressing ourselves in that respect.

    You're not inherently unlovable or unlikable. It is only your opinion, and rarely do those even remotely resemble truth.
     
  13. Deadhead9150

    Deadhead9150 Banned

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    I believe in the observable. As for likability, all empirical evidence points to the contrary. Sure it may be my opinion, but I've never seen evidence to invalidate my opinion. It's like my view on God.(or lack there of) I don't believe in any of that, and I have never been presented with evidence to the contrary so even though that is just my opinion, it is a pretty sound one based on my observations. Even if it is a view though, your past shapes your future, and my past was a fucking trainwreck. You never realize how little control you have, until you have none of it at all.
     
  14. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    It sounds to me like it was pretty bad. I know what bad is, so I can appreciate the hopeless belief and loss of control that you've expressed.

    Certainly you've been damaged profoundly by early rejections and those that came later, and I don't want to take that away, as it seems you need to own that right now, but remember until you believe that there is a possibility of your life improving to a level that you find satisfying, you will be unable to create that or experience that. For you can not choose what you say is impossible. The impossible just takes a little longer for anyone who has lived long enough to see it.

    Planes, trains, TV's, computers, -- even me falling in love and being loved -- there are all sorts of things people believed in history that should never be. Things only imagined... are now reality. It works both ways.

    What we resist, persists, but what we look at will disappear. I highly suggest you consider speaking of yourself with a little more humility rather than rationalizing what you think you do not know. You know pain, and you've experienced loss. There are other experiences outside that limited view, as is obvious when looking at the lives of others who have also suffered greatly and moved through it and made decisions which improved their quality of life.

    I know enough to know I don't know much, but this much I know, your empirical observations aren't empirical at all, they are biased beliefs without any peer reviewed input except that which reinforces only your view. Anyone who attempts to subtract from your dogmatic conclusion is subverted with your circular reasoning and self pity, only confirming what you experience: that you're alone, no one understands, and this is how it will always be. That is not good science. It is much like claiming heresey, during a witch hunt. If you've already made your final judgment you will make certain that the results alway end the same. Should the person drown they were innocent, should the person swim they are guilty and thus condemned as a witch and hung or burned. There is nothing honorable in that reasoning.

    It is sad because people like us -- the supposedly smart ones -- are the ones who heal slowest, because we're too smart for our own good and we think our arguments are iron clad, when in reality others see us for what we are: passengers rearranging deckchairs on the titanic.

    It took me a long time to make peace with my past, and while my present is filled with suffering, it is certainly not because of my parents alcoholism, the sexual abuse or the abandonment. I chose to get help, I went to counseling, and I came to understand that there was the possibility that a world outside my own was in motion. Turns out that considering that possibility improved the probability of me living a better life. Some might not agree that my life is better, but then again, we all use our illusions, don't we...

    That is my opinion. I may very well be wrong, so think about it before you reject it.
     
  15. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    Yep, there is something wrong with her. I wouldn't feel bad that you were rejected romantically by this girl. The right girl for you would have appreciated your support and would have ditched doucheface once you had expressed your feelings toward her.

    I dated a complete dink for three years and didn't even realize how bad it was. After breakup 11ty billion, a long-time friend of mine (who I always had an awesome tiem hanging out with) expressed his feelings for me and took me on a date. The date was so mindblowingly amazing, that I completely erased all thought of Mr.doucheface and never looked back.

    If these girls can't appreciate your kindness and support, you need to move on and realize that it's their loss.
     
  16. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Dude you're 20 years old why are you so worried about finding a g/f? Build up a group of friends first and just go out and have fun, a girl will come along when the time is right and you'll know. Are you involved in anything at school to meet new people?
     
  17. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    Solid advice. Build up some friends at school / at work / wherever you spend your time. Get to know the women around you before you try to chase after one you think you want.
     
  18. Kojubee

    Kojubee OT Supporter

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    Wow! Thanks for these excellent advices :hsd::hsd::hsd: I was really lost in my emotions and I felt depressed then.

    I met a girl at class who is pretty awesome and thinking about dating her but she has a busy schedule with work... But the plus side is she lives closer and I've known since we were in Jr. high. And for the first time in 6 years we finally caught up. However she just broke up with her boyfriend few days after new years... I find this to be the danger zone thinking about the previous girl from high school and shit. :ugh: But I'm learning from my mistakes and controlled my emotions, so I'm just gonna ask her out on a date and carry on from there. She misses her boyfriend so I'm not gonna be too too close when it comes to physical intimacy.

    Again it's hard to find dates these days, especially when you know girls and they are just taken. I'm just gonna have fun and see how things turn up and find some cool people to chill with during the weekend. I have to get out man :ugh:


    Thanks for the responses, I was happy to see this :hs:
     
  19. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Busy schedules are a sign of stress ahead. It's a red flag. In this circumstance If it were me I would not look for a relationship with this girl beyond sex. (that's just me, not advocating that you personally should do the same)

    A big red flag, this will not end well in my opinion. It's asking for trouble by tempting your emotions. As noted in my lessons learned. She will talk about her boyfriend, you'll become the counselor and shoulder, she'll go back to the ex, and you'll resent it and suffer.

    It's like clockwork how this process works. To top it off you'll deny it'll happen to you and you'll rationalize that you'll "just see how it goes" -- but in reality you'll get attached, and then you'll get hurt when she doesn't have the same feelings for you.

    It's like watching a predictable movie plot.

    I'm not optimistic about the choice you're making. Thankfully it's your choice and not mine. If it ends the way I predict it will (I'm not psychic, so...I could be wrong I suppose), then at least you'll learn a lesson about rationalizing relationships with women that are doomed to fail before they even begin.
     
  20. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Yep I wouldn't get my hopes up with that girl sounds like a friendzone waiting to happen :mamoru: When she starts to mention her ex go "oh that sucks so anyway..." show no interest in her boring complaints or you'll just end up the guy she can vent to.
     
  21. pew pew pew

    pew pew pew OT Supporter

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    cant stress this enough... some girls i know we are just vents for each other and we just talk to each other when we want to complain or just need a hug or something. the ones i care/cared about or want a relationship with, i specifically try to snub any comments about ex's... can't say i always follow my advice but when i do it seems to work out much better and they get the hint every time.
     

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