SRS i feel like killing myself on occasion

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by nammerplayboi, Aug 15, 2006.

  1. nammerplayboi

    nammerplayboi New Member

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    Background about me:

    I've been depressed my whole life. I never told nobody or seeked help from anyone. I grew up a minority race in a town and naturally had no friends. I moved around a lot also.

    My parents separated when i was 11, and I became a troubled kid. I got into a lot of trouble, got arrested a lot, and served time in Juvy for sending a fellow class mate to the hospital.

    Throughout my high school years, I got beat up A LOT. I once got beat up 2 times in 10 minutes by 4 different people. One time I got sent to the hospital after I received multiple wounds to the head from a baseball bat.

    In the final year of high school, I wrote this journal article in writing class that freaked out my teacher to the point where she consulted my counsellor, who arranged me to see a therapist weekly. Well I saw the therapist well until i was 18, at which point she claimed I was showing improvements, and if I wanna come back I have to see a doctor and give him her referral number. I knew she wanted to get rid of me though, because I was an adult at 18 and the school was no longer funding the therapy.

    Also in my final year of high school, I got my first and last gf. We lasted 6 months until I got into a serious car accident with her. She dumped me shortly after. I was heartbroken, and I don't think I've ever recovered.

    I have no friends at the moment. I had maybe 3 close friends from high school, who have all moved or gone off to college now.

    Recently I was set up by an accquaintance, and I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm awaiting trial, and well it does not look too good. I was told I'll be looking at 10-15 years if I lose.

    My mom is getting really old, and can no longer walk and can't work anymore. I was sitting driving today after seeing my probation/bail officer, and I drove by a cemetery and I was just thinking about the life I've lead so far. I don't know why, but at that moment, tears started rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably.

    This happens once in a while. I'm not asking for help or for anyone's pity.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2006
  2. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    At least you've made it this far, disregarding what it's been like. The only thing I can advise is first get the trial out of the way then work to create a more enjoyable life. It's not as easy as it sounds obviously, but it will start with overcoming what's happened in the past. Good luck
     
  3. Zenmang

    Zenmang New Member

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    you are what you make yourself. it's neither advice or pity
     
  4. nammerplayboi

    nammerplayboi New Member

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    I try to think positive and all those other cliche things people always say. To the point where I'm always laughing and smiling and everyone thinks I'm the happiest guy they know. But what they don't know it that it's all forced. On the surface I'm a cheerful person without any issues, but I'm really broken deep down inside.

    If you ask my co-workers, they'll most likely say "Oh yeah, that guy always comes to work and leaves with a giant smile. He's always cracking jokes; everyone loves him. I wish I could be that guy; he seems so happy. I'll bet his life is perfect!"

    I put on an act, because who I am is very miserable.
     
  5. Mark158

    Mark158 Guest

    I'm not sure what your problem is. Since everyone who knows you thinks of you in a positive sense, life should be great. I have always learned that if you play the act of someone else, you become exactly that.

    Convince yourself you are not broken.
     
  6. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    That reminds me of myself. At work I do my best to come off as the guy who everyone wants to be around but it's really a show. I don't think it's a negative thing though, the intentions are good- trying to draw some more friends. :hsd:
     
  7. timberwolf

    timberwolf New Member

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    With most people that would definitely be a good positive step to a solution.
     
  8. Nizzel

    Nizzel Guest

    well that sucks
     
  9. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    IMO one of the first things to do is just be honest. You put on an act prolly because you think if they really knew you they wouldn't like you. That's rediculous.

    I'm not saying you have to trott out all your baggage and depressing thoughts and gloom and doom and show them to everyone. No, what I am saying is that living a lie brings your spirit down and causes one to feel badly. You are not being genuine with yourself or anyone else.

    The old saying, To Thine Own Self Be True, is very applicable here.

    If you are depressed, seek help. There's plenty of help from counseling to drugs. It's really silly to suffer in silence when life is so much more interesting.
     
  10. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I just thought of an episode of Medium I recently saw. They said (I dunno if it's true or not) that someone had gone around and interviewed all the people that had jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and survived. These people, every single one of them, said that about 2/3 of the way down that they suddenly realized that all of their seemingly insurmountable problems were actually solvable....except for the problem that they had just thrown themselves off a bridge and my die from it.

    The ones that lived were now leading productive and happy lives. So the point is NOT to throw yourself off a bridge but begin to address the issues in your life. Confront those issues, work on them, don't hide them away hoping they will disappear.

    And certainly DON'T kill yourself over issues in your life. We all have issues that need to be addressed....EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US!

    Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.
     
  11. crazy k

    crazy k Guest

    I do believe you have just gotten some really stupid advise, I have thought of killing myself before but i dont have the guts to i thank God for that. What too has stopped me from thinking that is that ihave thought of the life i have gotton for that i am grateful to show my appreciation is to live my life no matter the struggles and trials that may come my way i do suggest u do the same. Be gartefuk to your creator first step he will guide your way. Also think of your Mother you said she is getting old thus she needs you. That alone should take that thought from your mind chances are she needs you a whole lot make her life as best as you can right now live for her is that not purpose and cause for you to carry on? People out their have it worse than you thats what i always say. Try it look around and you may see that someone worse off and check out how that person is living deep check and then you will realize be grateful for life trust me. yes things are hard they look bad but their is away hold the faith.
     
  12. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    A) were you referring to my advice?? If so, explain the stupidity of it. I'm confused.
    B) Learn to use paragraphs...your post is hard on the eyes.
     
  13. nammerplayboi

    nammerplayboi New Member

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    I tried acting how I really feel. And how I really feel is miserable. I tried being myself around my friends, but they try to avoid me when I'm in that phase.

    Nobody understands the real me. I've been faking it for so long to the point that this fake me has become part of me. I'm not sure if I'm even human anymore sometimes. I'm just a numb pile of a flesh. Sometimes nothing scares me, makes me sad, or makes me happy. I just sit there eyes wide open in a blank state, not really sure what emotions and feelings are anymore.

    I feel like the whole world is a front. Fake people working at customer service and bank tellers with their fake ass smiles and their fake "thank you, and have a wonderful day! :drool:"

    What's the point of being real in a fake world?
     
  14. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I used to feel this way but I grew out of it. It had a lot to do with me drinking so much. I'm not sure if you drink a lot but if so, that might be the cause of some of this...or a lot of it.

    You sound depressed. There are many anti-depressants available and some of them are very effective. Perhaps you should talk to your doctor about it.

    Also, when I get down like you seem to be now....I exercise. I'm not talking mild exercise, I'm talking about a shirt soaking sweat-fest. Like riding my bicycle for an hour or 2 or jogging or rollerblading or w/e gets you sweating like crazy. This can do wonders to change my mood....I leave the house all gray and down but return to find a whole new world of color and life.

    Also, diet can affect your mood in dramatic ways. Eat healthy when depressed....but it's much slower turn around then exercise.

    If none of this helps, seek help....professional help....like a psycharist or psychologist. There IS help out there and sometimes it takes awhile till you find the right solution for you.....but once you find that solution, you can live more honestly. If you kill yourself, you won't ever be able to understand how great it is to learn about yourself and why you do what you do.....IMO that's knowledge that's worth having.
     
  15. crazy k

    crazy k Guest

    coot whatever that is i really did not even read your post sorry wasnt that important to me even an idiot could read what i said without paragraphs was in a rush.Dumb as you are i seriously should have did the correct grammatical things-paragrphs,commas etc.
     
  16. Hey, nammerplayboi;

    In terms of how you are doing inside; consider how tangled a vine can become, yet never strangle itself. Destructive intentions have more to do with being misinformed by others, or abused. In other words, from external factors that have twisted around who you really are inside.

    Here, some of these links will be a great boon to untangling yourself from your present social-emotional situation:

    http://forums.offtopic.com/showpost.php?p=60977048&postcount=69

    bests,
     
  17. jerseygirl0131

    jerseygirl0131 New Member

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    Just curious how you are doing since you posted this... I'm new to OT. If you need someone to listen, I can do that.
     
  18. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Nothing in this universe can make you happy exept loving and helping other people, life acts like a mirror what you put into it will reflect back on you.

    You have had a troubled childhood, and this anger of you being neglected was casted onto other people , bad karma reflected back on you making you feel miserable today.

    We call it the wheel of hatred, if someone gives a spin to it by hurting you, and you give another spin to it by hurting someone else ,the hatred will never stop. So you have to say to yourself 'STOP, to here and no further'.

    You need a very strong lawyer for your case, and you need to give yourself another chance, by starting to love,support and believe in yourself, as well as love and help others in your enviroment. Comitting suicide is useless, you'll only get reincarnated and have to re-live your life again thru all that pain again, up till the point that you comitted suicide, and move on from there.
     

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