I feel myself becoming needy

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by moses, Apr 17, 2007.

  1. moses

    moses OMGWTFBBQ

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    With this chick... how the fuck do i stop this?? I'm starting to see it and I don't like it at all.

    Just "keep busy"?
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Basically. You need to prove to yourself that you have a life that doesn't just revolve around her.
     
  3. ArthurPewty

    ArthurPewty New Member

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    Define "needy".

    Feeling like you always have to be around her, emotionally involved with every aspect of her life and less so with yours, wanting her to pay for everything? little clarification.

    Also, maybe a little background, like what else is going on with you now, anything big happen in the relationship, that sort of thing.
     
  4. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    just keep cool and never act on impulse
     
  5. moses

    moses OMGWTFBBQ

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    i've made posts about her before, getting divorced, been seeing her for 8 months. she goes hot/cold all the time. says we're friends yet we've been intimate off and on during the course of the whatever it is we've got.

    we went to the stars game on sunday, she's like "this is the most fun i've ever had"... after the game she's being real affectionate, stroking my hair inthe car, putting her hand on my lap, kissing my neck alot when i dropped her off, etc... then yesterday and today its like she doesn't have much to say to me. so like i said, real off and on.

    we typically talk daily too over IM. :dunno:
     
  6. moses

    moses OMGWTFBBQ

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    this is good advice, impulse has gotten me into trouble before.
     
  7. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Sounds like she's got some committment issues to deal with. She sounds scared to be in a relationship with you "in that way..." What was the reason for her divorce? Who initiated it?
     
  8. moses

    moses OMGWTFBBQ

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    apparently she did, then last week she's thinking about working things out with him, but unsure if it would work, then tells me she still is in love with him.

    i should just back the hell away, but its real, real hard to with how much time and feelings i've put into this.
     
  9. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Sounds like you really like this woman...great.

    How to not be needy?? Well you have to realize you can't force her into a relationship. Many people, when they see someone slipping away, they try to latch on and keep the person there....and this may work in the short run but most people will end up resenting you and/or stop hanging out with you.

    Have you let this woman know how you feel about her?? Have you asked her out on a date or is it just a friendship thing that you want to take further??
     
  10. moses

    moses OMGWTFBBQ

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    its been established that we care for one another, but she's "not ready" for anything serious, so we're "friends". however we've done things that most friends don't do that make me think its something more. However thats slowly dying off and its really getting to me because yeah i like her.

    i'm trying not to latch on and trying to do what i need to keep busy but i find myself thinking about her a lot. I do try not to talk to her too much.

    wow, did that make any sense?
     
  11. Placebo

    Placebo New Member

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    I understand that you really like this girl, but personally, when a girl starts acting real hot/cold I call them out, back off completely and politely tell them to get a hold of me when things clear up.
     
  12. fray

    fray New Member

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    .

    especially this chick. it sounds like you're just setting yourself up for disaster with as much as she has going on right now.
     
  13. moses

    moses OMGWTFBBQ

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    i know, but its difficult to bring up when things are going well, and when things are cold its like you don't wanna fuck up.. know what i mean?
     
  14. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    What's to bring up? Enjoy the good times, stay away when it's bad. Don't get into the serious conversations unless it's something that absolutely has to be said.

    So she's hot and cold and is thinking about her ex? You picked the wrong woman to begin with.

    You could back off or give her an ultimatum, but why bother? Just hang out with her when she's in a good mood.

    Personally, I would try to keep track of her moods in relation to what you were doing. If you IM her a lot and then she's in a bad mood, then less IM. If she was all over you and you didn't make a move, maybe she was horny and wanted to get laid and you missed the signals which pissed her off.

    Talking about her ex puts you in a weird place. That's friendzone, really, so it confuses her IMO. Avoid talking about other men, her ex, all that. Just keep it light, fun, and enjoy each other.

    Personally, it sounds like she is not the type of woman to want to get involved with long term *at this time* due to her struggles.
     
  15. ArthurPewty

    ArthurPewty New Member

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    Thanks for the clarification. I wander and don't keep up with everyone's situations. I don't know if you're needy or just want some balance or stability in your life. I get the feeling you don't know what to expect with this person.

    Also, how much time do the two of you IM each other? Does that ever take the place of actual time together? I wonder if cutting down on the IM might make the time you spend together better. Or let you both realize there maybe isn't as much there to the relationship.

    This made me think of the concept of "intermittent reinforcement." In behavioral psychology the reinforcement schedule that produces the greatest stability of a behavior is if it's reinforced only part of the time, not all the time. You throw a dog a bone every once in a while, he's more likely to meet you at the door than the one you give a bone to every day. With you and this woman it sounds like the two of you have enough good times to keep you coming back even though you're fairly miserable overall. Right or wrong?


    Well of course she's all over you! What woman wouldn't fall in love with you for taking her to a playoff hockey game, even if it is between the Steers and the Canuckleheads? ;) Actually, this might be the perfect time to spend more time apart. I told my ladyfriend a week and a half ago that she wouldn't be seeing much of me for next month or so (hopefully the Wings stay in it for longer than 1 round this year).
     
  16. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    :werd:

    well said...as usual
     
  17. moses

    moses OMGWTFBBQ

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    she chased me a lot at first and when i finally gave in and started to see her thats when it all started to get weird

    That hasn't happened, when i sense she's in the mood and giving me signals, i make the move

    I try not to talk about any guys at all, nor do i mention any girls i talk to.

    I know it sucks because i've really fallen for her, bad fucking timing eh?
     
  18. moses

    moses OMGWTFBBQ

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    all day every day, thats how we started to like each other back in aug/sept. It starting to slow up though, i can tell. Ever since she dropped the bomb on me that she's talking to her ex again.


    i wouldn't say miserable overall, we have a LOT of fun together when we're out and its just the two of us. She laughs all the time and seems very happy when things are good. There were many times where she's stated i made her the happiest she's been. so real hard to gage whats really going on inside her head.

    There have been a few times where she's really, really upset with me and has come back a few days later saying she couldn't be mad at me anymore.

    soooo take some time away from her?
     
  19. ArthurPewty

    ArthurPewty New Member

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    I think I may have jumped in over my head with the friendly advice and wasn't aware of all the issues.

    I was being semi-facetious. Sorry, I'm in playoff mode.:)
     
  20. moses

    moses OMGWTFBBQ

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    in all seriousness, i need to just chill out and enjoy what good times come up, and try not to think about anything bad.

    thats what i'm getting outta this so far
     
  21. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    My bro used to urge me to be comfortable in the presence of ambiguity. Many people try to clarify ambiguities when they would be better served by NOT trying to clarify them. It takes practice but you can learn to do this. I'm much better than I used to be.
     
  22. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    :eek3:

    I think there may be a great deal of genius in this post. I might be taking it completely out of context, however.

    It was like something subtle with a hugely profound meaning burried within.

    I will have to read it again later and see if I still think this.
     
  23. moses

    moses OMGWTFBBQ

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    no, i think you're onto something.
     
  24. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    That's why I posted it because it had a very profound effect in my life.
     
  25. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    This is true.

    A simple example I like to remember is talking with someone who stutters. Don't you start to stutter a little, too, when you're talking to them? I do. You have to take a deep breath and just let it all go. I find that people who do stutter (my landscaper) will stutter until I start talking and then he just talks normally. It's kind of weird.

    With women, if they are all crazy (basically) then just relax. Don't try to "solve the problem" like most guys. Just lean back and say something like "Damn, that's some crazy shit. Hey, wanna go out? Let's go grab a drink or something." Just ... slide away.

    Personally I see you falling for her due to a lack of self-confidence. You're settling for her, and as such you are less attractive to her. She wanted you because you were too good for her in a way. Now that you have "come down" to her level, you've compromised yourself and it is less attractive to her.

    Be yourself. You know? :big grin:
     

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