My history - On and off depression triggered by various things since I was 11. That was 12 years ago. Sometimes it's been bad, other times it's almost like the normal blues, trying vehemently to keep myself from falling back to that place. Well, it's summer now. The sun is shining brightly everyday. I in theory have no reason to wake up feeling like this everday but... a picture of life is starting to be painted that isn't very flattering in my eyes. I dread work and walking into the place almost breaks me now. For me work is the most unprotected place I can be, as I'm forced in a way to be alone most of the time, isolated. It's second shift and being awake during the day has become a pain to me, no matter how late I stay up, I wake up around 11 or 12 tossing and turning and I can't return to sleep even though thats all I want to be. I have one idea what caused this shift in my mood. On monday my girlfriend left from visiting me. We have a long distance relationship, but are working on closing that gap. There is fear tied into that, becuase we're unsure if being closer can happen for a while. figuring out college situations etc etc. I would guess those fears are what led to the hardest goodbye with her I've ever had. But even that answer doesn't quite satisfy me. Hours after she left on monday and I was trying to hold back confusing tears and cursing myself for being weak, my dad called me to tell me my grandmother was getting worse with alzhiemers and I should visit her soon before "she forgets me completely". That was also a shock, becuase I had no idea it had gotten so bad so quick. I am trying to fight this fall, but I feel myself slipping quickly and I can't figure out why. I feel weaker than I should and it just makes me feel even worse. By the end of work I can pull myself together where I don't feel a burn in my eyes from tears trying to push through, but I've fought depression enough times before to know it could be a long road ahead and it can destroy other things in my life if I keep this up. Sorry for the long post, I just can't escape this lonely feeling and had to tell someone. My g/f and best friends know a little about this, but right now before work, and during work... it's just me really.