SRS I feel myself slipping away again...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by yawgmoth, May 23, 2007.

  1. yawgmoth

    yawgmoth nine > ten OT Supporter

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    My history - On and off depression triggered by various things since I was 11. That was 12 years ago. Sometimes it's been bad, other times it's almost like the normal blues, trying vehemently to keep myself from falling back to that place.

    Well, it's summer now. The sun is shining brightly everyday. I in theory have no reason to wake up feeling like this everday but... a picture of life is starting to be painted that isn't very flattering in my eyes. I dread work and walking into the place almost breaks me now. For me work is the most unprotected place I can be, as I'm forced in a way to be alone most of the time, isolated. It's second shift and being awake during the day has become a pain to me, no matter how late I stay up, I wake up around 11 or 12 tossing and turning and I can't return to sleep even though thats all I want to be.

    I have one idea what caused this shift in my mood. On monday my girlfriend left from visiting me. We have a long distance relationship, but are working on closing that gap. There is fear tied into that, becuase we're unsure if being closer can happen for a while. figuring out college situations etc etc. I would guess those fears are what led to the hardest goodbye with her I've ever had. But even that answer doesn't quite satisfy me. Hours after she left on monday and I was trying to hold back confusing tears and cursing myself for being weak, my dad called me to tell me my grandmother was getting worse with alzhiemers and I should visit her soon before "she forgets me completely". That was also a shock, becuase I had no idea it had gotten so bad so quick.

    I am trying to fight this fall, but I feel myself slipping quickly and I can't figure out why. I feel weaker than I should and it just makes me feel even worse. By the end of work I can pull myself together where I don't feel a burn in my eyes from tears trying to push through, but I've fought depression enough times before to know it could be a long road ahead and it can destroy other things in my life if I keep this up.

    Sorry for the long post, I just can't escape this lonely feeling and had to tell someone. My g/f and best friends know a little about this, but right now before work, and during work... it's just me really.
     
  2. Spike2k

    Spike2k New Member

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    you should really try to talk to your g/f about this, and even your best friends can help through a situation such as this one man.

    if that doesn't work for you, there are always doctors who can help through this type of shit. i know, i've been there.

    good luck to ya man
     
  3. yawgmoth

    yawgmoth nine > ten OT Supporter

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    I will and I've been thinking about seeing my psychologist. I just can't figure out why I constantly am faced with the prospect of being hit with depression. It casts a long shadow and everything in front of me looks so dark.
     
  4. tehrealist

    tehrealist New Member

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    Have you tried finding the answers in God?
    [as in Christianity of some sort]
    Because ever since I found the truth, I've been happier than I've ever been, even when I've got more than enough reason to be depressed about life.
    Just a suggestion.
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2007
  5. yawgmoth

    yawgmoth nine > ten OT Supporter

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    Yes actually. Kind of get swallowed up though at times and I struggle to remember such things.
     
  6. yawgmoth

    yawgmoth nine > ten OT Supporter

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    :( can anyone tell me why the morning time is so hard for me?
     
  7. davinaem

    davinaem In a little while, I'll be gone. The moments alrea

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    i have had issues with depression as well and to be honest, i feel like im in the same boat as you.

    stay strong and dont push those who love you away.
     
  8. ChelleBelle82

    ChelleBelle82 What the FRENCH? Toast

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    I don't know about the morning thing but I can relate to the work thing. I've been feeling worse as far as depressed when it comes to work for awhile. I finally figured out I was working "jobs" and needed to find a career doing something I enjoy. I'm still depressed in other areas of life but I am looking forward to my career now.
     
  9. tehrealist

    tehrealist New Member

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    Do you feel lonely at all?
    I'm no psychiatrist, but I find it really comforting, and calming, to just hang out and chill with some friends and talk about nothing seemingly for hours.
    Or there's the phone..or the internet.
    whichever means possible to directly talk to other people for fun.
     
  10. yawgmoth

    yawgmoth nine > ten OT Supporter

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    Before work I"m consumed by lonliness and a sense of hopelessness. There are a few people around, but not really. work is of course a cesspool of isolation for hte most part.
     
  11. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    still happens to me somtimes dont kno y if u ever need som 1 to talk to send me a message far as advice goes im still tryin to figure it out as is i cant even sleep right now
     
  12. yawgmoth

    yawgmoth nine > ten OT Supporter

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    I'm going to bump this because it really feels like after teetering on the edge of normalcy then depression for the last few months it's coming down hard. I don't know whats going to happen to me in the upcoming months because the tendrils of despair are wrapping around my entire being. My frowns have been incredibly frequent lately, as have negative thoughts, crying and just complete terror at my inability to cope with things (and things aren't really allll that bad... just work really...)
    I don't know what's happening to me,but I'm fighting real hard to not let this depression take me over. Yet when I'm down , like right now I tremble with fear because I can feel it and I know what it would do/ is doing to my life...
     
  13. verdiocchi

    verdiocchi Oh snap!

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    Are you talking to anyone besides on this board? Family? Friends? Professionals? How do you spend your days?

    :hug:
     
  14. yawgmoth

    yawgmoth nine > ten OT Supporter

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    That last little hug thing made me smile.
    I haven't for the longest time. I just buried it this last month because I didn't' want to push anyone away. I really thought I would handle it. But since it's started getting ugly for me ( I was kind of way different thistime around when my gf came to visit. I couldn't hide it.) I knew I had to do something.

    I talked to my brother a lot last night and I called my dad. I'm kind of scared to bring it up to my girl, because she is in the midst of a lot of her kind of stuff, but yeah... I'm trying to talk to people.

    Before work though and during work there is no one. I try to text as much as I can but that doesn't really alleviate the sensation of isolation.
     
  15. verdiocchi

    verdiocchi Oh snap!

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    You should talk to your gf. She cares about you and it's going to be harder on her to know that something is wrong/different with you and not know what's going on. I'm sure she would be glad to know that you wanted to share things with her and value her support. Even if she can't fix it, she can listen.

    Do you get out besides going to work? What are the kind of things you're interested in?

    Nothing left like that hug thing, how about this? :moon:

    (not that that has anything to do with this thread, I just don't know when you'd actually use that in conversation and have it makes sense...)
     
  16. yawgmoth

    yawgmoth nine > ten OT Supporter

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    haha... um well tonight I went to the local drag strip. tommorow I might be going to a local festival. I try to keep busy, and at night after work it's not that hard. just depends on my mood. whether or not I feel I can muster up the strength to go out.
    and I would talk to my g/f but she is going through some stuff, and I haven' been able to get a hold of her for two days. that doesn't help either because in the mood I'm in I see that as really problematic.
     
  17. verdiocchi

    verdiocchi Oh snap!

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    Work had me out of town all weekend so I couldn't respond until now. Did you have a good weekend? Have you had a chance to talk to anyone else yet? Who do you go out with when you feel up to it?

    From what you've said you're not happy with your job...have you thought about finding something new? Even if it's not for pay increase or anything, a better work environment could do wonders. Any thoughts?

    Random smilie for today's post:
    :drama: Can anyone explain that one to me?
     
  18. yawgmoth

    yawgmoth nine > ten OT Supporter

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    I really didn't do anything all weekend. I had a friend come over once, and my brother last night. I felt trapped in my own feelings and stayed at home scared and waiting for my girl to call, but she never did and I just fed off that until it drove me insane. that's a whole issue in itself, and it may be the main one (aside from work)
    and yeah... a new job but I'm scared becuase "better the devil you know" or "meet the new boss, same as teh old boss" That kind of stuff happens a lot. I have no faith that a new job will help. I kinda look but not really.
    I talked to my friends and they tell me I worry to much, and they are a comfort, but facing the new day requires fighting everythign all over again and right now I just want to cry and stay in a hole.
     
  19. verdiocchi

    verdiocchi Oh snap!

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    Sorry you had such a slow weekend and your gf didn't call. I'm sure part of that is her not knowing what's going on with you so she's not aware that you may have needed to talk. Did you try to call her? I'm sure she would have listened. Can I ask what the issue with your gf is? I'm not sure I understand what kind of relationship you have so I don't know if it's a help to you or a hindrance to your happiness...

    I think that "devil you know" stuff is holding you back. What exactly could be worse than what you're in now? If you research a job well enough it could be a really good move for you. I love my job just because of the people I work with. My boyfriend is currently looking for something new because he hates his job and sees me come home from work happy every day. I think it's at least worth serious consideration. What field are you in?

    I'm glad you've got friends around to talk and be some sort of comfort. A lot of people don't have that. It sounds like you have a lot of people in your life that care about you and are there to listen which is great!

    Today's smilie: :hyper:
     
  20. Hops

    Hops OT Supporter

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    I know how you feel, I have been depressed for years, finally saw someone and got put on medication, this was a few months ago, I started feeling better. I went from shitty to meh and it was great...now my girlfriend of 10 years has decided to leave me, so now i'm way below where I started somewhere around fucking terrible,I don't think I can get any lower than I am now.
     
  21. yawgmoth

    yawgmoth nine > ten OT Supporter

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    I have called my g/f, but she is dealing with something else entirely. I have no idea what but I have a feeling it's something bad. She's upset as hell by it from what little I do text her about and what not.

    I am kind of on the lookout for a new job. I work full time at a plastics factory, and go to college during the day (well I will, in a few weeks again)
    so I just need a job to pay the bills, which I kind of of feel trapped here, because this job pays my bills very very well.
     
  22. yawgmoth

    yawgmoth nine > ten OT Supporter

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    Keep at it man, realize that shit with your girl is situational and doesn't reflect who you are as a person. You will come up from that in time.
     
  23. verdiocchi

    verdiocchi Oh snap!

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    I can't imagine what you must be going through! But I'm guessing this will turn out to be a really good thing. It gives you the opportunity to start over anew and really redefine yourself and who you want to be. You don't need a girl to validate yourself or define you. Now you can really concentrate on the things you want to do. Losing someone is tough but it can be a good opportunity if you let it.
     
  24. verdiocchi

    verdiocchi Oh snap!

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    To me, money isn't worth staying at a crappy that is really effecting me mentally, but that's a choice you have to make that hinders on the circumstances.

    Do you like being in school? Are you taking any classes you like? Maybe you could get involved in something at your college that would get you out and help you meet some new people with similar interests. I needed to meet people so I joined and intramural sports team and it couldn't have been better for me. Are things usually better for you during the school year?

    Today's smilie: :gaysex:

    I'm so glad I finally get to use all these weird smilies!
     

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